I leave Sunday :(

[Sharon Q]

I leave Sunday to go back home. I've been spending the past week and a half with my boyfriend in PA.
For the most part its not been too bad, not grate tho. We've been fighting a lot due to stress we've both been dealing with. I can be very argumentative most of the time. Not to mention most of my stress now is from fear.
Fear of losing him, and fear of staying with him forever, Conflicting I know.

Fear of staying with him forever, perhaps that is because I still can not wrap my mind about the fact that this is real. The fact that he keeps trying to work on things with me instead of leaving me. Why would he want to stay?
What am I doing right?

I have talked to him about this, ( not so much the fear of staying with him forever ) but the questions I have and he always responds with " I like you, I care about you, your more mature than others. "

He also told me " I don't stay with someone because they can do something right or not, I'm with them because I like them. "


Idk... Its just hard to wrap my mind around. That after being off and on for so long this time its real. He isnt leaving, not without doing everything he can to make it work. He wants to stay with me, have a home and family and marry me someday... Its just so hard to wrap my mind around. The fact that its all real.

I think thats why I've been pushing and fighting with him. Maybe subconsciously I'm trying to test how real this is, Because sometimes it still feels like a dream.


Sorry I'm ranting. I just this is the first time I've thought about why I'm fighting with him, why I'm scared.
I do want to stay with him, for the rest of my life if possible, its just, this feels like a dream to me.

Anyone else ever go through this?

Help or any advice would be lovely.
thanks for your time

[Neme]

I know exactly what you are going through as I am going through the same thing. Why does my SO want to be with me? What is it about me? Why does he love me? I'm just me...nothing special. For me it comes from prior relationships, experience and being insecure. I was with someone long term where it wasn't working out. I offered counseling on numerous occasions to be refused. He just let me walk away without a fight. My next relationship after that was an LDR where after 3 months he decided distance wasn't for him. I took both of those as there was something wrong with me because they wouldn't fight to keep me.

Now comes my SO who I tried to push away in the beginning and he stuck around. I used to ask him all the time...what is it about ME? Just like you ask and I got the same response as your SO gives you. Over time what has helped me when I feel that way is taking a step back and saying to myself....they could be with anyone else..anyone. But yet, they aren't. They are with us, having late night conversations, having to compromise time zone differences to chat, not having someone to wake up to every day, holding hands every day, etc. They do this because they care about us and love us. Why would they put themselves through this if they didn't want to be with us?

I did the testing thing too and in the end I always ended up more stressed because arguments would happen and I would be the cause of it. So, I was causing my own problem. So, I used go back to read Skype or text messages that he has sent to help me get through those periods because I had them often. I tell him when I'm having a rough day or feeling a little insecure which helps him know I might need a little more attention or his time. Now, I feel more secure and don't have doubts as much as I used to.

Maybe cuddle up with him and let him know of this continued fear and you appreciate everything he has done to show you he is in this for the long run. One thing I can tell you is to really enjoy your time with him these next few days. Once you are home, you don't want to have to look back at your trip and think...geez why did I stress out so much? I could have enjoyed my time more. I have yet to meet my SO so, this might be easier said than done.

[squirrelz15]

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. It's so easy to try to push someone away because you're so determined there is something wrong with you and you don't want them getting hurt, or you getting hurt because they decide to leave. It's not easy, but sometimes you just have to trust that they really do care and are there for you. In my case, trust was a choice. When I went crazy on him and was going off about a bunch of stuff on why he would leave he just reaffirmed that he wants to be with me, and I asked him what he wanted from me then, and he said just to trust him. So, he might shatter what is left of my fragile ability to trust, but I just have to trust he won't. Its so much easier to push away sometimes than to actually let someone in.

[Sharon Q]

We just had a LONG argument about the stress and him going to Job corps soon ( he will be stationed here in PA ) and him maybe wanting to see someone else and take a break to see if that would help. He still wants to be with me in the end tho...

However I became a sobbing mess and was very hurt, we talked more and he decided not to have a break and remain with me and try things, if they things don't get better with us soon and we are still unhappy than we will part ways.

I'm really hoping we can work things out.

I think a lot of this was from stress we were both dealing with.

[Haley53]

We just had a LONG argument about the stress and him going to Job corps soon ( he will be stationed here in PA ) and him maybe wanting to see someone else and take a break to see if that would help. He still wants to be with me in the end tho...

I don't understand how seeing someone else in vain is going to come close to fixing the problem.

That being said, how do you both alleviate the stress that you're feeling when you're on your own/away from each other? While it's true that under stress you're both going to be more easily agitated, you also need to be careful so that you don't both become the other's outlet. Arguments, in my opinion, should not be excused away with "Oh, we've been stressed is all" even if I feel it's something we all do at some point or another. Personally I'd look into finding healthy outlets for the both of you, whether it's writing, music, exercise, etc. so that you don't continuously take it out on each other. It puts a lot of stress and strain on a relationship and in my opinion, it's completely unnecessary if you can both learn to recognise your limits and find other outlets for your stress.

[Sharon Q]

My parents just got me an ipod so I now have an outlet, I can listen to my music, and he is starting school which I think will help.

[Sharon Q]

I don't understand how seeing someone else in vain is going to come close to fixing the problem.

And I know I was very hurt by this and couldnt stop crying. He saw how upset I was and then decided not to take a break