Pleeease, I need some advice! I did something wrong !!!

[stupid Tomato]

Hi, I am new in this forum and I need some advises really urgently!!!

Background:I recently started a long distance relationship. I broke up with a very long relationship (8 years) half a year ago. My ex-girlfriend was and still is very hurt that I called off our relationship and it hurt her very much that I have found somebody new already. She still cries very often and is very sensible in general. My new girlfriend in contrast is a very strong person and really self confident. The distance between my new gf and me is pretty far and we normally communicate via phone.

Here my problem:Since I am not on facebook yet, I thought about joining facebook to support my new long distance relationship. I don't know why but I normally hate facebook and most of my friends know that - also my ex-gf! My new gf and my ex-gf both are on FB. During a phone chat with my new gf I wanted to start a discussion weather I should join into facebook so that we can join friends, photos etc. more easily. She told me that it would not be necessary and she made a joke that I might want to supervise her on facebook. Now I made a really silly mistake: The thought occured in my mind that it might not be the right moment to join into FB since my ex-gf still is very depressed and it would hurt her unnecessarily to see me and my new gf on FB, having holiday together and sharing lots of new friends and pics. This thought came up in my mind for the first time since I have not thought about joining FB so much before. Now I made the mistake that I spoke out this thought directly on the phone and in a really rude and bad English. I said: "I don't want my ex-gf to see you and me on facebook having fun together, because I don't want to hurt her unnecessarily." In retrospect I know that it sounded horrible. My gf reacted by hanging up the phone directly. Afterwards we had some serious arguments about what I said and how I meant it. I tried to explain to her that my ex-gf does not have higher priority than our relationship and that I do not want to hide anything since my ex-gf already knows about my new relationship. My gf exactly knows that I only love her and that I have hardly any contact to my ex-gf. However I still care about her feelings though and I exactly know about her psychical constitution.
I found out really painfully how hard it is to solve a problem or misunderstanding like the one above in a long distance relationship. You can only try to discuss problems on phone and if there is a slight language barrier, things can become even worse...

How you can help me:I please everybody, who reads this article, for advice. First I need to find out if my opinion was really totally wrong? I guess it was, so in the second place I need some advise how I could apologize for having done this to my girl friend. For me it is really hard to talk to her about serious topics on phone since I sometimes miss the right word in English.

Thanks everybody for helping me!!!

[ChibiFelicia]

Firstly, Heya and welcome to the forums.

Its understandable that you still care for your ex girlfriends feelings but i have to say, which you already know - it wasn't the best idea to say that to your current gf. The thing about facebook...you don't have to make it public. If you're worried about your ex seeing your page etc just don't add her.

As for apologizing to your girlfriend, it might be best to write down what you want to say and ask her to have a little patience when you repeat it to her. Im sure she knows that you are not so confident with your English.

[Haley53]

I imagine the way you came off was that you wanted to a) hide your girlfriend from your ex-girlfriend and/or b) you prioritised your ex-girlfriend's feelings over having a Facebook to share your girlfriend and your life with your girlfriend. I can see where she'd be hurt by that. Although Facebook is Facebook, I think there's a certain amount of pride one feels when their partner is not only willing but eager to show them off. As someone who dated someone (also long-distance) who was ashamed to share her mere existence with even his closest friends, the fact my boyfriend is happy to change his Facebook status and proud to talk about me and tout me as his girlfriend means the world. It's not even about bloody Facebook. Even when we weren't official on Facebook, his mentioning me to friends/family made me beam. It was because I wasn't a secret but rather someone he valued and took pride in, and someone he wanted the world to know was his. I would be torn apart if he decided not to do that because "word might get back to his ex."

I understand that you care about your ex-girlfriend. I think it's normal to, while you may not have feelings left for the person, still have feelings of caring for that person or at the very least want them to fare well in their lives, but I don't think you should have to put your life on hold. Yes, she's upset about you being with someone else. So what? That is her burden to carry, her decision to decide if she can handle it or not, her decision to decide whether or not she needs time, distance, and space from you (which most people do) in order to heal without checking in on you for the details of your life. It is not your responsibility to protect her, and though you might still care, it is not fair on you or your girlfriend to let your ex continue to dictate your actions. If you want a Facebook and if you think it would add a level to your relationship, then make one. You can always choose not to add your ex-girlfriend or if you think she'd stalk your profile, you could go so far as to block her so she can't reach/find you on Facebook at all. But when it comes down to it, though Facebook is Facebook, I think any man not doing something for his current girl because his ex would get hurt would, well, hurt most girlfriends. If you're ready to move on from your old relationship, then great, but then you need to sever the ties of being responsible for her feelings. If she can't handle you being with someone new, then maybe she shouldn't be talking to you.

As for how you should handle it, I would consider doing what ChibiFelicia said. Write it down. Tell her you know it's not in perfect English, so if she needs you to repeat something or if she doesn't get something, that's okay and she can ask you what you meant, but you need her to be patient with you while doing so. I would apologise to her, explain what you meant, and quite frankly, I would consider making the Facebook. Why? Put simply because you'd likely have made a Facebook if not for your ex, and if you're ready for this new relationship with your new girlfriend, you need to not let your ex be a hang-up.

[snow_girl]

I agree with Eclaire. Also (sorry I sped read) just because you make a facebook account doesn't mean you have to add your ex as a friend. There are privacy settings that would mean she couldn't even search you if you wanted.

[stupid Tomato]

Tanks a lot!

OK - thanks, everyone! I have to thank Eclaire especially. I think you helped me a lot to understand my mistake and my misthought. I just had a wrong perception and was a little bit overcaring about the feelings of my ex-gf. Actually it is her own business to deal with the new situation! I think one problem in this whole crap was that I actually hate the idea of making everything public in the internet. So maybe I also searched for another reason not to start FB. To be honest - this here is my first internet forum chat I ever took part in... I know that is weird. Although, I am a very social person - but not in terms of the internet .

Eclaire, you said: "...Even when we weren't official on Facebook, his mentioning me to friends/family made me beam. It was because I wasn't a secret but rather someone he valued and took pride in, and someone he wanted the world to know was his..."

Actually, I cannot tell you how much I love my girlfriend and I would love to scream it all over the world that she means everything to me! That's why I liked the idea of FB for the first time a little bit. Of course I already told my family, friends and relatives about her. I already spoke to her mom on the phone and she to mine. I don't talk about anything else in the past and I already annoy everybody with stories about her That's why the whole thing hurts me so much. I hurt not only her but also myself. My own stupidity made me feel like a fool now and I have to ask for help in the internet for the first time in my life. It is sooo hard for me to deal with this long distance. I really need to learn it.
I do regret everything I said and thought and I am already thinking about joining FB in the NY just to show my gf that it was 1000000000% none sense what I said. Although she already told me she does not care if I am in FB or not. However, I think I understood my mistake and learned from it. My only concern is that our young relationship might have been damaged by my stupidity.
What do the girls here think? Would you accept my apologize and do you think my stupid comment might have damaged my new relationship too much?

Thanks all!

[Sano]

I actually dont think Facebook in general is healthy for a long distance relationship. Im really grateful that my SO and i dont have facebook accounts. I think it just makes jealousy a little harder to cope with especially when people get caught up on pictures their SO posts and take comments the wrong way. And what I've learned in my LDR is Im way more jealous than I thought I was.

Im not telling you what I think you should do, but earlier in my relationship my SO was telling me he still had some concern about his ex. She broke up with him but then kept calling him and crying and I can tell you I was pissed that he kept answering her. Im just the kind of person that when we break up I dont really want to have any contact at all with you just because it makes it easier for me to move on so I can understand why your girlfriend is upset about the situation. Maybe you need to reconsider Facebook in general and be sure to reinforce to your gf that your ex doesn't matter

[Haley53]

It will depend on her really. She can either choose to let it go or she can choose to hold on to it. It may turn into a situation where she's completely fine after your apology and it may be a situation where she starts needing reassurance. Honestly, if you've apologised to her and clarified things with her and all has been talked out and made well, then I think you should take this issue off the table. An issue is an issue for as long as you feed it and if you continually dwell on it, you're only going to prolong the length of time the problem actually exists. The more you dwell on it, the more that's going to come through, and the guiltier you feel about it, the likelier it is to be misconstrued that you actually did something unforgivable. If it hasn't yet been talked out with her, if she's still cooling down, I would give her some space and then approach her about it. If it has, then I would let it go as something that's been talked out and sorted. If it comes up again in the future, let her be the one to bring it up. If you dwell on it, you will only end up creating problems for yourself/your relationship.