Breaks???

[archangel]

Breaks do not work, do not help and only make things A LOT worse. It was part of factors why my LDR fell apart. To take a break is the fastest way to end broken up.

I also see it as a way of running away and hiding from the problems the relationship faces at hand. It doesn't solve them and only makes them worse. Really you would be better off facing the problems/issues head on and talking to find solutions than taking a 'break'.

just my 2 cents from experience.

[Ianthe]

It seems to me that most of the reasons behind needing a break (especially in a LDR where we're all already sorta on a break...lol) are just cloaking a different issue that can be resolved by time and honest communication.

If one partner feels smothered by the other's needs/"neediness" and defaults to wanting a time out, both people should be able to work out a compromise to give both what they need, or at least a temporary addition of some "quiet time" for Partner 1 to destress if they're having a tough time with life at that moment.

If a crisis/tragedy occurs (like with Eclaire's SO, as she mentioned above) and a partner simply cannot provide the other with any kind of emotional support or regular communication, the other partner should be able to back off and give the grieving partner space without requiring a "break".

If constant fighting is the issue, you can "break" 'til the cows come home and it's doing nothing but postponing the inevitable breakup. I'm not saying that fighting = relationship ending, but it does if you're "breaking" the problems away. Believe me, I know this from more experience than I care to admit.

If you/your partner just wants to live the single life? Then you need to have some deep conversations about the direction of your relationship...because if an open relationship isn't an option (and most of the time it isn't), then you/your partner needs to do some soul-searching about whether a monogamous relationship is right for you or them at this time.

(Also, "the grass will be greener on the other side" many many times in all of our lives...part of growing is realizing that the other grass may look pretty, but probably has more ants. )

[Mara]

I want to work it out, I don't want the break at all. He says he doesn't want one either, but with no concrete plans for the future and me moving even farther away once I graduate it feels so tense and anxiety-ridden. He's not calling as much, same goes for messages and ichatting...if he wanted to stay where he is, I'd consider moving there but he doesn't want to stay there and has no idea where he wants to go or what he wants to do (just that he doesn't want to move to Florida, where I'm from).

You'll find a lot of people here don't have concrete plans to close the distance, neither do my SO and I. It's too much up in the air for us to decide when, where, and how we will close the distance right now. We both know we will eventually, but there are some obstacles in our path right now. It doesn't have to be a bad thing that the two of you don't have concrete plans to close the distance. If the two of you want to be together, commit to doing so whatever happens. If he doesn't know what he wants to do right this moment, I'm sure in time [maybe a few months] he will know. I think you both just need to be patient and see what the future holds then reevaluate things and closing the distance.

[Malaga]

The only way I'd find a break acceptable was if it only meant we didn't talk as often anymore, for a limited, rather short period of time. Say, if we make a deal that for the next week or two we won't spend time with each other, we'll give each other space. I'm not sure if you could even call that a break, more a temporary step back I suppose. Circumstances were rather specific in Eclaire's case and I guess that was the only kind of situation I'd be OK with it.

I wouldn't accept it if it meant losing the titles, free pass (god forbid!) or anything which resembled a breakup. I'm firmly against that, either we're together or we aren't. Reversing back to uncertainty after years of being together, I just couldn't accept that.

[SDPersona]

Breaks are never, never, never, I mean EVER a good idea for any relationship! Don't matter if it's CD or LD. I took three breaks in my first ever relationship and those made it a LOOOOOOOOT worse, makes it go downhill faster because the issues stayed and didn't go away. If you're having problems, just take some time to cool off, maybe a day or two and THEN work out your issues, even if it may lead to arguments and be very difficult.

[HollzHeartsChris]

I think breaks CAN work, but only in occasional instances. My old SO Chris and I didn't speak very much at all for over 3 months, and to be honest it actually worked. We didn't have a break in our relationship, we had a break after our LDR faltered due to various reasons. When we resumed close contact, just a couple of weeks ago actually, we were all the better for it. It wasn't easy though.

Most cases I don't think breaks work. Better to deal with a problem as it arises rather than let it linger on for long. But sometimes taking a break is what's needed. Some people deal with problems better on their own rather than depending on others to help them. Everyone is different. Breaks might help certain people, but not necessarily everyone.

[floridaellen]

My SO and I broke up for what we thought was for good. We still talked and were best friends; we still told each other that we loved each other but we were not in a relationship or on a break. We eventually got back together and actually both feel more mature and stable in our relationship. We faced life without each other, realized it was horrible, and now have more drive to keep the relationship going.
But it wasn't a break, it was a breakup. My signature says break but I mean breakup lol.

[keypatalina]

Thank you, I think the issue is that we want to be together but the distance and lack of concrete plans has us both incredibly frustrated... I just don't know what to do and feel really helpless.

[OceanBlue]

If you ask me, it doesn't help. I say this from my own experiece. I only makes the space in between you bigger. I think talking things out is way better. Every relationship has its problems, I think the best way is to work on it together. but that's my opinion.

[Ms.Justine]

Okay I apologize because I didn't read any of the previous comments but I would like to say that 9 times out of 10 breaks do not work. You aren't solving the issue by not talking the issue is simply allocated to linger on for days, weeks, months at a time. A break is just a cowards way of initiating a break up.

However, I believe that in a relationship there are outer circumstances ie. work, school, kids, family etc. that can cause stress on you or your partner therefore directly affecting the relationship. This being said someone may need some time to either cool off, clear your mind or deal with the situation in order to continue a healthy relationship. I find that we take our aggression and emotions out on the ones we love most - so sometimes it's better to take time cool off - clear your mind and then enter the relationship again. Be that as it may, this "break" is no longer than 1-7 days in my books.

[keypatalina]

The thing is that "the issue" is closing the distance and what to do because he doesn't want me to move to him since he plans to leave there as soon as he can, but he has no concrete plans to move somewhere and I am taking the bar in July which limits my geographic mobility to an extent. It's not that we're avoiding the issue, we talk about it constantly but the talking about it is only causing more tension and pressure. We do not fight, nor do either of us want to date anyone else and "see what's out there"...just need time to breathe and figure out what's best for each of us professionally and personally. It just seems like talking about the issue has us going in circles because he's unsure about where he what he wants to do (jobwise) and where that would be, except that he's ruled out his hometown and doesn't want to move to mine, which I'd be glad to leave if I knew where I'd be leaving to.

[floridaellen]

The thing is that "the issue" is closing the distance and what to do because he doesn't want me to move to him since he plans to leave there as soon as he can, but he has no concrete plans to move somewhere and I am taking the bar in July which limits my geographic mobility to an extent. It's not that we're avoiding the issue, we talk about it constantly but the talking about it is only causing more tension and pressure. We do not fight, nor do either of us want to date anyone else and "see what's out there"...just need time to breathe and figure out what's best for each of us professionally and personally. It just seems like talking about the issue has us going in circles because he's unsure about where he what he wants to do (jobwise) and where that would be, except that he's ruled out his hometown and doesn't want to move to mine, which I'd be glad to leave if I knew where I'd be leaving to.

Have you tried just not discussing it for a little bit? You have until July. Just focus on your relationship and move that issue to the backburner.

[Kristin91]

In my opinion a break doesn't do anything, except put off dealing with thoughts, feelings, etc. that each of you may have. A couple should either stay together and work on their problems together or just break up if they can't see it working.

[keypatalina]

Have tried to just put it on the backburner, but it's still there like pending and maybe it's me because I want to know already lol. He's more laidback than I am

[Alemap]

I think that breaks can be useful in CDs to get partners out of each other's faces so that they can think.
But you don't take "a break" in an LDR, because you're not physically together to start with - either you're a couple (but, by mutual agreement, having a set period of no contact, so you can both get your thoughts in order), or you're broken up. There's sadly no real in between. Breakups can be on a 'trial' basis, but it's a risky move; I would argue no-one should ever breakup expecting to get back with their partner, otherwise why did you do it to start with? It's dangerous to give someone you're not ready to let go of the space to get used to the idea of their life without you - very dangerous. It may not work out in your favour.