First date night in over a month and stood up

[Jezah]

He was supposed to get up at 6 am his time, 1 am my time and its now 2:30 and no word. I try calling and no answer. He did the same thing on NYE, went for a nap and didn't wake up when he said he would causing me to miss the ball dropping.

This is driving me bonkers. I am trying to work with him and do as my therapist said, make times to talk so I am not just left 'waiting' till he has time. Well she didn't tell me what to do if I did that and he stood me up. I am oddly not mad, I just feel so exhausted by this. He keeps saying things will change and he will be more reliable and make time for me, and yet our first date night in a month (the delay was due to him being too busy) he doesn't get up. Either that or some crazy thing like his internet is down or his dad took his cell and computer, and I wouldn't put it past fate to pull something like that right now.

I am just so tired of this, I can't make him change and arguing seems to do nothing

[keypatalina]

I'm sorry to hear that but my boyfriend's fallen asleep when we're supposed to ichat too, so I definitely know it sucks and gets absolutely exhausting...I don't have any advice other than asking why he seems preoccupied. Maybe he has something personal going on or really is just exhausted and forgetful? Either way, try to talk about both of your feelings and, if you're like me and it's really hard to even TALK because he's busy working or sleeping when you're available then maybe writing a letter or e-mail may work (though I just grit my teeth until he called and we talked a bit and even just talking at all, about anything, gave me some comfort). Breathe and get busy too, I think a lot of us girls in LDRs spend a lot of time waiting around while the guys are keeping busy so maybe joining a gym, taking a class, or doing something else you enjoy may help you feel better? Best of luck!

[Alemap]

Hon, it sounds like you're fed up, and it sounds like he's not giving you much reason not to be.
It sounds - to be honest - like LD might not be the right situation for you as a couple, and that you might be done. Only you (and/or he) can know that for sure, but that's what it sounds like from here.
*hugs*

[lucybelle]

Don't let yourself stay in this cycle.

[Mara]

I really hope that there was a valid reason for why he missed your date.

Unfortunately, we cannot make people change. You cannot make him keep his word or give you more time.

It sounds like you are very unhappy in this relationship, I hope that changes.
*hugs*

[squirrelz15]

I'm sorry he keeps doing stuff like this to you. I hope there was a legitimate reason for him missing it, but at the same time, he has done this before. People say they will change a lot and they don't. You can't make someone change. You deserve to be with someone who wants to spend time with you as much as you want to spend time with them.

[Haley53]

Being honest, this is looking more and more like this is something he does. :/ There are some things people will say they'll change and that they'll work hard at changing, and there are some things they'll be unwilling to change or half-hearted about. Unfortunately I think that the ratio of those who say they'll change and don't to those who mean it/don't commit to what their whole heart isn't in is greater than it should be. My opinion is that you don't say you'll work on something if you don't commit to changing it, but I think right now? It falls on you to decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker.

My SO has been using games a lot to cope lately. We still chat quite a bit throughout the day but sometimes responses will lull. I asked that he tell me when he goes in-game, because games can take 40 minutes or so and I don't like sitting around waiting for responses with such an unexpected lag-time, but it's about 75/25 as far as when he tells me and when he doesn't. Does it bother me? Yes, but he's currently in the very heart of his grief state and I'm realising that though I need to be firm about some things (can't simply let it all go out the window), I also need to think more about what's actually an issue and what isn't. I need to decide whether or not I can deal with someone who's grieving, which unfortunately means being forgiving of some things that wouldn't normally be okay. Although your SO isn't in the same position, you sort of are. You're faced with someone who, to be quite honest, seems to have this more inconsiderate part of him ingrained into his personality.

My opinion is that it's not okay for him to claim he'll make an effort simply to keep you going and then not put in any actual effort at all. But some people can deal with inconsiderate SOs really well. From your threads, to be honest, it does not sound like you are one of these people. And you shouldn't have to be. We all desire care, attention, and affection from our SOs. I have let the game be a non-issue with my SO (normally I would push for having talk time and a time to play games), but that's also because he still makes time where we have our talk time, where we have our one-on-one time, and we still have the occasional phone chat. I don't think I would be as forgiving or able to pursue a relationship in which the times we set aside for ourselves were completely ransacked by one partner's doing on more than one occasion. "Sleeping through it" is not a good enough excuse. Quite frankly, neither is anything else I can think of, especially if they don't have the courtesy to drop you a text or let you know.

I had this issue with my ex, where he would drop our plans at the drop of a hat if one of his friends rang him to go out, or if his family called. It was like he was incapable of saying "no" or of putting any boundaries in place. And I got desperate. We argued over it almost constantly and he got tired of hearing it, so it got to a point where I was willing to allow him to cancel our plans so long as he texted me/let me know beforehand. Well that didn't quite help the behaviour either and when it got to a point he was standing me up on Skype dates that, at the time, we didn't have much opportunity to have, it got to a point where I couldn't handle it anymore. My argument was that I was his girlfriend. Yes, I want him to go out with his friends and do his own thing and that was something I'd encouraged and been happy for him to do since the beginning, but I needed time too, because even though we were distance, we were still in a relationship, and that required a joint effort. I told him that it's inconsiderate for him to plan for a Skype date and then not tell me about it until I text him three hours after the arranged time only to get "Oh, [friend'sname] came by and I decided to go out." What was his opinion? He considered it needy and controlling behaviour. To which I LOLed. We got to a point in our relationship where we sent maybe a text or two a day, if that, and oftentimes to say goodnight or good morning. We sometimes had a 15 minute phone call at the end of the day. When I knew he was going to be out, I didn't text or ring him at all. Completely needy behaviour, as you can tell, and controlling too. But no, I would say that issue (along with the issue of his best friend) is pretty much what ended our relationship. I couldn't be with someone who didn't make time for me, who lazed off and didn't put in any effort because he expected me to stick around for it, and with someone who saw wanting the occasional Skype date as controlling. For me, it didn't get better. I had to decide whether it was worth it to put myself through it. For me, it wasn't. From where I'm standing, it doesn't seem worth it to you, either. :/

[Yaaamiii]

If I were you, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt until I was certain as to why he wasn't up when he said he would be. And then, unless he gives you a good reason, you can determine what should be done. I'm sorry about all this. I've been reading your other threads and I hope for nothing but the best for you.

[Ninjamonkeys]

Just thought I'd quickly reply here then run away before you all eat me I know I don't post much on here, especially in Jess' "rant" threads but that doesn't mean we don't talk things out and resolve them.

So this morning it was a case of my phone dying coupled with a bad night that meant I overslept. It could've happened at any point but it just so happened at a very bad point coz I'm trying to make up for new years. We're in the middle of our date-night right now and it's going great [i hope].

We both love each other very much and we're trying not to let the little things get in the way. I was so annoyed that I missed the start of date-night but I'm not letting that get in the way of the immense amount of fun we have during it! We've resolved all our issues in a mature way, by talking it out, and our relationship is still as strong as ever. None of these "issues" has been caused by me on purpose, they were all just ill-timed!

Anyway: thanks for all the advice to Jess, even if it was to break up with me
Loves, HBB

[hxcbreakdance]

Unfortunately when you are in an LDR things always change last minute, it happens to me a lot but I understand because my SO is very busy at school. It does make me very frustrated at times but you just gotta keep telling yourself that these things happen and one day it will be different. It's hard now but try not to let it get to you too much, and if it seems like too much to handle it may mean that like I saw someone else say you an LDR may not be for you.

[ushiwakafox]

It's totally understandable why you're fed up with it. When we were LD, occasionally my SO would sleep through our date time too. But he always was apologetic about it.
Maybe you're SO has been very busy and just slept in without realizing. Maybe he's just so exhausted from what's going on in his life. Not to say you should let him get away with it, but try not to jump to conclusions. Was he apologetic the last time he did it? If so, did he seem sincere? Does he show regret when he can't/doesn't make more time for you?
I know it's hard to deal with this, we all know. But try not to jump to conclusions until you know exactly what's going on with him. We all have rough times in relationships, maybe y'all are experiencing that right now. Try not to give up.

[DollOnAMusicBox]

It looks like things are worked out but I might as well put my 2 cents in anyways.

This happens to me alllllll the time with my SO. We're 5 hours apart. Today for example, he got home from work and fell asleep. Then when he got up, he talked to me for about 10 minutes before falling BACK to sleep. With no warning, he just stopped talking. And then again. I may sound like I've just resigned to missing nights together, I've decided its not a battle that I want to have with him. We've talked about it, he's made an effort, but...he's got to take care of himself too. I miss him and it sucks but I guess I've realized the difference between being stood up and life getting in the way. One he has control over, the other...not so much. I guess it helps that I know he's just as frustrated in the morning as I am. Or he feels terrible and leaves me a note for when I wake up. As frustrating as it gets, just remind yourself that he's still got your best interests at heart. I don't think it means you sound tired of the relationship, just tired of waiting around. I'm there too. But I still believe in him, and I still love him, and there's going to be a day where we're both in the same time zone, not running two different directions, not needing internet etc. Just give him the benefit of the doubt. He'll surprise you.

[chef.rae]

Sounds like everything has been said already. I hope that things work out for you. Keeping you in my thoughts.