Deciding when enough is enough, and when to hold on...

[rubydissolution]

A lot of people have been posting numerous threads about problems in their current LDRs. From being ignored, lack of affection, too much work, no time, sleeping all the time, always out with friends, to the relationship going null....I'm also in this situation. I thought I'd bring up the broad question of when is too much enough to call it quits?

I posted this in another forum about 1 year being difficult:

"We hit one year in November, quite a lot was going on around that time so it was a struggle to get through it. Then through December, he worked a lot, had no time for me and slept frequently. I understand what you are going through. I don't get texts often, love letters via FB anymore and it stings. I even got the "you know I love you why do I have to say it" line. He got me a lovely ring for Christmas, but i'm wondering more if its from guilt not a sign that he loves me. Its almost like we're falling apart and I can't do anything to change it. Yea I know he loves me, but whenever i bring up my feelings or that i need him to show it more he snaps at me, we get into an argument about me being over emotional. He didn't even show any sign of excitement that I was gonna come see him mid-January until about a week ago. So, i'm not sure if its bc of his excessive working or if he's jus losing interest in our relationship. Its a lot of unknowing and it kills me. I guess we will see where we stand after my visit in a week and a half. I think the best part, is he's bi-polar and he's coming off a manic phase, so odds are he'll be deeply depressed when I arrive. It just sucks...=("

On top of all this I've been depressed for going on three weeks, I cry every night almost. I can only think that his lack of attention or affection is whats causing this. As I mentioned, he has sunk into his depression phase and it has made him snippy and irritable. Last night he jumped down my throat hard and I lost it. Cried and told him if he was going to treat me like this I didn't want to talk to him. We said good night, exchanged I love yous and logged off skype. I expected today that I'd get an apology, via text, email, something. I got nothing, a text like nothing had happened. To top it all off he said he was going out with his friends...again. I do not mind that he goes out with his friends at all, I get mad when he doesn't tell me which he did. However, he always says we're getting a beer n i'll be home right after. This turns into him going to his friends house after for hours and he doesn't get home til 3/4am est, which is 12/1am pst. Considering the lack of time we've spent together over the past two weeks because of his work schedule, I figured he'd pencil me in. But if he's gonna get on skype and make me feel like the biggest piece of crap in the world I don't really want to talk to him anyway.

I just know i'm deserve better then the way he's been treating me, and I'm so tired of being depressed all the time and being the only one who puts effort into the relationship. I see him in a week and a half and I'm afraid the trip is going to be bad and that its going to end with us breaking up and parting ways. Even if that doesn't happen, I don't know how long I can continue on like this.

So when is enough, enough?

[Yaaamiii]

I feel that its really up to you to decide that. If you feel that the way he has been treating you is too hard on you and you can't handle it anymore, then perhaps its time to reevaluate your relationship. Maybe you should try to see if he can schedule a time for you two to talk, because its really important. Maybe you can sort things out, come to a compromise? Sorry you're going through all this.

[ushiwakafox]

You know, he sounds similar to my SO. He tells me I'm over emotional, has a lack of sympathy and understanding, and never apologizes after a fight. I can recall less than a handful of times that he actually apologized for what he said. I'll admit that I am definitely a drama queen, but it still hurts. I've noticed that when I worked on being less emotionally dependent on him, he kinda chilled out a little. He's more willing to listen, and our spats are more controlled now. He still has trouble apologizing by himself, but if he doesn't, I will demand it, and he has no problem saying it then.

If you are the same as me and are very emotionally dependent on your SO, then let me suggest that whenever you two talk to each other on skype or phone or however you communicate, try to not be so emotional. I know it sucks, and it's hard, but maybe he gets so frustrated because in his mind, he works, does whatever he does during the day, so when he talks to you, when he has to "deal with" so much emotion, it stresses him out more. And him being bi polar, I'm sure that's exhausting in itself.
I'm not at ALL saying that the way he deals with it is justifiable. Our first instinct as women is to talk about our feelings. But sometimes guys just don't want to talk. My SO just shows lack of care if I keep bringing up the same things. So I decided that I would stop being so emotional, and if he was still being a jerk, then obviously it's his fault. But sure enough, he stopped. And actually, I find it very empowering to be able to get over something by myself.

I know it sucks to have to work on your own emotions just to shut him up lol. But I also deal with an "unstable" SO. He has dissociative identity disorder, so maybe that's why your SO seems similar.
Before you consider throwing in the towel, I just wanted to mention how my mental tweek really kinda saved our relationship. We were going through the same rough patch that you are.

I hope things get better for y'all!



Well I don't think I even answered your question lol. I would say only you can know yourself when enough is enough. Only you know how much you can/want to take. I wish there was a sure fire way of knowing, but there isn't. Everyone's situation is unique in itself.

[Haley53]

I would say only you can know yourself when enough is enough. Only you know how much you can/want to take. I wish there was a sure fire way of knowing, but there isn't. Everyone's situation is unique in itself.

This. Only you can really determine when you've hit that "breaking point." Is having to ask a good indicator of nearing it? Possibly, and I would say that it's certainly something to consider. Whilst I feel most, if not all, relationships go through a point, whether it's a year in or ten years in, where one or the other partner has to wonder "is it worth it?", I also feel that you need to be able to separate when you're asking when enough is enough because of something that happened, because you've hit a rough patch, from when you're asking it routinely.

There are two things that stood out to be in this post:

One. He's Bipolar. Has he been professional diagnosed with the disorder? If so, is he seeing a therapist? Is he on any form of medication for it? While I want to say that his Bipolar should not be used as an excuse (this will be covered in point two), I also want to say that if he's not being medicated, and he has been diagnosed with having it, that's going to make things significantly more difficult. I have seen children of parents who have been improperly medicated or who have not been on medication at all and I have also been in Bipolar company with people who have not been medicated. My family would argue the same about me being off medication versus on (even if I'm working on cutting it out), despite the fact I was misdiagnosed to begin with. :P The thing is that though medication is not the only answer, as he does need to put in effort and be committed to working on how to manage having Bipolar and how that might effect certain areas of his life, such as friends, work, relationships, etc., being on the right medication for the correctly diagnosed disorder can do wonders for mood disorders such as Bipolar. It can be extremely hard to manage without medication, assuming that he has the disorder.

That being said, we come to point two: His Bipolar is not an excuse. Yes, when there is any form of a "mental illness" involved, or in this case, Bipolar, which is a mood disorder, things are going to be more challenging. You've noted, for example, that he hits phases. You've likely learned to interpret what's boyfriend-in-manic phase and what's boyfriend-hitting-depression phase etc. You've quite probably noted patterns in his behaviour or in the things that he says. But this does not give him an excuse to treat you the way that he's treating you. While it might be a reason for his behaviour, it needs to be a reason he's working on. If he's not medicated, is there a reason he's not? If he is, is he also seeing a therapist? Why or why not? Personally, I think if this is ever going to get better, then this is something he's going to need to commit to working on as well. If he (or you) is going to pin it on his Bipolar, then he needs to be prepared to see someone who can help work on it, or look for workbooks, self-help books, etc. in the meantime to help him do so. The thing is that while his disorder may explain his behaviour, it does not give him an excuse, same as though my partner's grief may have explained his anger a while ago, it gave him no right to lash out at me simply because I was there.

The one thing I can suggest, other than talking to him, as I can imagine you've probably talked until you're blue in the face, is stop depending so much on him and stop showing him that you'll compensate where he's lacking. Don't let him think that he can play off/manipulate your depression and heartache around the issue, and more or less take advantage of it because you're willing to break your back to get rid of it. You shouldn't be the one trying anything and everything. You say you shouldn't be the only one putting effort in, that you're tired of it, so be stubborn about your needs and don't bend for him. If you need a date night, for example, once a week or once every other week, let him know; if he doesn't like the idea, have him throw his suggestions out there, and let him know that while you've tried to simply deal with not having it, it's not working for you and something needs to change if the relationship is going to continue to work for you. Let him know you're willing to compromise and talk about it, but it needs to be talked about and you'd appreciate it if he listened and considered what you have to throw out there.

When it comes to him, for example, snapping at you. Don't sit around crying and waiting for an apology. Don't automatically expect that it's going to happen. When he starts getting aggressive with you, give him a chance, tell him, "I would really like to talk this out with you, but I can't do it if you're going to get aggressive with me. If you want, we can both take the night to cool off and we'll talk tomorrow?" and if he continues to be aggressive, leave. Don't escalate the situation and don't sit there being a masochist when he jumps down your throat. Assert yourself and your boundaries, that you're there if he wants to talk about what bothered him and why but not if he's going to snap at you, and leave if he can't follow them. Sometimes a little time to cool down is a good thing. And the next morning, if you haven't heard, go keep yourself busy. Don't mope because he didn't apologise and don't let it turn into a game of who apologises or says something first. If you want him to be the first to say something, then okay, but then go about your day and try to keep your mind off it until you hear from him.

I would also try backing off. Don't always be the one to text him or IM him first. Giving my SO space when I sensed that he needed it was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but it improved our relationship immensely. If you continue to push him, especially if you're reacting emotionally every conversation, if you continue to push for more and more contact or continue to initiate more and more contact because he's not, you're going to end up smothering him and pushing him away. Though I'm not going to say that all of this is your fault and though I do think he needs to put in more of an effort, I think there are also things you can do, such as not smothering him, not always focusing on the negatives during conversations, not always wanting to talk out problems, not getting so upset when he does something you don't like, etc. that could help improve the relationship immensely. Because honestly, while he's on the brink of a depressive phase, he really may be withdrawing to some extent and the more you push, the more he will recoil. My best advice to you would be to either decide he's making you too miserable to stay, or find something other than your boyfriend to keep you going throughout the day. When you hit rough patches like this, it is hard, harder than anything. I know that some days I'll still have days where I want to do nothing but mope and cry, but though crying/getting it out is good, moping is not. I will still push myself to go for a run or a walk or to get out and do something with my mother or sister. I will go read or take a hot shower or a bubble bath. I will cuddle with my cat. You need to have something other than your SO keeping you going, and you need to have something other than the hope of your relationship getting better pushing you through the hard times. You cannot be so dependent on your SO, because that will make even small issues seem more significant.

EDIT: I'm quite tired, so if I typo'ed, please excuse it.

[Laura_N]

Like the others said, you will know when enough is enough.

I'm not in an LDR anymore as I broke up with my ex, but when we were together we had a bunch of problems to solve. She wouldn't really listen to me when I tried to talk about them, as she would rather just deny or ignore them. There was a point when she promised we would start working on some of them but I don't think she was in it with a full heart. The lack of attention, me having to be careful with my words or what feelings to show and having no more sparkle in the relationship made my own feelings fade. She was a lovely woman, but she wasn't for me, and I wasn't able to handle her or our problems when she wasn't ready to work on them. Our relationship was really getting on me, I was super stressed and feeling blue all the time, and nowadays I feel much better and it was a huge weight off my shoulders.

[rubydissolution]

I'm actually not dependent on him, and I didn't for the 3 weeks I was depressed sit around and mope. Just to clear that up, I went out with my friends, movies, dinners, shopping. I played games alone, I caught up on my shows, and i worked a lot. I don't sit next to my phone waiting for a text on a daily basis. I'm pretty independent. I just need the stupid little things now n then to know he cares.

I actually wrote him a faux letter which I never intended to send, just to write out my issues and make myself feel better. It worked and it gave me the courage to tell him "We are going to talk about this, i'm not attacking you please listen." I used the letter as an outline while I talked. He was actually receptive, didn't get angry and let me get everything out before he chimed in. I basically covered everything I typed out in this forum and then some. And I asked the big question, "Do you still see a future for us?" He said he did, and he was sorry for being a douche the night before and for the past few weeks. I guess he didn't realize just how depressed I was. So, not to jump the gun but he's been pretty good today regarding his attitude with me and such. I just seem to feel better because I finally got it all off my chest.

As for the bi-polar, he has been diagnosed but isn't seeing anyone or taking medication for it. I don't think he can afford either, his job doesn't provide medical insurance or pharmacy deductable. Its a sensitive topic n he doesn't really like talking about it. I don't want to push. I'm not particularly sure that's a major contributor to whats going on, but it may be. He's never made it out to be a big deal. It may become something we have to talk about in the near future.

Thx for the advice guys <3

[sardonis]

I was going to chime in, but it looks like Eclaire covered my thoughts and it looks like you have your situation in hand Ruby. Glad you talked it out. I JUST did that with my SO lastnight myself and shed two weeks worth of anxiety in an hour. ^_^

[ushiwakafox]

OP, it's good to hear that he is cooperating for now. But don't believe that just because he apologized now means he's a changed man and will be a saint from now on. But this is a good thing, so use this positive energy to work on things Eclaire suggested. Only he can make adjustments in himself, so while things are relatively calm and positive, work on the things you might need to improve in.

Eclaire mentioned "Don't sit around crying and waiting for an apology." That was a huge problem with me. Whenever my SO was being a...stubborn person...I always expected and needed an apology, and when I didn't get one, it broke my heart. I thought he just didn't care about me and yadda yadda. If you don't get an apology, tell him straight up that you feel you deserve an apology. Every time I've done that with my SO, he's obliged. My SO is the type who genuinely respects self esteem and confidence, and a woman who knows what she wants and deserves. So by me taking control and telling him what I deserve, he will apologize no questions asked. Now, it's never a thoughtful drawn-out apology. It's usually only an "I'm sorry". But hey, that's good for me. It's better than nothing at all.

Eclaire also mentioned not always being the one to IM or text first. I got into this phase where I realized that I was always the one to say hi first and it made me feel like he didn't look forward to talking to me like I did. So I decided to stop saying hi. I didn't text at all until he did first. For me, that worked. 9 out of 10 times, he'll text me first if I don't say anything. If nothing more, it does make you feel important.

When I worked on the two things mentioned above, it made a difference in how my SO and I communicate, and I actually think my SO respects me more now. He sees me as more self sufficient.

Hope all is going well still.