Honesty

[Malaga]

So my bf and I were on chat the other day and the conversation steered in a funny direction. I complained about feeling fat and in an attempt to reassure me he was like, you don't look fat at all - how much do you weigh anyway?

I was like and wouldn't answer it. He got and was like why not?? I said it's a question no woman likes to answer and something that's not even nice to ask. And he said, but you know I wouldn't think anything of it - and I thought we shared everything!

So it got me thinking. There are things like that which I wouldn't want to share with him, stupid things like weight or something trivial like that, but which I feel awkward about. He knows it's just vanity and it's not like I keep anything more important than that from him, so it's not an issue. To me it's not a question of misleading him or embellishing the truth, it's just about being considerate enough not to probe about stuff your partner feels insecure about.
I haven't weighed myself in like 2 years anyway, so I wouldn't even know what to say.

But I was wondering, do you stick to the absolute honesty policy in your relationships, or do you prefer to keep some things to yourself? And how does your partner feel about it? Are there questions you wouldn't want your partner to know the answer to? Would you ever justify telling a white lie, say, tell them you weigh less than you do, or something like that?

[Haley53]

I tend to be an open book when it comes to my partner. He asks, or I tell, unless I have what I see in my mind as a valid reason to not. I have told white lies, but those have mostly been when trying to co-ordinate surprises or drag information out of him to put together an exciting gift box. :P

When it comes to my partner, however, I let him decide what he wants to share and what he doesn't. Generally he'll share things with me, but in less detail if he doesn't need to talk about them. For example, if I'm facing something challenging in my life, I'll tell him about it, but I'll detail it and give him the full idea of what's going on. When it comes to what's going on with his, say, with his brother's custody, it's more a hassle than an issue at this point (as they're certain he'll win custody regardless of what his father's trying to pull) and so I only have vague notions and ideas about it, whereas I have more details on the bigger issues that are going on in his life.

When it comes to little things like numbers, I'm not supposed to know how much I weigh. :P But some nurse let it slip and it caused a huge issue, so my partner is aware of that only for that reason. Beyond that, I'm fairly certain it's neither something he really cared about (even in context) nor was it something he felt, given who I am and what I've been through, was appropriate to ask. I can't think of any questions I wouldn't answer with honesty, and I should hope he feels the same. The only issue we've run into is that you have to be prepared to accept the honesty you ask for, the whole don't ask for honesty/help/whathaveyou if you don't actually want it, because the both of us are people who say it as we see it.

[Zapookie]

I would say I'm pretty open about everything in general, even to my friends. Sometimes I can give a little TMI. haha. So thats how I am with my SO. I tell him everything,

[marbear31]

I'm only 4 months into my relationship, but since day 1, I have never kept anything secret from my SO. He said that it's actually the thing he appreciates most about me (sincerity, openness, etc.). I'm a wear my heart on my sleeve type of girl, so that's never been an issue for me. We've actually had great conversations about it, and as our relationship has progressed, he's opened up more and more to me, and he doesn't hide things from me. I've just learned it's best to let him reveal himself at his own pace, especially because of past issues with girlfriends' genuineness. This is my first relationship, so I'm not colored by past boyfriend perceptions, but it is very hard for me to trust people on a deep level. The fact that I can do that with him speaks volumes to me, even if we both go through doubts. Honesty is the most important thing to me in a relationship.

[kiara_silver]

Its actually funny but i lost my license when he was here. So he was with me when I applied for my new one lol and one of the questions is your weight, i meant to put 2 pounds lighter but i just put my actual weight. Plus i mentioned it before, so i think he knows, but he doesn't really care about things like this, he loves me for me so he might not know lol I talk about things you shouldn't to your bf sometimes lol, things that only you or your girlfriends or sisters should talk about lol TMI

But in general im open with him, and like Eclaire put, i tend to give more detail then he does. And when he shares he tells me but not as much in detail unless its something important. But were both open and honest, We know that its important to make this relationship work. I tend to keep things that bother me to myself for a day or two but it eats at me and i think the worse so then i unload it all on him and we work it out lol But my SO is very honest which makes me love him all the more.

[garnet]

My SO doesn't know what I weigh. He doesn't CARE what I weigh (though he's curious), but I will never tell him! He asked at one point too, and my response was also :O !! I totally don't feel the need to be THAT open of a book. It isn't the same as keeping secrets. I like to think of it more as, there are some things a lady doesn't share. This lady does not share that. *nod* I don't tend to get into discussions about my monthly inconveniences, or the like either. For my own life, there has to be a small bit of mystery - otherwise it just turns into a roommate thing too fast. And before anyone pounces on what I'm saying, I am only saying it for myself. And my situation.

[lucybelle]

I answer his questions honestly. I mean there's things that he just doesn't need to know like explicit details of my sexual past (though we do talk about bits and pieces), period woes, beauty secrets, etc. Things he wouldn't be interested in to begin with, and there's things that I wouldn't really need to know about him.

We talk about weight all the time. I used to be 30lbs heavier and am a serious eater. So now I constantly monitor how much I weigh to not gain any weight back. My SO has recently put on weight and I'm encouraging him to lose it now. Neither of us know exactly how much we weigh since we don't have a scale. I am dying without a scale, but the cheapest one we could find here was $50!! Waiting for one to appear on Craig's list...

[nicole]

I think I we're both "open enough" to each other.

My SO knows I HATE HATE HATE talking about any sort of bathroom-related stuff, and it has to be something really bothering me to bring me to even mention it. So we don't talk about it. I mention this because I know a couple who talk about ALL of that stuff; there are no mysteries in that area at all (and I mean at all; they share so much my SO and I know all about it too....), and living like that would make me so uncomfortable! lol There are things we just don't talk about like sexual past (apart from the health aspect of course), but I think if he asked, I would tell him. I've got nothing bad to hide.

[nomnom_elf]

when living together; there are somethings like bathroom - linked stuff he just ends up finding out. (etc, why you take a plastic bag into the toilet once a month, hair regiume and weight!)

but then there are other things he has to know- money issues.

overall we are open to each other- we've talked over our past relationships and sexual experiences, ups and downs. generally i'm the one forth coming in opening up if somethings bothering. you are right when you say if your not prepared to take the answer- don't ask the Q!!!

[floridaellen]

I'm a very open person, sometimes too open haha, so my SO basically knows everything. I don't really care if people know my weight. I mean they know what I look like so why does it really matter? But I can understand why some people may feel self-concious so I would never ask someone how much they weigh. I'm only open about bathroom stuff if I have to be lol.

[Malaga]

Thanks guys. What garnet said is exactly how I feel. I know that I call tell him the number and he wouldn't think anything of it at all, but I just don't want to. Whether it's insecurity or vanity, I just don't want to be so transparent.

If I was to get philosophical, I guess I always had a bit of an issue with the idea of sharing *everything*. I don't like the thought of not having my personal intimacy, something that is only mine, a harmless little secret, no matter how comfortable I feel with my boyfriend. It's like a way for me to preserve my identity, well, one of the ways. I'm glad he didn't make it into a trust issue.

[Trethsparr]

I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping your weight private if you want to. Or really any feeling or fact non-crucial to the relationship or your SO. I'll be an open book with him if he wants (he rarely asks), but I don't know that it's vital to share every bit of minutia. Myself, we're pretty open about female issues and bathroom troubles sometimes. Since we live together, sometimes it simplifies thing for us to not have to hide or downplay how we feel when we're sick.

Personally, I would have preferred to keep that number to myself, too, but since my husband's a pilot and he often takes us flying in a small plane, he *has* to know my weight so that he can figure out the weight and balance of the plane (and if we have room to take certain items or suitcases, whether we'll have enough fuel for our destination, etc). Oh well!

[Zephii]

We're pretty damn open. I mean the only "privacy" I ask is that if he's going to read my diary he do so when I'm not around to feel embarrased.

I want him to know the gory details, generally. I want him to know exactly who and what I am. And I expect more or less the same from him. I don't want either of us to go into this thinking the other is something they are not.

I just... I don't have anything to hide really. And I mean, if I lose or gain weight he's going to see it on me, so the number isn't a big deal. Actually, he asked me last night when I weighted myself. It went like this:
Obi "How much do you weigh?"
Me "47"
Obi "Is that what you weighed last time?"
Me "Nah, it's a bit more. But I havn't had a crap today, so it's probably that."

Yeah, no shame between us lol. The way I figure it is this: One day we're going to get old. I've cared for elderly and sick family before. There will be a time where one of us will be sick and relying on the other. I've had to wipe buts or shower people before, help with bed pans, change dirty sheets, clean up blood from accidents, whatever. And one of the things that is the worst for the person being looked after is the embarrasment and shame. It's bad enough when you can't have your full independance, never mind the added embarrasment of having never pee'd infront of someone before.
That and I feel we are responsible for each other. We pay attention to each other's bodys, so things like weight gain, or moles or unexplained lumps don't go unnoticed and get out of control.

Or maybe I'm just weird. There's that too.

[Trethsparr]

I want him to know the gory details, generally. I want him to know exactly who and what I am. And I expect more or less the same from him.

I concur so freaking much.

[Engel]

I know I am weighting way more than I should be right now, but even that I tell my SO, but I understand where you are coming from for not wanting to tell