SO's behaviour...what do you think?

[bluishskin]

Hi everyone! It's been a while since the last time I logged in LFAD. I hope you guys are doing well with your SOs.

This time I need some opinions. It's gonna be a long post so please bear with me My SO was here for 2 weeks. In the first week he caught a fever and diarrhea. I was taking care of him the whole time; taking him to the doctor, making sure he took his meds and eat properly, etc. The doc advised him not to eat hot, spicy and sour food for a few days, at least until he recovered. After 4 days (no more fever and diarrhea), he was having lunch with me in my house and asked if I had tomato sauce. Tomatoes happened to be one of those that he had to avoid because of their sour taste, as advised by the doc. I did have a new unopened bottle of tomato sauce, but I lied. I said I didn't have any. I did that because I thought if I'd told him I had one he would've tried to persuade me to let him have it.

After lunch we went to a supermarket and he wanted to buy a bottle of tomato sauce. I stupidly blurted out saying, "Well actually I have a new bottle of tomato sauce at home." In short he knew that I lied and by the look of his face and reaction he was utterly upset, despite my good intention. He said, "You lied in front of my face? Shame on you." Even at the counter when I asked, "Are you sure you're gonna buy this chili sauce too?"; he said, "I'm not your kid!"

During dinner at my brother's studio (where he was staying during his visit) we didn't talk at all. I was also a bit upset at the "not your kid" remark. When he went to his bedroom I started to notice that something was definitely wrong. He was lying on his bed while reading a novel, and I was there too, lying on a separate bed. Yet he didn't talk to me. He was acting so cold. But when I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I apologised for being bossy, and I kept asking him to tell me what actually went wrong, but he kept saying that there was nothing to talk about. He had never done this to me before. Usually he would be direct and honest. Then I started crying and begging him to tell me what was going on. I did suspect that it was about the tomato sauce but I needed to be sure. At the end he stood his ground and told me to go to bed. He didn't even let me caress his hair and kiss him good night (he looked away when I was about to do that!). I then realised that he wanted some space and time. So I went downstairs to my sister's studio and tried to sleep.

The next morning he came down to my sister's studio to have breakfast with me, my sister and her husband. No convo at all, though sometimes we exchanged looks and smiled a bit. I was feeling tortured. It's something that I hadn't experienced, even in my family. All of us were going out that day to attend a wedding anniversary celebration. In the car, he took my hand and was holding it during the trip. I nearly cried because I thought I was about to lose him. When we were at the celebration, we were just acting normally in front of people.

When we went home, he went back to the studio and I joined him in the bedroom. He was lying in bed and I was just sitting there playing with my mobile phone. A few minutes later he beckoned me to lie next to him. He started hugging me and I started sobbing. I mean, c'mon man, hugging me while not yet explaining why he had been treating me like that? Then I asked him again to tell me what was wrong. He was silent at first, so I told him that we couldn't work things out unless he started talking. You see, one of the goals of this 4th visit was to talk to my brother about our future plans and stuff. Because he got sick we had to postpone the trip to go see my brother.

So when he started talking he said that he became unsure what to talk about with my brother, because he had been thinking that things between us had been going smooth but apparently it wasn't. And that because I lied to him about the tomato sauce. He said he was brokenhearted, and it wasn't because of the tomato sauce, but because I LIED TO HIM. He even said, "I thought you were different from other girls." He said that by lying to him I was treating him like a kid. If I had been treating him like an adult I would've been honest about having the tomato sauce and asked him directly not to have it.

I then explained why I'd lied and I apologised a few times and that I didn't mean anything bad. I said things like, "I'm just a human. Humans make mistakes. In any relationship there will be a time like this; a time when there's an argument and we ask ourselves whether our partner is the one we want. Please give me a chance to fix things. But to work this out, I can't do it alone. I need your help." I asked him if he still wanted to talk to my brother, because I needed to later ask my brother when was the best day to see him. If he changed his mind and decided to cancel the discussion with my brother, it was ok, because I wanted him to talk to my brother based on his own will, not because he had to. I even thought to myself, that if he had cancelled the discussion just because of the argument, then he would've been so immature, he would've missed the opportunity and made a negative impression of himself in front of my family.

Anyway, at the end we resolved it and we went to see my brother 6 days later, and we had the discussion (which went very well). What do you think about what happened above? Did I deserve that kind of treatment from him? What do you think of his attitude? Now that I experienced that kind of treatment from him, I have to be ready to experience it again in the future. I know dishonesty is bad, but sometimes in life there are times when we can't avoid lying. I'm not trying to find excuses. I accept if I make mistakes and make people upset, and I always try to be better.

I'm really really sorry for the long post. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. Cheers!

[squirrelz15]

Alright, you already know you shouldn't have lied. I'm not one who ever really sees lying to my SO as necessary, and your SO is obviously uncomfortable with it. His thought process is probably something along the lines of if you're lying about something so small, what else have you lied about. He shouldn't have treated you like that, but at the same time he had a good reason to be upset, and that is obviously his way of handling things, so be prepared for that in the future. It sounds like things have worked out for now so that's good. You both had parts that maybe could have been handled better, but that's part of being human and making mistakes.

[lucybelle]

Oh my gosh. Tell him to get over it! It wasn't a big deal! I don't know, I don't get it. It was a silly little lie that you were trying to look out for him (tomatoes are actually acidic too, so it would have been bad for that reason). I think he totally over reacted and turned one tiny little instance into something enormous that lasted DAYS. What is he, 12? He says he doesn't want to be treated like a kid, but he sure is acting like one. He wasn't mature enough to say "well you don't have to lie to me about things." the end. End of conversation. Instead he gives you the silent treatment, then acts like everything is fine, insulted you, then acts like this is the end of everything for you two. I think he needs to grow up. He should apologize to you for the way he acted, then you both should forget this whole stupid thing and move on. I mean.. really!

[Engel]

Alright, you already know you shouldn't have lied. I'm not one who ever really sees lying to my SO as necessary, and your SO is obviously uncomfortable with it. His thought process is probably something along the lines of if you're lying about something so small, what else have you lied abou

You had the best intentions and I understand why you did it, but I also understand why he got upset, for the reason stated in the quote above. it will be ok, he will get over it. next time, just dont lie, even about something small. if he wants to trow a tantrum you can say you lied to him before and he said you treated him like a child but a tantrum is childish, and would make him deserve that. only if he threw a tantrum, that is


we learn if our mistakes, relationships are work in progress. but he should be grateful you took care of him and only had his best interest at heart.

[Yaaamiii]

Oh my gosh. Tell him to get over it! It wasn't a big deal! I don't know, I don't get it. It was a silly little lie that you were trying to look out for him (tomatoes are actually acidic too, so it would have been bad for that reason). I think he totally over reacted and turned one tiny little instance into something enormous that lasted DAYS. What is he, 12? He says he doesn't want to be treated like a kid, but he sure is acting like one. He wasn't mature enough to say "well you don't have to lie to me about things." the end. End of conversation. Instead he gives you the silent treatment, then acts like everything is fine, insulted you, then acts like this is the end of everything for you two. I think he needs to grow up. He should apologize to you for the way he acted, then you both should forget this whole stupid thing and move on. I mean.. really!

I'm gonna have to side with Lucybelle on this one. I mean, I'm not a fan of lying and I wouldn't have done it, but seriously, I think his attitude towards it was blown waaaayyyy exaggerated. It was pretty childish of him to act that way. You shouldn't have lied, fine. But I think he should have been mature enough to tell you what you did wrong to begin with.

We all overreact to things, but this should probably not have been one of them...

[bluishskin]

Thank you for replying my post.

It didn't cross my mind about this:

His thought process is probably something along the lines of if you're lying about something so small, what else have you lied about.

Because on the day it happened I at first thought to myself, "It was only a little over a bottle of tomato sauce. What's the big deal? Why is he treating me as if I'd done something bigger than that?" Then again after the argument I came to the idea that I shouldn't lie to him, even over a small thing. It's a bit complicated for me as there are 2 different sides: 1) I got puzzled because it was a little lie over a bottle of tomato sauce, 2) It seems that he hates being lied to over any kind of thing, no matter how small it is. I hope you get what I mean...hehe...

I've learnt the lesson. On the other hand, I did wish that he hadn't given me that kind of treatment. At that time he did say that the reason why he had needed some time to cool down was because that he was afraid of being rude to me.

Just to clarify, it didn't last for days. It happened on Christmas in the evening and we managed to resolve it the next day, like in about 21 hours. Days after that everything went back to normal, even until today. We're already over it but sometimes it still comes up to my mind, because on that day I felt like I was facing a completely different person. Or perhaps that's one of things about him that I haven't known before. Just a few hours before posting this thread I was on the phone with him. I told him that I'd gone to my brother's studio and I could still picture him lying in one of those beds while reading a book. I also told him that it reminded me of the day of our argument and how he was treating me. To my surprise, he apologised.

He's 27 years old and I'm 30. I know age doesn't guarantee maturity, but I admit that in some situations he needs to be more mature. He still needs a lot to learn. This is his first relationship, whilst he's my third. Should I tell him to try not to treat me like that again in the future? I'm afraid of opening a closed wound and causing a new argument.

[Haley53]

I agree with all of the above.

On the one hand, I see where he's coming from. Yes, it hurts to be lied to, even about something small, even when your intentions are in the right place, and yes, it's annoying to have someone nagging over your shoulder even when their intentions are good. For one, the doctor said for a few days/until he'd recovered; it had been four (a few) and he had no diarrhea or fever (recovered). For another, any independent man or woman does not want their partner hanging over their shoulder asking them "are they sure they want..." as it's almost demeaning; I also think that there's a stigma to it, which possibly explains a part of why he was so riled when you asked at the counter in front of someone else.

On the other hand, though I stand by that this was more about the principal and not the exact reason you lied, I also feel, like lucybelle, that he acted like a child. Even in regards to wanting space, which might have been uncalled for/an overreaction in this situation, he did not communicate that to you, rather sat there and waited for you to "get it." To me, the way he handled this was not handling this at all. He more or less got butthurt and pulled you into one big game when what he should have done was talk to you about the situation. If he needed space? Fine, sure, he can have it, but he should be mature and adult enough to say, "I really need some space right now, but we can talk about this later, okay?" and only take the time he needs to calm down enough to talk about the problem.

That being said, I also think it's important you understand he's an adult and should be allowed to make his own choices. Saying "didn't the doctor say...?" when he's getting the chili powder off the shelf, or when at home, might have been better than "are you sure...?" at the counter. Giving him a suggestion is different than pestering him about something when it'd been a few days and all his symptoms had gone away. To me, the issue might lie more in your reasons for lying than anything, despite what he said.

[lucybelle]

He's 27 years old and I'm 30. I know age doesn't guarantee maturity, but I admit that in some situations he needs to be more mature. He still needs a lot to learn. This is his first relationship, whilst he's my third. Should I tell him to try not to treat me like that again in the future? I'm afraid of opening a closed wound and causing a new argument.

I think you should bring it up. Otherwise it could come up at a bad time later. Just say that you don't want to open a fresh wound, but you didn't appreciate the way he treated you. Like Eclaire said, if he needed space, he should have TOLD YOU and not just ignored you. Tell him you now understand that honesty is always important to him, but that the situation could have been solved better if he had communicated with you instead of shutting down. If he flipped out this bad over some freaking tomato sauce, what would he do if he got upset over something that really mattered? You need to tell him how important communication is.

[sardonis]

What lucybelle said.

I hate lying of any kind. He should have communicated with you. It's only fair and if he felt he might be rude by communicating, he should have said so then, not left you with a mysterious hole to wonder about between you two. Second, he should learn how to communicate even when emotional in a way that he doesn't fear being rude.

[LilyChiba]

I hate lying with a passion and because of previous experiences, it's hard for me to trust when someone does it, no matter the reasoning behind it. Sad thing is, when I know someone is lying and they keep denying it, I sort of do the same thing that your SO does. I pull away and brood over it. For instance, how my SO got the phone number of one of his female friends recently (one he knows I've had a grudge against for nearly two years over lies another of our friend spoke out, which we just learned). He was 'looking through his emails' because we wanted to sort out the BS that day and get her online. When she had given him the number the night before. I still don't get why a person lies about things like that, it's annoying more than anything to think that someone doesn't trust you enough to take things the right way when being honest. But it's life and as you said, we all make mistakes.

[Zephii]

I think you're both blowing it way out of proportion. Maybe he just needed a bit of space to see that he was being a dick? I'm usually a talk-it-over kind of person, but really, this is so small, just let it go. You need to pick your battles, and work out what is worth ironing out and when you can be the solution by yourself. He's over it. Now it's time for you to let go as well.
He was cold to you for a mere few hours, it sounds like he slept it off after that and didn't think it needed to be hashed over again, yet you hung onto it and let it keep upsetting you, and you're still worrying at it in your mind and bringing it here.

When people get upset or hurt they are not at their best. He might have even still been feeling a touch off from having been sick. Sometimes that involves needing a little space to cool off. Sometimes that means not touching each other for a few hours. Not a big deal.
I'd let it rest. Yes, he could have delt with it better and spoken to you right away, but a lot of people need space before the talking comes. (I don't know why, coz I'm not one of them).

[Zapookie]

I agree that it's not always best to lie.. but it was over a bottle of tomato sauce! His reaction was unnecessary! I agree with the above when its said that you need to pick your battles.

This was something that was not worth your tears. Something that could have easily been resolved had he just been open with you and honest about how he felt when he realised you lied. Instead, he dragged it out and blew it way out of proportion. It's not worth it.

You need to talk to him and tell him that if something like this ever happens again (which hopefully it doesn't), that he communicates his feelings to you instead of shutting you out and acting like everythings OK. That's not the way to deal with problems.

[bluishskin]

Thank you so much to everyone for sharing your thoughts with me.

Yes, I fully understand the importance of honesty because it leads to trust, and that lying is not good regardless the reason behind it. It was actually the first time I lied to him. I know I should just let it go, but somehow it was still lingering in my mind and I got curious about what other people would think of my situation. I'm also more into the talk-it-over person, and to be honest if I upset someone I'd rather have that person say it right in front of my face, as long as s/he is not being abusive. That's how it is in my family. But then again I need to remember that everyone deals with problems differently.

I do wish he had been direct at that time, that he needed some space and he didn't feel like talking. It would've been easier for me to deal with as well, I think. And I certainly didn't mind giving him space, although it was hard for me. The thing is, when I asked things like "what's wrong?" and "why are you ignoring me?", he kept saying "nothing is wrong, there is nothing to talk about and I'm not ignoring you...if I were I wouldn't be talking to you at all right now." So you see the contradiction. I could see clearly how upset he was, yet he kept saying otherwise right in front of my face.

About the maturity, thank you Eclaire for your opinions. I do tend to be bossy, and he really doesn't like me being like that. While we were resolving the argument he did add something about my bossy attitude, that I could've said things better instead of ordering him what to do and the sort. So yeah, will keep on trying to work that out.

I'll talk to him about this, particularly about what we should do to prevent it from happening again in the future. Communication is always the key, isn't it?

[thatgirllit]

You need to work on better communication. As other posters have stated, you lied and you know it was wrong. However, the way he acted, neglecting you emotionally, was not in good form either. I would suggest that you talk to him about the incident. That while you understand what you did was wrong, that you also would like there to be better communicaiton between the two of you moving forward.