I don't like this

[snow_girl]

I've been up now for 21 hours. I flew home today for a couple weeks to visit friends and family. As soon as we started to descend all I could see was flat brown land for as far as the eye could see, it looked like a desert which was depressing coming from lush green England and I knew right then I wasn't ready to be here long.

My Mom and Dad were waiting for me and really excited to see me. We stopped for lunch and I asked how my Grandma was doing as she had not been feeling well this week. My mom said that she had been having stomach pains and they took her to the hospital and she had gone into surgery and had part of her colon removed and was close to going into septic shock. She waited to tell me in person cause they last time I was about to come home from being away I found out though a facebook status that my Grandpa had died and was not pleased about that. The weird part is that last night I had this awful feeling about my grandma and couldn't stop thinking about her dying. I told my SO on the way to the airport this morning and he said that I always have bad dreams like that and I shouldn't worry.

Anyway, We stopped at the hospital to see her before going home and she is in an intensive care unit. We had to put on gowns to see her. She didn't look like my Grandma, her teeth were out and it was really hard to see her. She was confused and the meds are giving her nightmares but she was able to see me and we had a short few minutes to talk. She was still really confused and sedated so we didn't stay long.

I just got home and it feels weird. Like I never ever left and the last 7 months were just a dream, I don't like it. I don't like the fact that it seems to easy to dismiss this life I've had with my SO like it isn't real. I also hate even more that he isn't here and all I want to do is cry and I hate so much seeing my gma like that. And everything that I was excited to come home for doesn't seem so exciting anymore. And I should have probably just blogged this but whatever..

[Zephii]

*Big hugs* I'm so sorry, I can feel your sadness through your words. I wish there was a way to make it better. Sending good thoughts for your Grandma.

[Rach321]

I'm very sorry. It sounds terribly difficult.

I was recently apart from Jay for 2 weeks. It, too, felt like the distance was back all over again. Logically, I knew it was for a short period of time, but somehow my mind and emotions didn't remember that we have been living together for the past 7 months and that we have a life together now. It felt very strange.

[squeeker]

Aww I'm so sorry! I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope your Grandma is okay and pulls through this and you can enjoy some family time and that it also goes by quickly so you can get back to your SO and lush green England.

[chef.rae]

So sorry to hear *big hugs* I will keep you and your grandma in my thoughts and prayers.

[nicole]

*hugs* I am sorry about your grandma, I hope she starts to get better soon. I hope you can have a good visit with your family; your SO is still there, and waiting for you when you come back!

[blankita719]

I don't have anything but big hugs for you. I'm sorry things are so sad right now.

[elina]

I'm sorry to hear you're not feeling too well, and I really hope your grandma will get better soon. Sending good thoughts your way.

[squirrelz15]

I'm sorry, it sounds like you're going through a lot right now I hope things get better for you

[Engel]

I've been up now for 21 hours. I flew home today for a couple weeks to visit friends and family. As soon as we started to descend all I could see was flat brown land for as far as the eye could see, it looked like a desert which was depressing coming from lush green England and I knew right then I wasn't ready to be here long.

My Mom and Dad were waiting for me and really excited to see me. We stopped for lunch and I asked how my Grandma was doing as she had not been feeling well this week. My mom said that she had been having stomach pains and they took her to the hospital and she had gone into surgery and had part of her colon removed and was close to going into septic shock. She waited to tell me in person cause they last time I was about to come home from being away I found out though a facebook status that my Grandpa had died and was not pleased about that. The weird part is that last night I had this awful feeling about my grandma and couldn't stop thinking about her dying. I told my SO on the way to the airport this morning and he said that I always have bad dreams like that and I shouldn't worry.

Anyway, We stopped at the hospital to see her before going home and she is in an intensive care unit. We had to put on gowns to see her. She didn't look like my Grandma, her teeth were out and it was really hard to see her. She was confused and the meds are giving her nightmares but she was able to see me and we had a short few minutes to talk. She was still really confused and sedated so we didn't stay long.

I just got home and it feels weird. Like I never ever left and the last 7 months were just a dream, I don't like it. I don't like the fact that it seems to easy to dismiss this life I've had with my SO like it isn't real. I also hate even more that he isn't here and all I want to do is cry and I hate so much seeing my gma like that. And everything that I was excited to come home for doesn't seem so exciting anymore. And I should have probably just blogged this but whatever..

i know all too well how you feel, exactly how i felt in brazil. specially because my grandma had a stroke and doesn't look much like the grandma i used to know. she had the stroke at the end of 2010. i still have nightmares about something happening to her and wake up scared and crying.

I hope your grandma gets better. and that you feel better and go back hoe in england soon (the feeling of never having left and the life in the place we wanting to be being a dream is a crappy feeling, and I've been there as well, but sadly i don't have any wise words of advice, for me the feeling just went away when i went away from brazil and back to germany)

[lucybelle]

That sounds just awful. I'm so sorry your grandma is ill. I can't imagine how hard it is. Best wishes your way.

[Tanja]

I'm so sorry to hear about your nana. I know what it feels like to see her like that, tied in the hospital bed and not being herself... Both of my nana's have died within the past 3 years so I can relate. I really hope she pulls through though and I'm sure seeing you there helps her. I'm sending good thoughts your way ♥

I just got home and it feels weird. Like I never ever left and the last 7 months were just a dream, I don't like it. I don't like the fact that it seems to easy to dismiss this life I've had with my SO like it isn't real.

I was recently apart from Jay for 2 weeks. It, too, felt like the distance was back all over again. Logically, I knew it was for a short period of time, but somehow my mind and emotions didn't remember that we have been living together for the past 7 months and that we have a life together now. It felt very strange.

Andy's just gone home for 2,5 weeks and I KNOW I shouldn't feel sad about it cause he'll be back and he isn't gone for long... But the first time I Skyped with him again the other night it felt like the distance is back all over again and I felt so overwhelmed and emotional it's ridiculous. Everytime he smiled I started crying - I know, it's beyond pathetic. The best part is I told everyone this will be a piece of cake cause we've practiced being in a LDR for 3 years! But I guess it's just the memories from the time we were apart that are surfacing again...

I hope you feel better soon and can take comfort from the fact that you're not alone in going through this! Hang in there *hugs*

[loveknowsnodistance27]

I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going so well. *hugs* Hang in there, we're all here for you!

[snow_girl]

I know this is late, but I really appreciate all the support. She is finally out of ICU and when I went to see her today she was looking much better and even walked to the visiting area. Thanks again everyone

[Sharon Q]

I hope your grandma gets better * Hugs * I understand the dream like state. It sucks. I had it after I left with my SO after the holidays. It sucks but it will get better. I hope all goes well. If you need to vent or anything you can inbox me.