Communication issues,what else can I do?

[Kiyama]

Hello everybody,

I think I could do with some advice. My SO and me are 9 time zones apart and we both work full time so communication during the week isn't exactly easy anyway. When we were still cd he was super attentive. He texted or emailed from work a lot and all that. We've been apart for over a month now and I feel like we've gone from 100% to like 5. At times he wouldn't check his email at all so he took ages to reply and talks on the phone were brief and superficial (I know it's not easy when you can only talk for a few minutes because I have to rush to work or he's at work when he calls but often I was left with the feeling that again he was the one ending the call and I was a thing he could check off on his to do list). Generally I got the impression I put a lot more effort in than him. I'd send him pictures of where I'd been and all that but didnt get much back.
I wrote him a letter and scanned it about all that and he promised to work on it and admitted he'd not been the best with communication and that he'd been a bit in a rut since we parted and asked me to be strong and not to give up because I think he's given up.
We also have a set of ground rules and one of it is a daily call (Of course sometimes it won't be possible, we are aware of that) He's been sick with a cold for the past two days and indicated he wouldn't be able to speak when he got up yesterday because he wanted to go back to sleep but at the same time he confirmed our date night for today. I went out last night and kind of hoped he'd call me when he woke up again but nothing happened. I wrote him that if he was too sick to call it would be doubtful he could make it today but this morning I got an email that he wouldn't miss it for the world. If he's not that sick, than what is his excuse for breaking the rule? And I also don't understand how he can't check if I'm up already by writing me on Skype if I'm there. Im already at the point where I don't dare to call him anymore because I'm afraid to disturb him and I've almost given up making an effort because he's not
I understand this might be his way of dealing with all this but it doesn't make it easier for me in certain situations and I don't know how I can find the strength to go on like this for another 1 1/2 years. I miss him so much sometimes it almost breaks my heart and he says the same but his actions speak another languages so I'm worried that it's only words
Am I completely overreacting? I don't want to spoil tonight and it's the first time in a week we've been able to talk for a few hours but I'm already in a bad mood because of how things went yesterday and all the things piling up in the last few weeks....

Thanks for any advice

[Haley53]

I do feel you're somewhat overreacting, yes. You say "If he's not that sick, than what is his excuse for breaking the rule?"; have you never been ill? I'm someone who hates staying in bed, but because of that, I'll often have a day where I do nothing but stay in bed beyond any obligations I have. Why? Because then I feel better to be up for some time the following day. It's possible he does feel extremely ill and extremely crappy, but a day's worth of rest can also do a world's worth of wonder, so I think it's very possible he's "that sick" and also still able to make the Skype date. There's also the fact that Skype is a lot different than the phone. I know if I felt crappy and my partner had a chance to Skype, I'd be more likely to stomach the crappy feeling than do it to do something we already do on a daily basis. So my advice would be to let this one go. Although I can see why this would be exacerbated based on how you've been feeling about everything else, I feel that you're making a mountain out of a molehill here, and you're driving yourself mad thinking that there's "some excuse" because obviously he's not "sick enough"; what's wrong with taking his word for that he couldn't call yesterday and leave it at that? He wasn't feeling well. He was sleeping it off. End of story. When this becomes a habit, then you can feel badly about it and bring it up.

When I read this, being honest, I get more the impression that you've wearied of the distance and are the one giving up. You're the one who's not satisfied. You're the one who's not happy with the situation because you're comparing it to an entirely different situation (being CD) that simply does not compare. :/ Being a long-distance couple is never going to be like being a close-distance couple, and I don't think you can compare who your boyfriend was during CD to who he is LD and decide he's no longer interested or no longer putting in the effort. I would guess it's also possible that you're both still feeling the distance and both still getting used to it. After all, you're both still working out what levels of contact you need. But to me, it doesn't come off as that he's not trying. He obviously wants to Skype, he obviously took your feelings into account and so is calling you daily, you e-mail and text when you can, etc. You're doing what you can. He's doing what he can while dealing with a full-time job and the distance, same as you're doing what you can. You say his actions say something different than his words but I personally don't see it, because to me, you sound like any other LD couple where both parties have full-time jobs. :/

I would honestly make a list of the things he does do, i.e. he's making your Skype date, he's working on calling you everyday, etc., and use that as a reminder that he's trying. It can be difficult adjusting to being long-distance but you have to realise that there has to be some give from your end. You can't expect it to be as easy as when you were close-distance and living in the same time zone, and you can't be so critical of his effort when you think it's dropped when really, it's more likely down to more difficult circumstances. I honestly think that you need to lighten up and realise you're not the only one having a difficult time. You're both trying to balance jobs, alone time, time with friends (I'm assuming), and couple time, and in two timezones, it's difficult, and, unfortunately, neither partner can be as demanding as they might have been when things were a bit easier.

[Kiyama]

Sorry for the late reply. I didn't have time till now.
I appreciate your long answer. It was good to get advice from someone who is in a similar situation and it also made me realize that you (and friends I spoke to) were right that I was overreacting. And also, that I am still adjusting to the new situation.
I don't really know anything else to say than thank you for opening my eyes. I hope I remember the next time I get upset because of something little