Nothing is going to plan :(

[Xanahtas]

Well, my SO was supposed to be moving here in June this year... Not happening now. My parents are making it very difficult for us =/ They are not allowing me to work over in Canada or even study there. We're not LD for another year and a bit... with possibly no visits. I'm in pieces I was ok because i could see an end but now its completely unknown and we might not see eachother now until June next year, the month we get married! My parents we're so helpful to start out, and they helped us out, now because there are no more visits they are making it so hard. Its like they're diffferent people They've been slagging my SO off to me and everything.
I dont know what to do... Im trying to stay strong but i just want to see Sud
We said it would be best for him to stay there and get a job because its impossible over here, ive been looking for a job for AGES now with no luck.
I know some people on here dont see eachother for a long time, but im just not used to it >.< Im stressed with college, i have my parents on my back all the time. and he just always knows how to make me feel better...
They think he is trying to make me move there and manipulating me, but he isnt, everything i have decided has been by my self. No one has talked me into anything. Im not the kinda girl to be told what to do, and if someone does, i do the opposite. They just dont see that...

Sorry for the rant, had to get that out...
Anyone got any advice on how to cope for this next 18months or so? Any idea how to get the parents back on our side?
Thanks guys

[squirrelz15]

I can't say I really have any advice, but I'm sorry that things are difficult right now, and I hope they get better for you.

[thatgirllit]

It sounds like your parents did not take your relationship (and your committment to your partner) seriously when you first started seeing him and they were placating you. Now that they see you are taking serious steps towards joining your partner they are afraid.

How old are you? Are you planning to attend university in the U.K. or Canada? If you plan to attend university in Canada how will you pay for it? You mentioned that you and your partner are planning to get married...are you parents at all aware of these plans?

I think the best move would be to sit down with your parents and have a serious discussion about your relationship and your future. Set the meeting up. Be prepared. Be organized. Don't get angry. Don't allow them to paint you as "irrational." Be an adult and have a calm and serious discussion.

You should also take a step back and think about everything they have said. You are very young and have your entire life in front of you. Make sure you are ultimately doing what is best for YOU! *hugs*

[Xanahtas]

I'm 16, soon to be 17. I am in college atm studying for a Diploma and im finished in June 22nd 2012. My parents know we are getting married.

I have tried sitting and talking to them, they just dont wanna hear it. They think he is trying to control me and that is not at all true - i am not a push over as anyone who knows me well could tell you. He truly cares about me and only wants whats best for me and what would make me happy=/ . I am very mature for my age, as everyone says. My friends know this, Sud knows this. My parents know this but choose to think im being childish about it. I have sat and though this through a very long time. I know exactly what i am doing and getting myself in to. I will maybe try again and talk to them about it some more, see if i can talk them round. I just wish they would understand.

The reason ive decided to get Sud to stay there is so we can save up more, and for me that was a hard thing to decide I wouldnt do that if i was just doing it for my heart and would do crazy things to be with him. I think it over and see what would be for the best. They still dont understand that

Thanks for the advice thatgirllit

[ushiwakafox]

I'm sorry you're going through all that. I know it's hard to, but just hang in there. I would say when you turn 18 and have a degree, consider moving out? Once you're a legal adult they really can't do anything to control you. I'm not saying rebel against them, I'm just saying it might be easier to handle once you don't have them hounding you all the time.

[Xanahtas]

I'm moving out once im 18 anyway, i'll be married by then. Me and my SO are heading back to Canada and getting me a visa.
We're trying to find a fix until we can do so though. My parents dont even want me visiting atm, im trying my best to explain it to them and get them to understand... its just so hard at the moment...

[CynicalQuixotic]

I agree with thatgirllit completely. It sounds as if your parents didn't take your plans to get married seriously, are now realizing that both of you truly intend on getting married, and are panicking. You two are both very young and marriage is a legally binding commitment that is quite hard (and expensive) to get out of once in. Quite honestly, if I were your mom, I'd be afraid too.

The job market is really not that great in any country right now. Have you thought about applying to university in Canada, or Sud attending uni in England? You two would be able to be together for years while furthering your education and investing in your future. I've held my tongue because you weren't previously asking for advice, but, you're 16 years old. I don't doubt that you love your SO, but, is now really the right time to get married? Don't you think it might be infinitely wiser to wait at least until you've finished uni and have much better job prospects/have lived on your own/even just lived life a little more? You two have the rest of your lives to be together, and I honestly worry that if you marry so soon and so young, your relationship will crack under the pressure, and I'd hate to see that happen needlessly to two people who are obviously in love.

[Xanahtas]

I have no need and never planned to go to Uni, my diploma is at a high level already and the only reason id need to go higher would be to be in the medical field or be a teacher - neither of them i wish to do. Sud also is in the same situation so neither of us need to consider any more education.
We wont be marrying until im 18 next year, so we still have a good 18 months to reconsider, but i know this is what is best for us and what we both want. I know exactly what this means, what im getting myself into, the risks and what would happen if it all feel apart. But i am confident i am doing the right thing.
We've had a lot of pressure in our relationship off of family, 'friends', and we've had to go through a lot. I appreciate that everyone has their views on young marriage (and none of this is meant in a moody tone, at all ) but i know this is what is right for us
I have some very good job prospects and so does my SO. I did consider doing another course in Canada but we just cant afford it yet, but i am planning to do so once i am 18 and will move to Canada to do so. Parents would need to sign something to say i can study there at 17 but they arent willing to do that. That was an option though.
For now, me and Sud have decided to stay LD for a while longer until next June (when we marry) and then use the money we are saving to get a place and sort out visa's. Its not ideal, and i hated having to decide that, but in the end its best for us in the long run. Feel so bad about it though =/

[floridaellen]

I agree that your parents probably did not take you seriously and are now panicking.

Your best option is the one you chose, just continuing as an LDR. Once you're 18, you'll be able to make your own decisions and get married if you wish.

I'm not knocking young marriages. My parents got married at 21/22, my grandparents at 18, my friend at 19, and one of my best friends is getting married at 18. But what is the harm in waiting a few more years to make your parents happy? I haven't been following your story carefully so I don't know the specifics sorry :/

[goalie_girl34]

I agree that your parents probably did not take you seriously and are now panicking.

Your best option is the one you chose, just continuing as an LDR. Once you're 18, you'll be able to make your own decisions and get married if you wish.

I'm not knocking young marriages. My parents got married at 21/22, my grandparents at 18, my friend at 19, and one of my best friends is getting married at 18. But what is the harm in waiting a few more years to make your parents happy? I haven't been following your story carefully so I don't know the specifics sorry :/

I totally agree with this. I think your parents are probably terrified at the thought of you getting married so young. Sit down and have a very honest talk with them, and ask them what their fears are about your relationship and what it is they still expect of you. You're still a minor and whether you like it or not your parents have a lot of say over what you do right now. I know there is no way my parents would have let me move to another country and get married at 16. I dont doubt that you love your SO and that you've thought everything through but 16 is so young to be married. If you guys know you love each other you'll still be around in another year or two and your parents may be less resistant.

[Hololz]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation It must be very frustrating!! But please dont feel the need to rush anything!! You are still 16, whilst I understand that getting married may make it easier for you to move between countries, I dont see why it is the be all and end all, many people live together for a significant amount of time before the subject of marriage is even brought up. I'm not saying that this will be true of your situation, but during your teenage years you mature and change alot, what feels like the right decision at that moment may not necessarily be the best thing for your future. Please remember that your parents only want whats best for you and do have a significantly greater amount of life experience. I think the best thing to do would be to sit down with them and have a mature discussion about it. Make it clear that you have a solid plan and a plan B should things go differently to how you expect. For example, find colleges and courses you want to attend whilst there, and discuss them with your parents, or perhaps explore job prospects, email potentail companies you wish to work for asking them about the prospect of you working there. This may help to put your parents minds at ease. They may be scared about loosing you, for example, you need to explain that you dont intend on running away and just getting married, then never coming back, with no plan B should things turn sour (nothing in life is certain). (The first thing my father said when he found out I would be living in america for a year was "Oh dear, please dont get married to an american boy and never return!" - My father was married and divorced by the time he was 21).

I will add, that I think you need to do some research into the marriage laws in the UK. My friend, who is 20, just got married to her south african partner. However, current law in the UK states that a person under 21 cannot marry someone who is international (a law I did not know about until they got married). They got around this by getting a civil partnership in south africa, then having the offical ceremony in the UK. I do, however, believe the law is changing, and the age may be lowered, but its something you need to look into.

[lucybelle]

Of course your parents are scared for you. Hell I'M scared for you and I don't even know you. I've celebrated with you on your engagement and have seen your beautiful dress, but I must say I've never thought it was a good idea. You're going to do what your heart leads you to, but I'll say my piece anyways.

"I act mature for my age" is a BS statement. That's like saying "I'm at an age where everyone acts like a butt hole. And all those butt hole friends of mine tell me I don't act quite as much like a butt hole as they do." It doesn't matter if you're "mature for your age", what matters is if you're mature! The reason your parents and I and some of the other people on this board are afraid for you, is they all have been 16. They all have been 18. And they know that these ages are not ages where you want to make decisions like this.

To put it plainly, I don't think you should get married yet. I don't think waiting until you're 18 is a good idea. I think when you're 18 you should close the distance. Then spend a few years getting your life together. Then, only when you're settled and ready, should you get married.

---------- Post added at 03:31 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:30 PM ----------

Of course your parents are scared for you. Hell I'M scared for you and I don't even know you. I've celebrated with you on your engagement and have seen your beautiful dress, but I must say I've never thought it was a good idea. You're going to do what your heart leads you to, but I'll say my piece anyways.

"I act mature for my age" is a BS statement. That's like saying "I'm at an age where everyone acts like a butt hole. And all those butt hole friends of mine tell me I don't act quite as much like a butt hole as they do." It doesn't matter if you're "mature for your age", what matters is if you're mature! The reason your parents and I and some of the other people on this board are afraid for you, is they all have been 16. They all have been 18. And they know that these ages are not ages where you want to make decisions like this.

To put it plainly, I don't think you should get married yet. I don't think waiting until you're 18 is a good idea. I think when you're 18 you should close the distance. Then spend a few years getting your life together. Then, only when you're settled and ready, should you get married.

[goalie_girl34]

I agree. I was mature for my age at 16, but there is NO WAY I would say I was ready for marriage. I wasnt ready at 18 either, hell, I'll be 21 in March and I'm still not ready for marriage. Your parents are being logical and doing what parents do, worry, and I dont blame them. You're very young, too young for marriage. And you should really try and understand it from their point of view, because if you were really mature you would already understand this. If I were your parent I'd be saying the same things, they're worried that you're moving too fast during a time in most people's lives in which what they want changes everyday.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Of course your parents are scared for you. Hell I'M scared for you and I don't even know you. I've celebrated with you on your engagement and have seen your beautiful dress, but I must say I've never thought it was a good idea. You're going to do what your heart leads you to, but I'll say my piece anyways.

"I act mature for my age" is a BS statement. That's like saying "I'm at an age where everyone acts like a butt hole. And all those butt hole friends of mine tell me I don't act quite as much like a butt hole as they do." It doesn't matter if you're "mature for your age", what matters is if you're mature! The reason your parents and I and some of the other people on this board are afraid for you, is they all have been 16. They all have been 18. And they know that these ages are not ages where you want to make decisions like this.

To put it plainly, I don't think you should get married yet. I don't think waiting until you're 18 is a good idea. I think when you're 18 you should close the distance. Then spend a few years getting your life together. Then, only when you're settled and ready, should you get married.

Just re-iterating this because I couldn't agree more. Please, Xanahatas, listen to what older and wiser members are telling you.

[Xanahtas]

Ive sat down and spoken to my parents and managed to come to agreements. They have said i can go visit with a few conditions to go with it. Which we have agreed.
Mum has said sorry for making it seem like she was against everything and said sorry for the things she has said but she has been stressed about a few things related to the business she runs, and i have stopped persuing the idea of a visa for me. We're going to save up in our own countries for the wedding and towards the future.

@Hololz - Yeah we have spoken to the vicar about it and he has made sure this is sorted for us, it shouldnt be a problem but we have a plan if this didnt go quite to plan. I didnt actually know about it either until he mentioned it to me! We're not rushing this at all, we've thought it through and through. And yes, my parents have said they will help me look for jobs here whilst Sud is away Got a few ideas in mind. We have spoken about it and cleared the air a little between us.

@Floridaellen - my grandparents married very young too, and they're in the 70's now, and Sud's best friend is the same age as him and getting married now. Mum has said she does support my marriage and she knows we're doing the right thing for us. She is just looking out for us.

@Lucybelle - I do act mature, and i am a mature person. My parents have said that, my work friends at placement (all in their 40's/50's) have said the same to me. My friends all think this too, ive always been brought up that way, my mum was always the same at my age. So it isnt a BS statement at all, im just passing on what people have told me. I know getting married young doesnt seem like a good idea, but i have support from many people.

I know people will have different views on all of this wedding stuff, but as people have said, do whats best for me. I know this is.

Me and my parents have just had a disagreement and it all got OTT. They are still not letting me get the visa, as i said, but i am not persuing it. We have agreed this is what is best for us now and we will take it as it comes. I've told mum and dad that i wouldn't run off to Canada and never return, i want to keep them on my side and on good terms because they are family and family is very important to me.

@goalie_girl34 - I do see their point, i can understand that they want what is best for me and i know if my child (i dont have a kid yet btw XD) turned round with all this one day and said it, i would be worried sick about them and be scared of them getting hurt. But i would support them and be there for them even if things go badly, just as my parents are for me after a bit of an misunderstanding.

Thanks for the advice everyone, its helped me out a lot