Need some advice.. please?

[rcknmommy]

So I have been talking to this guy.. and he has been hurt A LOT in the past. Therefor, he doesn't believe that I will be any different. He thinks I'm going to just up and leave him, hurt him in some way. I am crazy about him and can't imagine hurting him.. or leaving him ever for that matter. He often gets into these depressed moods where he hates everything, and almost everyone (he says other than me). He doesn't have faith in anything and doesn't believe anything I say because of how he's been treated in the past. He just says "I've heard that before and they hurt me too." I know this isn't going to be easy with him, but is there anything I can do? Anything I can say to make him see I'm in this for the long run?

[Zephii]

I'd start with "stop punishing me for crimes I didn't commit!"
But other than that, there's not a lot you can do other than wait for the day in the far off future when he figures it out

[Zapookie]

That kind of stuff is very unfair for you. He's placing you under the same umbrella as all the other girls he's ever been duped by. It's really not healthy for you guys because he's sabotaging any potential that you two might have.

I honestly think these kinds of unresolved issues come from within oneself. He is very insecure. Is he seeing a counsellor or therapist? They can really help him to pinpoint the underlying issue.

Other than that, I don't really have much more advice except to continue to support him and try to help him build up his confidence. It's something beyond the scope of anyone and needs to be taken to a professional.

[Leigh]

You can tell him your not that person and your not going to do the things he thinks will hurt him.

[rcknmommy]

You can tell him your not that person and your not going to do the things he thinks will hurt him.

I tell him this every single day. He just says he's heard that before. I even remind him that he's tried pushing me away, tried getting me to leave and I still haven't and never will and he just says "give it some time and you will". It is unfair to me but, I know he's just scared of getting hurt again.

[Haley53]

The thing is that something being unfair, having a reason like that does not make it okay. I have some pretty significant abandonment issues as well, and they can often lead to feeling such an intense hurt and anger that it almost contorts and becomes a sort of hatred. At one point recently, based on something he did, I did feel like I "hated" him. I was terrified, filled with anxiety and fear, in addition to the hurt and I was so desperately miserable to the point I felt like saying I hated him was the only thing that summed it up for me. Of course, I did not come to him with this and never would, but that is what I mean. Saying "I hate you" seems like such a horrid thing, throwing the tantrums I have done and will sometimes still do when I feel abandoned may seem like such a horrid thing, but I do have my reasons. There are very real reasons for why I react the way I do, and it's made even more frustrating by the fact I have been told by therapists that they aren't sure how to work on/with them, but that doesn't mean it's fair for me to go to my partner with it every time I'm feeling it. It's not a fair thing for him to have to put up with. Yes, I have my reasons, reasons that would probably pull on the heartstrings of very many people, but so what? That doesn't mean it's okay for me to tell my partner I hate him, to scream at him/throw a tantrum on him, and it doesn't mean it's okay for me to consistently pester him for reassurances (which is what your SO is doing) or to continuously lump him in with people like my father. It also doesn't mean it's okay for him to feed in to my every whim and desire.

You need to stop with the reassuring, because you're rewarding his behaviour. I understand that it might sound cruel, because who doesn't want to reassure their partner? But if he is arguing you that strongly on that regular of a basis, he's milking you for every drop of reassurance you'll be willing to give, and that shows there's an issue in him, not in you or not one that you can fix. Why? Because the only reason you milk someone for reassurances is because you're looking for that one thing or to hit that one threshold that will quell the voice of insecurity inside of you. This insecurity is, unfortunately, bigger than you both, and I would recommend counselling to him if he's not already. One thing you could also consider is asking him what he needs from you. Be direct with him. Say, "No matter what I say, all you do is argue with me and tell me I'm like everybody else. So what is it you're wanting me to say?" and if he answers with "nothing" or something of the sort, then tell him you'd appreciate if he not bring it up to you any longer and that he'd stop comparing you to the other women. I'd tell him you have no issue with reassuring him but the fact that he is constantly comparing you to women in the past and saying you'll be exactly like them is wearing, and you really need him to stop. If he's not getting it, I would honestly go so far as to say "the only reason I would ever be pushed away is if you continuously hold me at an arm's length because of someone else's mistakes. It is YOUR decision at this point to decide whether or not to stop pushing and let me stay, because I can't stay if you're going to keep trying to kick me out of your life." There's nothing wrong with being firm with it. And yes, he's going to test it. I think we all do when there's a new boundary set in place that we don't particularly like, or those of us with an insecurity that's greater than our relationship; we find ways to test if the person means what they say and we try and see if we can find loopholes for receiving our reassurances. When we can't, it's frustrating, but I can say that I've never left and I think having boundaries and not having to rely on reassurance have only ever helped me; it's never been as detrimental as someone who gives in to my every whim when I'm craving their reassurance.

Basically, it sounds harsh, but really, what you'd be doing is setting up a boundary. One, reassurance is fine but in moderation. Two, he needs to stop comparing you with other women if he expects this relationship to ever work. If he doesn't, it won't, not even because you'll tire of being treated so unfairly - which you may or may not - but because for as long as he's holding the hurts and wrongs of these other women, he does not have a place for you in his romantic life. For as long as he's holding onto his baggage, there will be no room for you two to advance and grow as a couple; you will grow and he will be left behind because he's choosing to hang on as opposed to let go and look and move forward. I think you need to make him aware of this, or at least tell him to stop comparing you to other women unless what he wants is that this relationship fails. It's not fair. You deserve to be able to tell him to stop with it. The boundary may end up making him feel more secure or it may make him insecure for a while and in my opinion, he should be seeing someone for this, but if it's anywhere to start, my guess would be with setting a boundary. Because frankly, if you continue giving in to him as you have done and are doing, well, that's like giving a child candy in exchange to get them to stop screaming and tantruming in the store. You simply don't do it because even if it seems like a "quick fix," it's detrimental in the long run and only encourages their negative behaviour. He is never going to stop this behaviour for as long as you are nursing his wounds for him. In some strange way, this game that he's playing has become a way to win over your reassurances and provide him with instant gratification, and that is why they need to stop and be given not every time he whines for them but when you feel like giving them. Else he's never going to have the motivation to cut it out.

[rcknmommy]

The thing is that something being unfair, having a reason like that does not make it okay. I have some pretty significant abandonment issues as well, and they can often lead to feeling such an intense hurt and anger that it almost contorts and becomes a sort of hatred. At one point recently, based on something he did, I did feel like I "hated" him. I was terrified, filled with anxiety and fear, in addition to the hurt and I was so desperately miserable to the point I felt like saying I hated him was the only thing that summed it up for me. Of course, I did not come to him with this and never would, but that is what I mean. Saying "I hate you" seems like such a horrid thing, throwing the tantrums I have done and will sometimes still do when I feel abandoned may seem like such a horrid thing, but I do have my reasons. There are very real reasons for why I react the way I do, and it's made even more frustrating by the fact I have been told by therapists that they aren't sure how to work on/with them, but that doesn't mean it's fair for me to go to my partner with it every time I'm feeling it. It's not a fair thing for him to have to put up with. Yes, I have my reasons, reasons that would probably pull on the heartstrings of very many people, but so what? That doesn't mean it's okay for me to tell my partner I hate him, to scream at him/throw a tantrum on him, and it doesn't mean it's okay for me to consistently pester him for reassurances (which is what your SO is doing) or to continuously lump him in with people like my father. It also doesn't mean it's okay for him to feed in to my every whim and desire.

You need to stop with the reassuring, because you're rewarding his behaviour. I understand that it might sound cruel, because who doesn't want to reassure their partner? But if he is arguing you that strongly on that regular of a basis, he's milking you for every drop of reassurance you'll be willing to give, and that shows there's an issue in him, not in you or not one that you can fix. Why? Because the only reason you milk someone for reassurances is because you're looking for that one thing or to hit that one threshold that will quell the voice of insecurity inside of you. This insecurity is, unfortunately, bigger than you both, and I would recommend counselling to him if he's not already. One thing you could also consider is asking him what he needs from you. Be direct with him. Say, "No matter what I say, all you do is argue with me and tell me I'm like everybody else. So what is it you're wanting me to say?" and if he answers with "nothing" or something of the sort, then tell him you'd appreciate if he not bring it up to you any longer and that he'd stop comparing you to the other women. I'd tell him you have no issue with reassuring him but the fact that he is constantly comparing you to women in the past and saying you'll be exactly like them is wearing, and you really need him to stop. If he's not getting it, I would honestly go so far as to say "the only reason I would ever be pushed away is if you continuously hold me at an arm's length because of someone else's mistakes. It is YOUR decision at this point to decide whether or not to stop pushing and let me stay, because I can't stay if you're going to keep trying to kick me out of your life." There's nothing wrong with being firm with it. And yes, he's going to test it. I think we all do when there's a new boundary set in place that we don't particularly like, or those of us with an insecurity that's greater than our relationship; we find ways to test if the person means what they say and we try and see if we can find loopholes for receiving our reassurances. When we can't, it's frustrating, but I can say that I've never left and I think having boundaries and not having to rely on reassurance have only ever helped me; it's never been as detrimental as someone who gives in to my every whim when I'm craving their reassurance.

Basically, it sounds harsh, but really, what you'd be doing is setting up a boundary. One, reassurance is fine but in moderation. Two, he needs to stop comparing you with other women if he expects this relationship to ever work. If he doesn't, it won't, not even because you'll tire of being treated so unfairly - which you may or may not - but because for as long as he's holding the hurts and wrongs of these other women, he does not have a place for you in his romantic life. For as long as he's holding onto his baggage, there will be no room for you two to advance and grow as a couple; you will grow and he will be left behind because he's choosing to hang on as opposed to let go and look and move forward. I think you need to make him aware of this, or at least tell him to stop comparing you to other women unless what he wants is that this relationship fails. It's not fair. You deserve to be able to tell him to stop with it. The boundary may end up making him feel more secure or it may make him insecure for a while and in my opinion, he should be seeing someone for this, but if it's anywhere to start, my guess would be with setting a boundary. Because frankly, if you continue giving in to him as you have done and are doing, well, that's like giving a child candy in exchange to get them to stop screaming and tantruming in the store. You simply don't do it because even if it seems like a "quick fix," it's detrimental in the long run and only encourages their negative behaviour. He is never going to stop this behaviour for as long as you are nursing his wounds for him. In some strange way, this game that he's playing has become a way to win over your reassurances and provide him with instant gratification, and that is why they need to stop and be given not every time he whines for them but when you feel like giving them. Else he's never going to have the motivation to cut it out.

I will do my best to try this. As you said, it's hard not to reassure them. I think he also just needs some time to see that I'm not going anywhere. Atleast I hope that would help.

[Alemap]

Eclaire's advice is fabulous, and I have nothing to add.
Good luck! :-)

[krabuzh]

If you have said everything and every words to convince him that you are not the same like other but he still didn't believe it, then the other choice is by showing it through your action.

By time passes by, it will tells that you are indeed different and that your feeling is real and you care and will never hurt/leave him.

Actions have a greater impact than words (in my opinion).
So, good luck with it!

[Lovely]

Eclaire's advice is fabulous, and I have nothing to add.
Good luck! :-)

Exactly Best of luck to you two

[rcknmommy]

Thank you to everyone

[Bethypoo]

I'd start with "stop punishing me for crimes I didn't commit!"
But other than that, there's not a lot you can do other than wait for the day in the far off future when he figures it out

pretty much this ^^

There is nothing that will tear apart a relationship faster when there is no trust. And if he has trust issues with you before you are even together, then maybe you need to take a step back and let him figure it out before you get in trouble for something you didn't do.