PTSD and a Relationship, Our Biggest Fight Yet

[loveknowsnodistance27]

Sending positive thoughts your way! *hugs*

[roosie]

I have PTSD too because I was sexually abused as a child. We have come a long way but it has been extremely hard. My SO has never really reacted quite that strongly but he has definitely got frustrated at times. He is really patient but even he has limits. When he gets frustrated at me, I often feel it has been building up for a long time but he hasn't brought it up because he doesn't want to hurt me. I know he thinks that I've been hurt so much in my past that he doesn't want add the pain but sometimes things just escalate too much if they are kept hidden so nowadays I always ask him to tell me straight away if something is bothering him. Maybe your SO had been feeling stressed for awhile and somehow he just met his limits? I'm not trying to justify his reaction at all though, because I know I would feel just as bad if my SO would have done that to me. It hurts on so deep level when you are rejected in a moment when you need someone the most.

I think you are doing the right thing now by taking some time for yourself. Concentrate on yourself and try to take your mind of it as much as you can so that you can heal. Maybe after that you can talk about it but now when you are still that hurt that it would easily end up with you getting even more hurt. Feeling resentment towards someone you love is really hard. I wish I could help you more.. I wish you all the best.

[SquishyLove]

I hope for the best for your situation, Sierra! On that note, I will say I had an ex who did similar things to me, who would scream at me and reduce me to tears as well, and continue berating and screaming at me (I even asked him once if he felt like a big man when he did that, sheesh) knowing and seeing how much it was hurting me and just keep doing it anyway, despite seeing my tears. I feel like someone with compassion would see what they're doing, see the person's feeling are hurt, and stop. But not my ex. It's like he wasn't satisfied until he'd completely decimated me. Like during his outbursts, my feelings were fake and he just had to tear me apart. Then later, tell me sorry and that he'd never do it again. Then later he'd have a bunch of built-up anger toward me and do it again. It pains me to see yet another person going through something like this. I honestly hope he can learn from this and never repeat it again! You didn't deserve it, and he needs to be told this. Boundaries need to be set on your part, that you will not tolerate being abused or mistreated. Whether or not you stay with him is up to you, but my only advice is if you give any sort of ultimatums, be prepared to actually follow through with them. I gave them to my ex and didn't, so he learned with time that while I was saying I wouldn't put up with being treated in a bad way, I always forgave him later and let him have another "last chance." Good luck and I hope for the best for you!

[LilyChiba]

I feel like this a lot, especially over the last week and a half. My dad died on the 8/9th 6 years ago and was buried on the 13th. Friday 13th. So my weeks have been pretty sensitive. Especially since I was born on a Fri 13th. I don't have PTSD, but I do have problems with anxiety. I was miserable all of yesterday, SO saw it on cam, noted it and did nothing to fix it. On top of that, he's spent all this time in the last 2 weeks talking to everyone else more than me. It all got too much until I exploded on myself yesterday, woke up at 3:30am and couldn't get back to sleep. I was on/off online all day. I ended up having to write everything I felt down, in a book, not to anyone of course. It felt like the weight was lifted off my shoulders. All the worries I've had since we started dating and all the stress that came with it, plus with my life here all written down. I think it truly helps to be honest.

[Sierra]

Well yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about this and my boyfriend and I had a discussion about taking a break after he got off work, and basically we decided not to. We discussed all the ups and downs of our relationship and my PTSD. He basically begged for us to not go on a break, told me he felt like it was me escaping the problem and he'd rather we talked it out so he can learn how to deal with my PTSD. I agreed. I ended up writing him a long email, basically explaining my PTSD, and given the shear volume of PMs and people here who mention having it, I want to share the email. After he read the email he said it made a world of a difference and we came up with a coping strategy of our own for fights or when I'm panicking. I took the ideas, symptoms and what not from various websites.

I want to say, I don't expect sympathy for what I've been through, it's just the cards life gave me.

I decided to explain my PTSD to you because that's what matters the most I guess instead of reading about combat veterans. For me, my PTSD came from years of prolonged sexual, physical, mental and emotional abuse from my father. It lasted from as long as I can remember until I was 22. The emotional and mental abuse still persists, but I live in such fear of this man that I feel the need to stay in contact with him to stay on step ahead and protect myself.

I don't remember when it started, but I remember when I started changing. When I was in grade school he would show up at my school screaming my name, my teachers would push me outside to deal with a man that they couldn't deal with. He humiliated me on purpose all the time. He would molest me, privately and publicly, and nobody ever helped me. When I got a bit older, about 6th or 7th grade, it became more than molesting.

I didn't know what to do or where to turn, I wanted a father figure and we DID have great times together with I refuse to discredit but it was all a part of his manipulation. When I was in 8th grade, I started refusing to visit him almost immediately after the court ordered that I have overnight visits with my father. I lived in terror for that whole time, he would do horrible things to me and my now step mother would do nothing to stop it. I had a friend who lived around the corner from my father and I would spend almost the entire time with her until I had to go back to my dad's house.

One time he raped me so badly I had to get out of there, so I called my other friend who lived close by, Amanda. My dad brought me there and dropped me off, and Amanda and I went on with our lives playing ... we decided to go for a bike ride and I borrowed her mother's bike and about 10 minutes into it I got this HORRIBLE cramping and all of the sudden I was saturated in blood down to my knees. Amanda and her mother helped me, they washed my jeans and told me that something was wrong and I had to go home, but who did I get sent home to? My father.

I was terrified he would kill me and I still am, I'm terrified he'll kill my mother, or anyone who associates themselves with me. He thinks of me like a possession.

When I was in high school it started to get bad. I got depressed and withdrawn, I couldn't sleep at anyone's house anymore because I was too afraid, so my friends could only sleep at my house. My mother supported me not seeing my father but eventually the court decided that I wasn't allowed to say no, if I was sick, he could take care of me, if I had homework, I could do it there, and if I wanted to go hang out with friends, he could take me. There wasn't anything anyone could do. I endured it for another year.

When I was 17, I started refusing his phone calls, refusing all visits, and then I was summoned by the Special Master who is a court appointed person who has more power than a judge when it comes to court rulings. She asked me why I was refusing to visit, I told her my father was molesting me, and she told me he wasn't, and I had to go on the visits anyway or she'd send a cop car after me. I ran out of there straight home, told my mom I didn't want to see my father anymore and nobody could make me and my mom said she would make sure I didn't. Luckily, I was 17, and when you're 17 you're allowed to make your own decisions when it comes to parental custody and the Special Masters order was not enforced.

I wasn't talking to my father at this point, and things were ok, my insomnia started to get really bad, as did my migraines, nightmares, depression and anxiety. One day, I went out to my car to drive to school and I found a note on my car from my step mother. I didn't open it, but put it on the passenger seat and drove to the Walgreen's parking lot where I picked up my friend who took the train to school and drove us up to campus. While I was waiting I read the letter, she told me my father didn't understand why I was so upset and he had had a massive stroke.

I was overcome with guilt, at this point I knew and understand that my father was a sociopath and what that meant but I didn't know what to do. I tried to hold it together at school but had a full blown panic attack before first period even started and drove home from school to tell my mom. I didn't go back to school that day but my friends came home from school to bake cookies with me and spend their day with me.

My father and I didn't talk again until my second year in college when I found out he was marrying my step mother. He wanted me to go to the wedding and I was so depressed and desperate to get out of Boston that I decided to go. Horrible things happened there. At that point, I felt powerless, like it was never going to stop, here I was an adult and still I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to tell anyone because my father is a master manipulator and knew that nobody would believe me anyway. I went to go see him a few times after that in Southern California, and his last act of physical abuse was pushing me off a boat when I was scrubbing down the inside. After that, he put me again in fear of my life when we went fishing on the boat and told me we were out of gas.

After that, I never went down there to see him again and there I was in full blown PTSD land.

There are large parts of my childhood and the abuse that I went through that I can talk about with ease because it's like a movie to me. It didn't happen to THIS (insert my name here), it happened to THAT other (insert my name here) who just happens to share my body. I can remember literally feeling like I was floating when I was being abused and not feel a thing. This is called dissociation, and I still do it a lot when I'm in a stressful situation.

Here are some early onset symptoms of PTSD, I have bolded the ones that effected me and the ones in red are the things I still deal with.

1. "Reliving" the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again

Repeated upsetting memories of the event

Repeated nightmares of the event

Strong, uncomfortable reactions to situations that remind you of the event

2. Avoidance

Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don't care about anything

Feeling detached

Being unable to remember important aspects of the trauma

Having a lack of interest in normal activities

Showing less of your moods

Avoiding places, people, or thoughts that remind you of the event

Feeling like you have no future

3. Arousal

Difficulty concentrating - this happens now when I'm having a panic attack and I can't hear anything like last night

Startling easily

Having an exaggerated response to things that startle you

Feeling more aware (hypervigilance)

Feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger

Having trouble falling or staying asleep

You might feel guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt"). You might also have some of the following symptoms, which are typical of anxiety, stress, and tension:

Agitation or excitability

Dizziness

Fainting

Feeling your heart beat in your chest

Headache

This has to be broken up into two posts, it's too long

[Sierra]

It's not like this for me all the time, and I think you know that, other than a few things, such as the hypervigiliance, insomnia, getting scared easily.



I got this information for you from the VA website, it mostly is talking about combat developed PTSD so some of these things can be ignored. I've bolded things that I think can be helpful for our relationship and you helping me cope. (Here's the link to the website, it's really pretty good https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/index.asp)




Here are ways you can help:

Learn as much as you can about PTSD. Knowing how PTSD affects people may help you understand what your family member is going through. The more you know, the better you and your family can handle PTSD.
Offer to go to doctor visits with your family member. You can help keep track of medicine and therapy, and you can be there for support.
Tell your loved one you want to listen and that you also understand if he or she doesn't feel like talking.
Plan family activities together, like having dinner or going to a movie.
Take a walk, go for a bike ride, or do some other physical activity together. Exercise is important for health and helps clear your mind.
Encourage contact with family and close friends. A support system will help your family member get through difficult changes and stressful times.
Your family member may not want your help. If this happens, keep in mind that withdrawal can be a symptom of PTSD. A person who withdraws may not feel like talking, taking part in group activities, or being around other people. Give your loved one space, but tell him or her that you will always be ready to help.

How can I deal with anger or violent behavior?
Your family member may feel angry about many things. Anger is a normal reaction to trauma, but it can hurt relationships and make it hard to think clearly. Anger also can be frightening.

If anger leads to violent behavior or abuse, it's dangerous. Go to a safe place and call for help right away. Make sure children are in a safe place as well.

It's hard to talk to someone who is angry. One thing you can do is set up a time-out system. This helps you find a way to talk even while angry. Here's one way to do this.

Agree that either of you can call a time-out at any time.
Agree that when someone calls a time-out, the discussion must stop right then.
Decide on a signal you will use to call a time-out. The signal can be a word that you say or a hand signal.
Agree to tell each other where you will be and what you will be doing during the time-out. Tell each other what time you will come back. - I think that this is important in person. If I say I'm going to take a dog for a walk or something, I would recommend you say that you're coming with me, but we don't have to talk. That way I know you're there for me, and you can keep an eye on me. It would be a bad idea to let me drive anywhere because when I'm in the midst of PTSDing out, I can't see, here or think in a normal way.
While you are taking a time-out, don't focus on how angry you feel. Instead, think calmly about how you will talk things over and solve the problem.

After you come back
Take turns talking about solutions to the problem. Listen without interrupting.
Use statements starting with "I," such as "I think" or "I feel." Using "you" statements can sound accusing.
Be open to each other's ideas. Don't criticize each other.
Focus on things you both think will work. It's likely you will both have good ideas.
Together, agree which solutions you will use.


I hope that this email helps you understand me, my disorder and how to be there for me.

I realize the formatting of the email got messed up. I'm hoping that this will help other people who have the same disorder in their relationships when they have trouble. Of course, I don't know if it'll help mine, but I feel like it's steps in the right direction.

I want to thank everyone for your support, and concern. I'm exhausted today because I've been dealing with this for two days but I'm glad we worked it out. I'm really hoping that we can move forward with confidence from here.

[Sierra]

I also want to add, after he read my email he said he really had no idea what PTSD was like and he was SO sorry. When he said those things to me he was drunk (which I feel isn't an excuse and he doesn't either) and most importantly he said he felt that if he walked away from the argument, he was walking away from me and didn't know how to articulate to me that he was removing himself from the argument without making me think he was removing himself from the relationship.

He told me that this email gave him some tools he wouldn't have thought of, or he would have thought I would have blown up about, but knowing that I'm open and responsive to these things will help us navigate my bad days together. I know that he wants to be a good boyfriend to me, and I believe he can be or I wouldn't be going through this. Of course, only time will tell if he steps up to the plate next time.

I wouldn't have had the guts to articulate these things to him if it wasn't for the support of LFAD. Everyone telling me I'm not alone and that they struggle too really made me want to push through this and be a better girlfriend and help him be a better boyfriend to me.

I love you guys.

[Rach321]

Thank you for sharing Sierra. I know this information will be useful.

I'm so happy to hear that he heard you and is willing to work toward a better way of interacting with you.

[Sierra]

Part of me is really surprised we came out of this one (so far). I'm really used to my PTSD causing me to isolate myself which is why it was so easy for me to slip into ok, maybe a break is best mode and while it may really have been right for both of us, his willingness to fight for us and try to understand instead of basically giving me the time to let this go is probably the most healthy for the long run.

Mostly, I'm REALLY GLAD we came to an agreement on "how to fight". He said before he didn't know that it was ok to tell me to take a break because I was freaking out because he was worried it would make everything worse, but knowing that I'm willing to do that and responsive to it takes a load off him and not only will it help with my PTSD but it'll help us in general.

We both also resolved the recognize that I'm under a lot of stress right now, and that we need to cut down on our fighting as much as possible. While it's normal for people in a relationship to fight, our fighting right now on top of my stress level is causing my anxiety to rise which isn't healthy for me, him or our relationship.

I'm glad to know that he is willing to be there for me and that really this happened because of a true lack of understanding of the disability and what happens to me. I should have taken some time to explain before, but I guess the crazy part of me just thought he'd understand automatically (IDK how).

I feel more confident moving forward in our relationship now than I ever have before. I feel like we have good tools and that he WILL be there for me when I need him from now on which is a huge relief. I also feel great because I know he's willing to fight for me and our relationship. Well, and that he's willing to put up with my bit of crazy.

[lucybelle]

I feel more confident moving forward in our relationship now than I ever have before. I feel like we have good tools and that he WILL be there for me when I need him from now on which is a huge relief. I also feel great because I know he's willing to fight for me and our relationship. Well, and that he's willing to put up with my bit of crazy.

Seems like he's a real keeper. Glad you two were able to come to an understanding. I'm sure your story will help others. Thanks for sharing.

[squeeker]

Thank you for sharing that insight into how your PTSD affects you, and I'm glad you and your SO were able to come to a better understanding about it. I wish you all the luck in the world for your relationship, keep strong!

[Sierra]

Seems like he's a real keeper. Glad you two were able to come to an understanding. I'm sure your story will help others. Thanks for sharing.

I hope so, one of my things about surviving abuse has always been helping others. I want to share my story because I know for me it helps to hear that I'm not the only one and how others cope.

I'm kind of glad he didn't let me take the break, we're at a better place today than we probably have been for our whole relationship, which is great. I feel confident moving forward and I feel confident asking him for support.





Now I just have to remember to forgive, forget and move forward.

[SquishyLove]

I'm really glad to hear that he is willing to fight for you, is willing to try harder to understand PTSD and how to help you with it, and that you opened up to him more about what you went through and that you guys worked together to come up with ways to deal with it together. I have to say, my younger sister endured sexual abuse at the hands of her stepfather, and I always have a lot of sympathy for people who go through what you've gone through. I feel bad for you that you weren't able to get help when you needed it as a child, and that you were still forced to have a relationship with your abuser and that you weren't believed. I think telling your story can help others who are facing the same kind of abuse. I hope for the best for you and your boyfriend!

[Sierra]

I'm really glad to hear that he is willing to fight for you, is willing to try harder to understand PTSD and how to help you with it, and that you opened up to him more about what you went through and that you guys worked together to come up with ways to deal with it together. I have to say, my younger sister endured sexual abuse at the hands of her stepfather, and I always have a lot of sympathy for people who go through what you've gone through. I feel bad for you that you weren't able to get help when you needed it as a child, and that you were still forced to have a relationship with your abuser and that you weren't believed. I think telling your story can help others who are facing the same kind of abuse. I hope for the best for you and your boyfriend!

Thanks. To be honest, the adult part of me now looks at it as a blessing. When I was a teenager I met a wonderful younger girl who needed a math tutor and I was the high school senior for the job. In the end, we became really great friends and it turned out she was being really abused by her father. I learned to open up to her and it gave her the strength to open to me. I'm so thankful for that because it lets me relate to people in a way that not everyone can. I tried to help her, but because I couldn't even help myself, I failed. 4 years later her father killed his whole family and himself. I was devastated and REALLY blamed myself for years for not getting her help but I realized a few things. The first one, that if I had spoken out about, he may have just snapped sooner, and the second, it wasn't my fault.

I believe that abuse is something that is kept quiet and swept under the rug and it shouldn't be. I bet if all the abuse victims held hands we could wrap around this world a few times and wouldn't that send a great message? We aren't few and far between, we are an army.

I want to write a book once my father has passed away about the abuse that I went through, some of my friends went through, and of course the girl that I tutored and was friends with. I think it's an important story to be told and hopefully I can really point out how hard it is to get help. Abuse victims shouldn't feel like we have to be silent, there are so many it should be different.

For me, there was a failure of the authorities, the court system, pretty much everything and doesn't that speak volumes in itself? Abuse NEEDS to be talked about so we can recognize the problem and get people the help they need and deserve. It hurts me to hear about so many people who have been through the same thing, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but we're all so afraid to do anything, say anything, and mostly, I strongly feel it's because the system that we are taught as kids that is supposed to protect us, doesn't protect us.

I'm sorry I've gone off on a tangent. I'm glad we're coming up with ways to work on it together, it really does make me feel less alone with my disease if that makes any sense. It's comforting to know that someone out there doesn't want me to suffer, wants to stand beside me, hold me up when I'm falling down and help me through my dark days.

[floridaellen]

I'm glad that you've taken the past abuse not as an excuse to be miserable and angry at the world but rather an opportunity to teach the world.
I think the book sounds like an excellent idea.