First of all I want to apologize for my English, I hope it is good enough for you to understand me because I really need a group therapy because I feel that my patience has reach its end and I’m seriously considering dumping my boyfriend.
I just found this web because I was looking for some kind of answer to my dilemma and I have read some of your posts and relate with your problems and concerns so I can feel you can relate with mine too so you can give me a better advice than my friends (who said that I should break up with him and carry on with my live).
My story is this: In September 2007 I started dating my boyfriend. Although he was 27 years old (as me) he was still studying to obtain a vacancy as public servant. Most of the people need at least 5 years to pass this exam and he just started to study for it after finishing his degree. In order to be successful on his trying he needed to study at least 10 hours a day and he only had 1 day off a week so we didn’t really have time to do normal things that couples do, like stay late at night on a weekend or do a short trip to the countryside, it was a really difficult for me no having a normal relationship even having him there physically and after two years I stared feeling that our relationship was kind of stuck. Not being able to move on was driving me upset some times.
On March 2010 he stopped his attempts to access the public administration because the economic situation here obligated the Government to stop offering vacancies. So, he was 30 years old, no work experience and had to find a job in a very difficult economic situation context. I must say that inside of me I was glad because we were going to finally have a normal relationship and being able to make plans for the future and have time for ourselves. But instead of trying to find a job he asked for help and a contact gave him the possibility of working in Germany (he knows the language, I don’t) for an Spanish company as a scholarship for three months, after that they were supposed to have a talk to see the possibilities of hiring him here in Spain or there. I must say that point was never clear for me because he even have different versions... so he went away because he “needed to know if he can do it” and because he has “always wanted to work overseas” I wasn’t happy but 3 months weren’t too much...
Well, those three months became 6, and then 9 and the company still hasn’t had that talk with him. I have been there twice (3 week in August and 1 week in December) and he has come here once (4 days in October). Our time together was everything but perfect, when I was there I was alone most of the time because he worked many hours and at the weekends he was too tired. On December I spent my birthday in Germany with him but he didn’t plan anything to do or brought any gift. And when he came here I had to share him with his friends... like i said, not perfect.
About communications I must say he is the communicative person in the couple. At first we talk to each other a lot by phone or skype but lately the calls have been reduced to one per week or so, also he has had problems with his computer so no skype for the last 3 months. He is the one calling because I’m tired of pretending by phone that I’m ok with our situation.
As you probably know, there is a curve of frustration and angriness while waiting. Sometimes you can manage the distance, then depression tokes over and then you’re ok again and so on. Lately I feel that the “ok periods” are shorter and the “frustration periods” came more often and last longer. The thing is I’m done not being able to make plans for the future, I’m 32 and I feel that our possibilities of having a family are blowing in the wind, I also feel betrayed because he keeps telling me that he is trying to find a job here “for me” because he “doesn’t want to live here” but on our last call he told me that he was going to spend the weekend studying for the exams to became now a public servant of the EU, which will surely involve moving to Brussels.
I have pointed out that I’m not ok with our situation and he just told me that this is hard for him too, that he feels that he is doing something wrong and so he needs my support not my complains. I have tried to be nice but I’m done.
In two week, one of my best friends is getting married after two years of a wonderful, normal and enviable relationship; he is also having a child in 4 months. I’m so happy for him but I’m also so jealous... (supposedly) my boyfriend is coming to the wedding too so I think it is the perfect timing for me to give him an ultimatum. I love him (and I know he loves me even more), I want to spend my live with him but I need to know that we are going somewhere, that we have a future and I need to know when
Do you think I have the right to ask him for a closure? What should I tell him/do? Do you think it is time to move on and forget about him? Please, help!
I just found this web because I was looking for some kind of answer to my dilemma and I have read some of your posts and relate with your problems and concerns so I can feel you can relate with mine too so you can give me a better advice than my friends (who said that I should break up with him and carry on with my live).
My story is this: In September 2007 I started dating my boyfriend. Although he was 27 years old (as me) he was still studying to obtain a vacancy as public servant. Most of the people need at least 5 years to pass this exam and he just started to study for it after finishing his degree. In order to be successful on his trying he needed to study at least 10 hours a day and he only had 1 day off a week so we didn’t really have time to do normal things that couples do, like stay late at night on a weekend or do a short trip to the countryside, it was a really difficult for me no having a normal relationship even having him there physically and after two years I stared feeling that our relationship was kind of stuck. Not being able to move on was driving me upset some times.
On March 2010 he stopped his attempts to access the public administration because the economic situation here obligated the Government to stop offering vacancies. So, he was 30 years old, no work experience and had to find a job in a very difficult economic situation context. I must say that inside of me I was glad because we were going to finally have a normal relationship and being able to make plans for the future and have time for ourselves. But instead of trying to find a job he asked for help and a contact gave him the possibility of working in Germany (he knows the language, I don’t) for an Spanish company as a scholarship for three months, after that they were supposed to have a talk to see the possibilities of hiring him here in Spain or there. I must say that point was never clear for me because he even have different versions... so he went away because he “needed to know if he can do it” and because he has “always wanted to work overseas” I wasn’t happy but 3 months weren’t too much...
Well, those three months became 6, and then 9 and the company still hasn’t had that talk with him. I have been there twice (3 week in August and 1 week in December) and he has come here once (4 days in October). Our time together was everything but perfect, when I was there I was alone most of the time because he worked many hours and at the weekends he was too tired. On December I spent my birthday in Germany with him but he didn’t plan anything to do or brought any gift. And when he came here I had to share him with his friends... like i said, not perfect.
About communications I must say he is the communicative person in the couple. At first we talk to each other a lot by phone or skype but lately the calls have been reduced to one per week or so, also he has had problems with his computer so no skype for the last 3 months. He is the one calling because I’m tired of pretending by phone that I’m ok with our situation.
As you probably know, there is a curve of frustration and angriness while waiting. Sometimes you can manage the distance, then depression tokes over and then you’re ok again and so on. Lately I feel that the “ok periods” are shorter and the “frustration periods” came more often and last longer. The thing is I’m done not being able to make plans for the future, I’m 32 and I feel that our possibilities of having a family are blowing in the wind, I also feel betrayed because he keeps telling me that he is trying to find a job here “for me” because he “doesn’t want to live here” but on our last call he told me that he was going to spend the weekend studying for the exams to became now a public servant of the EU, which will surely involve moving to Brussels.
I have pointed out that I’m not ok with our situation and he just told me that this is hard for him too, that he feels that he is doing something wrong and so he needs my support not my complains. I have tried to be nice but I’m done.
In two week, one of my best friends is getting married after two years of a wonderful, normal and enviable relationship; he is also having a child in 4 months. I’m so happy for him but I’m also so jealous... (supposedly) my boyfriend is coming to the wedding too so I think it is the perfect timing for me to give him an ultimatum. I love him (and I know he loves me even more), I want to spend my live with him but I need to know that we are going somewhere, that we have a future and I need to know when
Do you think I have the right to ask him for a closure? What should I tell him/do? Do you think it is time to move on and forget about him? Please, help!
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