At a stand still...

[LovingHer]

Well this seems to be my last resort as I'm at a complete stand still with what the right thing to do is. I'm in a long distance relationship, I'm in Toronto and she's in New York. It's also a same-sex relationship if that makes much of a difference. We've dated for 3 years, on and off, which I'll elaborate on in a few. We met in an odd way, most people wouldn't understand it but I'm hoping you guys do. We met through the PlayStation 3, online gaming. It was like we connected right away, we would flirt and were crazy about each other and decided to give it a try. This isn't my first girlfriend but I am her first one. Anyway the initial year was somewhat rocky as she loved to go out and party with her friends and I felt alone quite a bit. I'm an emotional person and I tend to lash out quite a bit. I knew she was crazy about me though, she would send me emails and texts saying the most wonderful and romantic things. I wish I hadn't taken her for granted at that time though because I was still young and stupid, so I flirted with other people and she eventually had enough and broke it off. Before that happened though, she did come to Toronto and we had a great time together, it was comfortable and amazing to be around and with each other. She was going to come again on New Years but then decided not to due to my stupidity and that hurt me the most. Now in 2010, after the break up, we never really got around to fixing things as she just couldn't trust me anymore and I felt like I had lost everything. I regretted being a complete idiot and so I did what most people would do when they realize they've lost something great.. fight for it. I tried, but the communication bridge was horrible. She wouldn't open up to me much and she would be into her gaming a lot more, playing with people I never knew. Before we had mutual friends but after a while it was just her "people". Found out there was one girl she was getting close to but she denied having anything to do with her, obviously that wasn't true and I found out they were dating for 2 months but then it ended. I still fought despite that, knowing full well that this wasn't going to end well. Then there was another girl, who actually lived closer to her as well and met through gaming and they hit it off and that was it for me. I was broken to a point where I didn't know how to heal or what to do. I was miserable for the next couple of months as she was completely out of my life. Then one day I ran into her in the same game, not many people know much about gaming but if you do then there's lobbies where the players wait for the game to start. Anyway, I decided to message her and see how she was and added her back on some things to chat with her more often. She was still kind of with her girlfriend, I knew she loved her but I don't think the feeling was mutual from her girlfriend. Ended shortly after but she had a hard time getting over her and I knew I never got over her so I tried to be there for her as much as possible. I tried to talk to her about us again, she was hesitant.. I don't blame her, she had gotten over me to be with someone else. It would be like falling in love with me all over again and being doubtful that history might repeat itself. Regardless, 2011 started with us making it official, took some work though. I guess I expected things to be like how they used to be, full of love and us being crazy about each other. This isn't the case though as it carries on to 2012. She's distant, doesn't show any affection towards me and when I try to talk to her about it, she gets mad and goes offline on Skype or starts to ignore me. I'm not oblivious to what's going on with us. In a span of 3 years, we've met but once and that was during the initial year when everything was great. After that we've gone through a lot and ended up trying again but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. We use Skype every day to talk, mind you it's not really much talking than just being in a call and it's quiet. It's not awkward or anything but for me it's the sense that she's there. We stay on it throughout the night, sleep together while in the call as well. Rare occasions we'll watch a movie together but that seems to be about it. I've mentioned to her that I want to go to NY to see her but she doesn't show much excitement or initiative in helping me with hotels around her area. We both live with our parents who don't know about us so that makes it hard as well.

I guess with all this blabbering about my sob story, I'm just wondering what I'm doing here. Am I trying to prolong something that's been ended the day we broke it off or will things get better if we see each other again? I've asked her if the love she feels for me now is the same as how she felt before and she said no, and she said she's with me for a reason so I'm guessing there's something there. Maybe she's scared or I'm just not doing it for her any more. Anyway, that's my story for the first time to a bunch of strangers who I hope can help me with some kind of outlook.

Thanks for reading.

[Sierra]

It sounds to me that you guys could be at a standstill for a couple of reasons. Firstly, when you were initially together it sounds like there were some major trust betrayals. Even though it's been awhile, it still takes awhile to let go of that and move forward. Maybe she's hesitant because she doesn't want to get hurt again.

I know, I tend to over think and over analyze everything, and while I can forgive, I have a REALLY hard time forgetting and moving forward. It makes my boyfriend crazy that I do that but we've figured out that if we talk the issue into the ground and really find out what's bothering me and how to make it better that it's easier for me to move on.

Is it possible that there are still lingering trust issues and possibly heartbreak?

I don't think that relationships get to go back to that initial "honeymoon" stage which has passed, even thought you guys have broken up and gotten back together. It's ok though, you guys just have to reestablish your communication and see what's really going on with her.

Be open, encourage her to be and realize that it's a process. I think once you guys get that communication going you can figure out what's really going on and move forward from there.

[Zapookie]

You said that you were her first girlfriend when you initially got together? It could be that she has also matured a little more, and her way of showing her love has developed into something different (or maybe she has developed more restraint in that area). I imagine that she doesn't feel the same way about you because of what you did to her, but most people wouldn't get back in a relationship if they weren't ready to try again.

What I'm saying is, there has to be something else. She can't still be carrying that around, she can't have not been able to forgive you, because she got back together with you! I feel like that isn't the reason she's being the way she is. If I were her, and I got back together with someone after all that time, I would have forgiven them already and started with a clean slate. Of course what they did would be in the back of my mind, but then I would have to remember that I got back with them for a reason, and that I can't keep holding the past against them otherwise we would never move forward together as a couple. I might be wrong though!

BUT! The only way you're ever going to know is if you talk to her about it. You can't be in a relationship where you can't communicate with each other, and where you can't trust each other, because then you pretty much have nothing. Those are the two foundations of any relationship (including friendships). You both also have to be giving equal amounts into the relationship. You can't be pulling the weight all by yourself - you're going to get tired.

[Kristin91]

To me it sounds like she's not really interested in the same kind of relationship you had before. It could be because she has more experience and is wary of getting too close and being hurt again, I don't know. One thing does concern me, however, and that's the fact that when you guys talk on Skype neither one of you is saying much. Obviously you wouldn't be in a long distance relationship if either one of you was looking for an "easy" relationship, but it doesn't sound like the relationship is necessarily thriving either. I think you need to figure out what you want. If you want a relationship like you described, then go for it... but also be careful that you're not setting yourself up to get hurt again. I don't think any of us can tell you for sure if you're trying to "prolong something that's been ended" or if things will get better... In my opinion it sounds like you're trying to hold onto something that isn't there, and she's trying to get something back that she lost. But remember both of you have changed in the last year or so. You're might just want to see how it plays itself out.

[floridaellen]

My SO and I broke up for 7 weeks and got back together. Things are definitely different. We are less in the honeymoon phase, although we have our romantic days, and more practical. It happens.

[Engel]

I think she is trying to be distant because she is afraid to have her heart broken by you again. the only thing you can do is be patient, and show her you changed and love her.

why sony you send her a care package? with one of your shirts and a soft toy for her to sleep in, a cd with songs that make you think about her, about you two.

a framed picture (guess you took pictures together when she was there, right?) and a letter.
hand written. apologizing, telling her how you love her and want to make this work. maybe it won't be a miracle worker, but it will show her you care and are willing to try!

[LovingHer]

I really thank you all for your input. A lot of the stuff you guys said makes a lot of sense. I tried communicating with her again on the 19th, and she opened up a little then backed off again. It came to a point where she got off Skype and I got upset so I messaged her via SMS. Safe to say things got heated and she said she wanted a break from me and I told her I wasn't about to sit her waiting for her to make up her mind about what she wants to do and that she needs to either stay with me or break it off completely. Breaks aren't what we need, we need communication. Anyway, she broke it off. I'm on day 5 of the break up and it's been really tough to not message her. She hasn't messaged me either, seems like she's doing okay. I guess that's my answer right there, huh?

[Haley53]

While I'll admit that her being closed off from you is a part of the problem (if she'd made the decision to try again, it would have been important to commit to that decision), I also feel that you've been a little bit... pushy? Sometimes backing off and saying, "I really want to make this work, but I know that making it work means admitting, and accepting, that I screwed up. So what do you need from me? I know that you're hurt, I know that you need time, and I know that it'll take time to get to where we were before, but I want to be here for you, when you're ready. In the meantime though, I would like to talk about what you need?" can do wonders, and if they aren't sure, then let that be okay. Here you raged at her for getting offline and then presented her with an ultimatum because you wouldn't let her take time to clear what was going through her head. To me, it doesn't seem like she doesn't care about you or that she's doing "okay," though she may very well have realised she's over you. :/ But to me it sounds like you pushed her too hard and did not give her the time or space to heal. If she comes back to you, then I encourage you to allow her that.

[LovingHer]

While I'll admit that her being closed off from you is a part of the problem (if she'd made the decision to try again, it would have been important to commit to that decision), I also feel that you've been a little bit... pushy? Sometimes backing off and saying, "I really want to make this work, but I know that making it work means admitting, and accepting, that I screwed up. So what do you need from me? I know that you're hurt, I know that you need time, and I know that it'll take time to get to where we were before, but I want to be here for you, when you're ready. In the meantime though, I would like to talk about what you need?" can do wonders, and if they aren't sure, then let that be okay. Here you raged at her for getting offline and then presented her with an ultimatum because you wouldn't let her take time to clear what was going through her head. To me, it doesn't seem like she doesn't care about you or that she's doing "okay," though she may very well have realised she's over you. :/ But to me it sounds like you pushed her too hard and did not give her the time or space to heal. If she comes back to you, then I encourage you to allow her that.

You're right, I was pushy and I should've given her time to think about things but it seemed like we were in a vicious cycle. We would never have a complete conversation without her saying she's not in the mood or she has nothing left to say. It was building up and I think I needed to give her an ultimatum. Perhaps she has realized that she's just fine without me and she's probably moving on as we speak. She's gotten over me once already, so I don't think it'll be hard for her to do it again. I, on the other hand, have yet to get over her even a little bit and it's really hard because I made a lot of sacrifices for her and really fought to get her back. I thought when she came back into my life again, it was for a reason. Just one of those things I'll always wonder about because there will be no closure or answers from her end.

[Haley53]

Well maybe it's for the best then? :/ If this were a cycle. I say do your best to take care of you. If it's too hard not to message her, then delete her off of everything. Sometimes a clean break is most certainly what is needed.