"A Relationship Is Defined By Conflict"

[Sierra]

I was feeling a little down the other day in therapy about my boyfriend and I fighting more than usual and what I could do about it. I know much of it stems from my own anxiety, fears and insecurities and the more my therapist and I talked about it, the more interesting the conversation became.

Eventually she said to me, "Look, a relationship is defined by conflict and how you handle it. If you don't have conflict, how do you know the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship? Don't worry about fighting, as long as you guys work through it and you're not pushing each other away, the conflicts are strengthening your bond to each other."

This really made me think, and the more I thought, the more I realized, she's right. I've been in relationships before where the person I was with and I never fought, and it didn't make us stronger, it made us weaker, because when it did come time to fight, it tore us apart. I've been in other relationships where I just haven't cared enough to argue about anything.

I do see how our arguing strengthens our ability to communicate and problem solve as a couple, and that makes me happy, but I still hate fighting.

So how do you feel about her comment? Are relationships defined by conflicts and our resolution of them?

[Kristin91]

Yes! Everything you said is completely true! In my last relationship, my ex-boyfriend and I were proud to have "such a good relationship" that we never fought about anything. But then when we had our first big fight, it completely broke us up. He overreacted to me trying to "fix" things, and ended up telling me everything he hates about me in 10 minutes. And I didn't care enough to say anything more and fight for our relationship because I knew things were crumbling.

In contrast, my SO and I don't fight often (thankfully, because it's a terrible experience to fight with him), but like you said, it really has made our relationship stronger and I know that we can survive big fights because we have. And we both care enough to actually fight for our relationship when things get tough.

[kteire]

I disagree. My SO and I have never fought, but we've had disagreements that we handled calmly. We both hate confrontation, and would rather talk things out and say what we both feel while respecting the other person. I really love that about our relationship. My family argues and fights a lot, and it's amazing having someone else who feels the same way about working things out without fighting. I have no doubt that if we did ever fight, we'd get through it and still have an incredible relationship, but I don't think that we would be stronger for it.

I dunno, I don't think it's the same for everyone. I'm sure with some people who are less afraid of confrontation it would be easier to handle, but I know for me, I'm happy having one person in my life that I don't fight and argue with

[HollzHeartsChris]

I agree to the point this can be what some people in relationships are like, but I don't agree because this has never been the case with me and Chris. Yes, we've had small arguments, and once we had a pretty hefty argument, but it's never driven a wedge between us. It made us stronger. We'd rather talk things through and get them sorted than just leave them to simmer. That's the great thing about the friendship/relationship we have: we hardly ever argue and when we do we're just able to sort it out easily. It's great having that for reassurance.

[goalie_girl34]

I'm not sure whether I agree or disagree. My boyfriend and I never fight about anything. But, my theory is that will change when I move in with him and we're in close contact everyday. For example, I know their will be disagreements about the cleanliness level in his place. But, we havent ever gotten in a fight or a disagreement about something of substance. Even when we talked about politics and our views on some issues were very different we were able to talk calmly and reasonably. We enjoyed it. Both of us are very laid back, and that works for us.

[fake_welshman]

The old saying applies here;
What ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

But what a lot of people forget is;
What does kill you makes you dead.

[floridaellen]

So how do you feel about her comment? Are relationships defined by conflicts and our resolution of them?

I agree with her comment. My SO and I fight. Frankly, I'm difficult to deal with even though I try. He's difficult too. We've even broke up. But now we're so much better.

I don't really know how to explain it. But I like it.

Edit: This reminds me of a sociological theory that we were actually talking about in my class today. If there wasn't crime, we would have to invent crime because it reinforces what is right and what is wrong and strengthens our collective conscience. Thinking that way, we need conflict and fights in order to strengthen our relationship and develop healthy boundaries. It's just a theory though.

[Zapookie]

I don't know if I really agree with that. My SO and I rarely fight, we get along great. Of course of the fights that we have had, they've brought us closer, but we've never had a fight where one of us was furious/upset to the point of tears with the other. We just don't drive each other that far as we always talk it out before it gets any worse.

We're true best friends - we understand each other and we never talk bad about the other person behind their back. Anything said between us is always held with confidence. We respect each other, so we don't call each other names or bring up past negative instances to hold against them.

I think it really depends on the two people in the relationship - their personalities and their compatibility, as well as the dynamic. Some couples fight a lot and that's what they do, and they're okay with it, and some couples don't fight much or at all.

[anlgp]

We bicker often and fight sometimes, sometimes more than often, but I love her dearly and she loves me and I would not trade how we interact with each other for the world.

I think every fight a couple gets through is another bond that they can say they've taken care of together, although I do hate fighting and the feeling afterward.

[Rugger]

What is true for some couples is not true for others. My SO and I have never had a fight. Ever. When we have a conflict, we talk it through so it doesn't escalate. I do disagree that fighting makes you stronger. My Ex and I fought ALL THE TIME. At least 2 times a week, full on screaming matches. We always got through them, but it was not a healthy way to deal with conflict. My SO and I are a much stronger couple than my ex and I were.

[rsvpnj]

I think so.... and besides... what fun is life if everything is peachy keen all the time... plus there wouldn't be such a thing as make-up sex... and who wants that

[loveknowsnodistance27]

My SO and I have not fought, so I disagree. We definitely have had differences in opinions and I verbalize to him if something bothers me, whether it be an action or lack of attention or something along those lines. We will talk it out in a respectful way and we haven't had to raise our voices. Both my SO and I are children of divorced families, so we are non-confrontational people because we've witnessed the fighting amongst our parents. I believe that we are a very strong couple and we do have a bond that most couples do not because we were best friends for 11 years before we began dating. Even though we do have our differences in opinion, we still do enjoy "making up" even if there wasn't a fight per se. I like the way we can work things out by just talking about them. I don't think either of us has ever raised our voice to one another.

[Jazi]

I don't think fighting in itself makes you a stronger couple, fights usually suggest there are issues between you and if you fight regularly that isn't a good sign of being a strong unity as a couple. to me it's not the fight or the conflict that makes you a stronger couple, it's the commitment to stay together no matter what and work through the bad times and come through them on the other side with a full sense of love for your partner.

having a full sense of commitment for each other through all different situations is a better bond than fighting. My SO and I have had a few disagreements but they're few and far between. I do agree that once you've had a large disagreement in a relationship it is nice to see how the other person handles it. How someone fights/deals with it and sorts it out says a lot about if they are in the relationship for the long haul.

[Sierra]

I started this thread and then my internet died. First it seems that we can't disagree on what a conflict or fight is, a verbal disagreement that requires talking it out ... that would be considered a conflict in a relationship. Simply because you don't scream or yell, or handle it calmly doesn't mean you've never had a disagreement that needs talking out.

Couples handle conflicts in different ways based on their personalities, if you avoid the problems in a relationship, (and I'm sorry but I DO NOT believe people when they say their relationship has no issues at all, to me that's indicative of a huge problem) you aren't doing yourself or your SO any favors. You aren't strengthening your bond, but weakening it because you're refusing to address issues, concerns or thoughts that you may have about your relationship or the other person.

I disagree. My SO and I have never fought, but we've had disagreements that we handled calmly. We both hate confrontation, and would rather talk things out and say what we both feel while respecting the other person. I really love that about our relationship. My family argues and fights a lot, and it's amazing having someone else who feels the same way about working things out without fighting. I have no doubt that if we did ever fight, we'd get through it and still have an incredible relationship, but I don't think that we would be stronger for it.

I dunno, I don't think it's the same for everyone. I'm sure with some people who are less afraid of confrontation it would be easier to handle, but I know for me, I'm happy having one person in my life that I don't fight and argue with

Like I just premised my post with, you guys do have conflict in your relationship, you just address it in a way that works for you. "Fighting" is not necessarily yelling and screaming but meant in the broader term of dealing with issues in your relationship.

So how do you feel about her comment? Are relationships defined by conflicts and our resolution of them?

I agree with her comment. My SO and I fight. Frankly, I'm difficult to deal with even though I try. He's difficult too. We've even broke up. But now we're so much better.

I don't really know how to explain it. But I like it.

Edit: This reminds me of a sociological theory that we were actually talking about in my class today. If there wasn't crime, we would have to invent crime because it reinforces what is right and what is wrong and strengthens our collective conscience. Thinking that way, we need conflict and fights in order to strengthen our relationship and develop healthy boundaries. It's just a theory though.

I like her comment, it made me think about everything my boyfriend and I go through and how yes, we have argued, have we broken up? No. Do we love each other any less? No. If anything I feel confident, happy and secure that I can be vulnerable and afraid, I can express concerns to him and we can come to a fair resolution. I do agree with her that without this, there would be no relationship.

I think that conflict management and resolution DOES help define your relationship.

I look at my Grandma, a product of denial. She's had TWO relationships in her whole life, both resulted in marriages to alcoholics in which she was completely miserable. Because of her fear to address issues in the relationship she ended up with horrible men, her lack of willingness to address issues in the relationship defines both of those relationships as disfunctional.

I don't think fighting in itself makes you a stronger couple, fights usually suggest there are issues between you and if you fight regularly that isn't a good sign of being a strong unity as a couple. to me it's not the fight or the conflict that makes you a stronger couple, it's the commitment to stay together no matter what and work through the bad times and come through them on the other side with a full sense of love for your partner.

having a full sense of commitment for each other through all different situations is a better bond than fighting. My SO and I have had a few disagreements but they're few and far between. I do agree that once you've had a large disagreement in a relationship it is nice to see how the other person handles it. How someone fights/deals with it and sorts it out says a lot about if they are in the relationship for the long haul.

Eh, my therapist who's a family/marriage specialist totally disagrees. She said that it's healthy for some couples to fight on a regular basis. We're not talking about plate throwing, screaming, punching and berating, we're talking about talking over issues and addressing them. While yes, if you find yourself discussing the same problems over and over again this can show the flaws in a relationship, BUT it also shows a couples willingness to fight for the relationship.

Do you fault a couple for being in counselling or do you see this as a couple being weak and flawed? To me I see it as a couple trying to work through their issues that they can't on their own and there's nothing unhealthy about it, I actually think the opposite of the couple.


You guys, working through conflict is the same thing as fighting. Don't pick apart semantics and ruin the meaning behind the question, it's silly.

[DemonxOisin]

100% Agree! My weakest relationship ever had ZERO fights. I didn't care enough to argue with him. My current SO and I used to fight all the damn time. Eventually we faught so badly that we broke up. But it made us realize how much we appreciated each other. Now, we fight much less often, barely ever, because when we have a disagreement, we know how to solve it. Fighting has taught us so much about ourselves, and taught us how to make our relationship stronger