Dating for Marriage?

[Rosebud]

So hopefully this is an acceptable topic to post as it's something that has been on my mind regardless of whether or not I'm in n LDR, but as this is still a relationship-based forum I assumed it was okay. Apologies if it is not.

Anyway, since before I was even old enough to begin dating I'd always held the mindset that whoever it was that I dated it was going to be with the intention of it being long-term and eventually leading to marriage. This just seemed to natural to me that when I hit high school and even now I have friends who have no trouble having boy or girlfriend they don't have any intentions of ever marrying, it all seemed extremely foreign to me (I understand the concept of dating several people, that's the only way to meet others, because actually staying as someone's girl/boyfriend when you know there's no chance of the relationship being long-term?). I understand marriage isn't something everyone wants to pursue and for some it never even crosses their mind, but the more I think about it, the more it has me very, very worried.

My best friend tells me that at 20 years (almost 21) that I should stop taking marriage so seriously, that now is the time in my life when I should really be looking around and finding who fits with me. She's comfortable with dating and looking around and that's fine for her. For me on the other hand, I'm awful at it and I'm very happy to be in an LDR right now that I feel so comfortable with. However, this crops up another problem since my LDR is the longest relationship I've ever been in and it's painful to imagine it ending. But then if I think back to my original question of....marriage, well, I get really scared! I'm only 20! How is that even an appropriate subject to bring up, I don't want to think about marriage right now! Ack! But then where does that leave me? So I DO want this relationship to end? No! So I wind up thinking about this in circles because as a college student still living at home, marriage is certainly the last thing on my mind-but on the flip side I feel I have alot invested into this relationship and it's not just something I can toss aside so easily.

So,your thoughts? Is anyone else so set about these concepts of marriage as I am? So confused and scared about them? Or maybe just any general opinions?

[Caitlin2009]

well your friend is right, now im most likely hopefully gonna get married to my girl but you dont have to be married to be with someone, and you shouldnt look at every relationship as a gateway to getting married, because it doesnt always happen that way. And if you love someone enough you can be married to them in your heart and not be really married legally, i dunno im in the mindset of you dont have to be married to be with someone your whole life.

[ErinKristine]

My nana gave me a little card with advice for teens on it a long time ago and one of the things on it said " Choose only a date that would make a good mate" oddly enough that has stuck with me. My first relationship started when I was 17 and ended when I was 20. I saw myself marrying that person, we talked about it frequently but in the last year of our relationship we grew apart and things ended. We began dating after a few years of friendship so we knew each other pretty well and I only seriously dated him because I could see us getting married.
After that relationship I took a break for a couple months, but a friend of mine asked me out on a date, after a few dates things didn't seem "right" so I told him the truth that I didn't think we were meant to be a couple and just being friends is what our relationship is supposed to be. Then I met the guy I'm currently with (and have been with for two years). We dated for a few months without saying we were officially together (neither of us dated anyone else though). From our very first date things just felt "right" like we were meant to be, I don't even know how to describe it.
Anyways I totally understand your desire to have a relationship that leads to marriage, was I hurt when my first long term relationship ended? Yes, I didn't think I would find anyone else, but I did. Do I worry this one will end too? Sometimes, but it's just because I'm afraid that we'll grow apart, especially since it's an LDR, but I also feel secure knowing that he does love me and has put as much effort as I have into this LDR as I have. We've also seriously talked about marriage and family life, etc.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship to lead to marriage, but just keep in mind that you can't force a good relationship and getting married doesn't fix problems. If you feel that it's time to let go then it probably is,someone else could be out there. So yes, I do have similar views, but I also feel that going through a couple relationships might have to happen in order for one to lead to marriage.

[archangel]

I am the type of person who will only enter a relationship if it is serious and long-term. No need for broken hearts along the road of life imo (yet trying to find my one-true love... I've broken my heart several times). Another huge thing for me is compatibility, like things, interests, beliefs, morals...etc me and her have in common. To top it all off, I don't believe in divorce. So yeah... when I say forever, I am going to be there always.
I Luv you valkyrie! XOXOXOXOXO
I adore you!

[kraut]

I guess I had the mindset of your friend to some extent, then I saw a friend (now my SO) go through a breakup that tore his heart out and left him hurting badly. That caused me to step back and realize that dating for fun or dating just to have someone is dangerous. It can cause incredible pain and damage one or both parties involved. As that point I decided dating for marriage is the right reason, and the only right reason to date. Even if you love each other if there is some reason why a relationship is not going to work it should be ended as soon as possible.

[folclor]

In my opinion you date to find your husband or wife. You know, it's kind of in the entire concept. ^^;; Not to insult anyone who doesn't agree, of course, but I think you should date to look for the person you want to marry. I, too, freak out at the thought of marrying right now. I'm 20, going to be 21 in December. Alex is 21, going to be 22 this year. Neither of us is in a rush to marry because we ARE so young. but there's nothing wrong with meeting someone young, getting to know them, and deciding that you want to be with them. I think it's a great thing, honestly. There's nothing wrong with dating the same person for 4 years and then getting married to them. There's nothing wrong with waiting, either. But your friend's philosophy works for her, not necessarily for you. Just because you dont' like the idea of marrying at age 20 doesn't mean you're any less entitled to looking for someone to marry when you're older.

[Caity]

I do believe you should date to look for someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with. Me and my SO would love to get married now, though he'd like to ask my father for his permission first, which means waiting till he can come visit me here. I think you should get married when you feel it's the right time, it's different for everybody. I don't think 20 is too young to get married, but here where i live alot of people do get married quite young. My parents and my grandparents both got married around 20, my parents at 19 and 18. My grandparents have been togetherfor over 40 years now. So it really depends on your own opinion when you want to get married, and if you've found the right person you don't have to marry them straight away. There's nothing wrong with waiting for a bit =).

[lunamea]

I don't see the two views necessarily as mutually exclusive. I mean, "looking around for someone to fit you" doesn't mean you're dating everyone you meet, or does it? Perhaps that's me, though, because I don't really get the idea of "dating", anyway. In my home country, you're either together or you are not. If you're together, you generally don't see other people and from the first kiss onwards, you are in a relationship. Even though I've now spent almost a year in the US, I still can't quite wrap my head around the concept of dating. Generally, I think there has to be some sort of attraction before you even want to date someone.

Anyway, I do think that most people date someone they are seriously interested in, not just to pass the time or have fun. I don't think that you have to necessarily believe you're going to get married/spend the rest of your life with that person at first, but personally, I think there's a time when you either realize you truly love that person or that it was more like an infatuation. I don't believe that you should be in a relationship just because you want to be in a relationship or because you haven't found anything better yet.

So, personally, I don't believe in casual relationships. I think that if a couple stays together despite not having intentions of staying in the relationship long-term, that is mostly wasting time. Like the saying goes "the space for what you want is already filled with what you settled for instead." Also, I think such a relationship will end up hurting the partner who is in it for the long run. Of course, nobody can guarantee that any relationship will work out, anyway, but I think it's important that at least both partners are on the same page about what expectations they enter the relationship with.

As I said, to me there's no real point in pursuing a relationship that I don't even want to be long-term. For me, there isn't a real difference between a long-term relationship and marriage either. Then again, my views on marriage are a little different from the average person's and I don't really think you can necessarily only have one love of your life. Still, and granted that love does need some time to develop, I think you should be able to tell fairly soon if you can imagine yourself with that person in the long run or not.

[Zephii]

Like Lunamea, I didn't grow up with the concept of "dating". I don't know if that's a cultural thing or just the result of growing up in a small town, but I only encountered it when I came to Canada and it screams "wrong" to me. It looks like people are just jerking each other around. No wonder people are so jaded
Anyway, I don't think that not being ready to marry your current SO means you never want to or that you want the relationship to end.

But, I don't enter a relationship hoping for marriage. It just isn't that big of a deal to me. I don't need a bit of paper that tells me I can have a life with my special person or treat them the way they deserve to be treated, and in my home country de facto couples have nearly all the same rights as married couples, there's no big outstanding reason to bother getting married. I'd never enter a relationship if I knew it didn't have a chance of succeeding though.

[Semperfikindoflove]

I know I'm an advocate for the idea of "dating for marriage". Someone once asked me if I was boyfriend/girlfriend with someone or if I was just dating them and I didn't understand the difference because that's not how I am. There's no reason for someone to go around dating and dating and dating if they have no intention of trying to make the relationship work. I'm not saying you shouldn't date if you aren't intending to get married. That's not what I'm saying at all. What I will say is that you date to date for a little while but not just so you can go out for a week, then change your mind and go for someone else. Short relationships can hardly give you what you need to know to have a solid relationship or build anything for a future relationship. You will miss out on key things about a person or traits that you may actually like if you just date to date. It's important to establish a solid basis for a relationship. I'm personally someone who needs to know if the person is intending a long-term relationship or a short-term relationship because if they plan short-term I will not even start the relationship because I will not invest just to get hurt. It depends on who you are and who you want to be in your life. If you want a picture perfect life with a wife/husband or if you just want to be you without the titles and pressure of a marriage.

[Mio]

I believe that everybody have the right to think how they want, if for you things are like this, then nobody has the right to tell you you are wrong. Best wishes!

[kissoflife61]

Times have changed so much, haven't they? 200 years ago, if we were 20 and unmarried, we would be consider old maids.
Anyway, I do believe in dating towards marriage in the case of LDRs. Close-distance relationships can be a little more fickle... You could date someone close distance just to have fun with them. But with LDRs, it's no joke... You either want to get married or you don't. If you don't, there's not much of a point in continuing the relationship.
I do wish you the best in your LDR!

[Riyko]

For me it's not exactly dating for someone to marry or dating for fun, it's more of if I feel that person I will date them. I've only ever been in 4 relationships and all of them have lasted 6-8 months, but my current relationship has lasted for almost 3 years and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him.

Now where i'm from all of my friends think it's strange that i'm not engaged or married yet, but then everyone here in Utah are usually married any where from 6 months to a year after they finish high school.

[Swederica]

Actually in my area that's looked down upon. Just like if they were crazy people. But i can say that i've never been as everyone else here haha.
Like being nice to girls and try to be a gentlemen, unfortunately the girls here are as weird as the guys :/
So i agree. I'm dating for marriage, and i want to be with just one person, knowing that we share everything JUST with eachother is what makes it special for me.
And worth really doing everything to make it work.
I'm still very young. But i know i want to get married, and that when i am pretty young.

[ValadinShadow]

I know what you mean. I grew up with the idea that you shouldn't be in a relationship unless you are willing to marry someone. My SO is my first boyfriend, and will probably be my last. But just because you could see yourself marrying someone doesn't mean you will, and if a relationship doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. I don't think its bad to feel that 20 is too young to get married. I have been with my SO since I was 20, and now, almost 4 years later, I'm starting to think about marriage for the first time. The idea still freaks him out a little though. I just don't see anything wrong with being in a relationship for a long time before moving on to marriage. If you are in it for the long run anyway.... I don't understand people who "date" several people at once, or get into a relationship when they know it is going to end anyway. I have a friend who has done that, and while I don't understand it I respect her decision for herself. Just stay strong and don't let society pressure you into moving faster than you want to. Because believe me, after 4 years of dating, they start asking questions, and telling you to move on and find a guy that is ready for the next stage, blah blah blah. Be strong in your commitment, and good luck!