Arguements everyday/night?

[MissVampyxo]

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So my SO left the 3rd of this month. About a week after I finally stopped being so depressed and sad. I then found out a couple days after he got home he ended up watching porn and never told me about it. so lied. I told him that I didn't like him watching porn and he promised not to watch it again. Anyways, he hasn't watched it since and swears to never do it again. So that was our first little argument. But now, after that my trust in him broke and I've been going crazy. I've been really insecure and my self confidence has went to an all time low. I've been getting upset and annoyed with him talking to women, and looking at them. He ended up telling me he looks at women, but not in the sense of how hot or sexy they are. Just what they might seem like to other men. THAT pissed me off and cause a fight or two throughout a couple of days. He now has sworn to stop and said he was stupid for doing it before and will no longer do it. It's just everyday I'm causing something different and sometimes it's his fault too. This was the second visit, and it hurt me SO damn bad. I really am falling apart, he is the best thing that's ever happened but I don't know if I'm mature enough to handle a relationship. I want him to myself now, he's going to be moving here in a few more months and I just hate people trying to get close to him now. I don't know how to control all of my outbursts and jealousy. I KNOW I'm being ridiculous and I know that if I don't knock it off this will end. What am I supposed to do? I tell him how I'm feeling, and we talk it out and get it over with. But within the next day something else comes up. We both love each other to pieces, and neither of us want to end it. He tells me he wants to keep going through it because he knows that everything that's been happening especially him leaving is getting to me. I just don't know how to control this. I would sit here and tell you every fight we got into but it'd turn into a novel.

Is it a good thing for me to end this? I just feel so bad for putting him through this. Him just mentioning certain things just hit me right in the stomach and make me get really upset. I try and calm down, and take a breather but within hours it's still bugging me so I tell him.
Last night I was doing really good and was calming down, and I did get upset about his friend but I was talking to him calmly about it...but he ended up starting a fight between us.
I just feel like I need a therapist.

[Haley53]

Would there be any way to consider seeing a therapist?

It's extremely unhealthy to be that controlling over your partner and members of the opposite sex. He should be allowed to have female friends, and he's going to be interacting with women throughout his entire life. It's also highly unlikely that you're ever going to meet a man who never notices the attractiveness of someone of the opposite sex. It may not register to the point of "wow, what I would do to her if I weren't with my SO...", but we're all human and we're all programmed to note when someone's attractive; different people go to different levels (for example, some look a little bit longer and others don't), but it's not like we become blind to all the attractive men and women in the world simply because we're in a relationship. As for porn, what is your issue with it? A lot of people use porn as a way of becoming aroused or as a visual aid in getting off, it's normal, and there's nothing wrong with it; even if you disagree with it, it should not be so much a source of insecurity for you that it upsets you to this degree. Has your SO ever done anything to damage your trust?

[kteire]

Yeah, the guy's human. Guys watch porn, guys look at other women. If he were choosing to watch porn instead of spending time with you, or checking out women in front of you, it'd be an issue. I honestly don't think it's fair. If you have an issue with porn, don't watch it, but you can't really decide that for someone else. If you feel like you need a therapist to learn to trust him more, get a therapist. I did that in the past, and it's one of the smartest things I've done for myself. Don't end it until you have explored every option, unless you think you could use the time to work on yourself apart from him.

[MissVampyxo]

That's the thing, I'm not like other women. I honestly do not and never found myself looking at another man or guy seeing him attractive in anyway. I don't want anybody else nor see anybody else. So, no I don't think everyone is like that. And I don't like the idea of my SO getting off to porn, I just don't. I also used to do it before and in the beginning of our relationship and HE told me he didn't like that I did it and I stopped for him. It should be the same for me, because that isn't fair. He should respect me the way I did to him, and I stopped watching it. It isn't fair that he had me stop yet he gets to. He broke my trust from lying to me about not watching porn when he did. HE promised ME he wouldn't do it, and ended up doing it again.

[kteire]

How did you find out that he had watched it if he didn't tell you?
You might not be attracted to anyone else, but the majority of people are. People even fantasize about someone else from time to time, and there's nothing wrong with that either. If he violated your trust, that is bad, but I guess I just don't understand having a big issue with watching that stuff, for either of you. I don't mean to sound critical, I just have never thought of THAT as being a big issue, and I have trust issues! Going to talk to a therapist can help you come to terms with the fact that while you are different, he isn't. There's nothing wrong with being either way, but it's not really something that either of you can change.

[Haley53]

I can't say I "look" either, nor do I want or see anybody else either. A lot of people on this site don't. What I'm saying is that it's highly unlikely you don't notice that some people are more attractive than others. That doesn't mean you sit there eyeing someone up or thinking about the attractiveness of that person, but it's human nature to take notice of it, if not consciously, then subconsciously; there have actually been a lot of studies done on preference and attractiveness, and that is more of what I mean. I don't mean that everytime someone's attractive, it means you're comparing them to your SO, wanting them more or seeing them over your SO, etc. or even checking them out in the slightest bit. I simply meant that it's human nature to recognise when someone is good looking, whether or not you give a second thought to it. What I don't think is fair is for your SO to have told you, unless there's some arrangement you have where he "has" to. I don't care what my SO does in his own time (so long as it's not serious oggling/flirting), but I do expect him not to look when he's around me. :P I don't want to hear about it.

I don't think the double standard surrounding porn is fair, either, though it might be worth exploring to see why the idea of porn upsets you so much. It really is such a normal thing and it's oftentimes not even about the porn stars or people involved in it. A lot of the time, it's about the act or the sounds of it, same as erotic literature excites some people. Men also tend to be more visual than women when it comes to sex. It's why foreplay is suggested so often to get women in the mood, and it's why foreplay can even be something like a sensual massage or a romantic dinner. With men, a lot of the time you can strip off all your clothes, kiss and touch a bit, and they're good to go. :P The way they're programmed is a lot more visual and physical than women, and this is why so many men get off to porn. To me it feels like you're taking his watching porn so darn personally, and you're letting it grate on an already existent insecurity.

To me it sounds like you could benefit from seeing a therapist and working on yourself/these issues, because they will run any relationship into the ground. It does sound like you love your SO a fair bit, and you both have been together almost a year and a half now? You shouldn't be experiencing these issues. I would consider seeing someone who's qualified to help you get to the root of them and work through them properly.

[MissVampyxo]

He didn't tell me until a week or so after it happened because he felt bad and said he was feeling really guilty and didn't want to hurt me by telling me. Neither of us are like that and believe that fantasizing about someone else is a biiiig thing and neither of us like that. I've never done that nor would I ever. I only have feelings for him in all forms. I would really love to get a therapist but I can't afford it. I KNOW I'm being controlling and over reactive about things but he's doing it too. I know a lot of me acting this way is all the stress and things that are going on right now. I am trying to stop it but when I finally calm down he ends up bringing something up. Or the opposite, I just don't know what to do anymore.

[HollzHeartsChris]

You need to take a step back a bit and seriously consider the way you're being with him. You need to not be so controlling. I know it's difficult and you're feeling insecure, but it's not a good way to be. I agree with Eclaire, perhaps a therapist could help out? Guys are gonna look at other women and appreciate their looks from time to time, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to take a step in the wrong direction by doing that. Guys will be guys sometimes As for the watching porn...I understand you might not like it, but it might be a way of him releasing tension? lol. If that makes sense.

At least he hasn't done anything worse than that.