my life is hell - advice needed

[El_i]

...

[Oregongirl]

No offense, but why are you wasting your life on this guy? Let alone the fact that he is playing mind games from a distance of over 5000 miles away. If he really loved you he wouldn't be doing the things he's doing AND he wouldn't care if you lost your virginity while your weren't together. Losing your virginity is your buiness and not his. I honestly think that if you aren't in therapy that you should seek some out because of the abuse you have suffered.

[Lilly9886]

I'm with Oregongirl!

I know it sounds awful and impossible for you, but you should try to forget this guy! Even when it hurts for now! You should wait for someone that loves you no matter what!

He (and no one) should treat you like that!

It's horrible what you suffered and he is blaming you for the abuse? That is just wrong! What the hell is he thinking? That you wanted that?

I hope you'll think about it and decide it's better for you and for your life to just let him go.

Good luck!

[Zapookie]

First off.. did you tell him that losing your virginity was not your decision? And does he understand what that means? He shouldn't be a dick to you. In fact, he should be the opposite. I'm sure it was traumatising enough, and now you have some guy who you have never met, playing mind games with you and treating you poorly over something in which you had no control.

Seriously. If he is 38, he needs to grow up and stop treating you this way. If the either of you are ever going to have a functioning relationship, he needs to change the way he is viewing the whole scenario. No, he does not need to forgive you because you've done nothing wrong. He needs to learn to not be such an ass-hat about it.

You need to have a serious talk about this to him. I also suggest you stop having skype sex with him and focus more on building your trust back up before you do any of that. If he is at some other girls house watching movies and cuddling, he is being emotionally intimate with her. He is not committed to you. And seeing her just to get back at you is childish and immature.

I'm sorry if I was blunt with my words but he just seems like he would be either very controlling or spiteful towards you if you were to have a relationship. You aren't even together and he is already causing you to lose sleep over this. He will probably hold a lot of your mistakes over your head and make you do stuff in order to "earn his forgiveness". In other words, emotional blackmail.

This isn't a good start to any relationship. I really suggest you try and move on. He isn't treating you like he should - you're worth so much more than this.

[ushiwakafox]

This guy is a loser, I'm sorry but it seems obvious. Regardless of whether or not you told him about how you were being forced to have sex or not, it doesn't matter what he thinks. More so because he dropped contact with you. Who does he think he is judging you like that when he was the one who stopped talking to you??
This guy is not worth your time. He's just as bad as the other guy you dated.
You should go out and meet other people. People that love you for you, for all your best qualities and even your bad. For your present and your past. Someone who doesn't play mind games with you and hurt you so they can get their petty revenge.
Please don't let him control you anymore.

[El_i]

i was afraid to tell him i was abused at the beginning and told him i wanted to have sex with the other guy. and now he thinks i'm lying. i don't want to lose him, i know he's better than this but he's deeply hurt. he says my story changed since the first time i told him, but i was too ashamed to tell the truth. he called that lying.

[BaM]

You don't need to deal with this guy. It's obvious that he didn't get everything. I bet he cut the rest of what you said out when you mentioned "losing your virginity". If he doesn't understand the first time, this guy will never understand. He's not worth your troubles at all. If he doesn't trust you, then there's no point. If you don't trust him either, then there's no point again.

You can't build a relationship without trust. This is very much needed in an LDR.

Mind games? Distrust? Cuddling with other women? Not needed in an LDR.

[El_i]

i need ways to make him see that we're meant to be together, so i can earn his trust back. he says he's going to her coz he doesn't want to be all alone

[Haley53]

I am going to say this bluntly and as a result, it is likely to come out offensive, but please take this into consideration from someone who has suffered abuse and as a result, who has seen the pattern that I have only very recently with my SO managed to start overcoming (as my SO is different to the people I have been with).

You need to see a therapist, because you are experiencing instances of replication. I am assuming that you have experienced abuse in your past, or some form of trauma, or even that there was some pervasive issue in your familial life that is causing you to seek out abusive partners. Your ex was abusive, physically, mentally, and sexually, and your current "partner" is abusive. Your current partner is manipulative and controlling, he is using humiliation tactics, he is sexually taking advantage of you, and I would not put it past him that he could become even worse off if ever you were to move in together. The other key thing here is he's made you think you're the bad guy, you're the one who went wrong, it's your fault because you lied, it's not like you were scared - petrified - or painfully upset by what had happened or anything (note the sarcasm), etc. He's pedestalised himself above you by demeaning you and as a result, you are pedestalising him as well. You do not need him. This will not stop. You are never going to win him back and earn the affections that you are craving. My opinion is that you seek out a therapist or someone who can help you heal from this pattern that you're falling into. The reason people repeat situations is because they have not learnt/grown from the one they were previously in. In the case of abuse, if y ou are continuously seeking out abusive partners, it is indicative of the fact that you have not fully emotionally healed enough to be in a relationship. Please drop this man, seek help, and if you can't drop him, then seek help to drop this man.

[goalie_girl34]

This is not a healthy relationship at all. Break it off, get some therapy and find someone a little closer to you in age and in location so that you can have someone to support you.

[Engel]

No offense, but why are you wasting your life on this guy? Let alone the fact that he is playing mind games from a distance of over 5000 miles away. If he really loved you he wouldn't be doing the things he's doing AND he wouldn't care if you lost your virginity while your weren't together. Losing your virginity is your buiness and not his. I honestly think that if you aren't in therapy that you should seek some out because of the abuse you have suffered.

that.

I doubt he saved himself and didn't have sex with someone else when you weren't together. he has no right whatsoever to criticize you for that.

specially when you didn't lose your virginity willingly.

he is a jerk, and he is emotionally abusing you.

leave him, really. you deserve better. this guy is bad news.

[Moon]

i need ways to make him see that we're meant to be together, so i can earn his trust back. he says he's going to her coz he doesn't want to be all alone

What? No you don't, and no you're not. I'm going to be brutally honest with you, if you can't deal with it, stop reading this now.

This "man" is 38 years old, he knows exactly how to manipulate you and string you along, and he's enjoying it. Yes, he is. I'll bet you he's been doing this same thing to younger women for years; he gets attention, virtual sex, and control of some poor, naive, damaged girl (such as yourself) and it makes him feel quite powerful and important. He cannot pull this off on women closer to his age, as almost all of us know better and have seen this behavior before from these pathetic loser bastards. He DOES NOT love you. In case I wasn't clear or something - HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. You are nothing more than a pawn in his game of life, a toy he can pick up, put down, and control whenever he wants to.

Unless there is something seriously wrong with him mentally, as in like he's got the brain of a 12 year old, no normal man would hold against you what happened, not one. Ever. He was just getting off on the fantasy of fucking a virgin, and now he doesn't have that little bedtime story anymore. There's an enormous difference between 38 and 25 in regards to sex, those of us who are older do not hold it in the same reverence and sacred place as those just beginning their sex lives, what I mean is no 38 year old cares if you're a virgin, unless he's got something wrong with him. In fact, most 38 year old men would not have the patience for your utter lack of not knowing what you're doing.

Aside from the obvious sex issues, why the hell has this 38 year old man not visited you in SIX YEARS? If he's even worth considering, by that age he should absolutely have had the means to do this, several times, if he hasn't by now, he NEVER will, do you wanna live like that?? You don't realize that because at 25 you aren't there yet yourself, and he counts on this, he takes advantage of the fact that you're still so young and inexperienced, and he takes complete advantage of your vulnerability. This dude is bad, bad news. I totally expect you to ignore this post, but at least maybe some of it will stick in your mind somewhere for when you need it. I don't think anyone here (as we're a pretty smart and savvy group) will give you advice on how to win this douchebag back, as he is not worth your time. Really??? Don't you think you deserve someone who'll respect you, cause this guy doesn't. I promise you, breaking your heart is the least he's going to do to you. Run now, do not make this worse on yourself.

[El_i]

and now he's mad at me for telling my story. will my nightmare ever end? I love him, i can't leave him. he's not a horrible person, he's just hurt because of me.

[Oregongirl]

and now he's mad at me for telling my story. will my nightmare ever end? I love him, i can't leave him. he's not a horrible person, he's just hurt because of me.

You aren't physically with him, so yes you can leave him. He is playing mind games with you and judging from his actions doesn't love you. Why would you want to be with somebody that makes you feel like dirt constantly? He's not hurt because of you, he's manipulating you and you are letting him. The only way you are going to be happy is not staying in contact with him. If my boyfriend, who live 5,000 miles from me, did that kind of crap to me it would be over quick. You need to think of your own well being instead of concentrating on what this guy wants and needs. The fact that you are having video sex with this guy and he disrespects you the way he is speaks volumes about who he is; a crap person.

[El_i]

can he call the police and have them arrest me as soon as i step foot in the usa?