Setting boundaries/ Control

[nicole]

I don't actually have a problem I just found this situation interesting and thought I'd ask you guys how you would deal with it

My SO plays soccer a couple of nights a week, One with some friends of his, and one with a team made up of his work colleagues. Since the work team has got so popular with everybody, and the higher-ups need to look like they are encouraging their employees to lead a healthy life style, they've recently received a lot of sponsorship, on the condition that they start a Co-Ed team too. I never thought that much about it really. Or maybe I was just trying not to think about it?

My SO and I email a lot when I have a day off and he's at work, and he just emailed me with a question. Apparently some of the guys on the guy's soccer team won't play on the Co-Ed team, because their wives have out-right banned them from playing. He said he hadn't even considered there was a problem and was I honestly ok with it? Now I like to think myself as a cool girlfriend. I encourage him to go out with his friends, I think I've only asked him not to go out one night in the 2+ years we've been together, and that was because I was freaking out over Uni and I REALLY needed him to be there for me. I would have liked to write back to him "pssssssh I'm TOTALLY fine with it, no problem"... but I couldn't honestly write that. Because honestly, I'm NOT be totally ok with it.

There's this intense pang of jealousy that runs through me when I think of him being around other girls. It's irrational really. He is not an outrageous flirt. He has no game whatsoever actually; it's a miracle he plucked up the courage to even approach me. Neither has he a history of cheating on me or in any of his past relationships. It's me being possessive. So I pushed the irrational possessiveness aside. I pushed this Co-Ed thing out of my mind, just thought of it as one of his usual soccer nights and tried to forget about it. But then he had to right out ASK me if I was ok with it, forcing me to be honest and say what I really thought.

I said I don't think I have a right to "allow" or "not allow" him to do anything without any other reason then the fact that I feel jealous. I just expect some ground rules to be set. Like flirting or any one-on-one stuff (like dinner/drinks afterwards) outside the game is unacceptable. But I see that as asking him to respect our relationship and set the appropriate boundaries, rather than me being a possessive control freak? I said I didn't say anything about it because those are already ground-rules in our relationship and I just trusted and expected him to stick to them in every aspect of his life, so I didn't think I needed to enforce that on him again. After this he seemed to think it was a HUGE deal and I was upset he hadn't asked my permission (the joys of written communication, I'll have to set him straight on that) and that he SHOULD have asked my permission and he was sorry....

I'm not upset. I think it's considerate of him to ask, but I want to let trust rule our relationship, not jealousy, so I don't feel he HAD to ask for my approval. But it did make me think. Is there a stage our relationship will reach someday, where I will need him to ask my permission on stuff like this? Or is it just relationships which are different? Is what I count as respect just not enough respect for other people?

How would you react to this situation? If your SO was/is in a Co-ed team/ group/etc, would you be/are you jealous? Would you stop them from taking part in their activity, would you keep quiet about it like I did, or would you just be totally accepting of it?

[Haley53]

I'm like any human. I feel possessive sometimes. Like he went to a New Year's party, for example, and there were other girls there and some of his female friends. Excluding the issue of alcohol - I will openly admit I have trust issues when it comes to alcohol, not for any reason by my SO but because of experiences in the past - I was fine with it. There were no feelings of jealousy at all. What was felt was a mild, very fleeting spot of possession, a feeling where I hated having to rely on trust and where sometimes I'd rather proudly show him off as that we're together, but feelings like that are very few and far between.

I can't say for certain whether or not I would be effected by this, but I will say that seeing as it's a sport and drinking is unlikely to be involving during said sport, I would probably be fine with it, same as I have been fine with him hanging out with others and female friends without alcohol involved. It's the alcohol that bothers me and makes me feel insecure (and no, I don't ban/restrict him from drinking and I often don't share my feelings about drinking with him, because it's not my place, and it's my issue to begin with. He also doesn't drink enough for it to be a problem) and not the girls. :P So even if I can't say 100%, I'll say it's 99% likely this would not bother me, same as his being around/hanging out with other girls doesn't bother me. I can trust him to not cross a line, he has even stricter boundaries than I do, and that's that. But I don't think your ground rules as far as not flirting and no inappropriate one-on-one time (to me, for one-on-one time, it depends on whether or not I'm comfy with the idea) are unfair or controlling at all.

[11MikesGirl21]

My SO is kind of in the same situation. He had to go back to his high school and continue with a theater class as part of some of his musical training (Long story). A couple of the girls in that class have made it obvious that they like him and have made an effort to pursue him; and jump at the chance to have a scene with him if it calls for touching, kissing etc. I'm not too happy about that, but the fact that the times he goes to class he tells me what happens; especially if someone gets a little too touchy or does kiss him or something, helps me feel better. I'm to the point where I don't care about it really. He doesn't hang out with these girls outside of this context either. Again it's not my favorite place for him to be, but he has to do it and to some extent he does enjoy the class.

We kind of operate our boundaries with a line of integrity and an unspoken understanding. We understand that sometimes we have to do stuff that the other might not like, but we are careful as possible that a line of integrity is not crossed. I personally work on my college's radio station. I spend alot of time in a confined private studio with two other guys--I'm the only girl. My SO isn't exactly thrilled about it; but I act in a way that I know he would have no problem with. He does the same, whether he's in that class or doing one of the other things in his life that require him to work alone or closely with another woman.

I'm not going to say that I'm entirely comfortable with my SO doing all this stuff he does with other girls, but I trust him so I let him. That kind of works the same way the wives of some of co-workers not letting their husbands join. The way I see it, they don't have trust or faith in their husbands to not do anything they shouldn't. I trust my boyfriend entirely and unquestionably. I don't however trust the girls he's around. I've told him this and he understands that and feels the same way. We aren't going to stop the other from doing what they have to do or what makes them happy; but we don't necessarily trust all the people involved in what they do.

I tell my SO most of what I do. I ask if he's okay with what I'm doing, if it's something I wouldn't normally do--like the radio thing when I first started doing it. I had asked him if he was okay with the situation. He said he wasn't, and told me to just be careful and watch out. I didn't necessarily ask permission. The only time I've come close to asking for actual permission was when I asked how he felt about me pledging a sorority. He said he would rather I didn't; so I didn't. He's the same way. He'll let me know what he's doing, and if I have a problem I voice it, but I know he has to do it.

We're both very jealous and possessive people. Getting to this point and keeping it up has been incredibly tough for the both of us. We slip back every now and then, but eventually the rational side gets bigger and we either let it go; or just deal because it is what it is.

[lucybelle]

Man I would have never even thought about this! Being banned from a co-ed team? That's lame. I mean he probably works with females, what's the difference? I also grew up being on co-ed swim teams where everyone is half naked and no one is making out just because the opposite sex is around (okay, well maybe a few teens) But really, that just seems weird to me. My SO tells me how lots of his old friends are not allowed to go out with him anymore because of their wives. Sorry, but what bitches!!! If you didn't trust the man to have a drink alone, why did you marry him? How can you trust him with the lives of your children? laaaame!

[Oregongirl]

You can't ban somebody from doing something because that will just make them resent you in the end and slowly destroy your relationship. You have to have trust in your partner that he will not stray.

[Dziubka]

Man I would have never even thought about this! Being banned from a co-ed team? That's lame. I mean he probably works with females, what's the difference? I also grew up being on co-ed swim teams where everyone is half naked and no one is making out just because the opposite sex is around (okay, well maybe a few teens) But really, that just seems weird to me. My SO tells me how lots of his old friends are not allowed to go out with him anymore because of their wives. Sorry, but what bitches!!! If you didn't trust the man to have a drink alone, why did you marry him? How can you trust him with the lives of your children? laaaame!

Exactly this and my boyfriend has a friend like that as well. I make fun of that all the time.

I honestly don't see the problem with a co-ed team.

If my boyfriend asked my permission for that, I'd most likely wonder what exactly I have been doing wrong that he feels he needs to ask me. Deciding what he can do in his free time and who he's spending it with, is definitely going too far in my opinion.

[kiara_silver]

I am very possessive.... and jealous... Like I know he has to have his space. And I want him to go out with friends. But plural, I just would feel uncomfortable if it was one on one with a girl. Thats just me, and he doesn't need to ask me permission. But when he tells me when he's going out, just to out of courtesy to me. It makes me feel good that he's open on his own. Like i can't help it, ii don't want anyone to flirt with him, or touch him or be near him lol, he's mine and belongs to me! But no he doesn't ask me for permission nor does he have to.

[snow_girl]

I agree with Lucybelle. I encourage my SO to go out and have a fun time. I trust him 100% and he has never given me reason not to. co ed soccer? Go for it! Co-ed strip aerobics? Not so much. It is a game, it is no different then them working together or socializing during break. I work at a ski hill and quite often a bunch of us will go out for a drink after work, many of which are married or have SO's. Just cause you hang out in a co ed environment doesn't mean shit is going to happen, it doesn't mean that they are going to check the opposite sex out or go off and have an affair. I don't get why so many people think that co-ed activities are the end of the world! Banning your SO from playing a game that involves the other sex is ridiculous! If you can't trust you SO then playing a co-ed soccer game is the least of your worries.

[Zapookie]

I would be OK with it. It's a co-ed soccer game, not a dance or something. They'll be kicking around a ball and possibly getting a little rough. It's not really a romantic scene lol.

[kat4301]

Yeah, I agree with a lot of the above stuff. I am also pretty jealous and possessive but really only when we are LDR. I think sometimes my SO and I do have weird conversations about whats appropriate and I do like to be filled on from his nights out. It feels strange because when are together, I am not like that at all even when he does go out alone. It might help to make sure he knows that living together and being married, like his friends, will not be the same for you guys, But that its about being LDR which adds this propensity to have control. I think I feel so out-of-control sometimes because us spending time together is such the minority, that in places that I can get control I take it and sometimes take too much.