I'm not sure where I stand.....confused?

[holdinghands]

Hi, I've been absent from this forum for a while now, and I feel kinda guilty only returning to get advice but I plan to be more active from now on
So a little background...I am 17, soon to be 18, and my SO is 25. We have known each other for almost three years, and we met in person in May of 2010. We haven't seen each other in person since then, and its a miracle that we're still together to be honest.
Basically, I am quite an affectionate, sometimes cheesy person, and I like sending him letters and I wish I could send him a valentines card, but he just resists stuff like that. In our entire relationship he has sent me one letter, and I have sent him three. This isn't that big a deal, but this is just a little part of a much bigger problem between us. I feel like we're not even a couple anymore. He never says he loves me unless I say it first. He never says he misses me unless I say it first. I thought maybe I was being too pushy so now I say I love you once a day or not even that, but he just doesn't react. Also he has always been very quiet, but now he doesn't even talk to me at all. I find myself carrying the whole conversation when we're talking. I have tried having a proper discussion with him about this but he just finds a way to make me feel really guilty, which is so confusing for me.
I am also currently suffering from depression and I'm scheduled to go to the doctors with my sister to get antidepressants next week. Last week was really hard for me for various reasons, like my father saying he is no longer going to pay my support money, I had my A Level english exam, and just various other stuff that I don't want to go into. I have always told him I am there for him and that he can always talk to me about anything and I thought it went both ways, so I tried to talk to him about it, but I was a bit of a mess and I couldn't stop crying whilst video calling him, so I said I'd have to talk about it some other time and I went to bed, but then he messaged me a few hours after I had gone to say that 'I had weirded him out', with no further explanation. He was then going away for a few days so that was my last contact with him. I felt absolutely awful, and then when he came back he said nothing about it and when I said that I found him saying that to be hurtful, he acted like I was making a big deal out of nothing.
So now he says he wants to have a talk tomorrow about 'us', and I just don't know what to say to him. I feel hurt and betrayed that he was not there to give me support when I needed it, and he knows that I have been battling having a self harming relapse so I just found it strange that he didn't seem to care. For the record I have always been there for him, but he just never opens up to me. Am I a bad girlfriend? Is he a bad boyfriend? I'd really just like to get peoples advice/opinion on this.

P.S I'm sorry it's so disjointed and weird, it's early in the morning and I'm tired >.> Feel free to ask me to clear anything up. If you've read this far you're amazing.

[Oregongirl]

I don't know what the age of consent is in England, but the age difference between the two of you is kind of concerning to me. Just for the fact that you met in person almost 2 years ago and that would have made you about 15/16 and him 23 or so. When a couple is in their 20's or 30's,etc..., I don't think the gap is that big of deal but being a teenager you are in a different place in your life than he is in his. If he was totally supportive of you he wouldn't have said that he was 'weirded out' by you being emotional. I have been very emotional with my boyfriend and he has never criticized me for it and has always been supportive. I think that you should concentrate on yourself getting better before you get totally tied up in a relationship that isn't emotionally gratifying for you.

[Haley53]

To me, it sounds like he's no longer interested and quite possibly falls into the category of men who are too scared to break up with their girlfriends so they eventually start treating them worse and worse until the girlfriend finally gets it over with, sparing them of the responsibility and absolving them of any guilt that might have come from breaking someone's heart.

Being quite frank, however, it's also quite possible your ages have finally caught up with one another. You are, emotionally and somewhat mentally (mature or not), still 17-going-on-18 and he's an adult probably looking to start his life sometime soon, whereas you still have college, exploration, and discovery left ahead of you. You're quite simply in two different places and so it's possible that is why he's not being as emotionally understanding and reassuring as you are, as he will likely be experiencing and seeing things very differently from you. If not your age, however, he still genuinely sounds completely uninterested and like he's really waiting to either drop the ball or until you finally up and do it. :/

[holdinghands]

I don't know what the age of consent is in England, but the age difference between the two of you is kind of concerning to me. Just for the fact that you met in person almost 2 years ago and that would have made you about 15/16 and him 23 or so. When a couple is in their 20's or 30's,etc..., I don't think the gap is that big of deal but being a teenager you are in a different place in your life than he is in his. If he was totally supportive of you he wouldn't have said that he was 'weirded out' by you being emotional. I have been very emotional with my boyfriend and he has never criticized me for it and has always been supportive. I think that you should concentrate on yourself getting better before you get totally tied up in a relationship that isn't emotionally gratifying for you.

The age of consent is 16 and I met him when I was 16. I know its hard for people to understand that and honestly I feel like our age gap isn't the problem, just in case people are going to criticize us for that.

But I realise you are not, and thank you for that. I see what you are saying but I already feel like we're in too deep, I know that he loves me he just can't express it the same way as other people and breaking up would just cause massive heartache that would be a million times worse than our current situation. I wish we could just take a break maybe until I'm at university in autumn, but I have tried to suggest this but he just freaked out and thought it would lead to us breaking up.

[holdinghands]

To me, it sounds like he's no longer interested and quite possibly falls into the category of men who are too scared to break up with their girlfriends so they eventually start treating them worse and worse until the girlfriend finally gets it over with, sparing them of the responsibility and absolving them of any guilt that might have come from breaking someone's heart.

Being quite frank, however, it's also quite possible your ages have finally caught up with one another. You are, emotionally and somewhat mentally (mature or not), still 17-going-on-18 and he's an adult probably looking to start his life sometime soon, whereas you still have college, exploration, and discovery left ahead of you. You're quite simply in two different places and so it's possible that is why he's not being as emotionally understanding and reassuring as you are, as he will likely be experiencing and seeing things very differently from you. If not your age, however, he still genuinely sounds completely uninterested and like he's really waiting to either drop the ball or until you finally up and do it. :/

Thanks for your reply, I understand what you're saying and I have felt it to be true sometimes, but then when I try and talk to him about it he is adamant that he wants to stay together because he loves me, which is great but still doesn't solve our problem. And I am sure he is being truthful and not trying to get me to break up with him because the last time I almost broke up with him he got really upset and begged me not to leave him, he even cried which is unheard of for him. Personally I think he's got some deep seated issues with opening up to people, because he is an only child whereas I have three sisters all older than me so it's different.
I'm making him sound like such a bad guy, but I swear he's not. That's whats so confusing, he was so sweet and loving up until maybe just before christmas, and I don't know how to get that back.
Also with the age thing, sometimes he says i'm being childish and I just say yeah well I am 17, I think he sometimes forgets that I am actually 8 years younger than him and has unrealistic expectations for how I should behave. I try my best but I don't want to magically 'grow up' just for him, I feel I act the age I am.
Sorry I'm totally just rambling, it feels good to just put down everything that's going on. You people are so patient and kind.

[Haley53]

Well with that information, two things comes to mind:

He's going to need to accept that communication and vulnerability are a part of making a relationship work. I had a friendship with someone who was incapable of opening up, and though it was ultimately his abuse (I realise that your partner is not abusive) that drove me away, his issues with communication caused a lot more problems in our relationship than was necessary, a part of what ran it into the ground was the fact that he was unwilling to be vulnerable; this was a trend in his in-person relationships as well: they often did not last long and most of the complaints were that he could not open up, communicate, and be vulnerable, that he didn't talk anything through, etc. (among others). So the unfortunate thing is that love is not always enough. It takes work and effort and sometimes that means being uncomfortable, feeling vulnerable and exposed, and he's going to need to recognise that if he wants the relationship to work, because a lack of communication can kill any relationship.

Secondly, he is going to need to acknowledge the age gap. I don't criticise it. I don't agree with age gaps, but I understand that everyone has their own situations and feelings about it, so I don't condemn you for it, but I do think it's a factor here, to an extent, because you really are both at different life stages. I mean even physiologically. The very front part of his brain is fully developed by this point, and yours won't be until you hit 24/25 yourself. There are also hormonal differences between someone at 17 and someone at 25, and as I mentioned, there's also the fact you both have had different life experiences and may want different things from your lives in some ways. I think what he needs to understand is that you are 17/almost 18, and you're going to act like it some, if not most, of the time. That's not a bad thing by any means. Enjoy your childhood! Don't squander it. Have fun being 17! But the thing is that you shouldn't have to mature and grow up to automatically be on his level and thus the relationship magically falls into place. The unfortunate thing though is that sometimes two people may love each other a great deal, but they've simply grown apart.

You said he wants to talk about the "us" tomorrow? I would honestly encourage him to be more open with you about what's been going on.

[holdinghands]

Well with that information, two things comes to mind:

He's going to need to accept that communication and vulnerability are a part of making a relationship work. I had a friendship with someone who was incapable of opening up, and though it was ultimately his abuse (I realise that your partner is not abusive) that drove me away, his issues with communication caused a lot more problems in our relationship than was necessary, a part of what ran it into the ground was the fact that he was unwilling to be vulnerable; this was a trend in his in-person relationships as well: they often did not last long and most of the complaints were that he could not open up, communicate, and be vulnerable, that he didn't talk anything through, etc. (among others). So the unfortunate thing is that love is not always enough. It takes work and effort and sometimes that means being uncomfortable, feeling vulnerable and exposed, and he's going to need to recognise that if he wants the relationship to work, because a lack of communication can kill any relationship.

Secondly, he is going to need to acknowledge the age gap. I don't criticise it. I don't agree with age gaps, but I understand that everyone has their own situations and feelings about it, so I don't condemn you for it, but I do think it's a factor here, to an extent, because you really are both at different life stages. I mean even physiologically. The very front part of his brain is fully developed by this point, and yours won't be until you hit 24/25 yourself. There are also hormonal differences between someone at 17 and someone at 25, and as I mentioned, there's also the fact you both have had different life experiences and may want different things from your lives in some ways. I think what he needs to understand is that you are 17/almost 18, and you're going to act like it some, if not most, of the time. That's not a bad thing by any means. Enjoy your childhood! Don't squander it. Have fun being 17! But the thing is that you shouldn't have to mature and grow up to automatically be on his level and thus the relationship magically falls into place. The unfortunate thing though is that sometimes two people may love each other a great deal, but they've simply grown apart.

You said he wants to talk about the "us" tomorrow? I would honestly encourage him to be more open with you about what's been going on.

Yes apart from the abuse (sorry to hear about that) that sounds just like him. And what you say about being vulnerable is so right, it's like he expects us to just function 100% okay all the time and not let each other into our minds.
I agree with you on the age gap, everything you say is like a more eloquent version of what I think, it's wonderful
Yes, we have had a few conversations about 'us' before but they have never really come to anything. What he means is we're going to have a conversation about 'you', and then he'll put everything down to being my fault and things I need to work on. Gah it's so infuriating, and being quite vulnerable myself I always let him talk me into agreeing everything is my problem, he's very good at steering conversations to his own advantage. So i'm just sat there hating myself and he's still 100% fine. Sorry ranting again!

[Haley53]

Yes apart from the abuse (sorry to hear about that) that sounds just like him. And what you say about being vulnerable is so right, it's like he expects us to just function 100% okay all the time and not let each other into our minds.
I agree with you on the age gap, everything you say is like a more eloquent version of what I think, it's wonderful
Yes, we have had a few conversations about 'us' before but they have never really come to anything. What he means is we're going to have a conversation about 'you', and then he'll put everything down to being my fault and things I need to work on. Gah it's so infuriating, and being quite vulnerable myself I always let him talk me into agreeing everything is my problem, he's very good at steering conversations to his own advantage. So i'm just sat there hating myself and he's still 100% fine. Sorry ranting again!

I honestly feel like I'd call him out on it. I would tell him that if he wants to have a conversation and point out where you could do better, fine, you're open to hearing it, but if he's going to talk about his needs, then it's only fair you get to talk about your needs too. I don't think I could ever have conversations with someone who constantly twisted and manipulated everything into being my fault. It's only fair he listen to issues you're having with him as well.

I suppose the reason this is so concerning for me is because my friend was like that as well. :P And he never improved, even when I told him that as much as I wanted to, I could not run the entire relationship on my own, because I was not the only one who had things to work on, same as every other couple (our relationship was complicated, lol). Perhaps it's time to talk to your boyfriend about the fact that you have wants/needs too and if the relationship is to grow and flourish, he's going to need to start listening to them more and communicating better?

[holdinghands]

I honestly feel like I'd call him out on it. I would tell him that if he wants to have a conversation and point out where you could do better, fine, you're open to hearing it, but if he's going to talk about his needs, then it's only fair you get to talk about your needs too. I don't think I could ever have conversations with someone who constantly twisted and manipulated everything into being my fault. It's only fair he listen to issues you're having with him as well.

I suppose the reason this is so concerning for me is because my friend was like that as well. :P And he never improved, even when I told him that as much as I wanted to, I could not run the entire relationship on my own, because I was not the only one who had things to work on, same as every other couple (our relationship was complicated, lol). Perhaps it's time to talk to your boyfriend about the fact that you have wants/needs too and if the relationship is to grow and flourish, he's going to need to start listening to them more and communicating better?

Well we just had the 'talk' he suggested, and my goodness it was worrying. I said the things you said, like how he needed to accept that communication and vulnerability are part of making a relationship work and he just said 'says who?' and refused to admit that he was doing anything wrong. I called him up on the fact that he never talks about his feelings and he just said that he preffered to hide things until they went away, which is not what I wanted to hear! The more the conversation went on the more worried I became, he just sounded so foreign and heartless and not the man I fell in love with. He's gone to get food now and he'll be back in a bit, I just hope he can maybe help to make some progress towards having a better relationship when he does.

[lucybelle]

Man I hate to say it, but maybe he just doesn't have interest in you anymore. I'm 24 and I don't think I could hang out with a 17 year old for more than a few hours without being driven mad. To me, 8 years really isn't that much difference. But when one of them is in their teens, it is.

If he can't even take you seriously when you bring up valid points, you might be better without him. He doesn't accept anything is wrong and refuses to improve to save the relationship? Forget it. Not worth your time.

[holdinghands]

Man I hate to say it, but maybe he just doesn't have interest in you anymore. I'm 24 and I don't think I could hang out with a 17 year old for more than a few hours without being driven mad. To me, 8 years really isn't that much difference. But when one of them is in their teens, it is.

If he can't even take you seriously when you bring up valid points, you might be better without him. He doesn't accept anything is wrong and refuses to improve to save the relationship? Forget it. Not worth your time.

To be honest I agreed with you 100% when I was talking today, but we had a good talk about everything and he has promised to be more open and supportive towards me which is good. I just had to be more assertive than usual, but I think it was a learning curve for both of us.
Thanks everyone for your replies