HELP Surprise visit upcoming, but last night he turned off his phone mid conversation

[usmcgirl]

I have an odd question...
Is his new job better paying/puts him in a better position than his last? Because it sounds like he's getting a little bit egotistical, and taking this new-found confidence and turning it into an abusive nature. Something you really DO NOT need in a man. It's totally up to you but I'd drop him, honey. I'm sorry, I know it must be hard to hear this but... it sounds needed.
I agree with a few others who've responded, I'm very angry on your behalf. No girl deserves to be treated like this!

[carolynred]

Oh my, what you are going through is exactly how I felt with my ex. Its the worst feeling in the world I know. With my ex, he began ignoring me and got mad when I tried to have some type of conversation because he was "too busy" with his music career. He eventually blocked me as well, and I was more than upset. It became an unhealthy condition for me, at the time I had loved him, and I blindly convinced myself that maybe he was just going through a phase (he had a lot going on at once in his life). Weeks went by that he wouldn't talk to me and he would ignore me on purpose. I found out eventually he was flirting with the drum major of the band he was in while I was at camp. At one point I knew I had to give him up because I was such a mess. After we broke up, I was amazed at how much better I felt.

Now, with that being said, that does not mean the same will happen to you. Every situation is different, but I remember feeling so similar to how you are right now. What I would recommend is just take a step back and breathe. Remember, even though you are in a relationship, you still need to make sure that YOU are ok. Do NOT let this make you feel worse to where it makes you ill any farther. Its not fair to you. Now, you said you love him still, nothing wrong with that. Take this time where he is not talking to you to step back and try to act like your life is only about you. Take him out of the picture as much as you can and see how you feel. If you feel slightly better, perhaps consider the idea of moving on. You need to take care of yourself at this point since he does not want to at all. Let yourself live, don't be like me and wait till some miracle will happen. If he doesn't change anytime soon, it probably won't change at all.

What I learned form my relationship with my ex is that there is no relationship at all when one is giving their all and the other gives nothing at all. A relationship is a companionship where two people work together for one another. You sound like such a loving girlfriend and person, and you need someone who will reflect that back upon you. I would just not talk to him for some time. My boyfriend right now says that guys cannot stand when the girl stops talking or communicating because that shows that we have moved on and don't need the guy. When we grasp at their heals with worry, it just feeds the ego. Detach from him for some time and see how you feel. You don't need to need to break up now, I know a break up is probably the last thing you want to hear, but give yourself some time to breathe and live. Right now YOU are the only important thing.

I hope you are doing ok, just please feel better soon. It broke my heart when I read your posts. You are so loyal and caring and don't need to be going through this.

[SquishyLove]

To me personally, he's already crossed the line as far as what *I'd* be willing to put up with, ever. You have a high pain threshold because of the nature of your last relationship, but I wouldn't let that cloud your judgment right now. Your current beau is doing things that I consider emotionally abusive. One of my exes was exclusively manipulative and emotionally abusive for years but didn't do anything physical so I found ways to excuse it and highlight his "redeeming qualities" and try to ignore the overwhelming assholery that was his personality...until I finally woke up and saw the damage it was doing to my psyche and self-esteem. He did cross over into becoming physical with me during the altercation that turned out to be our final fight, and I broke up with him the following day. So the ones who are "merely" emotionally abusive or want to be in control CAN cross over and get physical at some point. It honestly scares me.

Listen to what YOU really want. From the outside, it seems like you want to get away, or at least for now you want to avoid him. You want a happy relationship, you're not getting it from this guy, but you think you should make it work. A good relationship will not have to be forced. It will just FLOW naturally. Yes, it will require work and compromise, which generally requires TWO well-adjusted, mature, level-headed people. Those two people generally are NOT arrogant or proud. You do not have any obligation to visit him if you don't want to right now. He's put you through enough already.

I'm reading your posts and from what I can see, you're answering your own questions. It just hurts you to have to acknowledge these answers. I understand. But think long-term beyond the fear of being "alone." Think more long-term about years and years of this kind of treatment. I think whether or not he's cheating isn't anything you can prove at this point, and I don't advise bringing that up. What matters is that he treats you like shit, you keep going back, and you're teaching him that he will still have you there at the end of the day no matter how he treats you. Do you think that's actually healthy?

One thing I've learned is that people generally don't change the core elements of their personality over time, and the same goes for how they act in relationships. For example, I'm a giving lover, and have always taken care of those I love as best I could. I've always given 110% in my relationships, even when I was getting less than 10% back. The main asshole ex I have (spent the longest time with, ugh) also never changed. Learning from a longtime friend of his more about his past helped me to see the light, as well as putting myself into some decent therapy for a time shortly after ending things with him.

To this ex, it was always my fault, I was always the problem, I was "crazy" for wanting to be treated with dignity like a human being, etc. If I was upset or angry because of how he treated me and showed any emotion about it at all, again, I was crazy. He was always right and I was always wrong, no matter what. If I wanted to be treated as though I were actually his girlfriend at all, I was being "clingy" or "controlling" too...so I know that old song! Finally, I learned that he just has a craptastic personality and I was a normal person dealing with/reacting to a stressful and dysfunctional relationship in a NORMAL way.

For years, I defended him to others, and I highlighted his "redeeming qualities". Everyone has *some* redeeming qualities, and in this situation I think it's dangerous for you to let them blind you. I'm only being this candid because I hope that sharing my past experience can help keep someone else from being hurt as much as I was by my ex, or at least help the person evaluate their situation and think about it more.

I hope for the best for you. I know it sounds really cliche, but there are a lot of really nice guys in the world who will treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. You need more than love to have a healthy relationship. Maturity, a sense of responsibility on the part of both partners to give and care for the other and make them happy (my fiance tells me he is incapable of having ANY fun or being indifferent if I'm sad or not feeling well, for example), and very important, the ability to keep the ego at rest and not have to be the "right" one or in control. Real love isn't about control, being right, or winning over the other person. Real love is mutual, natural, and flows. Just think hard about this one, because your well-being IS at stake here.

[Joni]

My fiance sometimes is emotionally abusive to me and honestly it sounds like yours is too. And dont just take it from him. Stand up for yourself. No guy should say anything like that to a girl. Just be more mature an give him space. Dont go chasing him.

[AJD+JLH]

Detach from him for some time and see how you feel. You don't need to need to break up now, I know a break up is probably the last thing you want to hear, but give yourself some time to breathe and live. Right now YOU are the only important thing.

I hope you are doing ok, just please feel better soon. It broke my heart when I read your posts. You are so loyal and caring and don't need to be going through this.

thanks for saying this, carolyn...I really can't handle the thought of a break-up at the moment, but I don't feel like talking to him either. Ugh. I'm hurting pretty bad. I am just so confused...why did he give me a ring for our anniversary and make the holidays/anniversary so sweet and memorable? He was so sweet and sincere that he literally made me cry with his card and the ring. But then he got this other job and totally changed on me (yes usmcgirl, it's still a temp job only, but he does make more and gets a lot more perks -- he makes $200 a day every day, regardless of if he works or not. company credit card, lots of perks). I'm so sad, because after my ex, I vowed to be more careful before getting involved with anyone. Things were perfect when we were CD...why are things so shitty now that we are LD? I'm so confused and sad. Things were even OK when we were part-time LD, and he came home on the weekends only or every other weekend.

You're so sweet carolyn. Thank you for being there for me. I don't know what I'd do without yall. I don't really have too many friends, being as I am incredibly shy. So, that makes times like these even harder.

[usmcgirl]

(yes usmcgirl, it's still a temp job only, but he does make more and gets a lot more perks -- he makes $200 a day every day, regardless of if he works or not. company credit card, lots of perks)

Yeah, it soundslike he's a little egotistical now. He's feeling big & bad, etc etc. and thinks that he should exude some control over the very sweet girl who's in love with him, so that he can feel big. God, I would LOVE to go off on this guy. Feel better honey, and pm if you need ANYTHING. Stay strong. <3

[carolynred]

You're welcome dearie. You deserve as much care as you can get at this time. When I was going through this I didn't have anyone who knew what it was like in any way, so it took me wayyyyy to long to know how to handle things and know what to do. I wanted to help you as much as I can because I know its a terrible place to be in.

As always, boys can sometimes just be plain out confusing. XD I agree with you that it doesn't make sense why the change in distance would cause THIS dramatic of effect in your relationship. BUT I also learned, slowly of course, that worrying about things we cannot control just makes things worse. You have done all you can in this situation for him, now do what you can for yourself. Let him come to you to prove his worth. If he still loves you just as much (even though he's terrible at showing it right now) then he will come back, and if not then there is your sign to move on.

My mother gave me the best piece of encouragement, so I'll say to you, "You are woman, you are strong!". Even though you may not feel strong at all, know that deep down you are and you will be ok no matter which way this turns out. Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to listen. I'd be happy to help in any way I can. I'm more than happy to be a shoulder you can lay your head down on, virtually of course.

[usmcgirl]

I know I'm commenting on this a lot, but I'm really worried about you. Maybe him coming will be a good thing; you can talk things out, be straight with him. And if it goes bad, just kick him out. Keep your cell on you while your talking so that if he gets violent, you have an ecspace.

[AJD+JLH]

As always, boys can sometimes just be plain out confusing. XD I agree with you that it doesn't make sense why the change in distance would cause THIS dramatic of effect in your relationship. BUT I also learned, slowly of course, that worrying about things we cannot control just makes things worse. You have done all you can in this situation for him, now do what you can for yourself. Let him come to you to prove his worth. If he still loves you just as much (even though he's terrible at showing it right now) then he will come back, and if not then there is your sign to move on.

My mother gave me the best piece of encouragement, so I'll say to you, "You are woman, you are strong!". Even though you may not feel strong at all, know that deep down you are and you will be ok no matter which way this turns out. Feel free to send me a message if you need someone to listen. I'd be happy to help in any way I can. I'm more than happy to be a shoulder you can lay your head down on, virtually of course.

Thank you so much sweetheart! You are so kind, and you don't know how much your friendship means to me. I will DEF write you a message tomorrow updating on the situation. I have a feeling he is going to call me tonight from his hotel, around 12 or 1 am my time. Just because that's what is convenient for him. Ugh. I don't know yet if I will answer or not - I suppose it will be a spur of the moment decision. Thank you for understand that I am pretty shocked as to why a change in a job could cause this dramatic of a shift in our relationship. It seems so so so odd to me, and I cannot figure it out. But like you said, it's impossible to control other people, so why try. I guess that's what I haven't been bawling my eyes out all day - I've just been feeling bummed bc I am cut out of his life and completely disconnected. I don't even know where he is. It's all so stressful. Especially for someone with anxiety disorders and panic attack problems (but I've been staying SUPER calm, so I am incredibly proud of myself for that!!!)

You're amazing, and I am so glad I am getting to know you, even though it's over a shitty situation! XO tty tmrw!

[AJD+JLH]

I know I'm commenting on this a lot, but I'm really worried about you. Maybe him coming will be a good thing; you can talk things out, be straight with him. And if it goes bad, just kick him out. Keep your cell on you while your talking so that if he gets violent, you have an ecspace.

Thanks for being here for me. This is a really rough time. Imagine having the guy who gets you a beautiful promise ring and you have spend 1 blissful year with suddenly change and start treating you like shit. It's so sad. I was kind of thinking like you though, at least if he comes here we will talk face to face. On the other hand, if he doesn't come, I don't have to make any decisions just yet and can give things time. He means a lot to me, and until this job, we were perfect. So it makes it hard to decide what to do.

If he does come, though I will be keeping my phone on. He hasn't gotten violent, really, in the past. The worst thing he has ever done is thrown glass bottles, a flower vase, etc etc and broken it near me. Which was super scary considering he knows my history with my ex.

I will def take you up on your offer and write you a message tomorrow updating you. Like I was telling carolyn, he will probably call me tonight around 12 or 1 am. And I probably won't decide if I will or will not answer until he calls -- it's tough to know what I will want to do until it happens. I also am assuming he will be here tomorrow night around 8. He is getting in to the airport at 6 and it takes him a few hours to drive from his city to mine. It's a long story, but he will likely have to come bc he has some belongings at his old apt. that he needs to move to his new apt. in his city. Whether or not I see him is yet to be determined.

I'm just generally bummed. I worked a lot this week and am a full time college student, so I'm exhausted, and waiting up to speak with him every night only amplifies my migraines, stress, anxiety, and overall unhappiness. And yet somehow I still miss him.

XO girl. Love you. So glad you are here for me!! I don't know what I'd do without you.

[usmcgirl]

Thanks for being here for me. This is a really rough time. Imagine having the guy who gets you a beautiful promise ring and you have spend 1 blissful year with suddenly change and start treating you like shit. It's so sad. I was kind of thinking like you though, at least if he comes here we will talk face to face. On the other hand, if he doesn't come, I don't have to make any decisions just yet and can give things time. He means a lot to me, and until this job, we were perfect. So it makes it hard to decide what to do.

If he does come, though I will be keeping my phone on. He hasn't gotten violent, really, in the past. The worst thing he has ever done is thrown glass bottles, a flower vase, etc etc and broken it near me. Which was super scary considering he knows my history with my ex.

I will def take you up on your offer and write you a message tomorrow updating you. Like I was telling carolyn, he will probably call me tonight around 12 or 1 am. And I probably won't decide if I will or will not answer until he calls -- it's tough to know what I will want to do until it happens. I also am assuming he will be here tomorrow night around 8. He is getting in to the airport at 6 and it takes him a few hours to drive from his city to mine. It's a long story, but he will likely have to come bc he has some belongings at his old apt. that he needs to move to his new apt. in his city. Whether or not I see him is yet to be determined.

I'm just generally bummed. I worked a lot this week and am a full time college student, so I'm exhausted, and waiting up to speak with him every night only amplifies my migraines, stress, anxiety, and overall unhappiness. And yet somehow I still miss him.

XO girl. Love you. So glad you are here for me!! I don't know what I'd do without you.

Love you too honey And okay. I'll be looking for it. Hope things go okay, and this gets worked out. I'd hate to see everything you guy (or maybe just you...) have worked for go down the drain.

[AJD+JLH]

To me personally, he's already crossed the line as far as what *I'd* be willing to put up with, ever. You have a high pain threshold because of the nature of your last relationship, but I wouldn't let that cloud your judgment right now. Your current beau is doing things that I consider emotionally abusive.

Listen to what YOU really want. From the outside, it seems like you want to get away, or at least for now you want to avoid him. You want a happy relationship, you're not getting it from this guy, but you think you should make it work. A good relationship will not have to be forced. It will just FLOW naturally. Yes, it will require work and compromise, which generally requires TWO well-adjusted, mature, level-headed people. Those two people generally are NOT arrogant or proud. You do not have any obligation to visit him if you don't want to right now. He's put you through enough already.

I'm reading your posts and from what I can see, you're answering your own questions. It just hurts you to have to acknowledge these answers. I understand. But think long-term beyond the fear of being "alone." Think more long-term about years and years of this kind of treatment. I think whether or not he's cheating isn't anything you can prove at this point, and I don't advise bringing that up. What matters is that he treats you like shit, you keep going back, and you're teaching him that he will still have you there at the end of the day no matter how he treats you. Do you think that's actually healthy?

One thing I've learned is that people generally don't change the core elements of their personality over time, and the same goes for how they act in relationships.

I hope for the best for you. I know it sounds really cliche, but there are a lot of really nice guys in the world who will treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. You need more than love to have a healthy relationship. Maturity, a sense of responsibility on the part of both partners to give and care for the other and make them happy (my fiance tells me he is incapable of having ANY fun or being indifferent if I'm sad or not feeling well, for example), and very important, the ability to keep the ego at rest and not have to be the "right" one or in control. Real love isn't about control, being right, or winning over the other person. Real love is mutual, natural, and flows. Just think hard about this one, because your well-being IS at stake here.

Fuck I had this entire long post typed out to you Squishy. FML, it deleted on me. I just wanted to thank you for your willingness to shoot straight with me, say difficult things to me, and be open and honest with me. I appreciate especially your affirmation that you would not put up with this type of treatment. My ex caused me to have some self esteem issues, and it is very helpful when people give me affirmation and "permission" to do things or feel certain feelings. Jare knows that too, but that is the thing that drives me mad about him - he can never give me affirmation. And all people need affirmation, especially to build more self confidence. So thanks, girl. You have no idea how much your post meant to me. I will be re-reading this a few times to soak up all the knowledge.

Also, what do I do about the fact that he is still planning to come tomorrow evening? I just feel like I'd rather not see him, but how do I get in touch with him? Like others have said, I don't really want to contact him and give him that satisfaction at this point.

Also, the only reason I can't give up on him is because we were so awesome until this new job. We were perfect CD, we were amazing and beautiful and seamless LD during his first job, and then this job, the job from hell. And also, why would he give me a ring and then start being such a prick?

Sorry this isn't a long post. My beautiful long one got deleted somehow when I was typing. So it goes. xoxo. I love you all, the fact that so many people have read my sob story and given me affirmation has really, really made dealing with this shitty ass day a lot easier. I love you ladies. Thanks for your support and friendship. A simple post can keep someone going, never forget that.

---------- Post added at 11:04 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:02 PM ----------

Love you too honey And okay. I'll be looking for it. Hope things go okay, and this gets worked out. I'd hate to see everything you guy (or maybe just you...) have worked for go down the drain.

thank you so much for saying that hun! it's hard to feel like people don't think I should be with him (even if it's true, which it may well be), so to have you say that you hope we can fix shit makes me feel really good. you are so sweet! we will be in touch tomorrow hun! love ya girl! and thanks for everything!!! xox the kindness of people you hardly know is so profound and really is making an impact on me. you are amazing.

[AJD+JLH]

I am going to leave him. Right now he is out with his co-workers drinking "to celebrate their last night in OKC..." WHAT A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG. WHAT AN IDIOT. seriously. what a fucking idiot!!!!!! He cares more about his co-workers than me, and that is not OK. he is still planning to come visit me, but I won't be home, that's for fucking sure! GOD he just sent me the most douchey text ever. What a loser.

[carolynred]

Oh gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. You deserve so much better. He's not worth to have someone as great as you.

[AJD+JLH]

He said he can't call me tonight because he is out with them. That probably means he is getting shit faced and fucking some bitch. I hate him, I'm leaving him, and I don't care!