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**sardonis** · January 28, 2012, 08:05 PM

What did your ex do to you?

I'm the same way with my SO. I love her to pieces and I get depressed and anxious if I don't get to talk to her for a few hours at least on messenger or skype...more and more it's skype or at least falling to sleep with her on the phone in the last couple weeks. If you're anxious and want to talk to him and communicate, do little things he'll come back to when he comes online. I find pleasure and solace in my anxiety by one way contacting her, letting her know I'm here and thinking of her makes me feel better. SO I'll text her lovey dovey words in a way that there is no question asked(just a one way *kisses you* or *Reaches up, pushes your beautiful hair from your even more gorgeous pair of blue's, as I lean in and lightly touch your lips before..."), sometimes (I wrtie a couple thousand words of a naughty story for her(something she likes a lot recently), or hell, TMI: occasionally masturbate furiously to naughty stuff of her to get it out of my system and usually do more naughty with her when she gets online.

Stop being dependent on him for your happiness. You've locked yourself in a cycle of your feelings. He's gone and you get excited, and needing him, causing you to get anxiety and depressed. He's not dead, he's going to be there when he can for you, but you need to work on being your own person and making your own happiness in the interludes of your partnership. A relationship is done no favors by one party being dependent like that.

Meditative actions might help, distracting and calming yourself and clearing your mind. Take up a very active occupation or hobby to burn of your anxiety. Try to assuage yourself of those feelings through outlets. Sitting and staring at the computer, having anxiety ping every time someone logs onto skype hoping it's him, is not helping you remain calm.

If you can't find healthy ways to detract from your anxiety, I strong suggest (Second time tonight I've suggested this to someone) get counseling to understand why you feel that way and how you can redirect that energy to something more productive than turning yourself inside out.

**Zapookie** · January 28, 2012, 09:45 PM

I used to do this. I would sit around waiting and waiting and it just made me feel sad or lonely all the time, and yet it was something I was doing to myself.

The best thing you can do is find something that YOU enjoy, and do that. Do it in your free time, instead of sitting in front of the computer waiting. Yeah, you can leave your computer on just in case he calls, but don't stare at it while you're doing what you're supposed to do. Or you could even switch off the computer for a couple of hours and get out of the house and go for a walk, maybe take some music with you.

You need to be a little more independent within your relationship. It is nice to have someone to lean on and be there for you, but it isn't OK to completely depend on them for your happiness, because when they're gone, your happiness and sanity is gone too. I do other stuff to occupy my time when my SO isn't online just go that I don't drive myself up the wall.

**Bethypoo** · January 29, 2012, 01:24 AM

[QUOTE=Ivy;180479]
1. I can't handle the "going out withouth ..." part.
2. I don't go out a lot ( if it's not work,college or once a month cinema or smthg) . I just sit home, and wait for him to come home. ( Pathetic, I know)
3.I recently (past year or so) found that friends are so rare, and I have like ..... 2 of them in my life - busy people also so I don't really have people to see a lot. And I am so communicative and social in general. If I don't have a bf - I am all over the city all the time.
4.He doesn't seem to mind telling me " I will come home at 10" or txting me "I do this with this person and I come home then and i love you" He is doing it and i love this. He thinks about me.

I think all of these are normal. One thing you have to remember, is that he is not your ex and you cant treat him as if he would do the same things. It isnt fair and is just asking for issues.

As for points 1-3, it does suck for him to be able to go out and you not go. But you cant dwell on that. If you WANT to go out, then go. My SO and I talk every night, but on Thursdays we text but we go out and do our own thing with our friends. Even in LDRs you need that. So try and preoccupy yourself in some way whether it is going and doing something out of the house (shopping/errands) or in the house (cleaning, pampering) just do stuff that you need to do. As for the friends part. Many people have acquaintances. But If people are lucky, they will have only a handful of real "to the end friends" and that is all you need. But try not to excommunicate them. Make an effort to go out and do stuff with them even if it is small. You cant wait for him all day, though we all want to talk all day. But unfortunately we don't have that luxury and need to figure out a way to work with that.

Point 4: It is good that he lets you know that just because you are physically together or talking, that you are on his mind. As he is on yours and I hope you tell him the same thing.

As for everything else; it seems to me like you are scared of what has happened in the past that you are trying to over compensate and therefore in some ways losing yourself not in him but in the relationship. You are in the relationship, you just need to relax and you know what you do and dont want. Work with him on what works for you both and let your relationship grow. But don't lose yourself in trying to micro manage it and being scared about not talking every 5 minutes. Also, with the being upset all of the time and somewhat picking the fights, it seems like you are just mad at the distance. It isn't his fault, you need to remind him of that and that you just are dealing with the situation. I am going though this currently (and for the 2nd time with my SO).

He seems very loving and understanding. Let your relationship be what it is and just enjoy it. I hope I helped somewhat and if you need anything else feel free to PM me.

**Ivy** · January 29, 2012, 03:04 AM

Sardonis - Thanks for the answer, I've been thru the consultant thing before, and it kind of not helps. I am such a lost cause!

Zapookie and Bethypoo - Thanks girls for the posts. You know, both of you mention the "independent in the relationship" thing. I am trying to figure out WHY I do this and WHY I can't seem to let go of the fact that we live apart - he works 8 hours , I quit job recently so now all I have is studying. Even the though of me moving there is not reconciling me, maybe because it's too big step to move on the other side of Europe. Really, I feel more like If we don't speak everyday every possible second we are no longer CLOSE = no longer in meaningful relationship. (I start to hate weekends because like every normal person he wants to do things weekends and I am a moody b.... because he's doing it with other people ,and not me! What a selfish little thing I am

(( ) Is that totally crazy??

Issue with my ex don't really concern me, because it happened more than 3 years ago AND I got over it. It's the taste of distance, and the bitterness of WHAT IF .... I moved to my ex and 1 day after he told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. And yes I moved with all my bags and clothes and bye bye's to my family. It's kind of making me have this visuals in my head of OH THERE IT GOES AGAIN! But really, my guy is repeating me constantly that he loves me, he understands that I have my bad days and I can't handle a lot of emotions when stressed. Or PMS. :X

And after yesterday's fight I told him that we must remain understanding on both of us having bad days and respect this because it affects as much as we don't want to. He hates skype, I hate it, but it's our connection. So I told him we should stuck on this for 3 more months. And because he was unfamiliar with LDR before me, I really gave him advice that is NOTHING like a normal relationship so he must be ready to do things he wouldn't normally do ( as staying on skype all the time) He is understanding, and we have talks a lot, but sometimes is his strange tiredness I see and it scares me. That if I continue not being there .... it will get worse.

**11MikesGirl21** · January 29, 2012, 03:44 AM

You don't need to speak to your SO every day to still have a functional relationship, even when you are CD. My SO and I started out CD, and even then we would have times where we both just needed some breathing room and space. We had the same friends so hanging out unless there was a boys' night or girls' night declared we were always together. Sometimes we just needed to do our own thing. Even if that was sitting in our dorms rooms (in the same building a floor apart) listening to music or napping; or when one or both of us had work.

If anything dialing back a little on our communication, since we've adjusted well to the distance has helped me and my SO not be so testy with each other as we were when we started the distance. I've gone from telling him every little thing; to only texting him when I honestly have a free moment or something made me think of him. I'm klutz and I find all the puddles on campus even when they're quite obvious and he thinks it's the best thing in the world. So I texted him about it, got a "hehehe" back and that was pretty much the end of that conversation until our days winded down and we could actually sit down for a couple hours and IM. He does the same thing with me, like two days ago he was in a book store and saw a replica of Bella's ring from Breaking Dawn. He knows I like the story so he took a picture and sent it to me to tease me about it.

And you have to remember that an LDR is just that-a long distance RELATIONSHIP. And every relationship is different for every couple. Some communicate well by talking in detail, some like my SO and I communicate better when we write a letter and pass it off in person, some do it in even other ways. Being in an LDR doesn't mean you're automactically confined to skype (maybe you are for financial purposes--I'm not entirely sure). I personally hate video chat period and his internet isn't the most reliable when both cams are connected, so we have never done one. We've gone on cam one way where he can see me when we do what we do with skype--which is honestly only one thing

, if you get what I mean. The rest of our communication mostly is text, IM, or email. We throw in a phone call when that's easier to do or when it works out. Figure out what works for both of you and do it. It may be skype, it may not be if you both don't like it.

In the meantime, take up a hobby or start working out. Do something to get you to stop waiting around for him. I don't do a whole lot besides work and school; but I do make a point to not wait around for him, even if I'm just watching a movie or surfing the internet. And he's gotten the hint a little bit. When I'm not online, he'll text me telling/asking me to get online so he can talk to me. If I can just then I do; if not he waits. Don't schedule your life ENTIRELY around him. Yes it's good to schedule some time FOR him; but it's YOUR time, not HIS as selfish as that sounds. You have a life to live too; go out and live it.

And you're both going to get tired and frustrated with the distance. My SO and I have already and we've only just started. But we both know we can and want to do it because we want to be together. My SO told me the other night when I was discussing graduate school with him that he doesn't care where I go, I could go to Asia for all he cares, as long as I don't sell myself short. He doesn't care how long the distance, or if the distance gets greater is as long as it ends someday and in the meantime I'm doing whatever it is I want to do or need to do for my education or my future teaching career, because he wants to be with me and he loves me. Your SO feels the same way otherwise he wouldn't be in an LDR in the first place. You have to remember that. Get the "What if's" out of your head and live in the now.

**rubydissolution** · January 29, 2012, 04:24 AM

I really wish I could offer you some really good advice, but, I can see myself in everything you described. My SO n I have been together over a year, and I've been struggling with all these issues. I've tried picking up hobbies, hanging out with friends, leaving my cell at home and mostly trying not to take the things he does and does not do personally. ITS HARD!! All my closest friends (most of them from High school) no longer live in the area, its hard to make play dates with them. I really don't make friends easily, I have a handful so I spend most of my time at home when i'm not working. (I work 2 jobs). But I find myself in the same loop as you, when I'm home I wait for him to show. I wait for texts sometimes. I start fights over things that really shouldn't be fought over. I think its just who we are, i'm an introvert and a pessimist...END.

All I can say is try try to keep your insecurities and emotions under control, they'll just drive him away and that's not something you want i'm sure. Take a step back when you feel a fight coming on and say to yourself 'ok you are totalllllly overreacting here!". Think of things from his perspective more, put yourself in his shoes. I know you mentioned that you understand where he's coming from, but really really put yourself in his shoes. It helps sometimes. That's all I can really offer atm, like i said i'm struggling too. GL! =)

**Ivy** · January 29, 2012, 05:16 AM

Fellow LDR-ers .... you inspire me , most of you are just strong people and handle situations with grace! Good! I am just the kind of person who has two sides - WHEN I was single - I think I had more dates than Jennifer Anniston for her whole life ( like,only dates, no kisses even)- I am communicative, veeery outgoing, crazy, partying, never staying home, looking and looking for things and people . And when I I found my LD love, well ..... I turned into the other ME,and I don't mind it. It doesn't even bother me I spend 90% of my free time home. I just sit here, "browse" internet but same time I look at the corner of my computer to show me "you love is now online" Jeez...
It's too cold weather now to have my usual activities for "distracting" - such as jogging. Impossible in the snow. What you said about hobbies is totally true, thing is if I go out - I have like a ticking clock in my head and I just go out for the sake of GOING OUT sometimes - yes I enjoy the loud and crowded places and people but once I remind that my love is on the computer at home, OR even worse - is out and may come home and not find me ------ tsk... should I say, I jog to the taxi. Is this totally stupid? Like...totally? I find it outrageous if he comes home and calls me and I'm not there to pick up. It's like I'm not there for him. So that's why I am always here - so when he calls - I can pick up.Always.

He is obviously encouraging me to go out, do this do that - he is always saying Come on,I'm here don't worry go out and call me when you're back. He seems to be ok with this, and me going out and all. I get crazy when he goes out to bar or pub or club and I think about how much fun he has, and with other people - and where the hell am I...... why is it I can't share the outgoing fun with him???? It sucks to have a way of thinking like mine. I tried t change it. It's like trying to take our your own eye!

He even noticed that everytime he goes out,after he comes back I am not in a mood, sad, angry, annoyed or something similar. I was refusing to confess, but eventually I did and told him I get so frustrated by this distance and it keeps me from being my bubbly crazy loving self. And his answer is always " I love you baby". The guy is not flawless, but most of him is really gentle and cool.

Since we're together we try to travel almost every 40 days because it gets too much stress otherwise. He was here for New Year, wit my family and left overs of friends... and now I am going for 10 days, in 10 days! And after that It gets worse.... I will have my last semester of college, last exam session in april-may. And this is when we may not see for 2 months - I don't want to think what will happen with my messed up self.
You all give me so much to hold on to. You give me the "sisterhood/brotherhood" feeling that I am not alone!

**Haley53** · January 29, 2012, 12:14 PM

I'm going to be bold here and suggest that some of this may also play into an issue of self-esteem/self-worth.

It sounds as though you're completely wrapped up in your SO, but even when you're not, you're still out there in the dating ring. You may not kiss them, the relationships may not go anywhere, but you claim yourself you're constantly out there seeking activity and people and you "had more dates than Jennifer Aniston." To me this sounds like an issue of someone who has difficulty being single because they have a hard time validating themselves, and if you have insecurities and such a dependent need for closeness that you've sacrificed your fun-loving, outgoing, more extroverted self to be home for someone who validates you with his reassurance, this only furthers my perspective. Even if you're over your ex, if there were any form of emotional abuse in that relationship, it would have left something on your emotional self and really only perpetuated the subconscious beliefs that you hold.

One thing I might consider is taking some time to refind you. When my SO's mother passed away, I became so completely exhausted and emotionally drained of everything, but it was because I was putting so much into that relationship. Because his mother passed away, and because there was a time he took a break from our relationship to get on his feet after being swiped off, and because I was feeling so insecure, I gave up a lot that I loved to do to be online/around my phone (moreso around my phone, as he did not have access to the internet for a good month or so, and because the phone-function of his phone did not work, we could only speak via text). When he finally did move into a new place and when he finally did have internet, I further sacrificed what I wanted/needed because I wanted to be sure I was there for him 110% of the time. The thing is that I lost so much of myself in doing it that I lost sight of what I loved and who I was, and it ended up utting a lot of strain on the relationship, because being so reliant on him and his conversations began playing a part in my behaviour.

What I ultimately ended up doing was started out "small" again. When I had homework to do, I would not bring my laptop to school, which would mean it was not as easy to talk with him via MSN so that I could get my homework done. I started jogging in the mornings and/or evenings again. Recently I have signed up for Kickboxing and Yoga classes and I have stuck to going to them even though I sometimes have to end our conversation early and he won't be online when I come home. I am planning on talking to someone I met last quarter in one of my classes and seeing if she'd like to hang out some point this week or next. And what I've found? Is that I'm happier. It's happier getting back to where I used to be, to where I could have confidence in us and in our relationship and to where I could feel secure leaving the computer to go do something that I enjoy. I still go to the beach, go out to eat/lunch with my family, and the list goes on. I even have a day-long Kayaking trip planned for a weekend in February! And this doesn't seem like much. It's not going out every day and being away from my computer all hours of it, but they're things I'm doing for me and even if they aren't a packed social schedule, I am 100% happier than I was when I was doing nothing but waiting for his text or IM.

I would challenge you to find something you like to do as well. You may not be able to jog but don't let that be an excuse. Look into the fees for your YMCA or the community centre, look at what classes are being offered at a community college (you can often take PE classes without having to be a full-time student there), look at what's being offered in your community. Maybe there's martial arts and that's something you've always wanted to give a try. Maybe there's something meditative and relaxing like yoga. Maybe there's something more active and intense like kickboxing. It's not a party, but it's something that will only keep you away from your computer 1-2 hours at a time, it's an amazing endorphin/adrenal upper, and you can often meet and socialise with others in your classes. It's, in my opinion, a good starting point. From there, let's say you plan an outing, it's going to be a matter of self-control. Let your boyfriend know you're going out, maybe set a cap on the text limit (a few check-in texts throughout the night), but also let him know you probably won't be online. That way, you can pretty much guarantee he won't be sitting there, and you won't need to jump in the next taxi home. Set limits with your partner, sort of how I did with not bringing my laptop to school. :P

I think what you need to understand is that closeness and how much you mean to someone is not solely dependent on being able to talk with that person every minute of every day. Your personal worth not only as a being but as a partner does not solely come from his reassurance, or from the reassurance of talking daily/for hours, therefore he must still love you/care about you to a great degree. You can still be close with someone and live your own life and in fact, the more you let your life revolve around you, not your relationship, the stronger your relationship and the closer you're actually going to be. Sometimes it helps me to look at the fact that taking classes, doing things I enjoy, getting out, and having active me-time are all things that only help strengthen the bond between my partner and I.

**Ivy** · January 29, 2012, 12:39 PM

Cheers for your post Eclaire!

Not really - by the "A lot of dating" thing you're right about one thing and one only - that I was so desperate to find somebody. Eventually I just stopped.... and then he appeared. And I am happier with him than I have ever been with anybody else before him.

I really agree and love the positivity and courage of not only your post, but people before you. That's the reason why I wrote, because you probably realize that this steps may seem natural and must-do , but they are also hard opposed to what you are used to. Sometimes there is the money issue , sometimes is time issue that doesn't allow personally me to do things I want to do. Most of the time is the THING ( my all-the-time-must-be-here-thing) I was challenging myself and I was feeling good until this month , I just quit my job because it was frankly irritating me and my labor, if I can all it labor, was so underpaid it made me scream. So now I am jobless. And I have 3 4 times more free time than before. I try to start an un-engaging job, because of my moving there in early summer, but this is totally not sure.

I usually try to synchronize with him the going outs. Like this Friday - he is going to some work party, so I plan to make my going out evening with a company of people I like. Not sure if it will happen. But if not, well then I have no choice but staying home and ... try not to be "angry" because my boy is having a life. I realize the stupidity of my thinking here, but this is probably the one thing that is bugging me.
After yesterday's conflict, he actually confessed he overreacted and so did I. He said the nicest things and I tried to explain myself for the 100th time. He always says he gets it. Let's hope to that ...!

I really wish end of may is already here

It will be a lot of pressure finishing college, moving to another country, and starting a life with my bf. It all affects me quite a lot.

Announcement

A veteran of LDR and fully in love..... on my way to scr** it up ...

A veteran of LDR and fully in love..... on my way to scr** it up ...

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