Better to know?

[Rugger]

Background: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and LDR for 1 year and 8 months. After being 6 hours apart, he moved closer and we are now 2.5 hours apart. He had always told me that he'd never been in any real relationships ( more than a month) and his record for not having sex was 3 years.

We were talking the other day about how we met and how in the beginning of the school year ( our senior year) I had the attitude of "I don't want to start anything because I don't want to do Long Distance again" We've had this conversation a couple of times but this time it took a turn that it had never before. He said "I was like that two, I was dating someone else and we broke it off before coming back to school because I didn't want to do long distance


Whoa, pump the breaks here. I've never ever ever heard this before. We've had this exact same conversation before and this has never come up. Now I don't care what he's done in the past but I hate being blindsided by shit like this. It's not the first time it's happened. Another time, I found out he had dated his best friend's sister (who he is still very close to). We hung out with this girl all the time and I'm close with her as well. Over the summer, I also found out through mutual friends he had a thing with another close friend.

I've told him everything about my prior dating record. He knows that I dated my abusive ex for a year, dated another kid for about a month, and I was casually dating someone when I met him. He knows everything . I thought I knew everything too, apparently not. I know it's stupid but I would rather him come clean about everything than find out randomly and feel like he's hiding it. By feeling like he's hiding it, I feel betrayed because it's something to hide.

Would you rather know everything about your partner or is ignorance is bliss?

[sjaneec5]

I personally would want to know.. Not because I'm nosey but because I think that talking about dating histories helps to understand the other person better and I wouldn't want to find out stuff like that after years when he has hand plenty of chances to say something about it- that would make me think he has something to hide

[Zapookie]

To be honest, I feel like the more information I know, the more I will obsess about it, but that is just me personally. He has told me some stuff but I'm sure there's a lot he hasn't said. I am extremely curious by nature so a part of me wants to know every single detail. I also want to know my partner and who they are, and I feel like I need to know everything about him simply because I love him and want to know him on a level no one else ever has. The other part of me wants to save myself the gory details because I'm not sure if I could handle it.

He's told me a few things and thinking about him with other people makes me sick to my stomach, so I prefer to not dwell on anything he tells me. Sometimes I let it get the better of me. Sometimes.

[kteire]

I tend to ask too many questions, and my SO has been uncomfortable with some of it before. I usually seem to think that I'd rather know everything about him, but some things he's told me (and none of them bad) I just obsess over when I'm bored of having a bad day. I've started to think that unless it's anything significant or something that I should know about (like unprotected sex or something), it's not important for me to know. My SO does know everything about my relationships and partners in the past, but he knows that knowing too much will bother me.

---------- Post added at 02:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:43 PM ----------

Oh and I meant to mention the same thing happened with me and my SO - he didn't tell me for the first year or so that we were dating that he had started dating someone towards the end of secondary school, and decided not to continue with it because neither of them wanted to do long distance... and that was between Cork and Dublin, not quite the distance that we've done between Canada and Ireland! He said he didn't initially tell me because he didn't think it was important, and it was such a different situation. And that he knew as soon as we started dating that he'd do anything to make it work with us, but he hadn't felt the same with her and just didn't think about it much any more.

[lucybelle]

My SO has such an enormous sexual/dating past that he probably doesn't even remember all of it. Occasionally I'll ask him "have you ever had bad sex? tell me about it" just for laughs or whatever. But really, no, I don't want to know about it. When we meet an ex of his (and we've already met at least 5!) I've told him I no longer even want to know it's an ex. Because it was fine when it was just some girl, but now I know that they were sleeping together? I'd rather be ignorant to that fact. I know he's clean, and that's good enough for me.

Oh and just to add-- one of the girls we hang out with is also an ex of my SO's. And she has a boyfriend now, but she also had the same boyfriend then. She was cheating on her boyfriend with my current SO. And she never came clean about it. Talk about weird shit. I would have been a lot better off not knowing any of that.

[Darth_Taco]

I demand to know everything, or else his nipples will be permanently be purple and tender @_@. He doesn't need to tell me everything at once, but as long as I eventually know. I've told him nearly everything from my side, but there's still some things that need time before being told XP. Mostly because some of it is technically criminal activity >.>...<.<...>.>... By the way, I'm not just talking about sex and dating. Stop thinking about that or your nipples will be purple and tender too! D:<

[WakeUpSusie]

I'm the kind of person who likes to know things like that just so I don't feel like anything is being withheld from me (even if it's not intentional), but I honestly wouldn't worry about it too much. He's been with you for two years plus, so he is obviously invested in you and your relationship. It sounds like those other relationships/dating people weren't too significant in his life. I would talk to him about how you feel if it is bothering you though, for sure.

[London-FortCollins]

Whilst I would like to say "ignorance is bliss" - I also think that near enough everything will come out as some point or another and I would much rather be forewarned and forearmed than blind sighted.

My xSO had quite a past, both with girls and with girls that liked him even if he had no interest in them. Over time he told me pretty much everything, and although I did obsess on stuff a little bit, it was much better to know, and allow me the opportunity to ask honest questions, and get an honest answer (ie. "Do you still think about her - and wonder what if?" "No" etc)

This was kinda proven with the one time I was blindsighted by something. Some skanky girl was chatting shit on facebook about how she'd been with my xSO and as just a few weeks earlier me and him had had a dsicussion about our entire history I "knew" that wasnt true and called her on it.

Well I then talked to him and it turned out he had and that had been one of two girls he couldnt remeber when we had the discussion. He said he'd literally blocked it from his mind because he was so disgusted by it and wished he hadn't (and was drunk) So in the end I sent her an email that really shut her up, but I wish I'd known in the first place to shut her down instantly "Yeah - and he wished he hadnt and is now engaged to me - whats your point?" rather than initially looking like a fool.

Anyway...slight tangent aside - I know what you mean and yes I would much rather know everything in advance rather than being caught off guard.

[floridaellen]

I know about my SO's history. I'm his first real girlfriend though. So I only really know about the few dates he went on that failed and his 8th grade "girlfriend" who doesn't really count.

[Dziubka]

Jesus, lucybelle, that's a messed up situation. I'd feel weird about that as well.

I'm on the ignorance is bliss camp. If it's just some girl we hang out with and that's not becoming my really close friend and they don't do anything just the two of them... and they're both over it - I wouldn't want to know. He should be honest if I asked about it, but that's it.
I don't see any benefits from having that information, only a lot of possible problems.

I've told my boyfriend most of my history, but that was back when I thought we weren't going to become serious I wouldn't have told him if I had known from the beginning that we were going to be so much more than friends with benefits...

[Malaga]

Yeah, I think too that it's better not to know too much. Sometimes I get some morbid curiosity, but I know whatever information I get will make me feel blah. I think it's far healthier for us to just trust that he'll share whatever is still relevant, as opposed to things long gone which have no influence on him or us. I wouldn't call it ignorance, rather trust.

I do understand where you're coming from, it is unpleasant to find out about these things so randomly. But I think, unless their behaviour gives you a reason to feel worried, it's best to just drop it and trust that there was nothing sinister about why he didn't tell you at the time you were sharing. Most likely he just forgot about it, especially if he's long over her. Or maybe you didn't know each other well enough at the time and he didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

Personally I feel awkward about the idea of 'sharing everything', especially in the manner of 'coming clean'. I don't have any skeletons in the closet, but the very idea of coming clean makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it is better when couples know everything about each other, but getting there is an ongoing process, at least of people like me. I find it hard to just spill my guts out all at once.

[Babypuppy21]

I’m going to go with wanting to know, I don’t want any surprises down the road. I’ve been completely open and honest with him and I expect the same in return. I will say though that with some guys they won’t mention things because it doesn’t mean anything to them..you have to admit that males and females are wired differently.

[ChibiFelicia]

My SO has quite an extensive past regarding sexual and dating history. I know he's clean and thats all i care about. I used to ask a load of questions and wanted to knwo everything, sometimes i still ask this and that but he doesnt remember alot of it and meh i kinda obsess a lil too. Im glad he doesnt know any of them now cause i really wouldnt wanna see these girls he's been with.

Anyway back to what OP was talking about. Ocassionally things come up that i didnt know about or he never said before and well i dont give it much tought. The kinda guy he is, for him past is past. So im all good.

[Dauntedpoet]

FIRST...Hugs and more hugs for your distress.

Would you rather know everything about your partner or is ignorance is bliss?

I had similar experiences in the beginning of my committed relationship with my SO, and I was completely blind sided, the trust issues it caused, because I felt like he had been hiding things from me nearly ended our relationship.

After a great deal of soul searching I realized, if I was honest with myself, there were unflattering things about myself, in my past, that I'd outgrown, and I'd not told him about them at the beginning of our relationship either. I would tell him now if the subject came up, or if I thought of it during a relevant conversation... but I just don't THINK of it.. it doesn't occur to me, and it was the same thing for him.

So my answer is.. I don't feel like I need to know everything about my partner. I really don't care about his past only his future with me.
Its not ignorance being bliss, its trust creating bliss.

[elizabethjp2010]

if he hasnt told you yet its prob because it meant/means that little to him, that its not even worth talking about. i wouldnt take it personally.


I think that if someone was making a move on him now, tell me. But if someone he dated and is over and he forgets, oh well