Some questions for you all to answer.

[Sharon Q]

So I've been LD with Robert for five months now. And I must say " WHAT THE HELL "

I've found that for us the distance caused a deep rift. Mostly due to my insecurities. But still. We never fought so much when we were CD.

So I'm just curious, Does distance cause a rift for everyone who starts out CD?
If so than why? Why does the amount of miles cause such a rift, kill closeness and harm a once good relationship?

Now I'm not blaming the distance, not fully, I realize that this has to do with me and how I am... well was as a person.

its only been one day of me relaxing focousing on school and what I need instead of " us " and I am already thinking more logically about this relationship. Which was not normal for me before. Yes I still love him, but the intensity of the love has reduced, which is good, because of how intense my emotions were the way I loved him was unhealthy, I grew dependant upon him. Now that I have this new counselor my eyes are opening more and more.

I realize if I want us to be healthy together ( if he still wants to try ) that I need to be healthy on my own, which is why when he messages me back, I'm going to ask to extend the break so I can care for myself ( something I have never done in the past four years we've been together, not once. ) Like I said this new counselor is helping me out a lot.

It just shocks me that distance can cause such a rift in people. They are just miles... just miles... why, Why is something that can change us and rip us to shreds? Why does it effect relationships? Why does it make people feel weak when in reality it takes someone strong and independant ( Which I'm not yet but plan to become ) to maintain a LDR?


Some logical insite would be lovely. Thank you for your time.

[Kristin91]

I didn't start out CD, but the distance is hard in my opinion because you can't reply on being physically close and the intimacy that being close provides to carry your relationship and make things work. You really have to work hard to make your relationship work.

[snow_girl]

I have never thought the distance made things worse off for us. We are both secure in our relationship and neither of us have jealousy issues. We talk as much as we can but if we go a day or two without neither of us get upset. I think the laid back approach we've had to the distance helps a lot. We've never had a long distance fight or argument.
I think when you are CD communication isn't as important as when your are LD, don't get me wrong it is still important but being able to see that other person daily can mean you don't always have to have those conversations you might otherwise. Seeing him daily means that your insecurities are kept at a somewhat lower level then when you can't see them and know what they are doing. Going from CD to LD is an adjustment and if you have those issues to begin with then you go in to it with some odd already stacked against you.

[Rugger]

I started CD. My SO and I went to the same college and then moved home after we graduated. We were physically together about 6 months.

My LDR if anything, has made my relationship stronger, not weaker. My SO and I know how to communicate better than most people in CDRs of the same time period. We know how to fully use the time we spend together and we don't take each other for granted. The distance has made us closer than if we had stayed CD.

Distance doesn't kill relationships, Doubts do.

[lonelyinlove]

I agree. Tpyical aruement are more easy to saw when your CD because thats the onlyissue but with LDRs the problems intensify bc there is the proble your fussing bout plus the frustration of the distance. I never really have been CD either

[efish1042]

Rugger is SOOO right. Distance doesn't kill relationships. Doubts do.
Distance is just a hurdle and a pure example of "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger." It makes it easier to see the flaws in yourself, your partner, and your relationship beyond the physical. Sometimes those flaws can be dealt with, and sometimes they can't. I really hope you guys work things out for you guys.

[Sharon Q]

Perhaps I've been having too many doubts then. I have a lot to work on if I want us to be healthy... if he wants to try again.... I really messed up. I just hope we can both take this time to work on things and maybe work things out.

[Dauntedpoet]

My LDR if anything, has made my relationship stronger, not weaker. My SO and I know how to communicate better than most people in CDRs of the same time period. We know how to fully use the time we spend together and we don't take each other for granted........Distance doesn't kill relationships, Doubts do.

I agree completely with this. The level of intimacy I have with my SO is far deeper that many couples I know that have been married and together for 20 years or more.

My personal LDR experience is, when we shifted from friendship to love relationship, being LD very quickly brought out the relationship 'issues' that usually don't occur for months or years in a CD. Also, unlike previous relationships, we had to use words to resolve the issues completely, instead of using words to cover it up and then use sex to 'make up' and move on without a real resolution.

[Haley53]

I'm the devil's advocate and have said many times before that both have their own sets of issues. Beyond the obvious, I don't feel LD is any harder than CD or that CD couples are magically free of issues and problems. What I feel is the issue is echoing what others have said: in a LDR, certain issues are brought to the surface sooner than they would be in a CD relationship, i.e. issues with trust are going to be brought up sooner than when in a position you can spend 24/7 with one another, as an extreme example. I think that this is particularly true for issues with communication and trust.

Honestly, I think being long-distance involves you being willing to work on the self as much as on the relationship. I don't think there's anything about the miles that changes relationships or even tests them. It tests the individuals, and that is reflected on the relationship.

[kiti28]

I haven't really been CD with my SO,but will be in a week though. But I could agree on lot of things which have been said before. Distance haven't changed our love,it just becomes stronger with each day and we also make sure we don't take each other for granted and if there is something bothering us we talk about it and solve the issue. I have been with my SO for almost 6 months and we have never argued but maybe it's also because the way we look at things. I trust him and he trusts me and that's very important being in distance. And sometimes if he can't talk for couple of days, i don't make a big deal out of it. Patience is the key also being apart. Its not easy,but if you are willing to work on things and listen to your SO and his needs and he does the same too then everything gets easier. I guess you just have to take it more easy and don't stress over things too much,because it doesn't help anyway. I really hope you guys work things out and be strong and never loose faith :-)

[kteire]

My SO and I started CD as well, and we're ridiculously close. It was obviously hard going to LD, but the only issue we've really had with being LD vs CD is that we don't see each other every day, and missing each other is hard. So I don't think that LD causes rifts... I think it's all about your own relationship and how you work through problems. Those rifts can happen when you live in the same city.

I'm glad to hear that you are so committed to working on yourself and your own health, that's something I did a few years ago, and I've never been happier. It's so much easier to work on relationships when you have a good one with yourself