no communication or effort.

[sarahbear]

So my SO and I started dating two months ago and everything was great. He was saying the cutest things and was so supportive and we talked so much more. We would stay up all night talking, now we hardly talk at all :/
I'm always the one initiating conversation, nearly always. He never asks to skype anymore and he rarely texts (he says it "aggravates him"). I don't want to text him because I don't want him to feel obligated to make conversation and have it be work, which is how it feels to him. I've started barely texting him, to let him come to me you know? It's not working. It's like he doesn't care. He was supposed to come visit this week, but didn't have enough money. That would be understandable if he was actually trying to get a job or saving his money which he isn't doing either. He isn't working and we've been planning on a visit since December once I started school in January, and we have yet to have a visit. He isn't busy, he doesn't do much with his days. I'm in school from 9-7 almost everyday but I would still find ways to talk to him. It's like he doesn't care anymore. Actions speak louder than words and he isn't putting any actions behind his words so how am I supposed to believe him? I told him the other night when he distances himself from me that I feel like I don't matter. He said sorry and I matter more than he knows. Has he done anything to prove that? No. He's barely talked to me. I've written him a letter, sent him cookies, made him a blanket, sent him songs and pictures to try and keep the spark alive and make him happy. I'm not saying I NEED anything in return, but he doesn't put in ANY effort. Words can only go so far...I want him to show me he cares. It's so hard for me to trust guys, I have been played with words too many times. I want him to SHOW me, not tell me.

I don't know what I should do. I don't know what to say to him. I find myself losing that spark and connection we had. It doesn't even feel like a relationship anymore.

[Haley53]

Hm, sometimes the odd thing in these situations is that you can get so caught up in how you're feeling and how their behaviour could be changed that you're not focusing as much as may be necessary on what they may be feeling and on what may be going on in their life. Have you ever considered sitting him down and talking with him and saying, "we've been over this a hundred times, but I recently realised that I have never actually taken the time to ask you how you feel about everything. As I've said many times, we've been communicating less than I like, but I want to know what's going on with you? Have you been feeling okay? And how do you feel about the contact? You say texting aggravates you, but why? You know where I stand, but I want to know where you stand so that we can talk about it and come to a compromise that works for the both of us. I don't want to suffer due to communication issues, but I don't want you to feel like I'm nagging or pressuring you into more communication either, so do you think we can both work this out and you talk to me more about what you want/what's been going on in your head?" Obviously, that's a hell of a lot wordier than you might want depending on the type of conversation you're having (phone/Skype versus e-mail), but a good starting point might honestly be to see where he stands, how he feels, and work from there. I have often found that when people are having communication blockages, it's because they spend a lot of time trying to communicate their point and end up forgetting to really take the time to listen, which is also a valid and important part of communication, as it's a two way street. I would suggest that before anything else.

[sarahbear]

Good point. I know he has been stressed lately with family issues, and he has been struggling with a bit of a depression. So I know I need to take that into consideration, but him pushing me away doesn't help. He said texting aggravates him because he isn't a "storyteller" and never knows what to say. Our conversations don't flow well through text, which I know isn't a big deal, but I feel like if we really "clicked", then that wouldn't be an issue. I guess I have just been doubting our relationship. I will talk to him, you bring up some good key points Eclaire. You definitely say it better than I could! I tend to freeze up bringing up any mild form on confrontation, it's something I need to work on.

[Haley53]

It can be hard. One thing I would stress is try not take it personally. For around four months after my SO's mother passed away (might be fairer to say three, seeing as he did not have internet/we had very limited contact for one), I had to deal with him playing games. Game after game after game, and though we would occasionally have a wonderful, uninterrupted conversation, a fair bit of the time, we had conversations where I was waiting 40 minutes for responses while on an instant messenger. It had nothing to do with me, his feelings for me, or how he felt about our relationship, but it was that those games provided him with the "me-time" and the escape that he needed with all the additional stressors he was facing in addition to his grief. Since he made it over his last big hurdle, things have been going incredibly well between us. He's still grieving, sure, and so things aren't 100% normal, but they're headed in that direction and it honestly made me realise how irrational I'd been to be so insecure over our relationship. The thing is that it can be incredibly hard to do, because they're our partners, they mean the world to us, but what I had to do, even if it didn't work 100% of the time, is realise that I could not take his depression personally, and you need to do the same with your SO.

He may be going through a rough time and that may mean less contact, but it says more about what he's going through and what he needs to be able to handle it (I have found that more men tend to withdraw, whereas women tend to reach out and lean on others for support, which might significantly have to do with how men and women relate to begin with) than it does about how he feels about your relationship. My SO recently reminded me that I am his rock, that I have held him together and am still doing so, and I imagine that's similar to what yours mean by "meaning more to him than you know." It's possible you're very much keeping him sane right now even if he's driving you insane. My suggestion would be to talk it out, figure it out, but listen to where he's coming from, and see if you can come up with a compromise that's better for the both of you.

The thing is that you may need to be lenient, however. Depression can be horrible, but storms don't rage on forever. He will break out of this funk and things will likely go back to being "normal" again. However, I know when I sat down and really talked with my SO as opposed to trying to communicate my needs to him in the very beginning of the rough patch we hit, it didn't so much insta-fix the problem as it helped me gain a new perspective and understanding of what he needed. Oftentimes, the issues in our relationships, when they're as one-sided as this one seems to be (as in, you feel insecure and he does not, and I think a lot of us have been here), generally boil down to our perspectives, and sometimes communicating with our partners to get a new take on things gives us a way of seeing the situation in more realistic terms and therefore being able to handle it more appropriately and deal with it in such a way that we are not so effected.

[ushiwakafox]

but I feel like if we really "clicked", then that wouldn't be an issue.

lol I just wanted to mention that usually when my SO and I are talking (usually through text), we hardly "click" at all. That's just how some guys are, they don't communicate through text very well. My SO is a man of very few words. Especially when something's bothering him. I agree very much with what Eclaire said. I just thought it'd be worth mentioning that just because he isn't the greatest communicator doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. I'm sure he's just stressed with the things you mentioned.
Hopefully you can get him to talk, it's like pulling teeth getting my SO to talk X)

[sarahbear]

thank you guys so much! this is definitely reassuring me so much. I think I just overthink everything too much and look way into everything. I need to learn how to go with the flow and just RELAX.

[lala]

thank you guys so much! this is definitely reassuring me so much. I think I just overthink everything too much and look way into everything. I need to learn how to go with the flow and just RELAX.

haha that's what I had to learn too. And thank you guys for your advices, helps me too.
I told my SO that if I mean soo much to him like he said why then he can't find 5minutes a day to write me. I also sent him several post cards,wrote him poems and so on, but there came nothing but but of course how cute I am blabla.. well I'm not asking for the same things I did for him, but still him to be creative,to show me that his words are more then empty promisses and just words.
But I guess everyone has a time where they don't feel good or have other issues..

[sarahbear]

well I'm not asking for the same things I did for him, but still him to be creative,to show me that his words are more then empty promisses and just words.

That's exactly what I mean. It doesn't have to be anything big, but a simple good morning and good night would be great. I don't need jewelry or to be flourished with gifts. I just want to see that he cares, it's all about the little things. I know he does, I just have such a hard time letting people in that I get to this point where I'm convinced that they don't care and shut myself off. It's something I need to work on.