Meeting and No Chemistry?

[Kerry]

my fiance and I were recently having a discussion about people in LDRs meeting for the 1st time but not having chemistry, being disappointed when they see the other person, etc. as our discussion deepened our hearts were just breaking at the thought of 2 people who corresponded every way except for in person only to experience a huge letdown upon meeting. has anyone here ever experienced this? this is my first and only LDR but a friend of mine did experience this (actually the man she was involved with did) but it was her doing. they met online and exchanged pictures, except she sent him someone else's picture- not hers. so he makes plans to come meet her (they corresponded almost 2 years by computer and phone) and he gets off the plane thinking the love of his life is the girl in the photo but it's not. she was totally wrong for duping him like that. she told me why she did it (she is a big girl and she didn't think he'd love her if he saw what she looked like) but that doesn't make it right. they broke up shortly thereafter.

[Haley53]

With my ex, I wouldn't say there was a whole lot of physical chemistry, but we had enough of a relationship that it sort of overrode that. However, it likely would not have been a lasting relationship. Even if it lasted a year and a half and our break-up was more or less mutual, shallow as it is to say, I don't think I could ever marry someone I was not attracted to. On top of that he'd also sent me a lot of pictures from odd angles, so he looked a bit better in the photos than he did in person. :P

[Josephine Falnor]

I'm in my one and only LDR, so I can't speak from experience on that. I don't know how common it is for two people in an LDR to meet and not be attracted to each other at all. In the case of your friend, my guess is that the issue there was that she had been dishonest with him, rather than them meeting and just not being attracted to each other, you know? Like I said, no experience with this. I know that when I met my SO in person for the first time, I was very physically attracted to her. I don't know if that goes for everyone though (*read Eclaire's post*).

[Darth_Taco]

I actually see this all the time. Chemistry is more than just attraction, sometimes the way you interact in person just isn't the same as when you do it through your computer or phone. It's just one of the risks you take getting into one of these relationships. Sometimes these issues can be worked on, but not always. That's when you just need to cut your loses and move on.

By the way, the issue with your friend had nothing to do with chemistry. She could've been the hottest motherfucker alive, but ultimately she lied for a really long time and became one of those internet people :P.

[rubydissolution]

When I first met my SO I was very put off by him and I'm still not sure why. It only lasted the first two hours so it might have just been nerves. He arrived on a Sunday right after i had an overnight shift and his flight was overnight so after we had breakfast we went back to his hotel room to sleep. I feel like that moment, when i was in his arms for the first time, that was when I felt that connection that I'd had with him online. It didn't happen right away in that first glace.

[Zapookie]

I think if two people meet online, and are honest about who they are as a person (inside and out) from the start, I don't see why there wouldn't be any chemistry. I think meeting online and forming an LDR is different than say to online dating (just thought I'd bring this up because it's happened to me before), where you sign up to a website and check out peoples profiles, then meet in person to see if there's chemistry. Of course nothing ever became of those for me.

With online LDR's, you get to know the person better than just a quick, casual, empty conversation. You form a bond which I think goes very deep, and if you have access to webcams, you're still able to see them and work out for yourself whether there's any attraction there. It's a lot more personal. If you can only see pictures of them, it's different. You aren't able to see what they look like when they laugh, smile, when they're upset or angry. You can only imagine that. Then when you finally meet, they're not what you imagined and it's almost like a dream being shattered. However it also depends on the two people and what their expectations are, and whether they're OK to be a little lenient with said expectations. Some people aren't, and so sometimes it just won't work.

Of course it's different if you've been lied to the entire time. I'd be pretty upset if that happened to me.

[Dziubka]

I guess I don't really understand Zapookie's post.

You don't have to have talked online for years on end to have chemistry in person. There can be chemistry the first time you see them, without having ever known about their existance before or there can be chemistry after having exchanged only two e-mails and a photo.
I met my boyfriend offline and there was chemistry from the very first moment I saw him and it was still there when I met him a second time and was sober.

I have to agree with Darth_Taco, that what Kerry described wasn't so much about a lack of chemistry but more lying about who you are.
I'm still very doubtful about online relationships. I wouldn't consider myself in a relationship before I had met the person, because I would be concerned about a lack of chemistry when we meet in person. It's not only about looks, in fact for me 'chemistry' mostly isn't about looks, but about their... I don't know... behaviour?
There's so many things, small gestures, smell, people not respecting personal space (that must be the worse for me, totally offputting), that you can't find out about online and can destroy any chemistry right away. I could meet the smartest, most handsome, intelligent, witty guy on the internet, if we met in person and he'd use a terrible scent, chew gum with his mouth open and came too close right away, I'd run the other way. No ammount of smart-, handsome- or wittyness can make up for that. I, personally, am to much of a realist (pessimist?) to invest a lot in a relationship, if I don't know whether there's (enough) chemistry in person.

[milaya]

I agree with Dziubka.
That you can also of course have a connection right away without having talked before.
And I also kind of disagree with Zapookie, when it comes to that if people have been honest and talked for a long time they're bound to have chemistry.
I guess I just also see chemistry on a more simple, biological level f.ex smell. You can have talked for years online, on skype and webcam as well, but you don't know the smell and more intimate biological things about that certain person.
We human beings have our natural instincts as well, so such things also have an great importance.

For me, I met my SO offline. Right away there was some chemistry between us. It wasn't a commutative chemistry though. He was very shy so he hardly talked and overall it was kind of awkward, but something - more biological drew me to him. I wanted to be close to him, and my body reacted strongly to his presence and he has told me later on that he felt the same way. On a biological level we were the perfect match, we just needed to work on other areas to have the perfect chemistry.

I have also talked with Japanese guys online before meeting my SO (just for friend purpose), that I had nice talks with, we shared pictures and such. And with some we did have good times when we met up and went out to dinners - but, there was this "friend" chemistry rather than anything else. My SO was the first guy I had felt proper chemistry with and we hadn't even talked before.

[lademoiselle]

The jury's still out for me. With my SO, I feel our chemistry is primarily one of "romantic friendship" - particularly when we're in public. We hug and kiss and flirt like mad; our conversations are more banter than anything else. But it's only when we're alone at night that a completely different sort of chemistry takes over I don't get it! I haven't been in any previous relationships, but before meeting my SO I was attracted to a fairly specific "type" of guy. My SO is nothing like that, and while it isn't that I find him physically unattractive, I think that other factors are what draw me to him so irresistibly.

[Zapookie]

I'm sorry if you guys thought that I was somehow putting down relationships that started offline/in person. That's not what I intended at all. I just wanted to share what I've experienced because I met my SO online before we met face to face.

What I meant was that when you talk to someone online for a large amount of time, and you develop a sort of connection, whether it be romantic or platonic, it usually carries on once you meet them in the flesh. Of course there is factors to consider, like their mannerisms, habits, the way they smell, etc. but I think when you've already developed a strong bond, it's a little easier to overlook any imperfections that this person may have.

You can easily say the same thing for relationships that start out in person too (in that its easy to overlook a persons imperfections), but then again, that's when it comes down to the individuals and their expectations of people. If I were to have met my SO and his body language was awkward, and he chewed with his mouth open, and he had uncontrollable BO, I would know that the connection we shared prior to meeting would be able to trump any kind of ill-feelings towards him. All those would be things that make him who he is, and most of them are things that can be improved.

I only say this because I know I wouldn't have wanted to throw away my SO and I's entire friendship/relationship over something so easily workable. I would have done my best to accept him as he was and if there was something that generally put me off, I would have told him about it and we would have tried to fix it together. I didn't have to though, because we clicked right away.

[milaya]

I'm sorry if you guys thought that I was somehow putting down relationships that started offline/in person. That's not what I intended at all. I just wanted to share what I've experienced because I met my SO online before we met face to face.

Don't worry, I know you didn't mean it like that :-)
All I was trying to say was that, I believe that even though you've talked with somebody for a long time online and been honest, you might not have the biological chemistry needed to become "lovers", but a "friend" chemistry instead.

[elizabethjp2010]

this topic breaks my heart bc it does happen

[Engel]

I guess I don't really understand Zapookie's post.

You don't have to have talked online for years on end to have chemistry in person. There can be chemistry the first time you see them, without having ever known about their existance before or there can be chemistry after having exchanged only two e-mails and a photo.
I met my boyfriend offline and there was chemistry from the very first moment I saw him and it was still there when I met him a second time and was sober.

I have to agree with Darth_Taco, that what Kerry described wasn't so much about a lack of chemistry but more lying about who you are.
I'm still very doubtful about online relationships. I wouldn't consider myself in a relationship before I had met the person, because I would be concerned about a lack of chemistry when we meet in person. It's not only about looks, in fact for me 'chemistry' mostly isn't about looks, but about their... I don't know... behaviour?
There's so many things, small gestures, smell, people not respecting personal space (that must be the worse for me, totally offputting), that you can't find out about online and can destroy any chemistry right away. I could meet the smartest, most handsome, intelligent, witty guy on the internet, if we met in person and he'd use a terrible scent, chew gum with his mouth open and came too close right away, I'd run the other way. No ammount of smart-, handsome- or wittyness can make up for that. I, personally, am to much of a realist (pessimist?) to invest a lot in a relationship, if I don't know whether there's (enough) chemistry in person.

all that. agreed.
I would never consider myself in a relationship without meeting in person either, but even if I was the kind of person that would consider myself in love and in a relationship without seeing in real, if I found out the person i was in love with and was my boyfriend/girlfriend sent me fake pictures, i would break up immediatelly. because the relationship would never work for me after finding out such a lie.

[squeeker]

I'm sorry if you guys thought that I was somehow putting down relationships that started offline/in person. That's not what I intended at all. I just wanted to share what I've experienced because I met my SO online before we met face to face.

What I meant was that when you talk to someone online for a large amount of time, and you develop a sort of connection, whether it be romantic or platonic, it usually carries on once you meet them in the flesh. Of course there is factors to consider, like their mannerisms, habits, the way they smell, etc. but I think when you've already developed a strong bond, it's a little easier to overlook any imperfections that this person may have.

You can easily say the same thing for relationships that start out in person too (in that its easy to overlook a persons imperfections), but then again, that's when it comes down to the individuals and their expectations of people. If I were to have met my SO and his body language was awkward, and he chewed with his mouth open, and he had uncontrollable BO, I would know that the connection we shared prior to meeting would be able to trump any kind of ill-feelings towards him. All those would be things that make him who he is, and most of them are things that can be improved.

I only say this because I know I wouldn't have wanted to throw away my SO and I's entire friendship/relationship over something so easily workable. I would have done my best to accept him as he was and if there was something that generally put me off, I would have told him about it and we would have tried to fix it together. I didn't have to though, because we clicked right away.

I happen to agree with you! Same thing with my SO and I, we met online and formed a bond online that if he happened to have any imperfections that I thought I couldn't stand right away I would've worked to get through them because I would have known that this man was the man that I had formed such a strong connection with online. Lucky for me from the start it was perfect.. He doesn't wear cologne or body spray or anything, he doesn't like chemicals on his skin, but he smells perfect to me! I definitely think if you form a strong enough bond and both people are honest when communicating online and see each other on webcam/video, the chemistry can carry through to offline even if they happen to have strange mannerisms.