Any ideas on how to get your SO to be more romantic?

[fitfilipina]

Especially when we're apart...

When we first started dating, he was all over me (wrong word choice hehe), sending me cute notes/texts/letters, staying up late wanting to talk to me, telling me how much he loved me and missed me even before we became long distance. Now I understand that the honeymoon stage is over, but sometimes I almost feel like it's an obligation for him to be romantic with me.

I've told him before, "I love it when you express how you feel about me" or "I used to love those little notes you used to send me" and he just responds that I should already know how I feel about him, or that he thinks that love notes are cheesy or that he's done it time and time again that he just doesn't want to repeat what he says. I've addressed that yes, I know he loves me and misses me, but it'd be nice to hear it and so he'll try for a week or so and then go back to before. And then if I bring it up again, he'll start getting a little peeved that I'm bringing it up again.

Now normally, I really wouldn't mind -- especially since he's extra attentive to me when we visit each other every couple of weeks. When we're together, he has no problem telling me he's beautiful, or kissing me out of the blue, or being all romantic, but when we're apart it's almost like he lets go of all that and it honestly makes me feel neglected a lot of the time. On the phone I'll tell him I love him and miss him and he'll respond back with a tone of voice that doesn't sound enthusiastic at all, so it gets discouraging. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I don't know.

Any ideas on how to get him to be a little more romantic? Especially during LDR?

---------- Post added at 03:56 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:54 AM ----------

I meant my* in the header...lol

[lala]

ooh I like this thread! My SO is the same lol

[Haley53]

The way I feel about it is that there is going to come a point in any relationship where the romance fades a little bit. We all love the honeymoon period, but I can't say there's much to complain about the safe and comfy one.

Now, I may be the odd one out and the devil's advocate, because I tend not to agree with these threads. Why? Because different people like different levels of romance and different people have different definitions of it. And if you've tried to convince your partner to change and he continues to go back to where he's currently at, telling you that you should know how he feels about you etc., it's likely you're not with someone who's big on doing regular love letters and so on.

I get how you're feeling, I do. My partner and I used to be quite big on reassuring one another that we saw each other in each other's futures. Lately, it's become one of those things that neither of us really need to say. It's still said on occasion, but it's more something that's there. It's a presence. Would I love to hear it more often? Of course! What girl does not love hearing their boyfriend express how he wants them in his future? :P But I wouldn't want to force him into it, because it's something I want him to say on his own terms and in the times when he feels it's necessary. That makes them all the more special, even if I don't need to hear it because the both of us have the tendency to assume it. The thing is that he's more or less telling you this same thing: "be secure in our relationship."

I think it's very important to accept our partners for who and what they are and also to work on keeping the connection alive as opposed to simply the romance. A lot of people seem to want more more more when it comes to romance, like nothing's ever good enough and like nothing will ever compare to what was had in the honeymoon phase (which lasts longer for some than others), when really, their partner's own little romance is right under their noses. :P The little things he says and does? They may not be a love letter, but they're reassurance and they're something. You've made him aware that you miss what he used to do, so back off and let him take the initiative if he so decides.

Currently, however, work on the connection. Initiate something if you want it returned so badly. I don't mean send him a love letter and check the post every day waiting for yours, but when you're on Skype or the phone, play some games or ask one another a hundred and one questions about each other. Have a dinner and/or movie date over Skype. Send him something from your heart, like a letter, yes, without any expectation of one in return. Do something fun and don't psychoanalyse it. So he doesn't say "I love you" and "I miss you" enthusiastically. Not everyone does? It doesn't automatically mean he's not sat over there loving or missing you; if anything, it likely means the exact opposite.

The way I see it is that once you've put it out there that you'd like more little things done, and they haven't done them, then the ball is in their court. You can't force someone to be more romantic. If anything, I have always used being in a mode of wanting more reassurance/of the little things (we went through a phase where they were few and far between) to open my eyes and look harder at the signals and cues my partner was giving me in his own time and ways. I think a lot of people tend to look at romance in terms of storybook romance or Hollywood romance and sometimes that "little thing" is as sweet and simple as hearing their voice waver at the end of the line or an extra 3 in a row of <3s. It sounds silly, but I think a lot of people think romance is this big picture and they forget to look at all the tiny details that make it up.

---------- Post added at 08:40 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:40 AM ----------

The way I feel about it is that there is going to come a point in any relationship where the romance fades a little bit. We all love the honeymoon period, but I can't say there's much to complain about the safe and comfy one.

Now, I may be the odd one out and the devil's advocate, because I tend not to agree with these threads. Why? Because different people like different levels of romance and different people have different definitions of it. And if you've tried to convince your partner to change and he continues to go back to where he's currently at, telling you that you should know how he feels about you etc., it's likely you're not with someone who's big on doing regular love letters and so on.

I get how you're feeling, I do. My partner and I used to be quite big on reassuring one another that we saw each other in each other's futures. Lately, it's become one of those things that neither of us really need to say. It's still said on occasion, but it's more something that's there. It's a presence. Would I love to hear it more often? Of course! What girl does not love hearing their boyfriend express how he wants them in his future? :P But I wouldn't want to force him into it, because it's something I want him to say on his own terms and in the times when he feels it's necessary. That makes them all the more special, even if I don't need to hear it because the both of us have the tendency to assume it. The thing is that he's more or less telling you this same thing: "be secure in our relationship."

I think it's very important to accept our partners for who and what they are and also to work on keeping the connection alive as opposed to simply the romance. A lot of people seem to want more more more when it comes to romance, like nothing's ever good enough and like nothing will ever compare to what was had in the honeymoon phase (which lasts longer for some than others), when really, their partner's own little romance is right under their noses. :P The little things he says and does? They may not be a love letter, but they're reassurance and they're something. You've made him aware that you miss what he used to do, so back off and let him take the initiative if he so decides.

Currently, however, work on the connection. Initiate something if you want it returned so badly. I don't mean send him a love letter and check the post every day waiting for yours, but when you're on Skype or the phone, play some games or ask one another a hundred and one questions about each other. Have a dinner and/or movie date over Skype. Send him something from your heart, like a letter, yes, without any expectation of one in return. Do something fun and don't psychoanalyse it. So he doesn't say "I love you" and "I miss you" enthusiastically. Not everyone does? It doesn't automatically mean he's not sat over there loving or missing you; if anything, it likely means the exact opposite.

The way I see it is that once you've put it out there that you'd like more little things done, and they haven't done them, then the ball is in their court. You can't force someone to be more romantic. If anything, I have always used being in a mode of wanting more reassurance/of the little things (we went through a phase where they were few and far between) to open my eyes and look harder at the signals and cues my partner was giving me in his own time and ways. I think a lot of people tend to look at romance in terms of storybook romance or Hollywood romance and sometimes that "little thing" is as sweet and simple as hearing their voice waver at the end of the line or an extra 3 in a row of <3s. It sounds silly, but I think a lot of people think romance is this big picture and they forget to look at all the tiny details that make it up.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

Believe me, I totally understand this one. My boyfriend and I used to talk a lot more than we do now, and I do miss it. I guess we've both gotten more comfortable in the relationship and with the distance that we don't need constant communication. Sometimes I think he gets too comfortable and we'll go a day or two without texting each other. I do wish he could spend more time talking, but we're both busy with school. He's never been a big "romantic" to begin with. He doesn't send letters or care packages. Once in awhile, he'll post something cute to my FB wall, so I know that's a big step for him and I love when he does. If I get something like that from him, I cherish it so much! You could try to talk to him, but it's hard to make a person change. I've tried, but I've learned to accept the fact that he just isn't the romantic type. I can't change him. I know he loves me, and I find it a little easier to go without reassurance now because I'm comfortable with the relationship and we've discussed the future openly a lot, and he always tells me that I'm in those plans. We always use "we" when we talk about the future. It definitely reassures me, but there are times where I get weak and insecure and need reassurance from him. He always will tell me when I need him to. Also, when we are together, he is extremely affectionate and attentive, so going back to LD after a visit is tough because I go back to feeling "ignored" because he is so busy.

[lala]

Believe me, I totally understand this one. My boyfriend and I used to talk a lot more than we do now, and I do miss it. I guess we've both gotten more comfortable in the relationship and with the distance that we don't need constant communication. Sometimes I think he gets too comfortable and we'll go a day or two without texting each other. I do wish he could spend more time talking, but we're both busy with school. He's never been a big "romantic" to begin with. He doesn't send letters or care packages. Once in awhile, he'll post something cute to my FB wall, so I know that's a big step for him and I love when he does. If I get something like that from him, I cherish it so much! You could try to talk to him, but it's hard to make a person change. I've tried, but I've learned to accept the fact that he just isn't the romantic type. I can't change him. I know he loves me, and I find it a little easier to go without reassurance now because I'm comfortable with the relationship and we've discussed the future openly a lot, and he always tells me that I'm in those plans. We always use "we" when we talk about the future. It definitely reassures me, but there are times where I get weak and insecure and need reassurance from him. He always will tell me when I need him to. Also, when we are together, he is extremely affectionate and attentive, so going back to LD after a visit is tough because I go back to feeling "ignored" because he is so busy.

that's exacly how I feel. I'm happy when he just texts me.. but the I see al your posts where you sent things to eachothe or make great plans or even skype.. and then I get sad and start thinking that he doesn't love me

[Haley53]

that's exacly how I feel. I'm happy when he just texts me.. but the I see al your posts where you sent things to eachothe or make great plans or even skype.. and then I get sad and start thinking that he doesn't love me

But see, this is where you need to not compare. Your partner loves you in his way. My partner, for example, does not like to go a day without talking to me. If he has to, he generally leaves me sweet little "thinking of you" reminders, but we don't get to Skype often anymore. Whereas we used to be able to Skype around once a week, we Skyped last night for the first time in five months. We're comfortable without needing to constantly talk about our future, but that doesn't mean our future is any less real than yours or the future of loveknowsnodistance27. My boyfriend has sent me gifts and letters, but not nearly as often as kiara_silver's boyfriend. The list goes on really. My boyfriend compares in what seem like positive ways to some people's SOs and what might seem like negative ways to other people's SOs. But are either of the comparisons valid? No! Because the way he is is the way he is and the way he loves me is unique to me. This is what I mean about paying attention to the little things. If people paid more attention to the little things, and appreciated those, as opposed to having a preconceived notion of romance or the perfect relationship in their heads, then I think a lot less people would be insecure. You love differently than I do who loves differently than the OP who loves differently than loveknowsnodistance27, yet we ALL love our partners. Though I won't say the love is there for everysingleone who doesn't see it, it's hard for me to sit and think that no one ever misses it because they're too caught up in their comparisons or ideas of what something should be. Once you let go of those and pay attention to what your SO does to show he cares that's unique to your SO, well, it's a whole different ball game.

[LeilaniJoi]

The way I see it is that once you've put it out there that you'd like more little things done, and they haven't done them, then the ball is in their court. You can't force someone to be more romantic. If anything, I have always used being in a mode of wanting more reassurance/of the little things (we went through a phase where they were few and far between) to open my eyes and look harder at the signals and cues my partner was giving me in his own time and ways. I think a lot of people tend to look at romance in terms of storybook romance or Hollywood romance and sometimes that "little thing" is as sweet and simple as hearing their voice waver at the end of the line or an extra 3 in a row of <3s. It sounds silly, but I think a lot of people think romance is this big picture and they forget to look at all the tiny details that make it up.

Always remember that just because someone doesn't love you the way YOU think they should, does not mean they don't love you with everything they have. I have had to deal with this same thing in my relationship and it did make me step back and really look at the "us". It's normal for things to become more comfortable and quiet, it doesn't mean there are fewer feelings, only that those feelings run deeper. I'm also one that thrives on a lot of reassurances and all of the things we had early on, but as I've gone along with my SO now, I have come to realize that my "neediness" is just that, being needy out of insecurity and issues with myself. I'm not saying he never makes a mistake, but when I look at what we have - a home, jobs, bills to be paid, chores etc - I realize that he shows love every day in so many little ways that they are too many to count. Just because he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful every day doesn't mean he doesn't think that, just because when I get all soppy and lovey dovey and his tone in reply isn't what I expected doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate it. It's very possible he needs to hear those things just as much as I do and needs just as much reassurance that I love him as I do in return. The fact that he doesn't show those things in the same ways that I would really means nothing other than he is his own person. In fact, I felt like I was being too needy so backed off a bit and he actually brought it up asking why I wasn't doing those things anymore - it made me realize that in his way, he is as needy as I am but has different ways of showing that

Love your SO's for who they are, not for who you want them to be and your relationship will be more durable and deeper for both of you.

---------- Post added at 11:04 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:03 AM ----------

The way I see it is that once you've put it out there that you'd like more little things done, and they haven't done them, then the ball is in their court. You can't force someone to be more romantic. If anything, I have always used being in a mode of wanting more reassurance/of the little things (we went through a phase where they were few and far between) to open my eyes and look harder at the signals and cues my partner was giving me in his own time and ways. I think a lot of people tend to look at romance in terms of storybook romance or Hollywood romance and sometimes that "little thing" is as sweet and simple as hearing their voice waver at the end of the line or an extra 3 in a row of <3s. It sounds silly, but I think a lot of people think romance is this big picture and they forget to look at all the tiny details that make it up.

Always remember that just because someone doesn't love you the way YOU think they should, does not mean they don't love you with everything they have. I have had to deal with this same thing in my relationship and it did make me step back and really look at the "us". It's normal for things to become more comfortable and quiet, it doesn't mean there are fewer feelings, only that those feelings run deeper. I'm also one that thrives on a lot of reassurances and all of the things we had early on, but as I've gone along with my SO now, I have come to realize that my "neediness" is just that, being needy out of insecurity and issues with myself. I'm not saying he never makes a mistake, but when I look at what we have - a home, jobs, bills to be paid, chores etc - I realize that he shows love every day in so many little ways that they are too many to count. Just because he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful every day doesn't mean he doesn't think that, just because when I get all soppy and lovey dovey and his tone in reply isn't what I expected doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate it. It's very possible he needs to hear those things just as much as I do and needs just as much reassurance that I love him as I do in return. The fact that he doesn't show those things in the same ways that I would really means nothing other than he is his own person. In fact, I felt like I was being too needy so backed off a bit and he actually brought it up asking why I wasn't doing those things anymore - it made me realize that in his way, he is as needy as I am but has different ways of showing that

Love your SO's for who they are, not for who you want them to be and your relationship will be more durable and deeper for both of you.

[Haley53]

Always remember that just because someone doesn't love you the way YOU think they should, does not mean they don't love you with everything they have. I have had to deal with this same thing in my relationship and it did make me step back and really look at the "us". It's normal for things to become more comfortable and quiet, it doesn't mean there are fewer feelings, only that those feelings run deeper. I'm also one that thrives on a lot of reassurances and all of the things we had early on, but as I've gone along with my SO now, I have come to realize that my "neediness" is just that, being needy out of insecurity and issues with myself. I'm not saying he never makes a mistake, but when I look at what we have - a home, jobs, bills to be paid, chores etc - I realize that he shows love every day in so many little ways that they are too many to count. Just because he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful every day doesn't mean he doesn't think that, just because when I get all soppy and lovey dovey and his tone in reply isn't what I expected doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate it. It's very possible he needs to hear those things just as much as I do and needs just as much reassurance that I love him as I do in return. The fact that he doesn't show those things in the same ways that I would really means nothing other than he is his own person. In fact, I felt like I was being too needy so backed off a bit and he actually brought it up asking why I wasn't doing those things anymore - it made me realize that in his way, he is as needy as I am but has different ways of showing that

Love your SO's for who they are, not for who you want them to be and your relationship will be more durable and deeper for both of you.

---------- Post added at 11:04 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:03 AM ----------



Always remember that just because someone doesn't love you the way YOU think they should, does not mean they don't love you with everything they have. I have had to deal with this same thing in my relationship and it did make me step back and really look at the "us". It's normal for things to become more comfortable and quiet, it doesn't mean there are fewer feelings, only that those feelings run deeper. I'm also one that thrives on a lot of reassurances and all of the things we had early on, but as I've gone along with my SO now, I have come to realize that my "neediness" is just that, being needy out of insecurity and issues with myself. I'm not saying he never makes a mistake, but when I look at what we have - a home, jobs, bills to be paid, chores etc - I realize that he shows love every day in so many little ways that they are too many to count. Just because he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful every day doesn't mean he doesn't think that, just because when I get all soppy and lovey dovey and his tone in reply isn't what I expected doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate it. It's very possible he needs to hear those things just as much as I do and needs just as much reassurance that I love him as I do in return. The fact that he doesn't show those things in the same ways that I would really means nothing other than he is his own person. In fact, I felt like I was being too needy so backed off a bit and he actually brought it up asking why I wasn't doing those things anymore - it made me realize that in his way, he is as needy as I am but has different ways of showing that

Love your SO's for who they are, not for who you want them to be and your relationship will be more durable and deeper for both of you.

Haha, you made my point more eloquently than I could. :P

[lala]

of course I don't copare him with other men, cause I love him like he is.. but still I would like him to pay more attention to me and us. Sometimes I think he is not that in love with me.. I mean how can I know that his lack of attention has nothing to do with me?...

[Haley53]

of course I don't copare him with other men, cause I love him like he is.. but still I would like him to pay more attention to me and us. Sometimes I think he is not that in love with me.. I mean how can I know that his lack of attention has nothing to do with me?...

I didn't mean other men. I meant what other men do, like what you did earlier mentioning the things loveknowsnodistance does with her boyfriend. That being said, if you have never raised the issue, you talk to him about it. If you have and he's reassured you, then you believe him and pay attention to the little things that he does. This is going to sound so ridiculously stupid but my SO doesn't always message me first. Before his mother died, we would usually message each other at the same time or he'd catch me before I even logged in fully. It made me insecure at first (this is the stupid bit :P) because I worried over being annoying. I fretted that he didn't want to talk to me. I would sometimes wait 5-15 minutes before messaging him and worry that since he didn't IM me, maybe he didn't even want to talk with me. The thing is that this would precede conversations that we had that carried us throughout the day. :P I took it and ran with it and overreacted to it and what I needed to be paying attention to was the fact that he spoke with me and engaged with me, not that he didn't message me first or that he didn't <3333333 me like he used to do. I think it's important not to take things out of context and worry over them. Appreciate the small picture when it comes to the little things. When it comes to fretting, think about the bigger picture, if that makes sense. I don't want to hijack the OP's thread, however, and I can't say I know what you mean by "lack of attention." Feel free to PM me and we can discuss it there if you want.

[lala]

aaaf thank you! It's just that I'm anoyed by everything and everyone toda lol I'm going to do some sport now,maybe I feel better thank
thank you anyways

[Engel]

I didn't read the other replies, but I think what is happening here is just the honeymoon phase is over. that isn't bad! it just means he doesn't feel he needs to do all that to win you over, because, well, you are with him! people start to be more comfortable to be who they truly are after a while. it doesn't mean he loves you any less

[fitfilipina]

Yeah, I definitely understand. I just think it's weird when he's super affectionate in person and won't want to let me go and then the next day it's like he's impossible to get a hold of. I know I'm just being a baby, but it's good to hear that I'm not the only one and that I just have to take it as it is.

Haven't even heard from him all day to say Happy Valentine's Day, but I guess that's what I get for saying we shouldn't make it a big deal because it's just a Hallmark holiday :P

[Haley53]

Haven't even heard from him all day to say Happy Valentine's Day, but I guess that's what I get for saying we shouldn't make it a big deal because it's just a Hallmark holiday :P

Guys don't speak in code like women. xD Have you seen Going the Distance? I think that's the movie where in the beginning, the girlfriend breaks up with him because he didn't get her anything for her birthday because she told him not to, LOL, and she said something about women never meaning that. Haha. Why not text him with a nice message? Even if it's something silly like "Hey, thinking of you on this Hallmark holiday. Wanted to say happy V-day." He might appreciate it. Everyones likes to be thought of, and he may be holding back because of what you said. [COLOR="Silver"]

[Moon]

Some men just aren't that great at showing their romantic side from a distance, which is probably why it's so different when you're together in person. In the beginning, the guys do whatever they can to impress us, but it's not that sustainable in the long run, so it fades. I think sometimes women get too caught up in the "romance" aspect of the relationship, and forget about the casual, fun, sometimes boring, day to day reality that a relationship actually is. It's not totally our fault, it's the evil women's magazines that tell us that our weekends should be full of flowers and impulsive trips to Paris, and our nights brimming with passion and sickeningly sweet words, or else our guy doesn't love us and we should dump him I think we're taught to have very unrealistic expectations of men sometimes, unfortunately.

Is your SO around when you need him? Does he comfort you when necessary? How about if he's loyal and reliable? Do you enjoy the same things and have a blast when you're together? Those are the things you should focus more on, in my humble opinion, as those are things that will really make the relationship lasting and healthy. Talk is cheap, anyone can say words you want to hear, but actions are harder to fake.

That being said, there is definitely a time and place for the romantic stuff, and everyone is different on how that ends up. You have to find a place that's comfortable for BOTH of you, you a bit less and him a bit more.