Weird insecurity issue about looks... anyone else ever feel the same way?

[fitfilipina]

I don't know if I'm going to sound totally ridiculous when I say this, but here it goes anyway...

So my boyfriend has told me on more than one occasion that blonde girls are his type...every girl he's liked (not necessarily dated) has been blonde and that is his ideal. I know that for a fact because sometimes when we're out, I'll notice that he'll only glance at blonde girls. I think he's even told me once that he's had dreams with fantasy girls in them that were blonde.

The thing is, I'm the farthest thing from that. I'm a dark-haired, tan Asian. And although I know (and I'm not saying this in conceit) that I am an attractive woman, a lot of the time I feel inadequate. I just want what's best for him, and I want to give him what he wants...and I feel like I really can't do that with my physicality. It really tears up my self-esteem because I'm constantly comparing myself to other girls -- blonde girls -- and seeing what I have to do to get to that level. I've even gotten to the point of dieting/working out hard with the rationale that at least I'll have a hotter body and maybe that'll be good enough to overcome the fact that I'm not blonde (because let's be real...it takes a lot to rock a blonde Asian look )

While I will admit it's been a great motivator for me to lose weight and pay more attention to my looks, the fact that I'll never be his fantasy kind of irks at me. Sometimes when we're out I'll even redirect our walking or distract him because I see a blonde girl in the distance and assume he's gonna look at her. I get jealous for no reason because I think of him being at school and checking out girls that are the opposite of me. And while I understand this is human nature, I don't really want that. I just want to be the best that I can be for him. I guess I'm slightly afraid that he's gonna leave me for another girl, which he laughs at because he says that if anything, he should be more afraid of some other guy picking me up when "you're already better looking than me and constantly have guys all up on you."

I've expressed my concern about this and he says that he thinks I'm beautiful just the way I am. There's no reason for me to be so obsessed with maintaining my figure or wearing more makeup or dying my hair because he loves me most when I'm myself. And that he didn't get with me because of my looks (which I feel is counterproductive to my point, haha). But honestly, I can't shake that feeling of insecurity that it's become one of my biggest focuses to change my look so I can be his ideal.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? Any way I can rid myself of this insecurity? Or tips?

[Haley53]

I really think you need to work on the comparisons. Comparisons so often get people into trouble. :/ It's similar to managing the distance! If I constantly compared my relationship to people who get to see one another more than two to three times per year, I imagine I'd feel a bit more discouraged than not.

I'll admit that I was originally insecure over the fact that I did not seem to be my SO's type either. Granted, we were friends with one another while he was still in high school and into the typically pretty but somewhat-rebellious-somewhat-emo girls, but two years later, when we ended up together, I did momentarily worry because I'm far from that! I do generally feel attractive, a bit more pretty-girl-next-door than anything, but I was not his type like his ex was his type or the girl he liked before her and that bothered me.

The thing I had to do, though, was let it go. It's a lot easier said than done and it took me some time, but I realised that in the end, he considers me beautiful. He sees me as attractive, he loves me for me, and even if his previous type may not be so much his type anymore, it doesn't matter that I don't fit it. And maybe it helps because even though I have always found him extraordinarily attractive as well, there are things about him that aren't my type. His hair, for instance. I used to go for boys with hair a little longer than buzz cuts. But guess what? Turns out my SO's hair is layered and a bit longer and scruffier than that and it's one of my favourite things about him! Doesn't matter that no one I've been with or been interested in has had that type of hair, because I find my partner attractive. I love him to bits and there's nothing more to it.

"Type" is something that I tend to feel is more of an illusion than anything. It changes with time, and anyone can come and strike us off our feet without us having to think twice about it. Love and connection and chemistry are so much more than whether or not you have blonde hair or brown. The thing is that my SO loves me for me and as a result, I'm the most beautiful girl in the world same as he's the most handsome man. I feel like you're pedestalising "type," looking at it like a fantasy or something you can never be or fulfill, when what I think you need to be looking at it as is something ever-shifting. So he may generally be attracted to blondes, but he's not now. He's attracted to you. And you can't start being so insecure that you guide him off everytime a blonde passes you by.

You know you're attractive. You know he feels you're attractive. So own it! He loves everything about you and finds you beautiful as you are and some random blonde could never fill the space in his heart quite like you do. You need to work on doing your best to let go of your insecurities, face your "fears" (don't divert his attention etc.), and believe him when he says he loves you and you're beautiful. If anything, I would likely talk to him about looking in public. xD My partner's very good about not looking (my ex wasn't, and it does do a number on your self-esteem), and though he claims he doesn't really do double-takes when out walking either, and though I believe him, it's easier to think he's doing it on his own time than mine. We both accept that we're not blind to someone's beauty but that doesn't mean we're attracted to that person, if that differentiation makes sense. But we also both respect one another when we're out enough not to look.

[kiara_silver]

I went through this struggle a lot in the middle of our relationship, and at times still do. It's hard to not compare yourself sometimes, and especially with the distance. But realistically there is always going to be someone prettier, smarter, more, but it's not about any of that. He chose you, he loves and wants you. It's really hard, but you have to come to that mind set that your worth it and all he wants. Comparing yourself will make you go insane, trust me. Like Eclaire said, you know your attractive and he finds you attractive so remember that. It really is mental, and about self confidence, in yourself and your relationship.

[Deleted]

As they've said, you must work on comparisons. (And I am one to have issues with those at times too) My SO once admitted he used to dislike blondes. He liked tanned skinned and dark-straight-haired girls, with black or deep brown eyes...and he found one of the palest girls of all the city... a blonde, wavy hair, blue eyes; in a country where most are darker skinned. Plus I'm nearly flat-chested compared to most girls my age, so when I saw pictures of his female friends, all of them looking like his "ideal woman"... I had a small moment of feeling insecure.

I did not even tell him about this, it fortunately lasted a few days only, but turns out he saw me once (skyping) without makeup, in pijamas, my hair made a whole mess...and that night he told me that he loved the way I looked.

So if he says you're beautiful, just believe him! He chose you after all, no matter your hair colour, skin or eye shape. As you said you are aware of being attractive. I've been told a woman looks better when she projects self-confidence. Work with what you have

[floridaellen]

He's with you. He finds you attractive!
Normally I go for dark haired boys with dark eyes. Then I met my SO, who's blonder than me and has bright blue eyes. I love him and I think he's extremely attractive. Sure, when I see a dark haired guy, I may find him attractive. But I chose my SO. I think he's the most attractive man on this planet, even though others may not! He wasn't my ideal but now he is :]
It's hard to not be selfconcious. I get that. I am extremely selfconcious about my looks, even though I know my SO finds me attractive. Just remember that he chose you!

[fitfilipina]

Thanks for the support, guys! It's seriously becoming an obsession O_o lol

[Rugger]

I know this feeling well. All the girls my SO has been with previously ( that I know of) have been blonde and blue-eyed. I'm brunette with dark eyes. I get a little insecure because of it, but then I remember he's braving this LDR to be with me, not them

I also had a type before I met my SO. I liked tall, scrawny pale boys, with light eyes. Welll My SO has olive skin, with dark eyes and he's well-built. He's the best looking of all the guys I've been with, that have been my type.

I honestly don't think types matter all that much

[Engel]

I love to dress to look like a pin up. corsets, red lips, all that. my SO doesn't like it. I know there are guys that would have me more as their type as my SO (he likes more simple dressed yet pretty girls)

while he doesn't like me when I'm like this




Im sure a lot of guys do. and i get many many compliments when i go out like that.


but he likes me more when I'm wearing jeans and a normal shirt (he even doesn't like me in high heels that much. go figure.)





but jeans and shirt isn't how i feel better with myself. and i still get all dolled up to go out with polka dot dresses and high heels, because thats how i feel better (don't do it everyday, but nights out deserve it!). he hates me wearing corsets. but i feel pretty, and i still wear when i feel like it. my point is, even if you are not his type, he chose YOU for a reason, not a dumb blondie just for her hair color. when i had pink hair my SO hated it, but still was with me, even with a hair color he hated. you don't have to change. he wants to be with you for who you are, no matter what his ideal fantasy concept of a perfect girl may be.

[Manoek]

Don't you just hate being a girl sometimes I definitley understand how you feel, but I guess: "it's a girl thing"

He probably looks at other girls as well, you just don't notice boys will be boys.. And I look at boys as well, dark, blond, short, tall.. as long as they are hot, I will (secretly ) look at them!

My SO likes brunettes, I was a blonde for 24 years, and also when me and my SO fell in love..

Yes I'm a brunette now, but that is a total coincidence!! I allready planned of doing that. He fell for me 7 years ago when I was a blonde, he fell for me again 3 years ago when I was a blonde.

But anyway.. His ex girlfriends are skinny tall model looking brunettes, and I'm this short average, normal curved woman.
But I know that I am the best thing that every happend to him. He tells me al the time... Is there maybe something he can do or say to make you feel better? \\

I really don't think you have to worry!!

[fitfilipina]

You ladies are gorgeous!
I guess it's just cause I'm his first serious girlfriend (or girlfriend for that matter), and I just get so hung up on some random comments he makes like "every girl I've ever liked was blonde" or "there was this gorgeous, gorgeous lebanese girl in my class...and she was blonde!" so I'm just sitting there thinking "ooohhhkay, that's cool" and belittling myself when I honestly think he means nothing of it.

I just don't get how he constantly tells me I'm beautiful when I'm just in his shirt with no make-up done and then he'll look at some blonde girl with fake boobies or something. Guys are so weird! Kind of counter-productive cause then when we go out I doll myself up and look sexy and then he jokes that I should cover up cause I'm getting guys attention...

I guess it's just a confidence issue I have to deal with myself!

[Manoek]

You ladies are gorgeous!
I guess it's just cause I'm his first serious girlfriend (or girlfriend for that matter), and I just get so hung up on some random comments he makes like "every girl I've ever liked was blonde" or "there was this gorgeous, gorgeous lebanese girl in my class...and she was blonde!" so I'm just sitting there thinking "ooohhhkay, that's cool" and belittling myself when I honestly think he means nothing of it.

I guess it's just a confidence issue I have to deal with myself!

Ah thank you.. I Know exactly what you mean! I'm not really jealous, but this girl sending my SO a picture with "what would you do to me?" on facebook and he told me.. well... knowing everthing isn't fun either. So after my jealousy fit he knows that it's better for our relationship not to tell me stuff like that he still tells me A LOT.

Anyway.. maybe you should tell him that you don't want te hear EVERYTHING..

I just don't get how he constantly tells me I'm beautiful when I'm just in his shirt with no make-up done and then he'll look at some blonde girl with fake boobies or something. Guys are so weird! Kind of counter-productive cause then when we go out I doll myself up and look sexy and then he jokes that I should cover up cause I'm getting guys attention...

Sounds like he really loves you!! You really don't have anything to worry about.. And jealousy tears up relationships, so get over it! YOU CAN DO IT \o/

[Engel]

You ladies are gorgeous!
I guess it's just cause I'm his first serious girlfriend (or girlfriend for that matter), and I just get so hung up on some random comments he makes like "every girl I've ever liked was blonde" or "there was this gorgeous, gorgeous lebanese girl in my class...and she was blonde!" so I'm just sitting there thinking "ooohhhkay, that's cool" and belittling myself when I honestly think he means nothing of it.

I just don't get how he constantly tells me I'm beautiful when I'm just in his shirt with no make-up done and then he'll look at some blonde girl with fake boobies or something. Guys are so weird! Kind of counter-productive cause then when we go out I doll myself up and look sexy and then he jokes that I should cover up cause I'm getting guys attention...

I guess it's just a confidence issue I have to deal with myself!

so true! lol

my SO says he wants me to be hot and sexy for HIM, not for every gus to see.

[Manoek]

I think there is a line between what turns a guy on and what he actually wants. No guy (most guys?) don't want to date a porn star, they generally treat those girls as wank off material. I think they go for girls opposite you in fantasies, so that they don't objectify you. Not sure I can express what I am trying to get across, I've been up for 24 hours.

"They have fun with the blondes and marry the brunettes"



*And yes I just quoted Patty Stanger Millionaire Matchmaker *

[Engel]

"They have fun with the blondes and marry the brunettes"



*And yes I just quoted Patty Stanger Millionaire Matchmaker *

my SO married the blonde (me), and we have fun! lol

[Manoek]

my SO married the blonde (me), and we have fun! lol

There is always the exception of the rule