First visit me or him

[browneyedgirl08]

Hi, I recently got in contact with this gentlemen that I knew when I was in high school through our early 20's. We were friends and really liked each other a lot, however, there were barriers in the way. Either he was in a relationship or I was dating others, etc etc etc. When I first started liking my ex husband, I mentioned him to my friend and he got jealous and proposed to me. Actually it was silly, over the phone and I told him no. A couple of months later he came by my house and left a note, I wasn't there. Actually I really don't remember what the note said, I never heard from him again.

Now we are in our early forties. We're both single now.

I recently contacted him on Facebook. It took him a while to remember me, but he does now. We've been talking for a few days. Catching up. However, he lives 14 hours away from me. I even did a criminal background check just in case and he doesn't have anything.

He has brought up the subject that he wants to see me this summer or next year. He wants me to spend four days with him and assured me that I would be in good hands. His parents live next door and he would show me around and do sightseeing. he's willing to pay for my flight, either I could stay with him or stay in a hotel.

Here's the clencher. I think he should come see me before I make that determination. I did tell him I would think about it. We decided that the past was the past and we have a chance to start over and get to know each other.

My feelings for him have come back. My intention was just to contact him to keep in touch, honestly I didn't expect my feelings for him to return.

What does everyone think?

[Haley53]

Why do you think he should come see you first? Before I answer. :P

[browneyedgirl08]

I think he should make an effort, plus all my girlfriends tell me he should. Also safety reasons

[Haley53]

Hm, although I wouldn't discount them completely (and if your gut is going off, then I'd mind it), safety reasons would apply more, in my opinion, to someone you hadn't met yet as opposed to someone you went to high school with. Yes, it's been years, but you went to high school long enough to know and confirm he is who he says he is, which is most often the concern when people go off meeting others from online. Safety reasons can easily be combatted with first meeting and hanging with him somewhere public, like a coffee shop, amusement park, etc. and I also think the fact he's said feel free to stay in a hotel is a sign, too, that he can likely be trusted; it'd be odder if he were pushing you to stay at his.

As far as making the effort... Maybe I'm young, but I see that as being a bit old-fashioned. :P I went to see my SO first (and we hadn't met!) because it was what was most doable at the time. I had the money and the time and he didn't at the time to come see me. As far as making an effort is involved, he's already offering to pay for your flight which in my opinion is effort enough! What are his reasons for being unable to come to you? If they're valid then frankly, I think it's a bit uptight to hold him to the standard of "making an effort" when he's already offering to front the cost of your travel. Maybe he's not, himself, in a position to travel to you and so is offering for the next best thing.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with going to see him when reading this scenario.

[browneyedgirl08]

Thank you, perhaps I'm being uptight. I don't think he wants to come back to where we lived because of bad memories. He also mentioned I can be safe and wants me to trust him. Actually I've always trusted him for some odd reason. Honestly I'd rather stay with him than be in a hotel where I don't know anyone. Yet again, he's got two kids and his parents live next door. I'd be sleeping in the guest room.

Again I haven't made any plans or have said yes to him. I'm just seeking advice and honestly I want to see him again. My friends think I'm crazy if I go.

[Moon]

I don't see anything wrong with going to see him first, he seems to be trying to make this as comfortable as possible for you.
I'm also in my 40's, and to be honest, sometimes you just gotta take a chance. I flew to Finland from the US to meet my boyfriend for the first time, my guy is quite shy and not as adventurous as I am, so off I went. As long as the situation feels safe, who cares what your girlfriends say, just do it. Besides if you aren't talking about a visit until summer at the earliest, you have plenty of time to get to know each other better and discuss it further.

[Engel]

Hm, although I wouldn't discount them completely (and if your gut is going off, then I'd mind it), safety reasons would apply more, in my opinion, to someone you hadn't met yet as opposed to someone you went to high school with. Yes, it's been years, but you went to high school long enough to know and confirm he is who he says he is, which is most often the concern when people go off meeting others from online. Safety reasons can easily be combatted with first meeting and hanging with him somewhere public, like a coffee shop, amusement park, etc. and I also think the fact he's said feel free to stay in a hotel is a sign, too, that he can likely be trusted; it'd be odder if he were pushing you to stay at his.

As far as making the effort... Maybe I'm young, but I see that as being a bit old-fashioned. :P I went to see my SO first (and we hadn't met!) because it was what was most doable at the time. I had the money and the time and he didn't at the time to come see me. As far as making an effort is involved, he's already offering to pay for your flight which in my opinion is effort enough! What are his reasons for being unable to come to you? If they're valid then frankly, I think it's a bit uptight to hold him to the standard of "making an effort" when he's already offering to front the cost of your travel. Maybe he's not, himself, in a position to travel to you and so is offering for the next best thing.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with going to see him when reading this scenario.

exactly that!

he is willing to pay for the flight, you are free to stay in a hotel if you want to, and he is someone you know! i don't see anything wrong at all with you being the one to travel first

[browneyedgirl08]

Thank you, i'm going to give it some time to think about it. I'm pretty sure I will say yes and go see him. I'm a bit gaga. He did send me a text for Valentines yesterday. I thought he would call for sure and pretty bummed about it. I will get over it. LOL....

[rubydissolution]

I agree with what everyone else said. Bc he's someone you know tha safety issue isn't really a factor. At least for me the only reason there was a safety issue was bc I had never met my SO. So he came first. But for you, green light in going to him first ^^.

[browneyedgirl08]

Thank you, I spoke to my friend last night, she is still convinced its not a good idea, he should come first and then if I want to go I will go. Reason being, what if I have a horrible time, what if I don't like him, what would happen if it turned it to a disaster. Bla Bla Bla.

I'm starting to have doubts about this I texted him yesterday to say hi. He did not respond so now I'm over thinking and over reacting.

[Engel]

Thank you, I spoke to my friend last night, she is still convinced its not a good idea, he should come first and then if I want to go I will go. Reason being, what if I have a horrible time, what if I don't like him, what would happen if it turned it to a disaster. Bla Bla Bla.

I'm starting to have doubts about this I texted him yesterday to say hi. He did not respond so now I'm over thinking and over reacting.

everybody has busy days. if its the first time this happens its completely excusable! try not to over react.

[snow_girl]

Thank you, I spoke to my friend last night, she is still convinced its not a good idea, he should come first and then if I want to go I will go. Reason being, what if I have a horrible time, what if I don't like him, what would happen if it turned it to a disaster. Bla Bla Bla.

I'm starting to have doubts about this I texted him yesterday to say hi. He did not respond so now I'm over thinking and over reacting.

You could have a horrible time and not like him if he came to see you first too. At least you have the option if you are there to say it was nice but I am going to go stay in a hotel rather then having to host him at yours the entire time. Plus didn't you say it is only 4 days? That is nothing, I say go for it. You like him he seems to like you. Just cause he didn't respond doesn't mean anything, seriously, maybe he was just busy.

[Moon]

Thank you, I spoke to my friend last night, she is still convinced its not a good idea, he should come first and then if I want to go I will go. Reason being, what if I have a horrible time, what if I don't like him, what would happen if it turned it to a disaster. Bla Bla Bla.

I'm starting to have doubts about this I texted him yesterday to say hi. He did not respond so now I'm over thinking and over reacting.

Simple. You change your flight ticket and go home. You have an equal chance of having a horrible time if he comes to you, so what's the difference, really?

I think you're making too much of this, and relying way too much on what your friends are telling you. Have they ever been in a legitimate LDR? People who haven't been tend not to understand and advise you on their close distance experiences, if you read through the forums, you'll see most people have that problem. Look, I'm not saying "GO!", I'm saying if you really like this guy, and think there's a chance this could be something good, you'll never know unless you meet in person. If you don't, you have to ask yourself if it's something you'll end up regretting for a long time to come. Your girlfriend's future isn't at stake here, yours is, so go with your gut instinct and do what's best for yourself.

It's only a trip, after all. You aren't moving there

[browneyedgirl08]

I didn't know this thread went to a second page, thank you ladies.

I'm so glad I found this sight, I googled long distance relationship support.

My friend has never had a long distance relationship. She compared a couple who lives here that the guy is always coming to her, he is local. I told her the only thing I'm doing is going to the airport and he is coming to me. It is funny whenever I give her relationship advice she does the opposite and cries to me. LOL.... last night she kept texting her ex boyfriend and I kept catching her. LOL....

It will be a four day weekend. Whenever we firm up a date.

Anyway, he did call and leave a message last night, and said he has been busy, he didn't sound like he was in a good mood. I promise not to react anymore.

I totally agree missing the chance to see him. I know when he proposed when we were 19/20 was the wrong timing. Now we are both single, so you never know.