Serious Life Convos

[dgreenucf]

So my bfan I started talking about kids and marrage and serious things about moving and work. And normally those would be exciting things to talk about but what happenes when the plans don't blend well. He doesnt want a wedding, no fond of the idea of kids, and wants a job where he would be working 80-100 hr work weeks. Me I'm you typical all american that wants the 4/2 house on an acre with 2 kids running around in the yard with a dog and my dedicated and loyal husband after our beautiful wedding. I am more layed back rural girl where he is the city boy. Are these differences to much?

[kiara_silver]

Well I think a lot factors in. How far into the relationship are you guys? How long have you been together, because thoughts and future wants change over time. As far as weddings and where you live those can be compromised between the two of you such as a small wedding, certain location. But things like do you want children, this can be a deal breaker, how serious is this to you. Could you handle never having children? I think a serious sit down is important, talking things out and making sure you guys mesh together. A relationship is about give and take, but you have to a standing ground about the serious important parts to make it work. I would suggest really talking about everything and lay it all out on the table.

[Katelyn]

I think it is important to discuss how strong you feel about the different topics and if a compromise is attainable. I know my bf was upset when I told him I never wanted kids etc. But, then I told him I am too young to even be thinking about kids and I don't know how I will feel about them in the future. But, I decided as long as I have comfortably started my desired career after grad school then maybe it is something I would like and he was happy with that idea. I think just talking about it and the different options is a good idea!

[Engel]

Well I think a lot factors in. How far into the relationship are you guys? How long have you been together, because thoughts and future wants change over time. As far as weddings and where you live those can be compromised between the two of you such as a small wedding, certain location. But things like do you want children, this can be a deal breaker, how serious is this to you. Could you handle never having children? I think a serious sit down is important, talking things out and making sure you guys mesh together. A relationship is about give and take, but you have to a standing ground about the serious important parts to make it work. I would suggest really talking about everything and lay it all out on the table.

yes, that!

for me, not having a big wedding? ok, no big deal! just get married in the courthouse (like i did, but there will be a party in one year or so from now, when we have a religious ceremony, but i could do without it, if i had to. wouldn't destroy a childhood dream or something)

not having kids? boy, oh boy. it would be a deal breaker for me, and I would never be able to marry someone that didn't want kids. date, just to pass time? sure, but nothing serious, and definitely not marriage!


if he will work a lot, at least it shows he is hard working and would be able to provide for a family. but if the family would be just the two of you, and you aren't ok with this.. i think you should think hard about if this is really the man you will spend your life with.

how long are you together? yours and his age?

[Haley53]

Another thing to consider -is- the workload. 80-100hrs per week is 11+ hours a day. As someone who grew up with a nonexistent father due to his supposed work schedule, this is also something to consider. Being married or the child of a workaholic is not easy. You will be raising the children (if he decided he wanted them) single handedly (other than financially), so consider how you could handle being a single parent. You will also have to deal with the children wanting to know why their father does not love them/want to spend time with them, which he likely won't if he's working up to 14 hours a day.

You also have to think about how you'll personally handle this. Work will likely become a priority over you. Some nights work will likely carry over. He'll more than likely want to work and sleep, with that schedule. I realise this sounds harsh, but 80-100hrs a week is excessive and as someone who grew up with a workaholic, I first hand saw and, as his child, experienced the damaging and long term effect it can have. I would not have children with someone who worked that much, frankly, but to each their own.

Other than that, I agree with the others.

[digitalfever]

I think a lot of this stuff could have the potential to putting you in a situation that you otherwise do not want to be in. If your young and just into your relationship I’d say take his word with a grain of salt but if this was a serious “let’s make a plan” type of conversation I would really determine and pin point what you want and don’t want in your life.

[dgreenucf]

im 21 hes 26 n this is a very new relationship only 3 months so im taking it as serious, and he doen't seem like hes super set in his ways the work thing just makes me nervous. but that only 2yrs of the 80-100 hr wrk week then he'll hav a more flxable hr rate.

[books]

Another thing to consider -is- the workload. 80-100hrs per week is 11+ hours a day. As someone who grew up with a nonexistent father due to his supposed work schedule, this is also something to consider. Being married or the child of a workaholic is not easy. You will be raising the children (if he decided he wanted them) single handedly (other than financially), so consider how you could handle being a single parent. You will also have to deal with the children wanting to know why their father does not love them/want to spend time with them, which he likely won't if he's working up to 14 hours a day.

You also have to think about how you'll personally handle this. Work will likely become a priority over you. Some nights work will likely carry over. He'll more than likely want to work and sleep, with that schedule. I realise this sounds harsh, but 80-100hrs a week is excessive and as someone who grew up with a workaholic, I first hand saw and, as his child, experienced the damaging and long term effect it can have. I would not have children with someone who worked that much, frankly, but to each their own.

Other than that, I agree with the others.

This is good advice and I'm speaking not as someone who grew up with or was married to a workaholic, but as someone who was (still is) a workaholic. At my worst, I had 3 jobs and worked an average of 80-90 hours a week. To give you an idea of my schedule, I left my house at 8am and returned home at 2am the next day. I did this for 2 years and was nearly hospitalized for exhaustion. I lived with my ex at the time and pretty much never saw him. I had already detached myself from the relationship, but if this had been a relationship I was really invested in, there would have been no way I could sustain that schedule. Working that much will kill your relationship. Right now, I'm working 2 jobs with an average of 65 hours a week. When I close the distance with my SO, I only intend on working one full-time job.

Even if he just worked like that for 2 years, just imagine how those 2 years will be.

[Engel]

im 21 hes 26 n this is a very new relationship only 3 months so im taking it as serious, and he doen't seem like hes super set in his ways the work thing just makes me nervous. but that only 2yrs of the 80-100 hr wrk week then he'll hav a more flxable hr rate.

3 months, you still are in the honey moon stage, where is normal for couples to day dream about future together, so talk about marriage and/or kids are sometimes brought up. who knows, if he sees a wedding party is important for you, after a while together, he may even change his mind, just to make you happy!

but the kids thing is not something anyone should settle for. some people just never ever want kids, and they shouldn't be forced to have them because their partner wants them, they should find a partner that would be equally happy without kids. same for someone who wants them, you don't want to wake up someday, no matter how many years have passed, and feel frustrated and incomplete because you never had kids and feel stolen of something.


only you can tell what is really important to you! good luck!

[littleblue]

I think in a relationship, you need compromise. Just because he doesn't want to get married and have kids and wants to work 80-100 hours a week, doesn't mean you have to smile and agree - it's 2012!!

All relationships require compromise. If you aren't willing to compromise and neither is he, then neither of you will ever be truly happy together, particularly if you can't agree on whether or not to have kids.

But remember that people also change. My boyfriend and I are the same ages as you and your SO. He is also very career-driven at the moment, which is why we're LDR. I am definitely not one for long-distance, but it's a compromise I made for him. A year ago, I told him I couldn't stay with him if he had to move away and look at me now!!