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**ChibiFelicia** · February 21, 2012, 08:07 AM

Welcome to the forum! Im from the UK too! South though : ) My mans US

I gotta ask..how old are you?

**snow_girl** · February 21, 2012, 08:13 AM

I think what your parents are doing is extremely selfish. Telling you that they won't forgive you for living YOUR OWN life is cruel. Do what you want to do, follow your heart. One day your parents won't be around and you need to be able to say you didn't live for them missing out on opportunities your whole life.
I have been away from home for almost three years now and as much as my parents miss me, they have always been extremely supportive. We skype all the time, send packages and visit when we can.

That being said, I think it would be wise to meet with you SO a few more times before jumping in to closing the distance. He needs to come and meet your parents, show them that you would be in good hands if you were to move. You need to see what it is like to be with each other for more then a week. What you see isn't what you get, a week is just a tiny taste of someone on their best behavior. Why not apply for a holiday work visa for a year in Canada, if it works out then find a plan to stay longer, if not, you still had a great experience and can come home after the year is up.

Bottom line, it sucks that your parents are being unsupportive but you need to do what you want to do.

**ChibiFelicia** · February 21, 2012, 08:21 AM

Its why i asked how old she is. From my experience parents generally dont like you to leave before a certain age, and it s not just the age factor. School? Them not knowing your SO? Hell i'd be unsupportive if my sister just decided to up and leave and she's 21. If i'd never met the guy and they've only met once. With time family will tend to come around and support you but jsut from your first post it seems they dont know much about your SO. I wouldnt call them selfish, thats a little harsh. They're only doing what parents do, they're worried and yes their words were a little harsh but may be they didnt know how to react. I notice you said "if i woke up one morning and decided to go" sounds like they're worried you are just making a rash decision.

What snow_girl said about getting a holiday work visa will probably be the best idea. It'd be worth the experience regardless how your relationship goes.

**SophRoseBennett** · February 21, 2012, 08:26 AM

Hey wow thanks for the quick responses!

ChibiFelicia: Awesome! I live in the North West, well close to Liverpool anyways

I'm 19 years old

snow_girl: Thanks, yeah I told my auntie about how unsupportive they are and she told me that they can't stop me from living my own life. Really? So have you moved to Canada then to be with your SO? Where did you live previously? Well when I met my boyfriend that week I went with my dad (It was the only way they'd let me meet him) So my boyfriend and dad have met, and my boyfriend will speak to my mum over the phone sometimes as well.

It's just although I want to be with my boyfriend, he hasn't been very commited and I'm admitting that on here, I wouldn't dare admit it to my parents because they'd straight away tell me to break up with him and move on with my life. I love him so much but I get the feeling that he wants me to make all the effort like flying over to see him and then moving over there to be with him. Everytime I ask him if he'll come over to England he always says 'Yes I will be coming soon once my passport and flights have been sorted" but he still hasn't made an effort to sort them out. I know this may sound petty but for Valentine's day he suggested sending each other cards with a long message inside them, something poetic so I sent mine approximatley 2 weeks before V'day so it would arrive in time instead of late but he sent his card to me on the 13th February and then the next day my parents were asking where my card from my boyfriend was.

**SquishyLove** · February 21, 2012, 08:28 AM

This is a very tough dilemma, I can see...3 years is a long time to emotionally invest in someone, but you've only spent a week together in person, and now almost a year ago. And on top of that he hasn't made the effort to come see you even though he could.

I think both him and your parents are being unfair. He's being unfair because he refuses to even give England a chance as a possibility. It's also unfair of your parents to emotionally blackmail you to get you to stay. When me and my SO decided to get married and close the distance, I sat down with my parents and told them that me and him were, together, thinking very hard about where to live because we wanted to choose the place together which would benefit both of us the most and be a place for us to live the best life together. In an international relationship, someone's family will have to miss someone eventually. I told them that and told them what it would mean if we decided to live in Russia. He did the same with his parents. You and your boyfriend need to talk and get on to the same page if it's going to work out. You also need to come to an understanding with your parents that you get that they'd be sad if you moved, but his parents will be sad if he moves. Are they entitled to more than his parents? It's a hard thing to talk about. On principle, your parents shouldn't be trying to emotionally blackmail you or give you an ultimatum about moving. The thing is, he's also not putting in the effort that he once did, and you were the one who went to see him, and he hasn't come to see you and keeps putting it off. If, in the end, he doesn't make any more efforts for more visits (you need more to know if living together will work, and for immigration as well - the more visits you've had, the better it looks to immigration officials), I would say he expects you to do all the work and it's a one-sided situation which is always unhealthy.

You said yourself, you worked hard to save up money to go see him. In return, he has not done the same for you and he's made no effort to get a passport or anything like that together. When you talk often he wants to play games. In my opinion, it sounds like you have more invested in this than him, which is sad.

I understand wanting to continue fighting, but fighting by yourself for something is so emotionally draining.

In your shoes, I would handle it like this: I would get his full attention for a talk (try Skype instead of phone if you have cams, so you can see each other's faces during this talk), and let him know that this is serious. He has x amount of time to come see you for a visit, or you are going to re-evaluate where you are in this relationship. I know that's an ultimatum, but you're being given them all over the place by both him and your parents, and you deserve to have a say in your future as well. He's trying to pull you to him, they're trying to keep you with them, and all the while you've so far put the most work into the relationship. You deserve to be respected, hands down. If he doesn't get travel stuff together in a reasonable amount of time for you, then I would reconsider this relationship. It seems like it's either online-only or move to him, which the people around you are making difficult.

I have no doubt you love him. It's apparent from how you described separating after meeting. I just wish he were treating you the way you deserve to be treated, and I wish your parents were more supportive. I feel for you being in such a tough spot!

*HUGS*

EDIT: It took me a long time to post this and just saw your other replies. I want to say that if he's putting very minimal effort in during LDR, it'll most likely be more of the same if/when you guys close the distance.

And if you do decide to move, you'll have left behind your support network for getting more of the same, just in person instead. I think a temporary stay is a better solution so you can see if the two of you can live together. I just personally think it's odd that he isn't putting more effort in and is so lackadaisical about the whole thing. :-/

**snow_girl** · February 21, 2012, 08:39 AM

I left when I was 20, I had never traveled anywhere never mind by myself. It was a bug change but my parents supported me reminding me that I could come back at anytime. I first went to Germany (I am from Canada) that is where I met my SO then after a small time at home I went to the UK to be with him. If you did go away, it doesn't mean forever but they have to let you learn and make mistakes on your own.

I also agree with what squishy said. Let your SO know that he needs to come see you, otherwise you are not willing to move for him. If he isn't willing to make a short visit then he shouldn't expect you to make a long one.

**SophRoseBennett** · February 21, 2012, 08:51 AM

Thanks SquishyLove for replying to this. Yeah he is being unfair about England, he could at least come over for a visit. He's got the chance now to come and it just seems like he'd rather stay where he is and wait for me to come see him. The worst thing is i'm not at college anymore and my current part time job in the hotel is quiet so I'm home a lot now even though i'm applying to as many jobs as I can. I've always wanted to be an air hostess and I have an interview with an airline but it's going to take some time before I go for that interview so i'm trying to find other full time jobs, part time and even apprenticeships. No luck so far. I guess that's what is also making me feeling down and in limbo as well.

Well he's off today and tomorrow so when he comes online later today I think I will have to speak to him even though yesterday he wasn't really giving me a chance, he asked me to live with him and how i'd be so happy living together etc. All I want is for him to say to me 'Sophia, I've got my passport and my flight booked for such a date' and that would make my day knowing that he made an effort to come see me. Right now it just feels like Groundhog day and has felt like that for a few months now, I go online around 8pm British time so it's midday where he lives, we'll talk, he goes to work to do an 8 hour shift.

My best friend has told me more than once that he's not making much of an effort with me and that I should reconsider being with him. Sometimes that seems like the best option ending our relationship at the end of the day but now and again he reminds me that he wouldn't be able to cope without me being in his life and that i've made him happier than he's ever been.

Yeah I'll to sit down and talk to him sooner or later, I mean it's nearly been a year since we last saw each other.

**ChibiFelicia** · February 21, 2012, 08:56 AM

@snow_girl - iunno your story but it sounds like that you left home because you wanted to not because of someome. Theres a difference between leaving home to see the world and leaving home to be in x country because of someone. I never had the support from my parents when i left at 18 but after a while when they saw i was coping they turned around and supported me. Then when i wanted to move in with someone, hell broke loose lol. I guess to parents making that move to live with someone is totally different to moving for yourself.

@ soph - at 19 you're still young. Try not to blame them for being unsupportive but im sure you can see why they have resevations. The fact that you cant tell them about yours and your SO situation is reason enough. I'd have to agree with squishy. He needs to make an effort too.

**Tooki** · February 21, 2012, 08:57 AM

I wouldn't rush into planning a move at the moment. He isn't willing to consider a move to the UK and you two have only spent one week together in person. From my own experience, it takes longer to get a feel for each other and to deduce what you two are like together.

I recommend that you two make some more temporary visits before you consider a complete move

. Have you thought about getting a Working Holiday Visa and living in Canada for 1

If he won't make the effort to fly to the UK, then I would really think about the relationship. If he is lazy long distance, it will only appear worse when you two are close distance

**SophRoseBennett** · February 21, 2012, 09:12 AM

@ChibiFelicia

Yeah you're all right, he does need to make an effort. I used to think about waking up one morning and flying over to be with him but recently he just doesn't seem to want to make any effort. 3 years ago we were best friends that spoke online and we did agree that we'd just remain as good friends and then consider being more than friends somewhere down the line but we kind of just jumped straight into the deep end whilst we were still in high school. Sometimes and especially now I wonder if he secretly regrets getting into this relationship as we didn't have any previous relationships in high school.

@Tooki
Yeah thanks for the advice, I think i'm going to have to speak to him tonight but I don't know how to begin with the big conversation, anyone have any ideas? I'm so nervous

**Yaaamiii** · February 21, 2012, 01:27 PM

I'm not 100% sure of your situation as there is always more to a story. From what I've read, it does sound like he's kinda lazy in the relationship. I think if you feel like you're always the one putting in the effort, you are eventually going to get annoyed by it, if you aren't already. Maybe you've made things too easy for him? Maybe he's just not the type to be in a long distance relationship...It does sound like your parents are trying to watch out for you. We don't always realize things, but our parents know more than we think they do, and they're probably seeing things from a different perspective. Perhaps they are being biased, but maybe they've noticed that he doesn't seem to always put as much effort into your relationship. Parents are older than we are and because of that, they've experienced more things than we have. I dunno though. I guess it's kind of like...them knowing how a story ends because they've heard stories similar. I dunno if this made any sense, I'm no good with typing what I think in posts lol. Maybe the situation is exactly as you've said.

As for ideas, if you're trying to bring things up, I think it really depends on how you think he handles these kinds of situations. I personally would be very blunt and tell him exactly what he needs to hear...but that works with my SO and may not work with yours.

**lala** · February 21, 2012, 02:24 PM

My SO is Canadian too and I'm living in Germany. I went abroad for studying and we fell in love and were like 2 months CD. He didn't want me to leave too, but he knew that I have to go back to finish school so he let me go, but he promissed me to visit me in summer so he could meet my family and friends. That is really important to me and it seems for him too. I'm 23 so older than you, but I would never move to someone who knows nothing about my life and the people in it. My parents especially my dad is protective too,although I'm old enough to live my own life, but my mum,sister and other family members want me to be happy so they have less a problem if I would decide to go. I would give you the advice not to do those thing your parents want you to do just because they are "selfish" and don't want to leave them,cause one day you could regret this decission and hate your parents. But if they don't want you to go because they have problem with your SO I would tell him to come and meet them. You are sooo young

and maybe you haven't found yourself yet. If I think about me being 19 and now it's like heaven and earth. I changed completely..

Like the others said, make him come to England,spend time with him, take a working holiday visa and see if your relationship and your SO is really what you both want. GOOD LUCK

**Sierra** · February 21, 2012, 02:36 PM

I'm going to touch on what I think is the most important part of your whole post and leave it at that.

At a certain point in our lives, whether it be when we're 12, 18, 15, 30, 45 or 60, we have to individuate from our parents. It's a hard process for both child and parent, no matter what the age, but it's something that has to be done. When you're willing to do it, you'll know when the time is right.

My mother and I have been extremely close my entire life. It's just been her and I and I know she doesn't want me to move, but she also knows that I have to live my own life, I have to have a chance to have my own family and she can't keep me under her protective wing forever.

At the same time, (and I'm saying this without consideration of your LDR) we all need to be able to make our own mistakes to learn from them. I understand why your parents would be worried, I understand the urge to avoid this, I really do. But answer me this simple question ... if you weren't in a LDR would now be the right time to spread your wings?

---------- Post added at 11:36 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:34 AM ----------

I do want to add, after reading over your post again it does seem like there are some issues here that need to addressed. Relationships hit 'slumps' in my mind at 2 years, 3 years (this one is usually a breakup), 5 years and 7 years ... maybe he's in a slump.

Talk to him about the behavior that's bothering you. If you can't get through to him verbally and really be understood - write him a letter. But you do need to communicate your needs, wants and expectations from the relationship. We all experience the ebb and flow that comes with relationships, some are more extreme than others.

**Bethypoo** · February 21, 2012, 02:41 PM

I will try to keep this sort so you don't have to read forever. And it may sound harsh but it isn't meant to be at all. I am just giving you something to think about. I think if you two feel so strongly things WILL work out!!

1) 3 years is a long time to be together, however starting at 16 is young. You do have a life to live. I would suggest going to college and getting you degree and going from there.

2) with the first point, I guess you could study abroad

3) You parents love you, and what they are doing, though it is a but much, is understandable. But you need to do what you need to do. Do I think they would be mad- yup. Do I think they would get over it- eventually.

4) come up with a plan. Not just a general plan. A 'to the point' plan of what you guys want to do. Jobs, school, housing, rent, other expenditures, travel (to see family)/holidays.

5) and with another person who posted above, you haven't spent much time face to face together. And that is important before you decide to up and move your life for this guy. He seems to expect a lot from you but isn't being to flexible in return.

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I need some advice please...

I need some advice please...

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