IN DIRE NEED OF HELP!

[jenjepp]

me and my boyfriend have been in a ldr since march 2010. lately, we have been fighting a lot and talking about breaking up. when we first started dating, i told him i would be the one to move once he graduated college and found a job. but now, i realize that i cant do that. i have a lot of family, while he just has his parents. and his only reason for not wanting to move here is because his parents would be upset and hate him. they are very nosy and have a strong hold on him. neither of us want to move, but we still have strong feelings for one another. he came here for two weeks and just left yesterday. we broke up because neither of us wants to move. what should i do? should i try to convince him to move here or should i just cut my losses and move on?

[Haley53]

You could try speaking to him about it, but in the end, a LDR isn't going to work if neither one is willing to move. Quite frankly, it's not fair to try and push him into moving there when you have your own reasons for being stubbornly unwilling to move to him, either. At this point, I say cut your losses, but this may be a bit of a biased opinion considering I had someone, in a previous LDR, trying to pressure me into moving there even if that had never been my plan at all.

[ushiwakafox]

Whether his parents are nosy and obnoxious or not, you are basically doing the same thing he is. To him, you're saying "well I have more to loose so my stability is more important". I think you both need to think seriously about your priorities. Family will always be very important, but if you two want a life together, you are going to need to put each other on an equally high rank in your priority list. Stop pointing fingers and talk rationally about it all. I understand where you're coming from though, my SO is also very grounded to his family and it can be quite irritating from time to time.
It's up to you to decide if this fight is worth moving on over or not. I would say really try to work things out as best as you can before deciding to just move on though.

I hope everything works out for you.

[jenjepp]

thanks you guys. i know it seems like we are both being stubborn. it's just that my mother is on dialysis and is constantly sick, and she's my best friend. in order to move to be with him, i would have to give up everything. friends, family, my job, my apartment, etc. while he still lives at home with his parents, and has yet to find a job. there are a lot of little things to consider. thanks for the advice.

[Sierra]

My honest opinion is this. Just because you have more family doesn't mean that his bond with his family is less valid. It does sound like he doesn't want to leave because of fear, but are those his words, or yours because you guys broke up yesterday. How far away are you talking about moving? Why can't you move?

If neither of you are willing to compromise, move on.

[jenjepp]

i live in omaha, and he's in minnesota. it's about six hours away. and those are his words. he has told me before that he's afraid. he's an only child and was never away from his parents for more than a day, until we started to date. i know that my reason isnt any better than his, but my mother is sick and his parents are in perfect health. not to mention, my mother wouldnt have any money to come visit me, and his parents are very wealthy. i know it sounds like an excuse, and maybe it is. i just wanted someone else's opinion on it.

[Bethypoo]

If neither of you are willing to bend, there there really isn't much that you can do.

Eventually one of you will have to move away if you want to be together. But if you wont do that, then honestly there is no point in continuing the relationship. As sad as it is. But maybe you two need some time. See how it goes. Maybe being in your time apart one, or both og you would eventually chose to be together. And find that is more important than pleasing you families.

So, either one of you has to give in, or you both have to move on.

[Zephii]

Don't ask someone to do something you are not willing to do yourself. Really, it's that simple.

I know how you feel, I think we all do. Many of us have to face it. This is how it is: Neither of your families is more important than the other.

There comes a time when you must decide what is best for you as individuals (without considering what's best for your family - just you) and what is best for you as a couple. What is best financially? What gives you the best job/career opportunities? What will be best for your future children if you decide to have them?

You can not live your life for your parents. It's harsh but it's true. You must live your life for yourself.

How much does the relationship mean to you? To both of you? Sometimes you love a person, but they are not worth the sacrifices... and that's ok too.

ETA: I do think though, that he's perhaps just too young/immature/not ready. Your mum is sick, and you want to look after her. It doesn't say much for him if he's unwilling to support you simply because he's too scared.
Six hours isn't that far either. To me, six hours seems like nothing really.

You mentioned his parents being able to travel but not your mum, but the thing is, the burden of traveling falls on the couple most of the time, not the people left behind. You need to be in a position where you can afford those visits.

[Sierra]

i live in omaha, and he's in minnesota. it's about six hours away. and those are his words. he has told me before that he's afraid. he's an only child and was never away from his parents for more than a day, until we started to date. i know that my reason isnt any better than his, but my mother is sick and his parents are in perfect health. not to mention, my mother wouldnt have any money to come visit me, and his parents are very wealthy. i know it sounds like an excuse, and maybe it is. i just wanted someone else's opinion on it.

It is an excuse. I'm sorry hun.
I understand and commend you on wanting to be there for your mother, but again, just because his parents are wealthy, or he's never been away from them doesn't mean that his bond with them means LESS than YOUR bond with your parents. Six hours is plenty close enough for a ton of visits either way.

If you're not willing to leave your family, is it fair to expect him (because you are expecting him to) to leave his? Is there no compromise here?
His parents are wealthy, yours aren't? Can't you work and visit? Why does the monetary issue have to fall on parents at all?

[jenjepp]

i'm not expecting him to move at all. i know he doesn't want to. that's why we broke up, because we both accepted that we don't want to move. i'm simply trying to re-evaluate everything and re-think every little thing. and like i said, i wanted other opinions. but with this, there really isn't a compromise. either i have to move, and give up everything, or he has to move and give up living with his parents. the only reason i'm saying anything back is because i think i have more to give up than he does. a lot more, actually. a job, a house, and a family. and i know his family is just as important as mine is, but i also have a job and a house to lose, while he doesn't. i don't know, you guys. i'm just really confused about everything.

[Zapookie]

Well I'm going to say that usually it's the person with the least ties to where they reside that should be the one to move. But you also have to consider what would be more beneficial for the long term. I'm going to side with you and say that if anyone should move, it should be him. You can't force him though, and if he doesn't want to, then you did the right thing in breaking up.

My SO wants to move here. We live in different countries and it's much easier for someone to gain residency here than it is in his country. However he does have his family & friends and I have mine. His country is a lot cheaper in terms of food and living, but wages are less than they are here. His country also does not have a healthcare system in place, where as mine does. In the long run, it would probably be better to live here, but even I don't see myself living in my own country for the rest of my life, I'd love to live in his town for a while just to experience the culture and people.

[Sierra]

The moving situation is really hard, maybe right now isn't the right time, but does it mean you have to break up if you both really care about each other? Why not revisit the issue in 6 months?

[marbear31]

First off, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, hon. *hugs* The thought of giving up your entire life as you know it for one person--it's scary, isn't it?

I read all the posts before this, and I think it's pretty well established you two need to talk. :P I hope you give yourselves this opportunity; however, before you do, I'd sit down and make a list of pros and cons of each side. You've mentioned your respective families; obviously, you both have ties, so that is equal. Your mother is sick; you have responsibility toward her, as family, but, so does he, even if his aren't reliant on him for physical care.

I'm from the States as well (Missouri, represent!), and one thing I love about the States is the ability to drive. Thank God for Henry Ford, yes? :P My point is, you both can drive to visit one another, and I believe it would be possible to maybe meet somewhere in the middle--maybe you can move to a point that's sort of equidistant from your respective current locations?

To me, the issues seems to boil down to the time frame you'd want/need to be CD. If it's immediate, it's most reasonable for him to move to you, because you have the most security. If it's distant, then this changes, because you both have time to build up varying securities. Ultimately, it will involve compromise--and I wish I knew how it would end--but I think it's possible to work out your issues. I think the best thing would be to sit down together, and completely exhaust the pros/cons of moving to each place, if it needs to be resolved immediately. If not, then give it some time, and see where you are in 6 months/a year.

Best of luck!!!!! I really hope you guys get back together and it works out.

[keypatalina]

I'm going through the same thing, although I'm willing to move to him but he doesn't want to stay in his home state/town so my moving would be unreasonable right now, and all I can say is that you need to talk about it. However, if neither of you is willing to move, then it's not going to work and though you can revisit the issue in a few weeks, months, etc., I feel putting it on the back burner only stresses the situation when you have an impending life event like a graduation. Maybe give each other some emotional space and see what happens, it's an absolutely sucky situation and I'm in it too so I just wish the best for you. Good luck!!!!

I really do believe that love conquers all, my mother says I'm naive but I refuse to lose my faith in love just because others have lost theirs

*hugs*

[Rugger]

You can't expect him to move if you won't. Both partners should be prepared to move for their SOs. Both my SO and I are prepared to move when the time comes. WIth us, it just depends on who gets a permanent job first. If I get a job first, he's moving to me. If he gets one, I'm moving to him. At first, I wasn't willing to move away from my family. We are very close and I'd be lost without them. But eventually I realized that they wouldn't want me to put my life on hold for them. My family wants me to be happy and if happy means being with my SO, that's what they want.