Girlfriend still is active on dating site. What should I do?

[weetzie]

obviously she doesn't see this relationship as real as you see it. it's just a "thing" to her or else she wouldn't be looking for somebody closer. or is addicted to flirting with and starting relationships with people online. i wouldn't proceed with this relationship.

[temporaryuser]

First off, have you both decided and discussed that you are in a monogamous relationship? That neither of you will see or talk to other people and that you are both committed to this relationship? You cant just assume that she feels the same if you havent openly discussed it. Just because she says she deactivated the account doesnt mean the above.
Now if you have discussed it, and she said she was committed to you, then you have every right to confront the site with her. Like others said, dont accuse, simply bring it up

[erina]

breaking up with her is gonna hurt like a SERIOUS MOFO!!! and it will hurt for months and months and months. but it's the only thing to do. if she is saying to them she doesnt have a boyfriend, in her mind, you are not her boyfriend. i am so sorry. i would however have a huge talk with her about this and get her side of things. and you are right to snoop. trust your instincts!!!!!!

talk to her... she doesnt seem very serious about u at all.

[littleblue]

aha I thought the same. But if he asks her to delete it she would just do it because he wants it. What if she deletes it and create an new one with another name??..

Didn't consider that, very true! I have to be honest, If my SO did that to me, I would count it as cheating and I'd be out of there in a heartbeat, No second chances.

[Kerry]

you need to talk to her about this, hun. if she's telling guys to actively pursue her then she's not ready to be with you. and if she's telling other guys she doesn't have a boyfriend??? you don't need her!

[Moon]

Oh my. OK, my opinion might not be nice, or appreciated by some, but whatever, as usual

OP - You really are wrong for snooping, don't ever do it again, OK? If you were my guy I'd dump you immediately for that, and it's just plain wrong. That being said, and I don't mean this to sound stupid, but are you SURE you're exclusive? Did you guys say those words? If you did, ignore all the "talk to her" posts, that's crap. You have solid proof that she's at the very least attempting to date other guys, I know you think you love her, but at under 4 months, you're better off getting rid of her now rather than investing real time into this, and find out later that she's still screwing around with other men. And, she will. If she's doing this during the "honeymoon period", what'll she do when you get a bit boring?? I can't stress to you enough that it's not worth it to continue the relationship, and after such a short time, you'll get over her relatively quickly, and you can find a nice girl who won't do this to you.

There is NO good reason for what you've found, no good excuse, or story. If she is actively engaging in conversations with guys, there is no "talking it out", unless you want your heart broken later. Maybe she'll tell you she's just looking for friends, but that too is crap.

On the other hand, if you two never actually had a discussion about the status of your relationship, disregard everything I just said, and have one. Maybe she doesn't know she's cheating? That's the only legitimate reason for this, that I can think of. I'm only mentioning this because if her profile is open and active, unless she's as dumb as a box of rocks, she's aware you can see it. By her not hiding it, it makes me wonder if you're on the same page in the relationship. Whichever way it goes, good luck.

[Sora1101]

Tell her you found out that she was still on the site and see what she has to say, get her side of the story before jumping to conclusions if she lies to you again I would say cut and run, you can't build a relationship off of lies.

[lala]

I agree, and I never said the length of time mattered. I would never okay this behaviour. My SO would be dumped by this point had I found this out. My point is that sometimes relationships aren't worth making work. If they'd been together three years, they have more of a history and a foundation. Being together four months, it may be worth it to cut their losses and break-up. If something happens this early on into a relationship, then I don't even think the very foundation is there, was my point. My point is also that he can't be playing games by making fake accounts. That's ridiculous. You either own up to it and work on the issue or you cut your losses and move on. I also don't know where I ever said she cared. o.O

I totally agree with you on the point with the foundation. If she is acting like this in the beginning he should be really careful. I have a problem with telling someone what they should do- like delete her account. he should be honest with her, but well if he tells her that he snooped she might be upset because that was not right. it's going to be an argue anyways.

I had a similar situation and I chose to creat a fake account because I had no other way to find out what he would do. I thought well we are going to be LD for one year, so let it better find out sooner than later.. After I did it, I confronted him.. he denied that there was a "bad" intention then he said that I hurt him with what I did.. and so on.. It was a big speed bumb in our LDR and it wouldn't have happend if he had thought about me just one second. To come to an end, I forgave him because it was not THAT bad, he explained everything to me and I believe what he said, but still every now and then I think about it and I guess I will never forget it.

Would I like to change what I did? hmm no cause if I talked to him he would have deleted the profile.. just because I wanted it and not him and I don't want to behave like a parent telling my child what he/she should do and not.

[kteire]

I agree with Eclaire that you need to be upfront, don't try to entrap her by lying or faking being someone else. Just be honest and don't stoop to her level of deception. What she's doing is very hurtful, and it honestly doesn't sound like she's that invested. You deserve better, so for your own good you need to get it out in the open and decide how you want to move forward from it.

Sorry to hear it, and good luck!!

[Haley53]

ok so if she cares about him and considering as her bf would she be on a dating site and flirting with guys,telling them that she is single?? noo my dear! and it doesn't matter if they are 1months or 10 years together. This behaviour is not ok. It's up to you how you want to confront her. either you let it be and trust her or you talk to her and hope that she's honest to you or you creat a fake account and see if she would go on a date.. good luck with your decision! I wish you the best man

I agree, and I never said the length of time mattered. I would never okay this behaviour. My SO would be dumped by this point had I found this out. My point is that sometimes relationships aren't worth making work. If they'd been together three years, they have more of a history and a foundation. Being together four months, it may be worth it to cut their losses and break-up. If something happens this early on into a relationship, then I don't even think the very foundation is there, was my point. My point is also that he can't be playing games by making fake accounts. That's ridiculous. You either own up to it and work on the issue or you cut your losses and move on. I also don't know where I ever said she cared. o.O

[lala]

ok so if she cares about him and considering as her bf would she be on a dating site and flirting with guys,telling them that she is single?? noo my dear! and it doesn't matter if they are 1months or 10 years together. This behaviour is not ok. It's up to you how you want to confront her. either you let it be and trust her or you talk to her and hope that she's honest to you or you creat a fake account and see if she would go on a date.. good luck with your decision! I wish you the best man

[Haley53]

aha I thought the same. But if he asks her to delete it she would just do it because he wants it. What if she deletes it and create an new one with another name??..

I don't mean to single you out, but to the OP, this is a good example of what oftentimes goes wrong.

The thing is that she's so shattered your trust through this experience that if you want to work on putting it back together with her, you're going to have to put in as much effort, if not more, than she is, because while you'll be entitled to having issues with trusting her etc., you won't be entitled to the same levels of paranoia as exhibited in the above post. And you are going to be hit with those paranoid thoughts and ideations, because you are going to have issues trusting her with this. If she deletes her account or simply stops using it, that's not going to prevent you from fretting and finding every possible scandal she could be pulling. Every normal glitch in her behaviour will likely come back to the possibility of her doing something similar to what she is now, meeting/seeing other people, etc. The thoughts are going to be intrusive. It's not going to be a situation where you confront her, she apologises, and all is dandy, and this is where you need to decide if it's worth it. Why? Because you will NOT have a right to access her accounts (snooping is wrong and in my opinion, shows a problem in the relationship even before all this happened), you will NOT have a right to monitor where she goes and with who, or to check in on her... All those things that would make you feel better in the moment? You aren't going to have a right to follow through on them.

What you're going to have to do is make the decision to forgive it and move on. This thing that's happened between you two? It's something you're going to need to put behind you. You cannot obsess over it, hold it against her, continue to allow yourself to freak-out about it or have her coddle those anxieties, and you cannot dwell on it as best as you can. You cannot use it as an excuse for your behaviour, to justify your behaviour, or to make something that previously wasn't okay okay now, and I think a lot of people tend to have issues with this. It's why a lot of people may not be broken up by the original behaviour but are broken up because of the conflict and tension that arises after it; sometimes the person assumed they would go so far as to cheat (and I would almost count what your girlfriend did cheating) is the one who breaks it off, because they can't handle what's come of their decision. The thing is that this is one of those things that you can not hold onto resentment for, and a lot of people can't do that. I think it's worth thinking about and deciding whether or not she's worth it.

Four months is not that long. She may have decided that this relationship isn't worth it or she may decide she's not taking it seriously. Thing is that I would confront her about it. You snooped, it was wrong, but you did it, so own up to it. Don't play games like pretending to be someone else with a fake account, mentioning how much you care about her and how you don't want to lose her, etc. Be honest about it. Be straight. See what she says, and decide if it's something you both want to work through or not.

[lala]

I don't think you should trick her into going on a date by creating a fake profile or account or whatever. Ask her again to delete it. Try not to get too wound up or angry, but it is important in a relationship to explain how it makes you feel. Let her know if you feel disrespected.

If she refuses to delete it, or continues to use the account after speaking to her again, I'm sorry to say it, but you aren't important enough to her, and deserve better anyway.

aha I thought the same. But if he asks her to delete it she would just do it because he wants it. What if she deletes it and create an new one with another name??..

[littleblue]

I don't think you should trick her into going on a date by creating a fake profile or account or whatever. Ask her again to delete it. Try not to get too wound up or angry, but it is important in a relationship to explain how it makes you feel. Let her know if you feel disrespected.

If she refuses to delete it, or continues to use the account after speaking to her again, I'm sorry to say it, but you aren't important enough to her, and deserve better anyway.