How do you handle differing beliefs?

[Jezah]

I am in a bit of a snit atm, because HBB and me just had an argument over....of all things, ghosts. I was a non believer for many years but had several odd events happen that changed that. I believe now, but not in a blind way. I tend to rule out logical reasons for things before I leap to ghosts. Its essentially a last case scenario for me. On Valentines Day I was on the phone with HBB when I walked into my bathroom. My comb flew off the shelf at me and landed at my feet. I, obviously, screamed and ran out of the bathroom. I was still in the sightline of the comb and saw it on the floor, freaked out now I went into the living room to calm myself while a sleep HBB tried to convince me this was normal. Well, beginning to think maybe I was a big baby I went back into the bathroom to find my comb, that was on the floor 10 minutes before, in my toilet. THAT IS NOT NORMAL! So I was a bit freaked, and HBB is sitting there seriously trying to convince me that in the 10 minutes I was sitting down my cats had sneaked into the bathroom, picked up my comb and put it in the toilet. My cats wouldn't do that, they don't pick things up in their mouth and after my scream they were all hiding anyways.

Today I mentioned it again after letting it go V-day. HBB is still pig headed and 100% sure it was something logical though he can't think of what. He admits he has never done any research into paranormal things, has no religious beliefs against or for it, and is frankly ignorant of all things ghostly. As opposed to me who has always been open minded and so had researched it for years, yet he refusing to even ACKNOWLEDGE that maybe they exist. He is being so close minded and ignorant and I am really upset, not because I want him to believe in ghosts but because I hate close mindedness in anyone. To know my own BF is such a closeminded ignorant person over something that I believe and have tried to neutrally explain to him...makes me mad. He, in an attempt to not be ignorant, spend 15 minutes on Wiki looking up ghosts and very cockily came back with quotes from some dude on the board of "scientific skeptics' or some crap saying there is no scientific proof ghosts exists as if that ends the conversation in his favor. Then I bring up my own surveys and he automatically says "Those are faked" or "Hard to believe since so many are proven to be faked". Close minded in the EXTREME.

I am just, speechless, I feel so stunned that I somehow ended up with someone like this. I still love him, but feel now like I didn't know this side of him...probably because unlike him I tend to be open minded about everything so we never had this issue.

[jenniferjade]

My SO isn't that close-minded so I can usually give him a bunch of information and he will concede that maybe anything is possible. In your case, I'm unsure. Does your SO believe in God? If so, remind him that many things in the Bible, such as the parting of the Red Sea and Jesus rising again aren't very scientific and cannot actually be proven either. At least, I don't think they can. That will only work if he believes in God, though. Other than that, he might not ever believe unless something paranormal actually happens to him.

[digitalfever]

Yeah, I also thought that too. If he’s Christian many a times they simply DON’T believe in the paranormal/ghosts it just doesn’t exist. Even so, I don’t think that he is being ‘ignorant’ in this situation. He’s entitled to what he thinks went on and saying “yeah, that could be the case” is only going to appease your thoughts on the situation.

I can agree with his sentiments on the basis that research for paranormal activity is usually not based on empirical data and is a much vested subject area. If the data is empirical it’s not easily understood and there is more often than not no definitive answer. Therefore much of the data is not scientific or is considered to be pseudo-science.
Couples don’t have to agree on everything.

[11MikesGirl21]

I'm a fairly devout Catholic and I really do belief that there are ghosts in the world. My theory of where they come from may be different than most but I still do believe that they exist.

I don't think that believing or not believing in ghosts is a major issue to be concerned with though. If it was very fundamental--like a belief in God--I wouldn't know how to handle it. Ghosts for me I can take it or leave it. I forget exactly where my SO stands on ghosts, but in other stuff where we have differing views we tend to just let it go.

I don't think he's necessarily closed minded. I think he's just a person who requires proof and he hasn't had any firsthand experience he can use as proof. You said you didn't necessarily believe until some stuff happened to you. Maybe he's the same way.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Well, I mean, your boyfriend has a point in that there is no way to empirically prove that ghosts exist. You can only depend on anecdotal evidence, which by its very nature is unscientific. Also, a lot of these things are faked. There was a whole spiritualist movement in the late 19th-early 20th century that was pretty much entirely proven to be fakery by bored Victorian housewives.

As for me, I believe that it's possible for ghosts to exist, and have had more than one creepy experience of my own, but admittedly it's not something I think about much.

[Haley53]

I actually don't see him as being ignorant and closed-minded in this situation. I see you as being more narrow-minded than he is.

While I have a massive distaste for empirical evidence and generally tend to be someone who questions science and what it can and can't prove (reincarnation, for example. I believe in it, but it's not something that can be empirically proven or disproven, whereas I have issues with some things that have been proven), I also feel that people are entitled to believe what they want to believe and subscribe to what notions and ideas and principals they choose to subscribe to.

I believe in reincarnation. I believe that we have a "higher self" and a soul/psyche. I believe in the power of the subconscious and that the subconscious can access unlimited amounts of potential, opportunities, and resources that one cannot necessarily access from their conscious mind. I subscribe more to homeopathic remedies and therapies than I do to Western medicine. I generally prefer the more Eastern way of thinking about and perceiving the world than I do the Western way. My SO does not share every single one of these belief patterns, and for some, he hasn't formed an opinion because he's not as educated in the matters as I am, but that doesn't mean that even if I flooded him with, say, literature on reincarnation that he's going to believe in it any more than I do now. And that's okay. If it comes up in our conversations, he listens respectfully. If it turned out to be a situation like yours, where my belief system might have somewhat clouded the circumstances, I imagine my SO would have done the same as HBB. My SO will share his honest opinion if asked to give it. That's okay too.

I can understand you wanting him to be more open-minded, but who's to say he isn't? By refusing to accept the scientific literature he sent you within ten minutes of reading, by making it clear that you want him to believe in ghosts and that you're not sure you love this part of him that can't, you're being narrow-minded to the way he believes. I can understand wanting to be on the same level of your partner when it comes to something that's important to you, but you have to be reasonable, really. Couples aren't going to agree on everything and sometimes those core belief systems and values are one of them. I can't get insulted because my partner doesn't see reincarnation in the same light I do. Why should I? Reincarnation is something that, like ghosts, cannot be proven or disproven, so why should I shove it down his throat? He respects the fact that I believe in it. I should respect the fact that he doesn't.

Not believing in the paranormal, metaphysical/psychological, or some higher power does not make you narrow-minded. It means you simply don't believe. Believing in ghosts does not make you a quack. It means you believe in ghosts. I think where narrow-mindedness comes in is maybe in not being open to it at all, not necessarily questioning it. He's debating with empirical evidence and the possibility that it could have been your cats. Even if you're convinced it wasn't, all you can do is debate with your own evidence. Sure, he's coming back with a generalised statement, but for one, there is a lot of evidence for ghosts/the paranormal that has been faked (I could argue the same with empirical science, though, really, as far as biases) and sending him literature isn't going to be what it takes to convince him, and for another, he may not even care enough to form an opinion on ghosts. :/ My SO may not have an opinion, for example, on the healing power of certain herbs and oils and he may be hesitant to use them himself and to believe in their properties, but he likely doesn't care enough to delve deeper into it. That doesn't make him narrow-minded. It means there's a conflict of interest.

Frankly I see being closed-minded as saying something's completely impossible, not wanting to discuss it, and being intolerant of other's opposing belief system. HBB has not done that. He debated/argued you, albeit not very strongly, and it sounds like he tried to convince you it was normal because you were so shaken up. Men tend to respond to problems with logic. I think that the key thing would be his respecting your belief and whether or not he's doing that. So long as he's not trying to shove that "ghosts don't exist" down your throat, however, and so long as he's respectful of you when you talk about it, I don't see the issue. I see trying to convert someone into believing something you're convinced is the right way is more narrow-minded, because I think being open-minded recognises that your way is not the only way and sometimes being in a relationship means being faced with that head on.

[lucybelle]

My SO thinks global warming is fake. So I call him stupid and we laugh about it. I'm not going to change his mind and he won't change mine. I guess he'll figure it out when the ice caps all melt...

Most things we agree on. When we don't, we agree to disagree.

[Zapookie]

Most things we agree on. When we don't, we agree to disagree.

Same here. Whenever there is something we don't agree on, we just go back and forth for a bit, giving our reasons, then just agree to disagree. Neither of us tries to prove the other right/wrong. Neither of us thinks the other is narrow-minded for not agreeing with what we say. If that were true, then we'd BOTH be narrow-minded.

I don't feel that this is as big an issue as you're making it. Its OK for couples to not have similar beliefs in things, that's what makes things exciting. You get to share your views/beliefs/stories and he gets to share his views/beliefs/stories, but it should be done in a respectful and mindful manner.

[jenniferjade]

It sounds to me like she is more upset with the fact that he refuses to even acknowledge that it's possible, especially since it's something she believes in. Being upset because someone doesn't believe in something that can't be proven is one thing, but when that someone is your SO and they will not even try to see your side of it, that's another. I think that if she tells him something paranormal happened to her, he shouldn't immediately discount it. SHE obviously believes it happened that way so he should at least be willing to admit it's possible.

Even the one time when you said he tried to 'not be ignorant', it doesn't sound to me like he was looking up the information in order to learn about it. Sounds like he was looking it up in order to cement his belief that it doesn't exist. I don't know, I just think that being your boyfriend, he shouldn't immediately dismiss what you believe in and should at least try to acknowledge your take on it. Just ask him how he would feel if he believed in something strongly like you do, and instead of taking the time to learn about it, you blew it off. He probably wouldn't like it. I'm not saying he has to believe like you do, but he should at least look into it.

[Bethypoo]

My SO thinks global warming is fake. So I call him stupid and we laugh about it. I'm not going to change his mind and he won't change mine. I guess he'll figure it out when the ice caps all melt...

Yea, Chris and I have differing beliefs. Mostly due to his religious beliefs and my lack thereof. Don't get me wrong, we do argue about it on occasion. But at the end , like lucybelle said, we agree to disagree. I think he is an idiot and he thinks I am stupid. So it works out.

I mean, you aren't always going to agree and that is okay. As long as you can accept that. I mean, it would be great if we never argued and our SOs adopted our views about everything... but where is the fun in that?

[Zephii]

We agree to disagree... or I call him mean names, he gives me the silent treatment, I grovel and then we agree to disagree.
Generally, we try and understand the other person's point of view, even if we think it's a bit stupid.

You can't agree on everything, so unless it's something that will be a huge part of your life, it's ok to just let it slide.

[littleblue]

Have you ever considered how upset you are for him refusing to believe in ghosts and turned it around? He's not upset with you for believing in them, but he just doesn't.

That really isn't narrow-mindedness. If anything, I have to agree that I think you may be more narrow-minded than he is, for not accepting that he just doesn't believe. It's something that can't be proved either way - there is no right and wrong. Its really not worth getting so worked up about.

I do understand, as my SO thinks i'm crazy!! I believe in some supernatural things and I am fully convinced my boyfriend's parents house is haunted, I feel physically sick in one of the rooms everytime I'm in there. But I'm also open to the fact that I could be imagining it. My SO does the same and tries to prove me wrong, but I just say "Well that's what I think, that's what you think, let's move on".