Heart-Breaking Jealousy

[Engel]

I answered the survey but my "partner" does not have a Facebook or any other SocialNetworking site so we do not have that dynamic in our relationship.

I really do wish that he did have a Facebook, not so that we could talk to each other on it (we do enough of emailing, IMing, and talking on the phone) but so that I could know a little bit more about his friends and be brought into his life a little bit since only three of all of his know that I even exist.
I also have the greatest urge to lurk him and know what some of these girls who he talks to look like and how they interact with him on his wall.
Maybe it's a blessing that I can't do that, but sometimes I really wish I could.
Without that medium, it can be a little disheartening because I feel like I am not a part of his life at all.
His friends don't know me as anything more than "I like some girl in Florida." And that's it.
I feel like having a socialnetworking connection would make us more "real" to one another and each other's friends.

also from this other post of yours, his friends don't know about you? does this woman know about you? are you officially together? if not, there isn't much on their way.


edit: just saw from your LDR without the R thread that you aren't officially together. sounds like he is playing you, sorry.

(Sorry that this post is long, I can be quite wordy.)

Hello LFAD,

I am a first time poster here. I have had an account for a few weeks now and all of your posts have helped me so much during this journey, I am already thankful for all of you.
I have scoured the forum for advice on this specific topic, but I have not seen it come up before and I am at my wits end trying to make a decision and think rationally about this situation.

I used to be a frequent player of an online Pictionary site called xSketch, and another one of the regular plays asked me out of the blue if I had AIM, I thought it was strange but I gave him my information. That night we spoke for hours and ever since then we have been inseparable. Despite our age difference we have a lot in common, are compatible, and we feel as though we are ‘soul mates.’ We text each other first thing in the morning when we wake up, text/IM each other all throughout the day, and text/phone until we fall asleep. We tell each other everything. This has been going strong for four months now. I really like him and I feel like we have the potential to be something very special. Both of us expressed our feelings for one another early on in the relationship so we both know that we like one another a great deal as more than friends.
I am 100% emotionally attached to him and I am waiting in baited breath until the day that we meet each other. He has expressed since the beginning that we cannot be bf/gf until we meet and that we are not exclusive, which does make sense. I have a lot of difficulty some days and I can’t help but feel heart-broken and consistently jealous because I know that he does look at girls although he has told me countless times that he is not searching for a gf and he is not concerned with other people. He has given me the label “potential girlfriend” to appease me but some days I spend in tears because I am worried that he will find a beautiful woman and all this will be for nothing. What should I do about this? Should I just hang tight until we visit and enjoy the fact that he spend all of his time sharing his life with me, wanting to meet?
Other than when this comes up when I’m feeling sad, lonely, or insecure- we have good trust for one another and we communicate a lot about everything.

Summary: We have been talking all day every day for four solid months. He has expressed that he does not want to be in an LDR until we meet each other. So we are not committed, not exclusive. He says that he is not looking for a girlfriend or looking for another person but he never stopped looking at other girls. I have become emotionally committed to him, but I don’t know what to do.

--Michelle

[lademoiselle]

From LDR without the R:

I know that he does look at girls although he has told me countless times that he is not searching for a gf and he is not concerned with other people... He has expressed that he does not want to be in an LDR until we meet each other. So we are not committed, not exclusive.

What you've described in this thread is worlds apart from casting the odd glance in the direction of another woman. When I first read your previous thread I thought his hesitance to become exclusive genuinely came down to the fact you hadn't met yet, but in light of what's been going on with this coworker of his I'm starting to agree with Engel -

sounds like he is playing you, sorry.

The previous posters have given some very good advice; perhaps follow that and see what happens? I hope everything works out for the best one way or the other!

[jenniferjade]

I'm sorry, but I think you're boyfriend isn't being a very good SO. If he knows it bothers you, then he shouldn't do it. Me and my SO have agreed not to do something that we know the other one would hate. He wouldn't like it if I spent time alone with another male besides him, and vice versa. Have you told him how you feel? You need to sit down and talk with him. If he really cared about you, he would stop spending so much time with her. Talking to her at work, and maybe hanging out with other work friends is acceptable. But going to her house alone? Texting her all the time?

He isn't taking your feelings into account. It sounds as if he is being a little bit selfish. He probably misses you and wishes he could hang out with you instead, but he can't, so he hangs out with her. It doesn't help that he finds her attractive. You need to talk to him. And if he still acts the same and refuses to stop seeing her so much, then I think you have a problem.

[MicheleN]

Thank you everyone so much for your honest advice and help.

As per everyone’s advice I summed up all my courage and I spoke to him about the situation in great length. I expressed to him that given the fact that we have not met yet and we are working day in and day out to build a good relationship, I do not appreciate one bit that he seems to have such little disregard for my feelings and the effort that I am putting forward.

That led to a conversation that lasted about six hours.

In fact, he was incredibly hurt/upset that I saw his actions as a blatant expression of apathy for my feelings on his part. He then proceeded to explain to me that he tells me everything that he does because he likes being honest with me and without communication we will have no relationship to nurture. He also expressed that it is very simple to not tell me about the activities that he has with this woman but he does tell me because there is nothing for me to worry about and he has nothing to hide. He then pointed out that he has spent time with her twice (the first time was the movie night over Christmas break and the second time was when they had lunch together at work) and both times he produced the information up-front without me prodding. I asked him if they had done anything, if he was interested in doing things with her, and if he was using me to fill in his time until he found someone else. He strongly rejected those ideas. He assured me that he is not looking for a girlfriend, his sights are not set on anyone else but me, and that he is not concerned with other people or looking for someone else because he has and likes me.
He promised that nothing intimate was going on with her or anyone else and that she is not "the one."

He promised that when I come to visit we would make a point to meet her, his friends, and his parents so that I wouldn’t have any anxieties anymore. My best friend knows about him and his best friend and his best friend's wife know about me. He has already spoken to my three sisters and my mother at great length so I hope that a meeting will help.

Thank you again, everyone for your loving advice and help. It really gave me the push I needed to combat this situation. I deeply appreciate all of you.

--Michelle

[rsvpnj]

Personally, I would never stand for that... I was never a jealous person but our LDR and certain other events have made me this way... but I would never be okay with another woman taking up time that could possibly be ours... no way...

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Having re read what everyone else is saying, and your latest post, I think you need to take what he is saying with a pinch of salt. In the nicest way possible, you need to protect yourself from this guy, until the two of you ARE in a committed, exclusive relationship. I know it's hard when you're falling hard for someone, to try and put a bit of distance there, but I think you should.
Also, just because someone tells you, without needing 'prodding', the things that they do, that doesn't mean that what they're doing is justified. It's not what he says that you should be listening to, but what he does that you should be watching. It's easier to lie with words than actions.
I think you're being a bit blinded to the situation by how much you like this guy (it happens to us all), but the truth is that this is not a relationship yet, and you should not put all your eggs into a basket that might not even be there.
You should take advantage of still being single. I understand that you're not looking for someone else, I don't think I'm even suggesting you look for someone seriously, but try having a bit of fun with some other guys, go on some very casual dates, you don't have to kiss them or flirt with them, but it'll keep your mind open.
This 'emotional exclusivity' is a worry point for me, seeing as you guys are not in a relationship and not exclusive. He knows he's got you, and to me, it looks like he's taking advantage of that. Take care of yourself, look after yourself.