Announcement

**carolynred** · February 27, 2012, 06:48 PM

Have you mentioned how you feel to your SO? It sounds like you two should have a good talk about the topic of trust if it hasn't been talked about already. Perhaps he doesn't realize that not sharing everything hurts you that badly. He may not realize that trust and mentioning everything are linked together. To me, it sounds like some miscommunication, but I could always be wrong. There are times where I will forget to tell my SO something because I've talked to so many other people that who I've told/who I haven't told just blends in together. Has he held really important, like REALLY important things from you so far? Or is it mostly little things?

You said he's in a bellringing thing? If I understand you correctly you mean a hand bell choir? As someone who was in a hand bell choir for 7 years, I know that people are sometimes embarrassed to say that they are in one. Hand bells have this connotation of being lame or strange to those who don't appreciate it. Should he be able to tell you that he's in one? Of course! I would see if he will bring it up with you, or check how he reacts if you decide to bring it up. If he seems embarrassed discussing it, I have a good feeling he doesn't know how to feel in being one yet.

I hope everything works out ok!

**megfashion** · February 27, 2012, 06:59 PM

Originally posted by carolynred View Post

Have you mentioned how you feel to your SO? It sounds like you two should have a good talk about the topic of trust if it hasn't been talked about already. Perhaps he doesn't realize that not sharing everything hurts you that badly. He may not realize that trust and mentioning everything are linked together. To me, it sounds like some miscommunication, but I could always be wrong. There are times where I will forget to tell my SO something because I've talked to so many other people that who I've told/who I haven't told just blends in together. Has he held really important, like REALLY important things from you so far? Or is it mostly little things?

You said he's in a bellringing thing? If I understand you correctly you mean a hand bell choir? As someone who was in a hand bell choir for 7 years, I know that people are sometimes embarrassed to say that they are in one. Hand bells have this connotation of being lame or strange to those who don't appreciate it. Should he be able to tell you that he's in one? Of course! I would see if he will bring it up with you, or check how he reacts if you decide to bring it up. If he seems embarrassed discussing it, I have a good feeling he doesn't know how to feel in being one yet.

I hope everything works out ok!

church bell ringing... big thing to him... chairman is also a big thing

i just dont know what to do right now

**carolynred** · February 27, 2012, 07:09 PM

Hmm well communication is key in any relationship, but make sure you allow yourself to vent and just let everything out. Its hard to take care of things when you need to make sure you're ok yourself.

Maybe give yourself some time to relax and when you feel ready, I would maybe approach your SO and just explain to him how some of the things he's done has made you feel. When you're calm and collected like that, I hope he will be the same way back to you. He won't know to fix things unless you let him know. Take a deep breathe girly, it will be ok!

**megfashion** · February 27, 2012, 07:11 PM

Originally posted by carolynred View Post

Hmm well communication is key in any relationship, but make sure you allow yourself to vent and just let everything out. Its hard to take care of things when you need to make sure you're ok yourself.

Maybe give yourself some time to relax and when you feel ready, I would maybe approach your SO and just explain to him how some of the things he's done has made you feel. When you're calm and collected like that, I hope he will be the same way back to you. He won't know to fix things unless you let him know. Take a deep breathe girly, it will be ok!

ive done that, then he gets upset saying that everything he says is always wrong.

GRAH. i just dont know where we stand anymore.

thanks for the words though. sorry for the short answers am abit upset

x

**megfashion** · February 27, 2012, 07:33 PM

Originally posted by carolynred

Gosh I can understand why you feel so confused.

That would drive me crazy. I haven't been in this position, so I don't have much advice but perhaps just wait until he comes to you about the problem? It sounds like you're doing a lot more to fix the problem than he is.

we ended up talking after 20 mins. n i simply said its jst very complicated... and he starts going off into different subjects. so i say "its not sorted, *name*, and you are just avoiding the subject because you know its true and dont want to talk about it"

so then he goes off into the bathroom saying "its all sorted"

so i hung up after giong "f this f everything" etc...

thanks for the words though x

**Haley53** · February 27, 2012, 08:05 PM

Are you sure he meant he didn't want to tell you about the chairman position etc? And not that he didn't want to tell you about being scared going up the stairs? While I must admit it's nice having a SO who's completely open and honest, and with whom you can be the same, there are a lot of people, both men and women, who don't necessarily readily like that feeling of vulnerability over something that would seem "trivial" to some people. And even your response was a bit condescending. Who wants to hear "aww, that's so cute" in response to something they're scared of? :/ I'm aware that you didn't tell him that, but it's possible that's the exact response he was wanting to avoid. Some guys (not excluding girls, cause they exist too) don't like to seem "weak" in the face of their girlfriend, so maybe you being his girlfriend triggered an insecurity around the fact his "role" is to be the "protector," speaking socially, so perhaps he simply didn't want to let on to the fact he was scared? There are a lot of guys who hide what they're scared of stressed about because it's their girlfriend and they're trying to avoid a certain reaction.

If you're 100% he meant he didn't want to tell you everything, then quite frankly, I'd leave it for a bit. Take some time to cool off because you're both doing nothing but running circles around each other and screaming, and that's not going to solve anything. Take a day or two to breathe, and then broach the subject, and do it calmly and collectively. If you go in there all gung-ho defensive with the idea that you're his girlfriend so he should tell you everything... You're going to push him away. The problem I see in this is that you're taking it too personally to listen to him. It's too much about you and your feelings right now for him to open up and be honest. So take some time to breathe, calm down, and then ask him to try and explain it as best as he can to help you understand. Sometimes it's surprising how much asking them for their thoughts, and putting your personal hurts aside, can clarify and do.

**Engel** · February 27, 2012, 09:48 PM

I am not one to advocate breaks, but maybe you two need one? you are always fighting, for one reason or another. or you are jealous of julia, or you are saying he took your position singing in the church, or he doesn't tell you enough. take some time to think if you really want to be with him, because watching from a distance, this relationship only seems to make you feel bad and angry and frustrated :/

**Zapookie** · February 27, 2012, 11:01 PM

Yeah I have to agree with Engel and also Eclaire. From what you've posted now and previously, it seems like there is a big breakdown in communication and because you keep coming back with these issues, it doesn't seem to be getting better.

Maybe, like Eclaire said, this is something that he was afraid of? He kept it from you because he was ashamed that you wouldn't see him as the protector and so he was scared/anxious to tell you? (I don't know this for sure, and neither do you, which is why you need to talk to him properly). And yet here you have cause a fuss and made this about yourself. I'm really not trying to be mean in all honesty, I'm just trying to get you to see the bigger picture.

This is something that you BOTH need to work on. You need to be able to trust him more and not always jump to conclusions, and he needs to be able to feel that he can open up to you without fearing judgement. The only way this can happen is if you talk about it together, calmly, with leveled heads. Pinpoint what the issues are exactly, and then both come up with ideas as to how you can work through it together. Ask him - genuinely ask him because you care about him - what it is that is holding him back from telling you these things. And then you can explain to him about how it makes you feel and that you'd really appreciate it if he would be more open and honest towards you.

You really need to pick your battles. Fighting over these small things - which can be easily talked over without arguing - is not going to get you anywhere, it can't go on like this. You both need to change your attitudes when it comes to the other person, because you're just going to wear away at each other until there's nothing left.

You guys should support one another, not tear each other down.

**Moon** · February 28, 2012, 10:31 AM

I also agree with Engel and Eclaire. These are very, very small things, not worth getting upset about in a healthy relationship. The fact that you are so angry about them makes me think you need to step away and reassess the whole thing.

You need to understand that in any relationship, LD or CD, nobody is going to remember to tell you every detail of everything they're up to, not even when you live together. It's just not gonna happen. The busier you get, the more you forget the details, and honestly, it's not a big deal, so why make it into one? If I forget to tell my boyfriend that I joined a group, or did something, or whatever, I just tell him next time. Same with him, there is no trust issue here.

As for the stairs thing...men are held up to a certain standard in most societies. They're taught from a young age not to show such weakness, especially in front of a woman, MOST especially the ones they love. You deciding to say it's cute is really detrimental and trivializes his fear, making it even less likely for him to talk about any other ones. Women like to think that once a man loves us, he should confide every little thing, including fears, to us but sometimes you've just got to let men be men, and not expect them to act like women who happen to have penises. There really is a difference between the sexes, as much as it can be hard to admit, and I think you need to do a bit of reading on the subject.

I know you like for him to tell you every bit of everything that happens to him, and every thought he has, but you aren't being realistic here and you're damaging your relationship because of it. And, I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I'm trying to get you to step back and look at this from an outsider's perspective. You've got to lighten up, and let the little things go, and if you can't, maybe you should consider counseling since neither of these things are causes for such disproportionate anger and distress

I can maybe understand being a little irritated over all of this, but honey, this is way too much, from both of you. I'm not picking on you and not him, but he's not here to read any of this, I'm sure he's equally as guilty, it sounds like you've both forgotten how to be happy with each other, and I'm really sorry about that.

**Bethypoo** · February 28, 2012, 11:31 AM

I think you are over reacting. Sorry.

He didn't tell you about little things! Maybe he really did forget. Its not like he forgot to tell you he had a doctor appointment for something serious, or started a new job. So he didn't tell you the stair thing (maybe he was embarrassed) or the chairman of the music group (maybe he wanted to surprise you or didn't want you to get your hopes up incase he didn't get the chairman position)

You said in your post, you are insecure. Dont put that off on him. That is YOUR problem. He didnt do anything that would warrant trust issues. If things like this get to you, after 2 years and 8 months... then maybe you just need to end it. You dont ever seem happy with anything he does that isnt you way. At least that is the way it seems with all of the threads you start.

But either way, and i'm sorry that this response is so harsh, but you seem to be the one with the problem. If you are so unhappy, then end it.

**Engel** · February 28, 2012, 12:10 PM

Originally posted by Zapookie View Post

Yeah I have to agree with Engel and also Eclaire. From what you've posted now and previously, it seems like there is a big breakdown in communication and because you keep coming back with these issues, it doesn't seem to be getting better.

You really need to pick your battles. Fighting over these small things - which can be easily talked over without arguing - is not going to get you anywhere, it can't go on like this. You both need to change your attitudes when it comes to the other person, because you're just going to wear away at each other until there's nothing left.

You guys should support one another, not tear each other down.

that, exactly.

**Engel** · February 28, 2012, 12:17 PM

Originally posted by megfashion View Post

this was after leaving me in the loop and worried sick when he didnt text for a few hours.

i just feel now that this 2 years 8 months is a sham where im giving everything in, and he is there just nodding and not saying how he truly feels.

i just feel like crying.

now re read what you wrote when you calm down, and think. you are over reacting! he didn't reply to you for a couple of hours! not day or weeks, hours! and forgot to tell you about 2 things, one of with as eclair and moon said better than I could, he is a man, and raised to behave in a certain way about certain things, and you say your whole relationship is a sham? i kind of pity him, it looks like he has to step on eggs with you, because every little thing can tick you off. I'm not wanting to be rude here, but if you want this relationship to go on, please thing twice before making such scenes like this about every small thing, or one day he may say he has had enough of it all.

**Haley53** · February 28, 2012, 01:17 PM

Originally posted by megfashion View Post

ive done that, then he gets upset saying that everything he says is always wrong.

I wanted to highlight this, too, in response to something I said in my post, about asking him where he's coming from. I do agree with bethypoo and engel in the sense it seems in every thread, you're upset about something he's done, or annoyed, even in threads where you're not starting the topic... :/ While I feel that LFAD is a great place to vent and as a result, we often end up getting only one side of someone's relationship, I think it's important to look at the problems that you're faced with and be able to determine what are rational problems and what aren't. For example, your preoccupation with Julia or this thread here. These are your insecurities that you need to take responsibility for to work on them to better yourself as a person and as a partner. It's not fair to get angry at him because he's not doing what you want so you don't have to deal with your problems.

If he's feeling like everything he says is wrong, well, I would listen to that. It's not a guilt trip. It's not him trying to piss you off. It's him communicating his unhappiness with your unhappiness. If everything he says is wrong, of course he's going to get fed up and frustrated. No one likes to communicate their feelings when their feelings are being bulldozed by someone else's. I honestly think you might be surprised if you put the focus on him for a little bit, asked him why he felt he couldn't tell you as his girlfriend. Of course he's going to get defensive and not want to talk about it if all you do is yell at him and point fingers and tell him how he hurt you. My opinion is if you want to work on it, then don't victimise yourself. Actually work on it. Pay more attention to where he's coming from, listen more to his feelings, etc. I tend to think people often complain about how "he/she won't open up to me!" and don't realise that oftentimes, they're perpetuating the mindset that the other person can't. If he's not as open with you as he could be, I would take a step back and look at your behaviour, as hard as it is to swallow. Sometimes people don't realise that while they're fighting for openness, they're actually not giving off that same message. Personally I think the focus is so much about you when you get upset and so much about him apologising and saying you're right and he's wrong that I think problems end up getting stuffed away and then re-surface, because they were never dealt with. There are two sides to everything, and people are complex. If you work on listening to him a little bit more as opposed to yelling at him and berating him for everything, then I think you might get somewhere. But at this point, I see this as being your fix, not his. It's up to you to determine whether or not the relationship is worth it.

**digitalfever** · February 28, 2012, 01:42 PM

I first want to say that I applaud you ability to ask for advice and help a lot of people don’t do it.

Secondly, I really don’t see forgetting to tell you something as a big deal. I understand you feel hurt and excluded but I do think that by getting so worked up over it you are essentially doing the opposite of what you want which is to draw him in rather than push him out. Forgetting to tell you something is normal… even in relationships sometimes things get forgotten and you find out a bit later but that’s just life people are not perfect and sometimes some information slips through the cracks… not intentionally and not to be hurtful but because it just happens. Thirdly, what I’ve learned is that in relationships you have the right to say “I don’t want to tell you.” Just because you are in a relationship does not mean your boyfriend has to tell you every thought, emotion etc... He is entitled to his privacy. These are very small things to get so worked up over – the problems in your relationship need to be solved on both ends. Jumping from you feel excluded to feeling like your relationship I a sham is a very big leap and a bit over board. Maybe you two don’t need a break but rather than holding on to what he says, does, or doesn’t do you need focus on you.

Finally, have you considered maybe forgiving the past? I understand that when someone has wronged you that you hold on to it. You say that you don’t trust well and that letting people in is hard for you. Maybe forgiving what happened in your past, understanding that it has made you who you are today and learning to recognize that when you react your behavior is sometimes affected by the past and maybe you need to talk about it to put it into true perspective.

I think you need to take responsibility for your actions, words and reaction and see how you also feed into the cycle here.

Announcement

dont know how to react

dont know how to react

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment