The Friends of your SO

I'm wondering how many of you have good relationship with your SO's friends?
How many of you don't have any?
And how many of you don't have good relationship with them?

I am recently very disappointed of my SO's friends and the way they behaved with me visiting there. First time I met them was last November, I was there first time, accompanying my SO to a wedding. They were very nice, chatty and friendly. I was there for exactly 2 days.

I came back 2 weeks ago and I wasn't so impressed by them this time. They were self-absorbed, selfish, kind of two-faced. I do understand one thing - that when you're in a foreign country you are kind of OBLIGATED to learn the language that the people use. But as they know I still don't, and if they are his friends they will find another reason than" I'm shy to speak english". They speak english alright!!! It's all b-hit! So they are asking him allllll the time when I am not there how am I doing, what's going on, am I moving ( and he tells me it feels like they are already asking him just to ask). When I'm there it's all "Hello" kissy kissy and nothing.

We were on a table for 4 hours and the only person who was talking to me was my SO and the waitress who is their friend and came to the table 4 times running around. I'm not saying they're bad people but they are certainly not trying and I told my So that many thing they do indicate USING him. I smell people like this, because I had them a lot in my life.

I really hope one day they can speak to me normally but I doubt it. I am ready to be a foreigner - full time. No siblings there, no friends - only my SO and his family . And that's OK, yes?

What about you guys?

[Manoek]

One word: TROUBLE!

Hahaha noooo they are cool, Atleast his true friends are. He had a couple of leeches but he learning how to ditch the leeches.

I don't want to say a lot about it, but I got along with allllllll his friends! And at the end of the day they told him that I was the coolest girl and blablabla :P

So I guess the liked me too! And sometimes he let's me talk to them on the phone when they are around and actually everything I post on Facebook is in english now because of his friends and family. I gained like 15 friends that are all Americans. And for me it's good English training I guess ^_^

[Ivy]

Yea, yea. I get the "she's great man" thing but this doesn't really mean much to me when is not backed up with at least a bit of interest. I got their Facethings, but this is also not much. I don't really care about facebook and who is doing what there.
I was there for 10 days and for these 10 days one guy asked us to go out together, and his ex-college friends asked us to go to a party but we felt like hugging and staying home that night. Not much for 10 days,eh? We had a great time just us and his family. But still.....
I guess once I learn their language - I will be in my full speed and power then. So maybe then they will stop being self-absorbed and "Shy"

[Lilly9886]

I think for that is a bit different because I spent one whole year in my bf's country, so me and his friends (his 2 best and closest friends) had a looooooong time to get to know each other... In the beginning it was very awkward, because nobody wanted to speak English (even I didn't want to :P) and the more we spent time with each other, the better we got along!
His friends spent days and days and days in our apartment. and later on I even understood what they were talking about in Spanish.. - Sometimes I even spent time with his friends alone, without him ^^

And now I still have contact with them and consider them friends of mine too!


EDIT: I do understand perfectly how you are feeling with the language problem, I didn't understand a thing they were saying in Spanish when I arrived!!! But later on, we all talked English together, even if it was a bit of a "change" for them!!

[Dziubka]

I understand how it feels to be excluded when no one talks to you and the conversation is in a language you don't understand. It's such a shitty lonely feeling and when I was in the situation I usually had to hold back tears

But I don't think you can expect them to talk to you in English. Maybe they're really too shy. It doesn't matter how well you speak, you can be shy even if you're fluent in a language. Or maybe they just wanted to go out and have fun with their friends. Even though they know English, it's obviously more difficult to speak a foreign language than your own. Difficult and having a fun night out, doesn't go together very well.
I agree that it would be a nice move from their side to talk to you, but... they don't know you and talking to you could be tireing for them. I happen to like foreign languages and am happy when I get the chance to use mine, but not everyone does. I understand that they don't really want to make an effort for someone they barely know. I don't even think it's self absorbed. If one of my friends had a foreign SO and we were going out together in a group I wouldn't consider it my responsibility to entertain her.

My boyfriend and I where CD in the beginning, so I met most of his friends when we hadn't been dating very long. Even though I already spoke their language fluently, I still sometimes felt excluded. They were all very friendly and welcoming and I liked them a lot. But I couldn't really take part in their conversations because they talked a lot about other people (that I didn't know obviously) or past events (that I couldn't relate to), so I just sat there listening and being quiet most of the time.
It has gotten a lot better, though because I met all the people they talk about and we did things together (parties, trips,...) so I can talk about that as well. They're also super nice people and always try to include me or ask me questions.

My boyfriend doesn't speak English and his German has only just become conversational recently. A lot of my friends in Germany are Polish, so it usually wasn't a problem, but obviously, when we went out in a group and there were Germans (other than me, that is) we'd speak German. I know that it was difficult for him, in the beginning. It's a lot better now that he speaks and understands German better. At parties or when there are a lot of people and loud background noise, it's still difficult for him and he doesn't say much, because he can't understand the conversation. But there's no other solution for that than him getting fluent in German, which he's working very hard at right now.

[ChibiFelicia]

I get on with his friends, we play online games together as a group so we get to know each other even when im not there. When i go over there though we dont meet up all that often. Maybe a couple days a week? They never contact us at alll for the first week or so lol. His family dont contact us either. Well the first day they phone to check i arrived safe but any social gatherings during the first week, we tend to decline.

His family speaks korean though and even though the younger ones all speak perfect English they all tend to speak korean while together. My SO did this too cause thats what he's used to. This frustrated me after a while and i had to speak to him about it. Im chinese and i have never spoken a word of it in front of people who dont understand it (unless im talking to my parents generation since their english isnt very good). I find it extremely rude to speak in a different language when everyone present can converse well in English. I probably came off as a bitch but i rather say something than sit there like a lemon and just getting annoyed.

Regarding his family though...we get on but as i said before theres a language barrier, im trying as i know basic korean but yeah. The younger ones....well they're all quite a bit younger and they all look up to my SO (its just a asian culture thing, him being the eldest male - mind, he doesnt agree with it) so they find it real hard to speak to me. They dont know how to interact with me : ( i guess i should make a total different thread for that lols as im kinda going off track now.

[Ivy]

Dzibka, got ya! It's sure like that, but there is one thing I can't simply agree with you.

When my SO was visiting me - my few close friends were eager to meet him so much, and my not so close friends too. We had numerous evenings out ( 5 evenings out of 9) and my friends suggested in beginning of PARTY evening so speak totally in english, even though he was the only one foreigner (except the BF of my friend who is polish too but lives here for years and speaks perfectly our language) So even he spoke to my SO in English. It was like that with every single person we met and he was charmed by how welcomed he felt.

I certainly didn't feel that. They are not shy,trust me. A guy who is making himself a little spectacle in a full restaurant is no shy guy! So is not his gf or the others.

Thing is I DO understand them, but I am so disappointed. And I am concerned that they are not really his friends too..... up until now, there were so many things that indicate it....... he says he is aware and knows it..... but still goes out with them. I guess he can't just stop going out with them.

P.s. - I really don't care if they will speak to me in the worst english in the world. What matters is that a person TRIES!

[lucybelle]

I get along really well with my SO's friends. I've said this before-- but although I'm fluent in Spanish, I'm still learning "Costa Rican" and sometimes I won't understand anything or will completely misunderstand a conversation. There is so much slang here it's impossible to follow along. I'm learning little by little and I really enjoy it. My SO's friends always ask "does she speak Spanish?" and my SO will say "Yeah, but she's still learning Costa Rican" jaja It makes me feel good that when I'm on the bus and can understand the banter and conversations.

Some friends I like hanging out with more than others. But I enjoy the company of all of them. And they are also always willing to help me with whatever I may need. They're great guys

[Manoek]

P.s. - I really don't care if they will speak to me in the worst english in the world. What matters is that a person TRIES!

True.. I hope when my SO comes over my friends will talk to him and show interest. It's just respect!!

[Dziubka]

That's nice and lovely of your friends, Ivy.
But just because something's a nice and friendly thing to do, doesn't mean, you have to do it. Especially if it requires an effort.

There's shy and then there's shy. I'm not shy by any means, but I am sort of self conscious about (some of) my languages. I speak French reasonably well, or at least I used to, but I'm still way too shy to use it around native speakers. There's no logical explantion for it and it doesn't help that they would think my accent was cute or that they wouldn't care how bad my grammar was. I'm shy. I can't get over myself very easily there.
Yeah, if one of my friends had a monolingual French SO, I most likely wouldn't talk to them either.

I sometimes have the feeling that some of my boyfriend's friends take advantage of him as well. He's a super nice guy and he (and his family) is immensely generous and forgiving, so it's sort of easy to use that. I point it out to him and tell him that *I* wouldn't let my friends do that, but in the end... it's his decision. If he's happy with it and they're not actually harming him, it's a matter of where you draw your line. My boyfriend's line is different from mine - the world would be a boring place, if we were all the same.

[dglynn77]

Well, my SO and I (and all of our friends) speak English, so that shouldn't be a problem.
I have not met any of them yet, so maybe this worries me a little.
I am slow to make friends (I'm picky and I hate "fake" people) which generally results in my being quiet around new people.
This is generally taken as my being shy, but I do not want to come across as stuck up and rude. (I am not. normally. lol)

Very interesting situation. I want to meet his friends, but at the same time I am nervous, as I really want to like them and them to like me.

[carolynred]

I get along with all of his guy friends like we've been best buds for years! They are all very supportive of our relationship, and we always end up playing some video game together when I come home to visit. :P Only one of his friends has been a bit of a drama queen, but he's easy to handle. xD They treat me like another friend more than Jacob' girlfriend, but that's ok its whatever works.

I've only ran into a problem with one of Jacob's gal pals. She just never liked the idea of Jacob and I being together. We met in person, and she was civil but I could tell she didn't like me being there. Oh well, I know everyone can't like the relationship. xD

[Jassy_love]

I haven't met non of his friends, but I'm not really looking forward to it. I'm not very sociable, I'm kind of a serious person, distant, and shady... unless I see something in you that catches my attention as sweet & caring ...
I need to work on that :/

[Haley53]

I should note that sometimes, too, the desire to be the centre of attention can be indicative of what Dziubka is saying: sometimes someone may not be shy in the way you think of it, but they are still subconscious/shy.

I always worry about coming off as stupid or pretentious. :P He's Irish, so we all speak in English (if even he and his family speak a little bit fast at times), but even then, I get so nervous and self-conscious that coherent thought and speech seems to go out the window for me. I often end up speaking in a lot of shy/nervous gestures or giving one-word answers or misunderstanding things, and I hate how that might make me come off (especially given first impressions) when really it's a matter of insecurity. :P I'm not trying to be rude. It was the same when his friends would come to the door. I never followed him down to get the door because I was anxious/shy. This could be seen as rude, but it was not meant to be that way at all. I was willing to meet them, simply when it was expected and I could psych myself up for it (I had a really bad experience with my ex, with his friend bullying me, being verbally abusive to me, slandering me, and ultimately being the reason he and I broke up). It's possible his friends were the same.

I haven't met his friends yet. Our plans kept being shifted or his friends never rang us back in time. The one time they did, they were inviting us out drinking and I don't drink and my SO wanted to respect that. But I go there this summer for two months, so we'll see... :P

[lala]

The most of my SO friends are also his family..like cousins.. they all love me. He told me a few times that I impressed them greatly. some other friends also told him that I'm a sweetheart and one asked him how he just found someone soo perfect lol
aaah they are too cute! One of his best friends is a girl. she normally scares away the girls he dates (because she thinks that they are not good for him) but she said that she liked me from the very first moment I'm really happy with all of his friends,although I'm not completely sure if they're just so nice because of him or because they really like me..hmm