Family of your SO

[ChibiFelicia]

So this thread is inspired by the Friends of your SO. Instead of going off topic i decided to start another one.

Just a bit of back ground if you havent read my other posts. Im Uk chinese he's US korean. He's also the eldest male on his fathers side (in the states anyway). This is an important thing in our culture, it's a little backwards and him and i dont agree with it but whichevers. Anyway traditionally the eldest male is to be well respected as he'll carry on the families name and yaddda yadaa (im not trying to make fun of the culture but in my family it was pretty annoying to live with and since i've was born and raised in the UK and him in the states we really dont hold this of value - respect is earnt! dammit i keep saying this to my family but ohwell). Therefore all the younger family members all look up to him and respect him. Being with him for nearly 3 years and seeing how he is with his family i see how he has actually earnt that respect from them rather than jsut being born earlier.

The problem lies here, they dont know how to interact with me! Im "oppahs' (elder brothers) girlfriend" They're all so wonderfully polite and distant at the same time. I understand i have to get to know them slowly but it's difficult. The males i find way easier to connect with. I literally cornered them (on a game) and was like im joining you guys. Got added on their skype so now we talk too and getting to know each other. The females on the other hand, we've gone out shopping but we have different tastes. I've invited them out but if my SO isnt there or if it wasnt him who asked them to go out they dont go. I dont liek the idea of him asking them for me..im not incapable of it. I just dont know what i can do. We jsut dont have the same interests...not to mention im probably a lil too British and gamer like for their tastes lol.

Im visiting agian in 3 weeks so i wanna plan to do something with all of them. I was thinking a bbq, picnic or invite them all round for a home cooked dinner (althogh that could mean i show them how bad i am at cooking lol). What do you guys suggest? The shopping thing...i could do it but i find it boring and late teen girls/early twenties (eldest is 20...lol) isnt all about shopping is it?!

[goalie_girl34]

My SO has very little family. His mother passed away a few years ago and she was his everything. His father was never in his life. He has a few half siblings and cousins none of which I have met. He also has a set of grandparents, he loves his grandmother and she is supportive of him but she is controlled by his grandfather who is argumentative, abusive and just a bad person. I wish he had more family for support.

[ChibiFelicia]

Thats really tough for your SO. One of my close guy friends is in a similar situation. His parents split up when he was young and his father was never there. His mum passed away a couple of years ago due to a brain tumour. He doesnt get on with his step father who is abusive, gambler and a drunk. and he doesnt have grandparents. As a friend all i can do is be there for him. He met a girl a while back, kind of long distance (like 2 or so hours but they dont get to see each other often due to work and schooling). From what i've seen hes coping so much better than before. As a friend i tried hard but he basically told me to back off cause he was worried that in his vulnerabilty he was seeing there were other meanings behind my concern for him. I talk to him now and for him even though he doesnt have that family support, his gf and his friends are enough.

[LeilaniJoi]

We don't have the cultural difference but I'm very happy that his family and a whole is very accepting and nice to me. I can't imagine how hard my move would have been if they were not.

[ChibiFelicia]

Thats the thing we dont really have the cultural difference (there are slight differences in chinese and korean culture but we are quite similar). Its kind of normal to be like that towards an elders SO. The way the younger one are with me, is how im like to my brothers wife. I guess for me i know that it's hard to "get along" with her because she's very much "im the elder" kind of attitude...though shes younger than me lol. - Im not saying all asian families are like this...but the ones i know are very much so like this.

I dont want it to be like that with his family because they all make an effort...i just dont know how to break down that barrier with the females. Both my SO and I, i could say are "Westernised" it sounds awful but we were both born and raised in multicultural societies and well we're westerners. it really bugs me when my younger cousins etc and my sister are all so polite etc. I could walk all over them and they wont say a word because im the elder! You know my sister is 21 and shes never, never called me by my name. Even in English she calls me sister. I broke out of it a long time ago. I just wished other people did. At least his family isnt as extreme as mine.

[dukes2011]

My SO has a smaller family than I do. There's his parents, 2 brothers, 4 grandparents, 3 aunts, 2 uncles and 7 cousins. They aren't super close so I haven't met everyone. He tells me I probably won't meet the remaining family members until we get married. I have a pretty big family! There's my parents, my brother, sister-in-law, 3 grandparents, 6 aunts and uncles and 12 cousins. Plus one cousin is married and him and his wife have 3 daughters. My SO has actually met everyone since I'm extremely close with my family. Everyone was born and raised in Maryland and we always get together for holidays and other random occasions. I was the first to leave the state and it's only been for school.

His family is very nice, but his mom's side doesn't really understand me. They are of the mindset where the woman stays at home with the kids cleaning the house and the man brings in all the money. I am pretty independent and could never rely on someone else to financially support me, so there's a bit of a disconnect there. They think I'm strange for wanting to get my Master's degree and that I never be a stay at home mom. Also I'm Catholic which his mom doesn't approve of, but she is gradually learning to accept it. We like each other as people, we just don't always see eye to eye.

[carolynred]

My SO's family is HUGE! I can never keep up with all of them! His mother and father split after his dad cheated on his mom and began doing drugs. Bless his mother's soul, she raised my SO and his two sisters by herself until she happily remarried. I have a great respect for her, and for awhile I thought she didn't like me because she had always favored an ex of my SO's. Now, she makes sure that my SO takes good care of me (in a teasing motherly way of course xD ) because she doesn't want anything like what happened with her to happen to me, which I know my SO would NEVER do, but its still sweet of her. His step dad has grown to like me a lot, he always gives me lots of hugs every time I see him.

My SO lives with his older sister, and I feel like she is fine with me, but she's a tough gal so its hard to read her. :P Lately though, she referred to me as "Aunt Carolyn" when she told her two daughters that I could take them to Ihop. :3 My SO's nieces LOVE me, not sure why because I don't do too much when I visit. xD They DO like me because of my car though. :P They're crazy but I love them like if they were my nieces.

His dad I have only met briefly once or twice, we have never sat down and talked. He keeps telling me though that he knew that Jacob liked me before we started dating and that he was encouraging Jacob saying, "She's the one, Jake! Go get her!". xD He likes to take credit for the fact that our relationship happened. His dad is trying to get his life back together, so I'm happy to see him when I can.

[lucybelle]

Well we obviously have cultural difference, along with language differences, but my SO's family loves me to death. And my family loves my SO. And our families love each other! (even though they can barely communicate)

How did I get this lucky?

[Malaga]

It's not easy for people to shake off the way they were raised, especially if they see nothing wrong with it and you expect them to do it because it would make you more comfortable. Maybe they need to spend more time with you in an informal setting before they could relax more, say a BBQ that you suggested. But maybe they'll never break out of it. I suggest that you just accept them as they are. If they look up to you, give them a reason for it. Be kind and friendly and open-minded. At least then you'll know that they genuinely feel that way towards you and genuinely like and respect you, and aren't just giving you respect because you're the 'elder'.

[Tooki]

I have some cultutral/language barriers with my girl's family. They (mostly) speak good english but they don't use it often. Also, Estonians are very reserved people as well.

I think the only person I will get to know in any kind of depth is her sister.

[lala]

My and my SO's family come from the same country, but moved to different ones- so that there is still the same cultural background.
H introduced me to his almost whole family and they all like me. Especially his cousins and also his parents love me and they call me daughter-in-law.I have a good relationship with his mum what is I think really important cause he loves her so much. His dad always asks me when we chat,when I will return back cause they miss me soo much. I just love them and would be happy to have them one day a part of my family. My SO will meet my family this summer which I am super excited about. I hope they will accept him and be nice (especially my dad lol).and maybe one day our both families will meet eachother

[ChibiFelicia]

It's not easy for people to shake off the way they were raised, especially if they see nothing wrong with it and you expect them to do it because it would make you more comfortable. Maybe they need to spend more time with you in an informal setting before they could relax more, say a BBQ that you suggested. But maybe they'll never break out of it. I suggest that you just accept them as they are. If they look up to you, give them a reason for it. Be kind and friendly and open-minded. At least then you'll know that they genuinely feel that way towards you and genuinely like and respect you, and aren't just giving you respect because you're the 'elder'.

Yeah i gues thats the only way i can go about it. Thanks Malaga

[weetzie]

I've only met my SO's parents, and they don't really speak english. So it's difficult when he leaves me with them to go to the bathroom or something, and all I can do is talk about our cats in Portuguese to them. I know a lot more Portuguese but probably not enough to comfortably carry on a conversation. It stinks.

[lademoiselle]

Hmm, I haven't had to face a significant difference in culture regarding this issue. I've met some of my SO's family - parents, one of three siblings (younger sister), two aunts and uncles, a cousin and grandmother - and the only real barrier I felt was a language one; my SO translated for the most part (and his mum resurrected the English she'd learned back at school, bless her!). Apart from this I didn't feel any variance between the way I was treated by the family there than I would have been by one here. Of course there are distinctions between the way French people and English people conduct themselves, but in this particular case I wasn't really aware of anything like that.

[WakeUpSusie]

My SO's family is like my family. I know a lot of people say that, but I truly mean it. We've been together about six years, and over maybe the last two or so I've gotten really close to his parents. My own father walked out several years ago (a blessing) after a lifetime of pretty severe abuse, and my SO's father has pretty much taken over that role in my life. I'm especially close with him and am consciously grateful for that every day. My life is much more full because of it.