sad...what i have to do to see him.

[Andi]

Grrrrr. Life is so unfair sometimes. My bf came to see me for the first time, it was great, he only stayed a few days but at least he finally got to see where I live. My issue is my own fault and i understand that, i have a choice to make and i make the one that i think serves me best long term. however it makes me sad most of the time. Here's the issue:

i go on a 3000 mile trip about every other month and i stay for 11-17 days. that is what it takes for me to see him for any length of time. he never comes to see me except this last time and he only stayed a few days. don't get me wrong it was fantastic and i was so happy he finally gets to see where i live. i hate where i live it is full of small minded overly religious closed minded jerks. i have always hated where i live and have waited in misery for the day when i can get out of here. i am a single mom and the baby daddy will not let us leave. my son will be 18 in october. anyway. being a single mom in a really bad economy who only makes 10/hour i am always on a really tight budget. when i take off work for a week and a half i lose over a fourth of my income making me always completely broke.

it is my choice to make these trips as it is the only way we see each other for any length of time. the problem for me is for the 2 months between visits i am literally a prisoner in my own house. i am always barley scraping buy as i have used my bill money to see him. i choose to go there for such a long amount of time for 2 reasons. #1 to be with him long enough to see if we really are a viable couple in person and #2 because i am moving there hopefully between june and august.

i am not moving there for him i have been planning this move for over 5 years. i am moving it up a year because i want to be with him. he make much much more money than i do (trust me that isn't really saying that much) but i think i am starting to get resentful because i can't do anything fun in the time between visits. im so depressed and i cry often. even though i make myself miserable the rest of the time is still chose to go on the visits.

i want to talk to him about it and have tried several times but he always says im not alone that i have him but i really only get an average of maybe 10 minutes a day talk time. we have skyped maybe 4 times ever and we have been together since july. so when i bring up how alone i am he says i have him but i can't make him understand, without him asking where the optimist that i usual am is, that 10 minutes a day doesn't make me feel any less alone. there is more but this is getting to long.

does anyone have any advise on how i can make him understand how hard it is to be 100% alone all the time. i have very few friends and hate the people that live here so i am never even asked to go anywhere or do anything.

anyway. im so tired of hating my day to day life so much. i know it will get better when i move but what am i supposed to do in the meantime. i am so tired of crying.

[Engel]

cant he pay for you to visit him? you are already going there, it is only fair in my opinion! once you pay, once he pays. i would be ressentful too in your position.

good luck!

[Andi]

he pays for everything while i am there and paid for his trip this time and for about everything we did here. the hardest part is he has a wonderful, friend filled, good and full life where he lives and i have nothing (except my son of course). i guess this too shall pass and at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel. it's just so hard and lonely for me and i don't fill like i can even talk to him about it without him thinking i am being pessimistic. anyone would be pessimistic if the best thing that happens to them day in and day out is a 10 minute phone call that is always cut short because he has other phone calls to make. his job is demanding and high profile so he is always going to some event or another. im happy he has a nice full life but i just wish i had a little more happiness for me here. it sucks to sit at home every weekend (and weekday) with no phone calls from anyone and no invitations to anything. just me by myself all the time.

[temporaryuser]

I can understand wanting to see him, but when those visits eat up your bill money, there are bigger issues. You tow need to seriously talk about things. Even tho he isnt your only reason for moving, will you be living with him when you do move?
i understand your desire to see him and spend as much time with him as possible. But there should be give and take, especially in a LDR. barely scraping by just so you can spend time with him should never be an option. Could you meet halfway, for a shorter amount of time? Alrenate who visits who? Have him chip in to the travel expenses?
Can you write him a letter or email and calmly discuss the issues you are faced with?

[Zapookie]

Why don't you ask that he pay for half? I think that's only fair - especially if he knows your financial situation.

[Zephii]

I agree that him paying for everything while you visit isn't enough. You're a mum - you know it doesn't cost that much to feed one extra mouth for a few days! I think he needs to step it up. I mean, the relationship still seems pretty new, but if you're planning to close the distance, you's must be pretty committed/ready to shoulder each other's burdens.

There's nothing wrong with saying "I need more" and if he's going to not listen, or just say "where's the optimist" you need to write him a letter/ email instead. People can't inturupt you speaking when you speak on paper
While you're there asking for a half hour call a day rather than ten minutes (make sure you outline how YOU feel when he's constantly got more important things to do than talking to you) tell him how damn miserable you are. Really. I know we all hate to complain but some people don't get it unless you really spell it out for them. It's his job as your partner to care, so put it on the table, and ask for help. Help could be more time, or something better to look forward to. It might be him texting you a joke a day to brighten your world. It could be the simple words "I understand". But almost everything can be made better, even things that can't be fixed right away.

I also think you need to visit less, as horrifying as that thought is. It's not ok to make yourself miserable for a guy who wont meet you half way, truly. Maybe if you stop putting in such a stellar effort he'll understand that when you say "I'm broke!" you really mean it. In the mean time you can take up a hobby so that you don't spend the time in between visits wanting to kill yourself with a fork.
When I need a hobby, but I need to save money, I play WoW. It's pathetic, but it works. You socialize with people outside of your small town, it chews a rediculous amount of hours, gives you a false sence of achievement and you don't leave the house, thus you don't spend money haha. What more could you want? Failing that, I'm sure there's something you've been busting to do, but that you can't because you're streching you money so thin.

Everyone here is also great. For the longest time I think this forum has been the only thing close to a hobby I've had - it's great! So throw yourself in there and waste some time. It would be awesome to see some more threads coming from a mature standpoint (no offense to anyone else, of course!) and when in doubt, there's the blog section. No one tells you to shut up in the blog section hahaha

[Andi]

Zephii

thank you so much. you said exactly what i need to hear. He will send me money if I need it but i have done so much on my own and am not a person who ask for money. The only thing that makes me not "kill myself with a fork" (such a perfect way to put it LOL) is my trips to see him. I'm glad you looked past the financial aspect of what i was saying and saw what the real problem is. I'm going to draft an email with what he is doing that makes me upset or what he is not doing to make me feel better. I know he is not a mind reader and I need to let him know what I need. Don't get me wrong, i am glad (and maybe a little jealous) of his really wonderful, exciting, fun and adventure filled life. We all want the best for those we care about. Sometimes i wish i didn't feel so pushed under the rug. i think it will take me maybe even a few days to write what I want to say without being a bit of a witch. i want to make sure the passive aggressive that hides in all of us does not come out. it's not his fault my life is so pathetic. I'm just so glad there really is light at the end of the tunnel and i can see it. i know things are going to get really good, i just wish it would not feel so far away (even though June is not that far away)

Thanks so much

This forum saves me sometimes.

[Zephii]

You're welcome!

I totally know how you feel, that was me a few years ago (minus the kid) and now I'm still bloody jealous of my SO because he has a carrer and I don't. (It's better now we're in Oz and I have mates again at least). But yeah, don't hold back, I'm sure he wants to see you happy! Don't feel bad about taking the money. It's an LDR - Visits are for both of you, it's not a holiday

[Engel]

I agree that him paying for everything while you visit isn't enough. You're a mum - you know it doesn't cost that much to feed one extra mouth for a few days! I think he needs to step it up. I mean, the relationship still seems pretty new, but if you're planning to close the distance, you's must be pretty committed/ready to shoulder each other's burdens.

There's nothing wrong with saying "I need more" and if he's going to not listen, or just say "where's the optimist" you need to write him a letter/ email instead. People can't inturupt you speaking when you speak on paper
While you're there asking for a half hour call a day rather than ten minutes (make sure you outline how YOU feel when he's constantly got more important things to do than talking to you) tell him how damn miserable you are. Really. I know we all hate to complain but some people don't get it unless you really spell it out for them. It's his job as your partner to care, so put it on the table, and ask for help. Help could be more time, or something better to look forward to. It might be him texting you a joke a day to brighten your world. It could be the simple words "I understand". But almost everything can be made better, even things that can't be fixed right away.

I also think you need to visit less, as horrifying as that thought is. It's not ok to make yourself miserable for a guy who wont meet you half way, truly. Maybe if you stop putting in such a stellar effort he'll understand that when you say "I'm broke!" you really mean it. In the mean time you can take up a hobby so that you don't spend the time in between visits wanting to kill yourself with a fork.
When I need a hobby, but I need to save money, I play WoW. It's pathetic, but it works. You socialize with people outside of your small town, it chews a rediculous amount of hours, gives you a false sence of achievement and you don't leave the house, thus you don't spend money haha. What more could you want? Failing that, I'm sure there's something you've been busting to do, but that you can't because you're streching you money so thin.

Everyone here is also great. For the longest time I think this forum has been the only thing close to a hobby I've had - it's great! So throw yourself in there and waste some time. It would be awesome to see some more threads coming from a mature standpoint (no offense to anyone else, of course!) and when in doubt, there's the blog section. No one tells you to shut up in the blog section hahaha

all of that!


if you spend almost all your money, that barely leaves enough for food.... that is no way to leave. i also agree with the visiting less (and everything else zephii said). your kid may be resentful of you because of that sooner or later as well. i know me and my brother would in his posisition, being underaged and our mother spending almost all her money for a bloke long distance while she barely leaves enough for her/us to eat/live confortably. for a guy that has a lot more money than her and isnt doing the same.

think about yourself, think about your son. you dont want to regreat this years in the future. so see each other less frequently, or tell him he needs to help you out more with the tickets. because you just cant carry on like that!

[Andi]

wow engel...don't hold back. my son is very well taken care of. not having money for food is a bit of an exaggeration. my son is also 17 not 5, he has a job and is very independent. I found your reply a bit on the harsh side. i was looking for positive support. If I want to know what a horrible mother i am I will visit my own mother who feels i am a failure. I raised a child on my own from the time i was 18 and he is a wonderful caring supportive person who has never been deprived of any of life's joys. please think before you blast someone about their ability to raise and care for a child. My child is anything but resentful, in fact the only thing that keeps him going is knowing we are getting out of this hell hole that we live in (not the house i bought when i was 26 the narrow minded religious zealots we are surrounded by here in "Gods" country). With the downfall of the American economy everyone I know has taken a huge financial hit and the part of the country i live in was hit very hard. i will have much better prospect in california and am already talking with people about possible career opportunities. I found your post offensive and overly harsh. Please read what you write before you post, people are here for support and encouragement not to be made to feel worse.

[digitalfever]

all of that!


if you spend almost all your money, that barely leaves enough for food.... that is no way to leave. i also agree with the visiting less (and everything else zephii said). your kid may be resentful of you because of that sooner or later as well. i know me and my brother would in his posisition, being underaged and our mother spending almost all her money for a bloke long distance while she barely leaves enough for her/us to eat/live confortably. for a guy that has a lot more money than her and isnt doing the same.

think about yourself, think about your son. you dont want to regreat this years in the future. so see each other less frequently, or tell him he needs to help you out more with the tickets. because you just cant carry on like that!

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with this. While I'm all for reality checks and making sure the OP knows what's up I think this was ill placed.

I think your making a lot of assumptions here that could be hurtful and insinuate that the OP is a bad and/or neglectful mother. As it stands you don’t know the OP and therefore cannot make such claims nor does her post imply that she leaves her child without a home, food and clothing. She said she was broke. I think most single mothers no matter what their situation experience being “broke” which doesn’t mean without any of the necessities it just means less luxury.

While I agree visiting less would afford her more income and allow her to provide a more suitable situation for her child I don’t think we are here to judge but offer constructive advice.

[Andi]

I don't want to offend anyone's religion, i know it sounded harsh and it is. i have nothing against religion (any of them) but where i live there are many who cram their religion down everyone's throat and if you don't believe the way they do they will takes steps to worsen your life. It's not the majority but 1 bad apple can ruin the whole bunch. My son has been having big problems with bullies at his school and they are all very religious. The ones who practice what they preach are wonderful people and i am friends with many who are very religious and we accept and love each other for our differences. i don't want it to sound like i hate religious people, that is not the case, just the few who especially at this time are making my son miserable at his high school.

[digitalfever]

I don't want to offend anyone's religion, i know it sounded harsh and it is. i have nothing against religion (any of them) but where i live there are many who cram their religion down everyone's throat and if you don't believe the way they do they will takes steps to worsen your life. It's not the majority but 1 bad apple can ruin the whole bunch. My son has been having big problems with bullies at his school and they are all very religious. The ones who practice what they preach are wonderful people and i am friends with many who are very religious and we accept and love each other for our differences. i don't want it to sound like i hate religious people, that is not the case, just the few who especially at this time are making my son miserable at his high school.

Do you live in the 'Bible Belt'?

[Sierra]

I wish I had some advice for you but all I can do is offer you words from someone in a similar situation. I'm going to leave your child - who is really almost an adult - out of this because I believe that almost all parents provide for their children the best that they can and I'm sure he's your first priority.

I am disabled. I make a great hourly wage, but I cannot work that many hours per week. The trips between us aren't that expensive but it comes down to me really going without and saving to be able to see each other. He's paid for two one way tickets, for two trips. I try not to hold this against him because I realize that we both have our short comings at time, but in the end, he does make more money than me.

I too, am a practical prisoner in my home because of the expense of having a long distance relationship. I pay my bills, which are minimal and agreed to go on a shake (not shake only but I'm doing shake only) diet because my mom agreed to pay for it so I don't have to pay for many groceries.

He has no idea how much I go without because of our relationship and in my eyes it's just me trying to make it work. I know things will be easier when I move there.

I grew up in a family of VERY INDEPENDENT women. I mean, fiercely independent. There is only one marriage in my family that has lasted. Because of this influence I feel the need to be just as independent and this leads me to pretty much never ask for help.

I know to an outsider reading this it may seem that he's using me. But my boyfriend isn't. I just don't let him know how much I struggle. He doesn't know when I'm sitting at home doing nothing because gas is so high if I have to fill up my tank more than once every two weeks it's almost impossible for me to see him, these are all things I keep from him.

I just want you to know, you're not alone in trying to make this work the best that you can. I don't think it's fair to be a prisoner in your home, but I don't think it's fair to me either. I'm alone too, my friends are over a hundred miles away and I just really only have one extremely crappy friend here who only wants to spend money.

It's hard. I just want to let you know that I know how hard it is too. As for him helping you feel like you're not so alone, why not ask if you can exchange emails? That way he can write them at his leisure without any pressure and you can respond accordingly. If you need to talk I'm just a PM away.

[Andi]

Do you live in the 'Bible Belt'?

Yes, in Tennessee. My son and i are both atheist. He regularly attended a baptist church most of his life with his father and he has made his own decision to believe (or lack thereof) as I do.