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    Boyfriend seeming distant? Concerned?

    Hello everyone! First post, and I will first take it to introduce myself. My name is Hollie, I live in the US. I am 21 years old, and in my first year of college to become a graphic designer. I live out on my own(ish) with two other roommates, and am making life work one step at a time. I am in a long distance relationship with a wonderful man who happens to live 1,000 miles away from me in Toronto, Canada. (Insert sad face here.) We've been together for going on nine months now, and though we've had our share of ups and downs, it's still been the best nine months I could say I've ever had in my entire life.

    However, as of the last couple months or so, things have hit a somewhat low point and it's left me rather restless. I'll try and make this as short and sweet as possible, all the while getting to the point...

    My boyfriend is the type who needs to work (as in, having a job) to totally feel accomplished in life. He feels somewhat useless and kind of like a bump on a log if he's not working and putting his mind to something, which is completely understandable because I'm exactly the same way. (No money means none of those expensive international flights across country borders, though I'm lucky it's just Canada!) He lives with a somewhat pushy father, who always badgers him about finding a job and puts him under pressure if he doesn't, even when my SO is doing everything in his power to find a job. (He just recently ended his contract with a temporary position at a local clothing store. He got his hopes up when management made it sound like he was going to stay, but ended up being let go anyways.) Needless to say, his lack of being able to find a job in this economy has been beginning to stress him out... And with stress on him comes stress on our relationship.

    Here's where I come in. Because I am understanding and concerned about my boyfriend, I tend to leave the subject alone and let him do what makes him feel better, which is well... PC gaming. MMORPGs. The dreaded six letter acronym! (I actually love gaming, hah.) Getting immersed in games is his way to distract himself from doing nothing, and it keeps his mind going and distracts him from the constant pestering and pressure coming from his father, who is just... Intolerable to say the least. However... Just recently, things have gotten rather bad in the 'distraction' factor.

    Long story short, my boyfriend is becoming so distracted by this one game (that I introduced him to... Oops), that he takes eons, and I mean eons to respond back to any texts or anything I send him. My last text to him was at 5:15... It is now 8:13. Normally I let it slide, but it's been becoming absolutely crazy as of the last couple months since he's been let go of his last job. I have to somewhat pester him to get a response back because he flat out forgets to respond to me (which he admits to), and when he does respond, it is normally something short like "Oh?" Or some silly emoticon. While I know it's a mixture of stress as well as distraction getting to him, and making him act, well... Very uninterested in speaking to me, I still can't help but take it somewhat hard. There's already one thousand miles between us, and him completely pushing me off in favor of distracting himself with games is a tad bit hurtful, and it leaves me feeling a bit lonely, unwanted, and perhaps like I'm not a priority. The only saving grace from all of this is he does call me pretty much every night... Which shows me he cares, and that he does take initiative, but even sometimes over phone conversations, he is quiet and doesn't respond much. (Though there are times I can't get him to stop talking, and those are the times I love most.)

    I guess what I'm trying to figure out is... How to make it so it doesn't seem like the distance is continuing to grow between us? And I don't mean physically, I mean emotionally. It's a touchy situation because I know he's not doing this to be mean or because he is uninterested... But sometimes, a steady conversation throughout the day would be nice. (Not all the time, I'm not that needy. But I'm becoming kind of needy now because of how long this string of 'distance' has been going on.) He's always talking about how he talked to his guildies and whatnot, and it makes me realize that he probably talks to them more than he does me on any given day. I've told him before if he could just try to put a teeny-tiny bit of effort in getting back to me... And it worked for a while, then slipped again. He even told me he would text more when had my surgery a week or so ago on Thursday, since I would be too tired to stay up to talk on the phone, and he didn't. What's a girl to do?

    #2
    Talk to him, properly. Ask him if he can set aside some time for you talk one night, and tell him how you're feeling. Explain to him what you've explained to us, but go into detail with him. You'll probably want to say things like "I feel like ____", or "this makes me think _____", rather than saying he isn't doing this and he isn't doing that, because he may then feel attacked.

    You know its a possibility that he could also be depressed. Losing a job is a tough thing, and if he takes pride in his work and its something he lives for, he could be feeling like he's got nothing left and that can make him sad. So go easy - don't be afraid to ask him how he sees things and how everything is making him feel too.

    Oh and welcome to LFAD

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      #3
      Thanks Zapookie, I'll do that at some point. <3 And thanks for the welcome, too!

      And yeah, there's actually no doubt in my mind that he's at least feeling some form of depression, especially since this is a vicious cycle that never ends. It's nothing he's doing wrong, but it just keeps working out that he can't keep a job. I ask him often how he's feeling and sometimes he vents, other times he doesn't. A lot of the time he doesn't actually, and it frustrates me because when I ask him how he's doing, and he says 'okay,' I can tell it's more like... 'Bummed but I don't want to really talk about it.' Which I wish he didn't do, but what can you do? Can't force it out of him.

      And yeah, I have talked to him before. I never ever right out go at him, because I know he's not doing this on purpose. I know in my hearts of hearts he's not, and I know he cares, and loves me... But it just can be frustrating when you know logically but you're having a hard time feeling it emotionally, you know?

      Comment


        #4
        Can you game together? Me and HBB play a mmo together called Goonzu (its kinda cutesy but fun and free) and we are soon to download Guild Wars. I actually love it, it makes me feel like I am there almost, since we can interact and sometimes (ok usually) he has to help save me from monsters cause he somehow ended up with the more powerful weapon even though we are the same level -_-

        Anyways, you could try that. Beyond that advice, I would say the one thing that I learned about men is that they are NOT as complicated as they seem. If he seems distant its probably because he is feeling like crap and like a failure (men equate work with success and if his dad is putting pressure it can really bother a man). I would try and just be there, distract him and make it so he wants to talk to you because you make him forget his problems. I had to do this for HBB on many occasions after a fight with his dad he had, just tell him first how much YOU think of him and how you don't see him as a failure. I once made HBB tear up when I launched into a 10 minute pep talk to him about how amazing I thought he was, how he was so driven and I respected him so much for it...and I meant every single word. Your guy may not react, but know he is taking those words to heart. However once it is said and done, leave it and do not bring it up unless he does. One way to drive a man batty is to keep asking him if he is ok, and it will drive him away as I am sure he does not want to think about it.

        Start watching a new show together free online (1channel.ch) or start a MMO, or just play dumb games on Pogo.com or OMGpop.com. Make 'your' time fun time, a treat and an escape. Sometimes all our SO's need us to do is be fun, and take them away from it all.
        Last edited by Jezah; March 7, 2012, 02:46 AM.

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          #5
          Thanks for the input Jezah! And yeah, actually, we intended to play this game together, but because I have such a busy schedule (it's been a bit more relaxing as of late though) it can be hard to play at the same time as him and then he's levels ahead of me. xD Aha. Work and school and the like. It can be hard to do much of anything "together", which is why I take such importance in the little things, like texting and calling. Until school lets out, I am pretty much a busy bee.

          And you're right on that. I don't pester him about it... I just bring up the usual "how are you feeling?" and if he wants to talk about it he will, if he doesn't, he won't. Like you said, he would rather be distracted by other things than talk about that all the time. I know I would be driven batty if I was forced to bring up my problems all the time when I didn't wanna talk about them and would rather talk about and do other things. And I always do my best to talk him up and make him feel better, because he really is an absolutely amazing guy. I keep that in mind even during times like these where he's especially distant, and it really helps me. I'm never ever mad at him about being distant and I never lash out at him for it, because I do understand. I'm just looking for ways to help him through this and get him back to his usual pep... Whether it's something I can do, or something he can do. It's just so hard when often, I'm trying so hard and he's so unresponsive, you know? But I think it's getting better, one little step at a time.

          Thanks guys!

          Comment


            #6
            I'll come back and read all this when I have more time but just based on the title I was reminded of this
            https://members.lovingfromadistance....y-his-and-hers

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by snow_girl View Post
              I'll come back and read all this when I have more time but just based on the title I was reminded of this
              https://members.lovingfromadistance....y-his-and-hers
              Aha!!! Guilty as charged! LOL.

              Comment


                #8
                Let him know that it bothers you. OR, just let him know that you understand that he gets busy, but if he is doing something that he cant text you back then to just let you know so you dont get annoyed that he isnt responding.

                I had to do this with my SO and by doing so it ended alot of frustration. But he does need to have some time set aside for just you. Like others suggested, you need to talk to him that way he is aware that it is bothering you.
                Got together Jan 3, 2011~ Closed the Distance March 23, 2012~ Living Together Since June 19 2012~ Future TBD......

                I miss you more than I ever could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal." ~ Vita Sackville-west

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                  #9
                  Thanks Bethypoo! And yeah, I've talked to him and have let him know of my frustrations. He does well for a little while, but then begins to space off again and then get distracted by games. I've been taking it one step at a time though. We do have roughly two and a half hour conversations every night, so it tends to make up for it, hah hah. I guess maybe I can't be too hard on him.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I wouldnt over think it.
                    I do with my SO and he gets so angry with me
                    I sometimes get upset when he doesnt tell me stuff thats going on in his life.
                    but i hear from his family thats just how he is.
                    so im trying not to over think it anymore.

                    be patient (=
                    he might just be working alot of overtime as well.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Thanks MeganK! Appreciate it!

                      And yeah, I've been letting it slide the passed couple days. He's coming to it looks like; he's starting to talk a lot more and be more engaged, at least over the phone. Like how he used to be. He even vented a little to me yesterday. I think he's slowly crawling out of whatever funk he's in right now.

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