Can the first love be final love?

[Jezah]

I ask this because this relationship with HBB is, as they say, not my first time at the rodeo. I have had 3 serious boyfriends, dated plenty and use my experience with that in my relationship with HBB. Its how I know he is the one for me, because in 10 years of dating I have never felt this way before, never felt so perfect.

HOWEVER, HBB is 23 and besides a few meaningless 'flings' in uni he has never had a serious girlfriend or been in love. His dad, in our ever on going battle, is using this fact to say HBB cannot possibly know love when he sees it. That I am just his 'first love' and so it just SEEMS perfect. I don't know how to feel on this, his dad makes ONE really good point, which is that when HBB becomes an officer he will suddenly become 'the man in uniform' and women will be throwing themselves at him. I tend to believe this, as HBB is by no means ugly and the only thing that WAS holding him back was his lack of confidence. HBB swears it doesn't matter, as since we have been dating he has been hit on a few times and he just ignored it as he only has eyes for me. So I broke it down into, for me, the pros and cons.

Pros: We are REALLY in love, My mom was my dads first love and they have been married 38 years, I feel this relationship is right with MY experience, and last but not least in my mind is that astrologically we are a intense and perfect love match (I believe in it, and HBB kinda does)

Cons: He has no idea what other girls are out there, No experience in maintaining a serious relationship, has a lot of change coming up in his life, and on top of this we are LDR and may still be when girls are throwing themselves at him

So I am actually a bit torn. LFADers, I need advice. Do you think that a mans 'first love' and first real girlfriend can become his forever love and wife? Can it happen or am I heading for disaster when he sees what else is out there?

[Deleted]

It is not the most common thing and in these times even less so. People now are into having to try all options before getting to the final one... but I say yes... I know several people who have gotten married and they last for life with their first loves. I'm more like your SO in this: My SO's had other girlfriends, I've dated many guys and have had others who tried but I really never had another boyfriend because I was picky.

But here is the thing: I did not have any boyfriends but I did get to know guys by being friends. I never liked any of them enough as to have a relationship. In a way, I did try different options...perhaps not in the best way because you may always discover your friend is different as a boyfriend. But what I mean...is we are all different in our way of "being sure" this guy is the one. First love or not, it's time which ends up telling if the relationship will go forever.

I may sound pretty naive since I recognize I'm too young, but I am one of those who think first love can last forever...not always, but as I said I know more than a few cases! good luck.

[Trethsparr]

The forum ate my original post -- trying again.

So I am actually a bit torn. LFADers, I need advice. Do you think that a mans 'first love' and first real girlfriend can become his forever love and wife? Can it happen or am I heading for disaster when he sees what else is out there?

I do believe it can happen. I am my husband's first in everything, and he's told me that I'm the first and only woman he's specifically wanted to be with in a romantic way. (He's had other women interested in him before, and though he's considered them, he's never reciprocated their feelings.) I've believed him then, and I believe him now when he says that he's happy I'm the only romantic relationship that he's had.

I agree with Aurora that the common view is the play-the-field/try-it-before-you-buy-it mentality, but I don't believe it's the only approach a person has to have to romance. I do believe that some people can know themselves/what they want in a relationship and find it in a person without needing to date x or y amount of people and be very, very happy. Sometimes you just meet the right person and click.

But here is the thing: I did not have any boyfriends but I did get to know guys by being friends. I never liked any of them enough as to have a relationship. In a way, I did try different options...perhaps not in the best way because you may always discover your friend is different as a boyfriend. But what I mean...is we are all different in our way of "being sure" this guy is the one. First love or not, it's time which ends up telling if the relationship will go forever.

I agree with this! This was my husband's approach as well, and it worked out for him.

[kiara_silver]

I dislike this topic. My SO is my first love, boyfriend, relationship everything. And For him he's had past relations but im his first serious relationship and his first in most. So the whole not getting to experience what else is out there is questioned. This was one of my fears at one time, would he regret not knowing what else is out there. Seems today that it's so uncommon for your first love to be your last. It wasn't like this generations ago. We see romance books and movies, and so it seems like true love is fictional, but it shouldn't be that way.
But when its real, that real strong true love, it doesn't matter if there you're first, third, fifth, doesn't matter because there your last. If your happy with your SO focus on you two, dont let what others say get to you. I used to let words of others get in my head, about being young, so that makes me naive to love. Or that he's my first, so i don't know what love is like. Little jabs, but honestly it doesn't matter. It's about just you and him. Relationships are hard, but i truly believe if you want it you can make it work. My SO's the only one, we only been together 3 years, but we've put out so much, being in a LDR has been a challenge, but i think it's made us stronger. I know in my heart of hearts he's all I want. So no matter what fears, or statistics or words, i know it just makes me fight stronger. It's possible to grow old with your first love.

[Dziubka]

Why do you even give a second of your time to his dad's thoughts on your relationship?
My ex's parents hated me. They'd make up all kinds of crazy reasons why we wouldn't work out and why I'm not a good girlfriend for him. He should 'shop around' more, I'm ugly (seriously? They couldn't claim I was stupid, because in contrast to their son I was doing good in uni, so they had to find something else). They were immigrants and I started learning their native language, instead of being happy like a sane person would, they were convinced I was only using their son as a free tutor. There are probably a million things I missed or have successfully forgotten. Oh, one more thing: my parents are divorced! I don't know what that has to do with anything but apparently it was something else that spoke against me.

It's sort of funny, when I think about it now. Most of their reasons are quite creative. It's a waste of time to give them any real thought, though.

I don't think that a lack of experience means he can't stay in a committed relationship. What does make me wonder, though is that you said that he didn't use his chances before, because he wasn't confident enough.
My boyfriend doesn't have a whole lot of experience either (and certainly less than me) but it wasn't because of a lack of confidence. Before he met me he wasn't interested in the girls that showed interest in him and the girls he showed interest in, which were few to begin with, weren't interested in him and he didn't want to use someone or have a meaningless relationship. Now that he has finally found someone that he's happy with, he isn't going to give it up for someone else.
The only thing that counts is whether he wants to make your relationship work out. If he does, it doesn't matter whether this is his first, second or thirty seventh relationship. If he doesn't.... it doesn't matter either....

If you don't trust him to 'fight off' the women who will be throwing themselves at him (and what woman does that, really?), you need to re-consider your relationship. But it has nothing to do with first love or not.

[enemey96]

I think that your first love can be your last love, even if your first love is when you're young. My auntie and uncle started going out when my auntie was 16 years old, they were both each others first love, and they have now been married for 35 years!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I definitely think this depends on the person. Think about how much you've learnt from your past relationships and heartbreaks. I definitely think after my first love, my perspective changed on how I wanted to behave and what I wanted out of a partner. I think those lessons were incredibly valuable to me, despite how much pain they caused me.
However, I do think there are people who have such clarity about what they want, that it doesn't matter how many partners they've had. Some people are better at learning and responding to issues within their relationship, and manage to make it work, despite not having prior experience.
I agree with what some of the others have said - in this day and age, sticking with your first love is getting harder and harder. I think the one major issue is that you can learn so much about what is valuable to you THROUGH heartbreak... you walk into your first love with your heart completely fresh and open, and until your heart gets broken, properly smashed, it's near-impossible to understand the gravity of what giving your heart away means.
There are pros and cons to both sides of this argument. But I think what you're hoping for is possible. And also... don't you feel kinda good that you get to be his first love? Isn't that a bit exciting and magical? I know it's not yours, but you're getting a little sprinkling of that magic back, and you should just... enjoy it. Enjoy that you get to share his first experiences of love.

[Rugger]

It depends. Some people do stay with their first loves, and most don't. I was in love before my SO, with my ex and I consider that my first love. Obviously we are not together anymore so he can't be my final love.

Also who says just because you are married, he's your final love? People get divorced, and separated. People die young unfortunately. Why put the pressure on about what kind of love it is? Life is too damn short to worry about trivial stuff like that. Who cares? Just enjoy being in love!

[lala]

I also know a few couples who were eachothers first, so I guess it's possible.

It's also the first relationship for me with my SO. I could have had some before, but I never felt that this would be right or could last for a longer time. I just didn't feel that those feelings would be enough for a relationship. I'm also picky lol
but well when this with my SO started it just felt completely right,like I found my last piece
my best friend told me that I'm soo unexperienced and that I can't know what I want or don't want cause I never was in a relationship. She said that I should have some more dates with guys or even sex partners to compare them and so learning what I want. I personally think that it's bullsh**!! We argued about that! Some people just kow what they want and don't want. I don't need to be in 5 relationships to know what I want. If it's working with the first one,why to risk it just to make some more experiences??! I would rather be together with my SO for the rest of my life than having many bf who are maybe going to brake my heart or for whom I don't feel that much!

Don't listen to those people! Some are jealous, some just think they knew better because of their experiences! but everyone knows what's the best for him or her.

[books]

It can and it can't. I will say I tend to think it is much less common that a person's first love will be their final love, but are there instances where it happens? Sure. However, when people mention the one or two couples they know who were each other's first loves and ended up together, these tend to be purely anecdotal. So, it's to say that yes, it does happen, but it is really not typical or at all representative of what the experience is of most people and their first love. If you were to take a random survey of 100 or so people in their 20's or 30's, you'd probably have a better indication of how often it really does happen.

I've been there and felt the same way (albeit, much younger)...when I was 17 I met my first love and wound up staying with him for 3 years. I really couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I'm sure I said the same things...he's my true love, everything feels so right, etc. Well, obviously we broke up, I cried but eventually got over it. The funny thing is I wound up moving across the street from his Mom so I see him all the time. And I feel nothing for him.

As for the cons you listed: when do we not have a lot of change coming up in our lives? Our lives are ever-changing, and usually full of endings and new beginnings. So, that's to say... many, many people have gone through major changes in their lives and maintained their relationships throughout the process. Just this past year I moved back to the US after being gone for years and started not one, but two new jobs. And I stayed with my SO throughout it. Also, there are literally billions of females in this world. He will never truly have an idea of just who is out there, because guess what? There will always be new females to meet. So, just because a guy has dated a few girls doesn't mean that he will ever really stop wondering what's out there just because he has a serious girlfriend. He may or may not.

[ChibiFelicia]

Firstly why do you 2 give two hoots about what his dad says? It is really just between the two of you and how you both want to approach the relationship and how much you want it to work out.

For me personally i dont believe in first love being your final love. I've seen way too many failed relationships: some because either partner just fell out of love or their lives took them in different directions, some because they were together since their teens and never experienced another person so they felt that during their midlife crisis they'd go check out other people.

Thing is i honestly believe that people dont set out to date a few people before they find their final love per se. It just happens. For me htough im glad that i have had experience of love and failed relationships (same as with my partner) because i know i wasnt ready before. I look at things a different way, i learnt about myself during those relationships. My SO and I have had this conversation before where i said to him what if you were my first everything and his reply i probably wouldnt date you. Cynical? yes. But i have to agree. I just couldnt be with someone unless they've at least messed around (again from my own experience).

[kat4301]

Yes, I agree with everything already said about how it depends on the person and the couple. I have been with my SO since high school and we were mostly each others firsts. My parents were always of the opinion that people should have dated around before commiting, but I have not heard that from them about me. My personality has not been about looking around for the right guy but more so bending and flexing our relationship as needed before getting married. Whereas my sister, who is more about searching around concerned my parents when set settled with one guy pretty young. People like to think they can predict divorce or an unhappy marriage on such simple standards such as dating around and then settling. But people are just too complicated and relationships can go through anything. We do the best we can with an uncertain future.

[SDPersona]

First loves do and can work out, but it's very hard these days as some have said. That's mainly due to a certain attitude and awareness of society and I think it also depends on the person now. Usually, first loves are a completely new experience and the novelty of it is exciting and magical. That can mess with your head in the way that you only think or care for that first relationship. I've been guilty of doing that and added to it the fact that I wasn't mature or didn't have the experience of living an adult life at the age of fifteen when I had my first love. So, personally I don't think that first loves can last if you're just fifteen, sixteen or seventeen. You're still changing when you're this young. That's my very personal experience and view on this topic - just what I've seen in my region. Your boyfriend however is 23, so it may entirely be possible that with you he has his first and last love. But truly? I can't really tell. Only you and him can know.

As for your boyfriend's father butting in: Even if it is his first love, it doesn't mean it isn't love. I find it very hurtful, denying the seriousness of a relationship (no matter if it's the first, fifth or tenth) or pushing the person to get more "experience" or someone different and it says that they aren't accepting it. Of course, there have to be good reasons for it, like for example they're worried the relationship is all they think about and forget about other things or something like that. If it's simply because it's the first time - I'd say, well thank you for your vote of confidence! After that I won't listen to it - until they give up or accept.

[Moon]

I can give some parental perspective into this

My daughter is 23, she's been dating the same guy for almost 7 years. She did have a few boyfriends before him, but she's been with him since she was 16. He's a good and decent guy, he treats her like a damn princess. I like him and I'm beginning to believe she'll end up marrying him at some point. I kinda hate that, to be honest. Having him in her life has kept her back from doing most of the things I feel she should have done, he also enables her to have no real motivation to do something with her life. He works like a machine, and pays for most of her stuff. He's also a student and already is in the Electrician's union. When she graduated, and it came time for college or university, she didn't go She wouldn't leave him, and she was an honor student I'd groomed for higher education since day 1. To say I'm hugely disappointed is a massive understatement.

He is very good to her though, and they fit together well. I wish she would have found him later in her life. I'm afraid she's missing out on those stupid, fun, careless but very important experiences you should have in your 20's. Not that she misses everything, she has her friends, she goes on a girls only beach vacation every year, he doesn't try restricting anything she does, but I desperately don't want her to regret this mid-life. We have talked about this, many times, we're very close.

It not about thinking first love can't last because, very rarely, it does, but I can understand the OP's father's concerns, although the way he voices them isn't having the effect he wants. I personally think first love, last love is restricting, I wouldn't want it for myself. I married my high school sweetheart (My kid's father) , and it (obviously ) didn't work out. I do think though it may be different if you're a bit older with that first love, 23 is enormously different than 16 or 17. I'm not trying to discourage anyone, I'm just saying how I feel about it regarding my daughter, who is the same age (or older) than most of the members of this forum. I guess it's not any advice, just info to think about.

[MissButterfly]

My mother had a couple of flings before she got together with my dad. They were each others first serious relationship, and were 16 years old when they started dating. They have been married for 20 years now, and I don't see them separating ever. With a 'success story' so close to me, I'm confident that me and my SO will last forever. Even though I'm only 18 and have never had a real boyfriend before, I know what love is. I get frustrated when people tell me I don't, because I've never had other relationships. I know it is possible, and I just want to believe that.