Will this ruin us?

[lala]

A short summary of our story:
we met last year when I went abroad for 3,5 months and fell in love. when I left he first said that he doesn't want a relationship because I'm going and we were also not official although I stayed a few times at his place and met his parents and family.. before I left he promised me that he will visit me next year (which is this summer). In the beginning we were both depressed because of this LD thing.. I told him that if we want to date other people we should be honest to eachother blabla he agreed. With the time our communication got worse and I got jealous because of things he did on fb and he also had a single status (which he deleted finally when I told him how I felt about it).. some time later I found out that he was on an online dating site..and I told him that it doesn't make sense with us anymore, not just because of this what happened but because of our lack of communication.
He appologized many times and explained to me that I misunderstood but also said that he will respect the decision I make. He told me how much he feels for me and that he's gonna come for three months to Europe.. I still loved him so we continued..in addition our communication got better and it seemed that he found out what he wants.

Yesterday when we chatted he told me about a job opportunity..which would be really great for him and his future, BUT the thing is that he will "only" get 3 WEEKS vacation a year.. I asked him if he then will just be three weeks in Europe and he just wrote me now that it's gonna be at least 4 weeks but he has to talk to his boss.

So that 3 months (like he said) became maybe 4 weeks!!!
I wonder if he just told me this with the 3 months to calm me down and make me believe that he would sacrifice a lot for me? On the other hand he didn't know that he will get this great chance...

I'm happy for him, don't get me wrong but that was not what I expected. I'm replacing an important exam just to have time for him this summer.. I mean it's of course great that I'm gonna to see him, but 4 weeks (I'm sure it will be less..) is so less time to get to know eachother better and maybe make important decissions for life which I wanted to talk with him about..

I have the feeling that this summer will destroy our relationship and will just bring more harm and not joy..
I don't know what to do? Has anybody some advice?

[Haley53]

Well what I'm not understanding is are you in the same page as far as exclusivity? If he said he didn't want a relationship, then was it necessarily fair of you to get angry/upset over his having a single status on Facebook or being signed up on a dating site?

If you're not in an official relationship, then I'm not sure what there is to suggest other than that I do think the summer might bring more harm than good, especially if there have been other visits in between and your relationship has yet to progress. The only reason I think it might bring more harm than good is because you seem to be more exclusively invested in this than he is. :/

That being said, if you are in an exclusive relationship, then I think you need to take it as it comes to you, really. My partner can only leave his country two weeks out of the year as things stand currently, and he's starting school in September, so being able to fly him out here isn't going to be an option after his visit here in March. We had originally planned for him to come spend the summer with us. :P It's such an awful feeling when your plans are thrown like that, but all you can do is take a deep breath, cry it out if you need to, then wake up the next morning knowing you're going to make it work. Because in the end, making it work is all you can do. It sucks you'll only get 4 weeks now, instead of 3 months, but that doesn't mean you can't take time to get to know one another or still have serious discussions, and in the end, a three month holiday doesn't give you that many more answers that a one month holiday won't. :P

[lala]

Well like I said he first said no to a relationship but we had contact and he said how much he misse me and that I'm so important to him.. and we also decided that if he have the feeling that we want to date other people we will tell eachother..
I thought that his status is not that right,cause we have strong feelings for eachother, he wants to come to visit me so we can continue in summer,.. for me it sounds like a realtionship. He finally removed it because he wanted it and thought that I'm right..

the last time we saw eachother was end of july and we'll see eachother again in august..so ONE year..fo what?for four weeks.. and then another one year not seeing eachother.. I have really strong doubts

[Moon]

Only 3 weeks? If he's American (or from many other places) that's very, very good for a new job, especially if he's entry level. You're lucky, many places start you off with a week, and after years you'll get a few more. Once school's over, you don't get those multiple month holidays anymore, and probably never will again, he wasn't lying to calm you down, he was probably just a little naive about what it's like out in the real world.

One of the challenges of an LDR once you're out of school is vacation time, it sucks, but there's nothing you can do about it. I have 4 weeks a year with my guy, and if I were to start a new job, it would probably only be two, three at the most. You have to decide if that's something you can handle or not, because if he has a job, that's what it's going to be.

[digitalfever]

I’m just being honest here but there doesn’t really sound like you two are in an exclusive relationship. From what I can tell is that you’ve both established how you feel about one another but really haven’t discussed where that leaves the two of you in regards to actual commitment and a plan for the future. I think it sounds like you’ve both been open with your feelings but not your relationship status. Saying you’ll inform each other if you want to date other people isn’t a relationship. Maybe he doesn’t want to see other people but there doesn’t seem to be the basis for a relationship here.
Secondly, I think you have to understand that life gets in the way close distance or not. He needs a job to live and he won’t find a job (if he’s from the U.S) that gives him three months of Vacation. Is there an opportunity that you’d be willing to travel again? I would look at other options.

[lala]

Like I said, we talked about "telling eachother if we wanna date others.." in the beginning. Later I told him that we can either be in a realtionship or not. He told me that he doesn't want to see anyone else.. but he said that we don't know what will happen in the future as we both have our school to finish..
we didn't spend that much time together to call it a relationship when we won't see eachother for one year. I wanted to talk to him about it in summer and get to know him better so that we both can figure out what we want and he also said that he wants to get to know me better and meet my family..
I'm just soo confused. Are we exclusive? What does he wants from this?..

and yes he is from canada.. he pauses with school.. and he thinks that doing this job will get him a lot of experiences which will be good when he continues with school.
As for me travelling.. I have my school to finish and after summer to prepare for my exams.. In addition I have no job to pay for the expensive flights.. -.-

[digitalfever]

Like I said, we talked about "telling eachother if we wanna date others.." in the beginning. Later I told him that we can either be in a realtionship or not. He told me that he doesn't want to see anyone else.. but he said that we don't know what will happen in the future as we both have our school to finish..
we didn't spend that much time together to call it a relationship when we won't see eachother for one year. I wanted to talk to him about it in summer and get to know him better so that we both can figure out what we want and he also said that he wants to get to know me better and meet my family..
I'm just soo confused. Are we exclusive? What does he wants from this?..

and yes he is from canada.. he pauses with school.. and he thinks that doing this job will get him a lot of experiences which will be good when he continues with school.
As for me travelling.. I have my school to finish and after summer to prepare for my exams.. In addition I have no job to pay for the expensive flights.. -.-

I'm not understanding what you want to hear? I'm telling you that no you probably are not exclusive because he hasn't committed to a relationship not only that neither of you has the time to put into establishing the relationship now.

[LoveL]

Between school and work, LoveJ and I have only days at a time that we can squeeze in throughout the year. (4 weeks together at a time would be an absolute dream come true. So far, we haven't had more than 4.5 days) But that doesn't make our commitment to each other any less significant. In fact, it makes it stronger.

The thing about LDRs is that you have to have incredibly strong communication outside of the physical closeness. Physical closeness is easy to mistake for "love" but real heart-level communication is what will bond you guys together better than anything else. It's what allowed LoveJ and I to fall in love so quickly, because we totally poured our souls into our e-mails and phone calls. Our physical connection is incredible and is very hard to think about not having on a daily basis. But the emotional connection and the communication is what started us off to begin with and it's what keeps us closer than any other relationship that I know of, and I'm not being biased. The difference isn't just because we are better people than anyone else, it's because we are 1,000% committed and we know each other like our own skin because of... communication.

Build your relationship based on that communication and if all you get is 4 weeks in the Summer, relish the shit out of that time together. If you are not committed to each other 100%, then yes, this is will break you. But it's not because of the situation itself; it's because you guys weren't supposed to be together in the first place. Many times people try and force relationship and try and make them work even though they aren't as ideal or as compatible as they should be. People can fake those relationships and make them work for a long time, but ultimately that won't make you as happy as you can be. (Ask me how I know.)


Make sure that this is what you want, because in many ways a LDR takes more of a committment than a close-distance relationship.
And if you guys can't get close through other means of communication, then it's a red flag that you wouldn't work out long term anyway.

[lala]

well ok so I'll tell him now to forget about everything..that it makes no sense to come just 4 weeks to europe? I have no idea what I should think or do...

[LoveL]

No one is telling you to drop everything.
But you guys, as a couple, need a real sit-down to figure out what you want out of life and to determine if you want to be together. And I don't think that's a one-time conversation. It's a conversation where you have to determine how much you love each other and if you are so sure in your heart that you simply cannot live without that person. If you are both on the same page, then no manner of difficulty or obstacle should stop you. If little obstacles stop you, then it shows you what your relationship was really worth.

[Dauntedpoet]

well ok so I'll tell him now to forget about everything..that it makes no sense to come just 4 weeks to europe? I have no idea what I should think or do...

I get 2 weeks a year... because that's how america does it.. I don't get holidays because of my job. He gets 4 weeks and holidays because he is in the UK. for 12 years we have made it work as friends and then lovers.. 2 weeks he comes here while I work and we do things on the weekends and I squeeze as much time out of a day I can get without missing pay that I need... and 2 weeks a year I use my vacation and go there.. while he takes his other 2 weeks vacation and we are together.

It all depends on what you want, and how much you want it. Only you know that.

[Haley53]

I agree with digitalfever, as far as all it sounds like if you have feelings for each other. :/ Being important to someone doesn't mean you're committed to them. That being said, I think the important thing is to continue being open and honest and it sounds like you've both agreed to be honest if you end up seeing other people or having relations with other people. I think that's the main thing, though I really would not continue banking on there being an exclusive commitment.

HOWEVER, I don't see why that has to mean he can't visit? Yes, only a month is shitty but it's one more month than you would normally have had without it. I'm a student and will be for some years more, and I'm fortunate in the sense I have a job that can pay for me to see my boyfriend or for him to come out here, but like I said, he can only come out a couple weeks out of the year. We're still not sure where we're going to go after my visit in the summer, primarily because I'll have a working holiday to be saving up for. But we make it work because that's what's available to us. One month isn't three, but it's not some skimpy amount of time either. I don't get why 4 weeks is apparently not worth it to want to cancel everything and tell him not to come in the summer. o.O There are plenty of people would kill for 3-4 weeks of their partner's time at a time. If you're going to be this picky about visits, then it's possible long-distance simply isn't for you? :/ Personally I'd sleep on it and be grateful for what you're getting, but that's me.

[Moon]

well ok so I'll tell him now to forget about everything..that it makes no sense to come just 4 weeks to europe? I have no idea what I should think or do...

If that's all you got from the advice people just gave you, then maybe that's for the best.
Have you even tried asking HIM any of these questions recently? You really should be defining your relationship with him, no one here can tell you what your relationship status is, we aren't in it. I honestly don't understand the problem, OK, it's disappointing to have his holiday cut short, but it is what it is, I'm not sure what you're trying to think or do; if you want to try making a go of this, you work with what you have. Many of us in LDR's manage to get to know each other without spending months together at a time, but LDR's aren't for everybody.

I go to Europe from the US one or two weeks at at time, and it makes perfect sense to me.

[lala]

no I'm just soo confused right now
I don't want to end it, but right now I'm just so hurt.. I can't explain to you guys how I feel and like I see no one gets me..
I really think that i have to sleep about it.

and the communication issue is difficult cause we have 8hours time differences.. he works 2 jobs and coaches a sport team while I'm a full time student. We've never skyped just chat from time to time or send mails and msg...

I'm just afraid that I won't see him as much as i want in summer and that it's just gonna hurt a lot or that we will argue or.. uuugh I don't know. I'm just depressed, but thank you though for ALL your advice! I appreciate that a lot <3

[LoveL]

Let's just look at this from the standpoint of being busy, as if it involves any other relationship.

If he worked a separate night shift and coached a sports team in the day time and generally was busy all the time, it would still be hard to have a good opportunity to communicate, right? .... Except that if you guys decided to be in a relationship then you have to make a commitment to each other and MAKE time to communicate. I don't care how busy I get when I have other stuff goming on, LoveJ is my priority so I make as much time for her as humanly possible. And she does the same for me. It's just the way it is when two people are committed to each other. If you want to have a relationship, then fight for it and make it work. But if that determination and commitment and love doesn't flow both ways, then there is really no relationship to worry about in the first place.

You have to make sure that this is isn't a one sided thing that is simply being blinded by the emotion and initial attraction that you're still holding on to from the time you guys spent together last year.

Little example, my dad lives in a foreign country with an 8 hour time difference. We still talk at least every other day and sometimes everyday. We have phone calls and chat sessions when necessary and there is always the instant text message or e-mail. Those are great ways to stay connected and they are an open medium so you should be able to have all of the conversations that you need to have with someone to make sure that this is the road you want to go down.

Take a breather. Hell, take two. Then talk to him directly. Asking others for advice doesn't seem to be working right now.

PS: Don't be scared to argue. If you don't learn to work through differences, you'll never make it. Arguing also lets each of you really see what the other is feeling. It's a great relational resource, if handled properly.