Meeting Your SO's Family

[Kerry]

I've met my fiance's intimate family- all except his oldest son. when I met his Mom, stepdad, and brother for the 1st time it was great! we had a nice chat and it wasn't awkward at all. the conversation flowed and I didn't feel left out. on my 2nd trip I met his sister and 2 of her adult kids. they have been telling my SO that they've been wanting to meet me so we all met for lunch. so we do and what happens? they all exclude me from the conversation! of course they're talking about stuff that's family related and I can't exactly add my 2 cents, you know? so I had a few opportunities to talk to his sister but most of the time it was all 4 of them talking and me being the odd girl out. I was honestly a little surprised that my SO didn't do anything to include me in the conversation. I thought he should have. it's what i would have done.

he will be meeting my family next and it will not be like my meeting his sister. my family is very welcoming and we don't like to make people feel uncomfortable. we've all been there and it just sucks! this all happened with his family 3 months ago so I don't even know if it's worth bringing up now. he did tell me afterwards that his sister and her kids really liked me and I was thinking- but they never spoke to me!

anyone else have experience of getting the cold shoulder by their SO's family or friends?

[Dziubka]

They're not being mean on purpose and they're not giving you the cold shoulder. They wanted to meet you and they liked you, that's great. That's more than a lot of us have.

If you're together as a family, obviously you talk about family related stuff like other family members or past events or common friends. What are they supposed to talk about to include you? It would be really hard to keep the topics general enough for you to be able to make equal contributions. Especially at the first meeting. It's nice if they show interest and ask you, but I don't think you can expect to take full part in the conversation. You're new to the family, of course you're the 'odd girl out'.
I've met my boyfriend's family countless of times and I still usually sit and listen to their conversations and don't contribute much, although I'm super chatty by nature. They talk about other family or politics (my boyfriend, his dad and grandpa love that). I can't contribute much to the first because I don't know the really distant family and as a foreigner I'm not comfortable or knowledgable enough to contribute to the second. It would never in a million years come to my mind to get upset about that.

[lucybelle]

I agree with Dzuibka. I see my SO's family every week. And every week they ask me how things are going, how's work, how's the dog, then they go onto their business. I don't want to detour their conversation. I'm happy to listen and to try to learn how their family dynamic works. So that soon, I'll be able to be in the conversations!

[Haley53]

I agree with the others.

When I met my SO's family, they would ask me questions about how I liked Ireland and what did I think of the weather and what it's like compared to America, and then they would talk amongst themselves or with my partner on things I had no clue about. :P I was extremely shy and that probably contributed to it, as well - I've noticed that it takes a very forward and outgoing personality to trump my social awkwardness when it comes to introductions - but I don't see it as them having given me the cold shoulder at all. It's not like I was real chatty either! So no, I don't think it's worth bringing up to your SO. I don't see that they did anything wrong. It's possible they weren't as outgoing as the others, enough to make you feel included, or they simply had matters to discuss with your SO. Either way, it sounds innocent to me, and I think you should let it go even if it's not something your particular family would have done. Everyone's family dynamic is different (I feel like I'm saying this about everything lately), and I don't think they meant you feel to pushed aside. :P

[Tooki]

I got the cold shoulder from some of her family. But that is more due to language barriers, a lack of confidence in their ability to speak English and the nature of Estonians.

I don't mind talking about their stuff but they speak in Estonian with each other so I sit there and stare at the wall.

[13000km]

My boyfriend is the non-talker of his family, so conversations tend to go around him anyway. When I first visited they also made a lot of conversations I was not involved in. I don't think they do it on purpose though, I think it just shows that they're comfortable talking about intimate details about their family around you. Now that I've been here long enough, and met many of the people they bring up in conversation personally, I am able to join in more. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still sits out. He's just not interested.