Friends and their take on your relationship

[Zapookie]

This might be a little bit of a rant, but I just need to get this off my chest and see if anyone else on here has experienced something similar.

I have a girl friend of mine, N, who I've known for a while, who just got into a relationship almost 5 months ago. She has been having a few issues and she often comes to me, as well as a couple of our other friend, for advice. One of these other friends, D, just recently moved in with her boyfriend over Christmas.

I have noticed that whenever N asks for advice, she sort of just brushes me off and says that she'll give it a try or whatever. I spoke to the other friend, D, last night and she was telling me how N always listens to her. I mentioned that N never takes on board the advice I have to give. D goes on to tell me that both her and N share the opinion that because I don't see my boyfriend often, I couldn't possibly know about the types of problems they were having, and that my problems are different to theirs and easier than theirs.

I almost blew a fuse. Mind you, this conversation occurred in a car with one other friend and I was sitting in the backseat so they couldn't see my face, but I was not happy. I didn't say anything and held my tongue the entire night.

I feel like if anyones advice is best, it's MINE. I've been in a relationship longer than both of them combined, and I've been through everything that my friend was going through and just because I don't see my boyfriend every day, my experiences and my advice aren't valid? I seriously just wanted to help her because I don't want to see her fall flat on her face, and she goes behind my back saying these things. I had no idea any of them thought this way. I'm generally a really loving and kind person, but I almost want to say something to her if she ever asks me for advice again.

Has anyone else ever had friends like this? Do you think they were wrong in saying that? I just feel like no one understands at all or sees where I'm coming from, and I really don't like feeling like I'm almost competing with my friends, because I'm not at all. My relationship isn't perfect, but my SO and I have come such a long way and I'm proud of where we stand today, and I just wanted to share some of my wisdom with her and she throws it back in my face

[digitalfever]

Wow.

I don't think either type of relationship is easier. I think both have their advantages and disadvantages. Each relationship and situation is unique. I just don't get it.. that was rude.

[frompanthertomustang]

This happens to me all the time! I'm in college, and a lot of my female friends are looking for relationships (it sounds silly, but it's completely true... they're great girls and deserve the non-stereotypical college guys!) and they definitely have struggles. For me, it wasn't just the advice that they'd discount, but my complaints. If ever I'd have a problem with my boyfriend or something I just wanted to get off my chest, I felt I could never tell anyone because it was impossible for them to be understanding. They'd say things like, "but I'm sure it doesn't matter much because you don't have to physically deal with it 24/7," or "you should just be thankful that he isn't doing anything real to piss you off... I mean like in front of you or anything." Just because we don't see each other frequently does not mean that we can't have problems. I have found that I can get jealous when he's having exchanges with sororities and dancing with other girls ESPECIALLY because I'm not there. His tend not to think of me because I'm not a physical entity in their lives, so it's like I don't exist with them at times. People who've never been in an LDR before cannot possibly imagine the struggles we face for these long periods of time. It's definitely frustrating when people don't see your relationship as valid. I'm sorry that this girl isn't taking any of your advice to heart... I'm sure you have very insightful things to say, seeing as you're an LDR veteran. Hopefully, she'll realize that your advice could really help her... or she won't. Either way, YOU know that your relationship is more than valid. Again, I'm really sorry .

[Bethypoo]

I mean, to each their own. My best friend sometimes will put down my relationship because certain things were do aren't "normal". But every time she says it I tell her that if she didn't see her BF everyday that she would do the same thing. And when they are separated for more than 24hrs she whines. SOOOO i mean, every relationship is different and has their strengths and weaknesses.

It is ANNOYING as all get out. But whatever. You know how your relationship is, so she can think what she wants.

[Dauntedpoet]

Has anyone else ever had friends like this? Do you think they were wrong in saying that?

I have heard every stupid insensitive remark there is.. from the laughing "its not like your relationship counts though, its not REALLY a relationship.. you know what I mean, right?" .... to "well you're lucky... he can't break your heart, and you can't miss him that much, because he's never really here for that long." They were ridiculously wrong. I'm sorry you had to hear it. I have always gotten past the stupid remarks because it really is something that is beyond comprehension. Like playing chess if you've only ever played checkers.

My own brother and sister in law's only change of opinion this past Christmas even though they have known my SO for 12 years, and see him every visit. During this last visit one evening my SO and I spent with my brother and sister in law (the one who made the 'its not really a relationship' remark) asked if we wanted to play a board game, as she is obsessed with them, and she'd gotten a new one for Christmas called 'Know Your Partner'. She looked rather smug, right up until Ian and I beat the pants off her and my brother.. who have been married and living under the same roof for 20 years! HA! Not a real relationship my a$$!

[Zephii]

The level of stupid in the world amazes me sometimes.

I've never had this problem, but then, people have always asked me for advice, even before I'd had a boyfriend so... *shrug* Mum used to tell me it's because I have a kind face like a cow.

But yeah, I guess next time they ask for advice let them know you're not wasting your breath on people who don't respect your opinion and that you're going for coffee with Miriam instead. Haha

[LilyChiba]

I haven't had it yet, but I have to say... firstly you're right. Just because you don't see him, doesn't mean you don't have the experiences with him. At that, who's to say you didn't go through it in a previous relationship?

[Engel]

I have heard every stupid insensitive remark there is.. from the laughing "its not like your relationship counts though, its not REALLY a relationship.. you know what I mean, right?" .... to "well you're lucky... he can't break your heart, and you can't miss him that much, because he's never really here for that long." They were ridiculously wrong. I'm sorry you had to hear it. I have always gotten past the stupid remarks because it really is something that is beyond comprehension. Like playing chess if you've only ever played checkers.

My own brother and sister in law's only change of opinion this past Christmas even though they have known my SO for 12 years, and see him every visit. During this last visit one evening my SO and I spent with my brother and sister in law (the one who made the 'its not really a relationship' remark) asked if we wanted to play a board game, as she is obsessed with them, and she'd gotten a new one for Christmas called 'Know Your Partner'. She looked rather smug, right up until Ian and I beat the pants off her and my brother.. who have been married and living under the same roof for 20 years! HA! Not a real relationship my a$$!

it sounds like a great game! and i bet most LDR (or that were LDR) couples can beat other couples on that one! i might have to search this game, sounds like fun!!! XD

[Dziubka]

People are crazy.
My girlfriends all have either very troubled or non-existing love lives. I usuallly try to hold back and don't offer any advice apart from "I'm sorry. He's an ass. Hey, let's get some chocolate/drunk!".
Sometimes when I do it anyway, I get told my advice is on valid and I couldn't possible know because "you're in a perfect relationship!". Seriously? Yeah, it makes perfect sense. Because like, you wouldn't possible consider career advice from someone with a perfect job...

I think it is true to a point that long distance relationship can have different dynamics and not everything that applies to them can 1:1 be used in close distance relationships. So I can sort of see how sometimes ldr advice doesn't help people in cd relationships. It doesn't make it invalid in general, though.
I could care less if people take my advice or not, but I have only so much patience and sympathy. If it has been obvious for months that the guy (or girl) is an asshole and you still haven't dumped them or done anything else except whine and complain, then I'm not going to listen and offer compassion anymore

[megfashion]

yes. only one though and luckily we arent talking anymore (other reasons).

she thinks that it is not understandable to text my SO during school. now, this "during school" doesnt mean during lessons, this "during school" is when i am on a break or lunch and no one is talking to me, or i am having a particularly bad day and im on my own (i sometimes do that during a free lesson... heh...)

she thinks i shouldnt text him *at all*. because, of course, i can talk to him at night.

she used to have a boyfriend, and she got to see him almost every night.

if i didnt text him during school (and i mean during the breaks when im not involved in a conversation) then i would be able to text him for maybe an hour or so? its not like i can pop round his house every night. (well i could, but i dont think the SO's mum and i are that close hehe)



when i found out how she felt about me texting my SO... she was lucky she wasnt in the room, could have exploded.


why is it so hard to fathom that maybe long distance people have their phones out to text because maybe *that is the only time they can talk*? is it too hard to comprehend?





thats the only one ive come across... at the moment... although this new group of friends i have (yeh... thats how much we fell out...) seem to forget sometimes that i do have a boyfriend... fair enough though because i tend not to talk about him :P

[dukes2011]

Some people have said to me that my boyfriend and I never go through rough patches. They think when we see each other we're just so excited that we never fight. SO FALSE! We definitely fight over stupid things just like any other CD couple.

I don't necessarily get that I can't give advice because I'm LD, I get the "you can't give advice because you weren't adults when you got together" which I don't understand. Yes, relationships that start out of college have much different circumstances than ones that started in college, but that doesn't make them any less valid.

[LoveJ]

The stigma of LDRs is that people tend not to take them too seriously because you're not in the same room every day. I've definitely gotten that same kind of reaction from people, and it IS frustrating. Just because you're not in each other's face all the time doesn't mean you don't experience the exact same things that are just part of being in a relationship.
If anything, I'd go so far as to say that you even have a better grasp of relationships than they seem to; you're able to make a relationship work from a distance, which can be a lot harder than when you're able to see them whenever you want to. You have to learn to make time for the other person, not be selfish, be trusting, and make some pretty big sacrifices to make it work. A lot of people in "normal" relationships still don't understand how to do those things. And like you said, your relationship is longer than theirs anyway, and you've managed to do it while not only dealing with standard relationship things but distance on top of that.

Since we got together, LoveL and I have had to deal with an endless amount of people telling us that we're almost delusional thinking that what we have is real, partially because of the distance but also because of how and when we came together. It just comes down to a matter of acknowledging that people are just going to think the way they're going to think and not letting it get under your skin. We know what we have, you know what you have, and that's good enough. It stinks not to get the support and respect you want, especially when you need it or have valuable advice to share, but just rest in the fact that you're in a successful relationship. Your girls' reactions are likely simply because they just don't understand.

[Deleted]

I've been told I'm not in a relationship unless I'm online. They say if internet goes off, I'm single. I laugh it away because I do not like showing I'm upset but it does piss me off a lot! I've been only 11 months with my SO and he's my frist bf, I am concious of being new to these things called relationships but I do think we've lived a lot. To be honest I do consider distance made me "grow up" a lot when it comes to this...I'm not saying I'm Miss Mature or Miss Experience, but I do believe I give some advice. Why so? because I have learnt to trust, to deal with concern, to fight impulses of comparing my relationship to others, to make sacrifices, saving money for future trips, solve any troubles by speaking, and even to know how be feels just by the way he types. Because 11 months is no time, but it is more than a week or two, which makes my CDR friends whine when their SO's go on vacation or something.

Leaving away how long my relationship has been or how it is...I believe anyone's advice is to be taken in count, specially if it comes from someone who cares for you. No matter if they are LDR, CD, or even if they've never have a relationship at all, everyone has something to say and perhaps they won't always be able to tell you exactly what to do, but perhaps they will tell you something important. A 10 year old even... a child could just say "if you love each other, you can do it!" and it sounds naive, but it can be taken in consideration. The only advice that is not worth it is the one coming from someone who wants to bring you down.

I think what happened to you is annoying! not only because they do not take you advice in mind, but because they were talking behind your back. I hate when this happens...

[Dauntedpoet]

it sounds like a great game! and i bet most LDR (or that were LDR) couples can beat other couples on that one! i might have to search this game, sounds like fun!!! XD

Its an awesome game available from amazon both US and UK. Here's the UK link.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cheatwell-G...1515213&sr=8-1

[keminlove]

wow that kind of rude for your friends to think that, but it's understandable why they would assume that. with that said, if she really believes that then why does she keep asking you for advice, it seems kind of pointless. You learn a lot from both types of relationships and your advice is completely valid and i probably would have had words for them lol. Any who, honesty you just gotta take it with a grain of salt and know that your friends will say stupid stuff from time to time. I am actually the go to advice girl among my friends and they too have been LDRs so it's never been a problem. Maybe you should voice your concerns with and let them know just because you don't see your SO everyday doesn't mean you don't know anything about relationships.