Sooo my mom hates my boyfriend, now what?

[crystaldragonix]

Hi LDR community,

I need some serious advice. My LDR is going on 6 years and it looks like its going to be another 4 b/c of grad school. My mom and I are super close, I tell her EVERYTHING. But thats just the problem, every time I have an issue with my BF I go to her. I have went to friends before but I practically ran them away because of my constant "I miss him" and "When is he coming to visit." and "He is such a jerk". But the level of crazy has reached its peak. Over spring break I said enough is enough, I can't do LDR anymore and broke it off. (Mind you this has happened several times and I always come crawling back). BUT I have decided ONCE AND FOR ALL not talk to ANYONE about my problems (except yall) because it frankly makes things a lot worse between my BF and I.

My mom is under the impression that I have moved on but we are back together. I told her I was coming home from school and my BF will take me home. She said, "Oh, so your talking to HIM again?" What am I going to do?? I don't want to have an argument with my mom for the millionth time about my BF.

How can I convince her that I plan on staying with him no matter what? How can I stop coming to her every time he pisses me off?

Thanks

[snow_girl]

Well if you have been on and off several times I don't blame her for being cynical. The only way you can convince her is to actually remain in the relationship and not call it off when things get tough. You've found LFAD now, you can vent here instead.

[Sierra]

I agree with snow. To be honest, we all understand the frustrations of being in a LDR here, there are many times where I've wanted to end my relationship just because it's so much, but I know better. Being on again and off again is usually a sign of being in an unhealthy relationship. If it were my daughter, I would question her and say something like - you're breaking up for a reason, what are you doing? If you want to be with someone, be with them, don't break their heart again and again.

You need to explain to your mom how you feel. I don't blame her for being skeptical, but if you guys are really close, you should be open with her. My mom gets upset when I come over to her house (I work for her too) crying and fighting with my boyfriend. She asks me if he makes you cry, why are you with him, but then sees how we come around and doesn't question me anymore.

People on here and even in my real life have questioned my relationship because I got into the habit of only talking about the negative sides of our relationship instead of celebrating the good with other people as well. Share the positive side of your relationship with her too or she's going to worry, like any mother does, about the path that her daughter is walking down.

[littleblue]

I am close with my mum too, and I have to stop myself sometimes from telling her anything bad going on in our relationship. But she wants what is best for you and hearing how unhappy it makes you, and moaning about him won't give her the best impression of him - her natural instinct is to feel over-protective.

I try to think of how I would feel if I knew my SO went to his mum everytime we had a problem or an argument, and I would really hate for her to have a low opinion on me based on hearing his complaining.

If there's one thing I've learnt, its that the best person to sort relationship issues with is the person you're in a relationship with. Everyone needs to vent, try using LFAD, or even write things down. If you read it back a couple of days later, I guarantee you'll realise you were overreacting at the time

[Sierra]

^^^

even write things down. If you read it back a couple of days later, I guarantee you'll realise you were overreacting at the time

That is me, CONSTANTLY. Not the writing things down, but getting mad and realizing a few days later like WTH was I thinking?

[kittyo9]

Uhm... stop breaking up with him, for one, because if you are serious about staying with him, you should be working through your problems, not dropping him the instant something turns sour. Couples that break up a lot indicate to me that they are either not serious or not very good for one another. Obviously I don't know you and I don't know your circumstances-- it's just the impression that I get when I hear about things like that, and that may be why your mom feels like something is wrong here.

After that... it matters less what she thinks and more what's right for you. You are your own individual person and you do not have to see eye to eye with her on everything. Take careful consideration, however, as to why she might think he's not good for you any more. If you are that close with her, talk to her about it. She should have no problem telling you what she thinks. Explain why you are with him and why you plan to stay with him.

And lastly... learn to deal with your problems on your own. It's nice to rely on friends and family when times get tough, but these are not really tough times if they happen as frequently as you say. This is your boyfriend of six years. I take it this means you are an adult and you have an adult relationship. It sounds like you like to socialize, which is great, but if all you're doing is complaining to people, that's not very considerate of you, nor is it very appealing. You don't have to stop telling them entirely-- especially if they ask-- but I appreciate that you have made the decision to try to be a more positive person to your friends and family.

[alesitag]

My philosophy when it comes to relationships (LDR or not) is, LEAVE YOUR PARENTS OUT OF IT when things get a bit rough!!

It doesn't matter how close you are to them, or if they're your best friends, whenever something's making you unhappy they'll jump into their parents suit ASAP and become overprotective... then you and your SO will solve things, and be happy and all, but to your parents (mostly moms) he will be a jerk forever!

Try turning to a friend who actually gets you, or people here at LFAD...

[digitalfever]

I think a lot of us forget that we are responsible for the perception people have of our SO whether we’d like to admit it or not. The things we tell people about our SO and our relationship form their opinion on the relationship and our significant other. While I don’t agree with it, it seems to be where our friends, family etc… form the ground work for their “opinion” or their “take” on the relationship.

If you take issue with the way your mother views your relationship I’d say your best bet here is to do the others have previously said: prove her wrong. You’ve given her the evidence to be cynical and protective of you.

[Xanahtas]

If your serious about staying with him, then stop breaking it off. I dont blame your mum for acting like it, i can see her point. Everyone in a LDR has times when its very hard and sometimes want to give up, ive had my fair share. But you just have to work through it and know that it will get better. Breaking it off all the time will only make it worse in the long run, you have to talk about your problems and sort them out. LD is hard, and everyone here knows just how difficult it is. So try venting here when you need to instead of unloading it on your friends.

[efish1042]

I'm really close with my mom too, but after a bit of a blow up, I've stopped talking to her about my relationship for the most part. I don't talk to a lot of people about it anymore unless they bring up something related to it. I mostly stay here. This is my new place to vent and it really helps.
My parents still hold a grudge against my SO for things that were out of his control that upset me, so I leave them out as often as I can now because they take everything the wrong way.
I would advise sticking to here. It helps. And the people here actually understand exactly what you're going through nine times out of ten.

[Bethypoo]

I think that is what parents do in general. They worry and when they see things hit rough spots they just stay skeptical. Just ask her to be your friend and not worry so much about it. Remind her that there is a bit of added stress with the distance and admit that you over react. So just remind her to keep that in mind!.

I understand that it is hard for people who are in CDRs to be sympathetic to our relationships. But what they don't realize is that if they had to do what we did they would do the same thing. So bring everything to us. We have all been though it all and we do it with the support of one another.

[Jazi]

as a few others have said I have learned not to talk to mum about issues or rough patches that i'm having with my SO, I actually try not to talk too openly to anyone about issues with him because i don't want people to have a negative view on my SO.. Just to be clear we don't really have any major issues either, just here and there as all relationships have. It's always much better for me to talk it out with him rather than other people, that way me and my SO can actually maybe sort it out instead of just ranting to others.

I noticed especially with ex boyfriends i would talk when things were bad but never about the good stuff - i found that my problems with exes were the only things my friends/family heard me talk about and when things were good i didn't talk about the relationships as much.. so my friends/family thought that the relationships were bad all the time basically. The way you talk about people to others really sticks and creates an impression - you gotta be careful with that.

with my SO now I am happy to share the good stuff and keep the issues to myself - because I know me and him can sort it on our own without my family and friends getting involved and forming opinions. If i really need someone else to talk to about it I have you guys here at lfad