Best friend admitted having feelings for me?

[littleblue]

One of my best friends, a guy who I've known for 15 years, admitted a few weeks ago that he had feelings for me after I asked him why he always avoided my boyfriend - When my bf walked into a room, my friend would walk out, literally and if I invited him out when my bf would be there, he always declined. It was kind of starting to turn into an issue.

I've been with my SO for a year and a half and I am completely in love with him. It was really important to me for him and my friend to get along, but it looks like it will never happen.

My friend said he didn't like seeing me with anyone else, but since he told me this, our friendship hasn't been the same. I don't want to rub his face in it, or make it any harder for him than I'm sure it already is, but he's the only person that I trust here, while my SO is overseas. I miss our friendship as it was and don't know what to do.

I have a couple of questions if anyone could help?

How can I try to deal with the situation? I tried to back off, but its causing problems within our friendship group now, and my trying to give him space is causing me to feel isolated as well.

and I haven't told any of this to my SO. My reasons for this are that I don't want to cause any more awkwardness between my bf and friend, and I also felt at the time that it was something that was better left unsaid. But now its playing on my mind a bit. Its not the kind of thing that comes up in conversation, but we don't really keep secrets from each other and I feel like i'm lying to him. Would you tell your SO?

[Kristin91]

I was in this exact same situation right after winter break. My friend and I tried to work things out and keep things on a friend level, but for some reason it ended up with both of us not really talking and having a hard time being around each other. He finally told me things were fine and he was dealing with it, and he was "over me", but I still haven't heard from him in over two weeks :/ Anyway, the way I tried to deal with him telling me was just trying to figure out how we could stay friends (although it looks like I failed at that...). It sucks because he is my best friend at school and without him I don't really hang out with anyone all that much. I did tell my SO because I tell him everything and I needed someone to bounce ideas off of and someone just to vent to about the whole thing. Good luck! And I hope your situation ends better than mine did!

[marbear31]

Sweetheart, I'd tell your SO. He deserves to know, and I think it'd be better if he did now, when he knows there are no feelings on your side, instead of him somehow finding out later (accidentally or not) and wondering why you kept it from him. Make it super clear that you DON'T have feelings for your best guy friend, though, and your SO will be much more likely to help you through this.

I went through this with my best guy friend, except I was on the feelings end. He was never able to reciprocate them for me, adn I wish he'd told me that definitely instead of stringing me along (or me letting myself keep hoping for nothing--long story short, he kissed me, told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, and then was with another girl a week later). Damn chauvinists.

Anywho.

Be there for him, but be firm. I sure hope it works out!

[usmcgirl]

Tell him that you don't feel that way for him but you don't want to lose his friendship either. (If you don't; if you'd rather not stay friends or whatever, deal with it your way, haha.)
As for your SO, I'd tell him.

Good luck, darling! xx

[Jazi]

I've gone through a similar thing.. and the hard truth is once someone has admitted they have feelings for the other person it's never quite the same. if you both are committed to staying friends and working through it you may be able to save the friendship but he would have to be willing/actively trying to move on by himself as well.

When i went through this with a friend he was interest in me when i was with my ex; i broke up with the ex and was single, as was the friend for a few months.. he still had the feelings and i started to have a few feelings myself.. but he got a girlfriend so i realized we would just remain friends and i moved on.. he was still admitting his feelings for me while he was with the girlfriend and by then I was with my SO.. basically, my friend wasn't willing to move on and i tried to keep the friendship for a few months but in the end i had to cut him out because it was very distressing trying to deal with him, he just wouldn't see that I was happy with my SO and that he (my friend) had his chance when we were single, he didn't take it and thats not my problem.

anywho, my SO was such a support when i was dealing with this friend; i was still trying to maintain the friendship with him when me and my SO had been together around 6-8months. Of course my SO didn't like hearing the things the friend would say but he really did try to put that aside and saw that I needed his support and I didn't have any interest in the friend.. It was hard to let the friendship go and you need support whenever you go through something like that. plus I do think that your SO should know otherwise it looks like you're hiding it from him because you have feelings from your friend too, if your SO is mature and trusts you it shouldn't cause issues telling him.

[Dar917]

I've been there, and my friend who admitted his feelings for me did not take it well. Things haven't been the same between us since. I'd like him to meed my SO when he comes here, but my friend hasn't been around or spoken to me for a few weeks now so I don't know anymore. In a perfect world we'd all be able to stay friends and move on.
Tell your SO; if he knows you have no feelings for your friend he will understand. Make sure your friend gives you your space. Also, hang out with other people, make new friends; it helps if you have other people to talk to as well.

[LoveL]

This is kind of why guys and girls can't really be BEST BEST friends. Did you guys not watch Dawson's Creek?

[Rugger]

This is kind of why guys and girls can't really be BEST BEST friends. Did you guys not watch Dawson's Creek?

This should be "This is kind of why SOME guys and girls can't be best best friends".

I have a completely platonic relationship with my male best friends. Him and I have never had feelings for each other in the 10 + years I've known him. I have my SO and he has his gf, whom I adore. He and I are like siblings, always have been.

OP, I agree with majority of what's been said here. I wouldn't spend time with your friend one on one, and when you are with friends, keep the talking about your SO to a miniumum. Cultivate other friendships and let your friend have his space to figure out his feelings. I would tell your SO, and tell him he has nothing to be worried about, that you handled it. It would just be sucky for it to come out later and him to be angry at you for not telling.

[littleblue]

Thanks guys, was really helpful of you all

I have just spoken to my bf about it and he was very understanding, and even understood why I hadn't said anything yet. I think I was worried over how he would react mostly, and I really don't find things like this very easy to talk about.

But similar to me, he couldn't understand why he said anything at all, especially since my SO and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half now. We talked it through and his opinion is that he's only telling me this now because i'm in a LDR.

That bit I'm still struggling with as I'm not sure what my friend expected to achieve from saying anything and although its not really fair of me to say, I can't help but be a bit irritated at him over it.

I've always thought that people shouldn't pursue people who are in a relationship as its disrespectful :S

LoveL, I know what you're saying about guys and girls being friends and yeah, Ha, I watched Dawson's Creek religiously!! But most of my friends are guys, and in the 15 years or so that I've known my friend, I really never saw this coming :S

[LoveL]

Think of it from your friend's perspective.
He's probably been struggling with having feelings for you for a long time and didn't know what to do about it.
If you want to look at a bright side, now that he's gotten it out of his head, now that it's no longer just some burden or secret that he carries, he'll be able to start getting over it.

In his mind, he was probably assuming that you would harbor some kind of reciprocating feeling. Now that you have officially shot him down, he can move on. It's a good thing that this is out.