Advice for a friend in a LDR ?

[Tommybat]

My best friend is in a LDR with this girl that one of my personal "real life" friends introduced him to.
and since about a month in, his girlfriend has thought he was an internet fake, because he is cute.
Well, my friend had two of our real life personal friends meet her and hangout with her a few times to make her feel better, since being introduced by someone who knows me in person was not enough proof for her. That worked for all of two seconds. Until she started adding people from his highschool and calling his cell phone company to see who his phone name was under, trying to look up his dad and him in her dads cop car, tracking his IP address via his iPod (he uses that for internet since he does not have a computer due to a bad living situation), looking up his photographs online to see if anyone else has them, etc...
when he has never given her a reason to think he was an internet fake. He made her proofs multiple times when he could and she questioned them and said they could be photoshoped. Like, she was just always questioning everything, and while that's good when meeting someone on the internet, I feel the extent that she questioned him was a bit extreme, to say the least.

My friend Danny has moreorless, ruined a lot of long term things for himself trying to make this relationship work. We live in different states at the moment otherwise I would be there to help him out, but he is homeless and selling artwork to try to get to this girl, even though they are as of now, broken up.
He has done so much for this girl, proofs, he writes her a letter every single day even though they're split he still writes to her, he stands up to his family about her, he does so much for her... and in the time that I have known her she has never once told him thank you or not to work so hard or cared about his wellbeing at all. It has always been me, me, me with her.


Well, she found a fake of him online, which isn't really a surprise because he gets faked a lot online, but he has proof against those fakes, but anyways, she found this fake and was automatically like "you're fake, he's real. end this fantasy world that you live in" and I quote. The fake refuses to make proof, while Danny has proof that he made against that fake. But, I told him it was a waste of time to send that to her because she would never believe him anyways.

It's difficult for me to comprehend because in my long distance relationship, we've never had these problems. We both mutually care for one another, we both respect one another, we both know each other are real and we were introduced by a mutual real life friend via myspace a few years ago, we have love, trust, understanding, and communication down. So, I'm honestly not sure as to what to tell him about this. To me, it all sounds really crazy.

Can anyone offer some advice as to what I can tell him? He's destroying his life, quite literally, over this relationship. He has done everything in this relationship and all she seems to do is sit back and complain about what he cannot do. he is turning 20 and she is 23.

Thank you to anyone who reads this >.< Tried to shorten it down as much as I could.

[snow_girl]

Did you post something about this a while ago? I remember something very similar. I'm not sure how you can say you are in a relationship with someone that doesn't even believe you are you. Have they not skyped? Seems like a simple solution.

I'm sure it must be hard to watch your friend go through this but unfortunately people need to learn things for themselves even if that means learning the hard way. It seems like you've done what you can and now you just need to let him figure it out for himself.

[LoveL]

.....Here's a little bit of tough love.

This guy has some pretty serious confidence or self esteem issues if he feels the need to impress and win over a girl that obviously cares nothing for him and continually tries to make him feel worthless or that he is in-genuine. How can he call her his girlfriend if she acts like this? That girl also has some pretty deep-seated, cold-blooded streaks because she keeps leading this guy on, only to then berate him over not being a real person.

It just blows my mind that you would want to support him in his self-destruction.

My advice? As his friend, you have to wake this guy up. He's in love with a fantasy and for his own good needs to find someone else to pour that attention on...someone that gives a shit. That girl is worthless.

I'm all about being romantic and sharing your deepest thoughts and your heart's desires with your SO. But for this guy to be writing love letters everyday to a person like her?..... Seriously? Why is he so desperate?

[Tommybat]

Unless this posted twice, no haha. It's possible it could have because by time I hit submit, it timed out on me. If it posted twice, sorry >.<!!! they have skyped and she has skyped with a friend of his. I remember her telling me that cams aren't good proof because they can be re-directed or something?

I understand that but this is getting to a point where if he doesn't let this go, well, I fear what else will happen to him. I personally would have broken up with her after proving myself the 3rd or 4th time and she questioned it. I don't understand why he's still pushing it... aside from wanting to prove her wrong at this point. I can understand that, I guess. I keep telling him there is no point anymore and that he has done enough and to let her talk to fakes if she wants to, but Dannys stupidly determined to get her approval... stupidly.

[Tommybat]

@loveL those are my thoughts exactly!!!! I do NOT see what he sees in her. Their relationship is like a game to me. I do not support this self-destructive relationship at all, haha. I came seeking advice on how to wake him up. She has him wrapped around her finger and she knows it and abuses it. It truly upsets me and I hate that I cannot be physically there for him to talk to him... and maybe give him a good shake.

[LoveL]

Hmm... Well as his buddy do you know why he is so desperate that he feels the need to appease her? I mean, some kind of insight into his motivations here? Is this girl just drop-dead gorgeous and amazing in bed to the point where he can't imagine ever having anyone like her? Or when she's not being psycho is she the most tender and loving person on the planet and he has an internal need for that kind of affection? There has to be some motivation on his part where he thinks there is no one else in the world who can make him feel like he does with her.

Is it possible to set up someone else to give him some attention, so that he can see the difference between someone who cares about him and someone who doesn't? That would be the biggest eye-opener, I would think. He needs to see the difference between his relationship and relationships where people actually care about each other. Would it be possible to make a trip with your SO to hang out with him for a while so he can see what a real relationship looks like?

There is something not right with him right now. And you need to pin-point what it is.

[Engel]

did they ever see each other on the webcam?
webcam can't be faked. and if he has an iPad he can download Skype to talk with her on the webcam. i don't think she can say he is a fan after that!

[Tommybat]

I've thought long and hard about this and I think that he may be trying to get back to the first few months of their relationship before her true crazy colours showed. Me and her used to be friends, along with the person who introduced them in the first place. But I moved for school and we fell out after that and our mutual friend just got tired of her talking about Danny negetively.

I've thought about that haha. Doing it secretely so he never finds out. I may just try that. I told him today that he needs to find someone who cares about him and who would write those letters back. I would love to take her to go and see him, but I wouldn't be able to until the summer, due to school and work and stuff. My SO is supposed to be coming to see me for Spring Break with a friend of mine and I'll run that idea by her.

@Engel- they did. When she said the re-directing thing, I died inside. He doesn't have an iPad, just an iTouch. His dad, who does not like her one bit, allowed him to borrow his computer to see her when he was there.

[Bethypoo]

She sounds insane honestly. I mean, I get wanting to make sure someone is for-real. But calling cell phone companies and stuff like that in a bit on the extreme.

Once she realizes he is really who and what he says he is with a personality like that she will be calling up the world asking if he is cheating just because someone called the wrong number and it was on his phone.

She doesn't seems stable. Time to run... quickly.

[LoveL]

One last question: Why hasn't he made the trip to meet her himself and put all of this shit to bed?

Also, thinking more about this, you mentioned something that would indicate that her dad is a cop, right? Depending on what kind of mind set her dad is in, that can actually breed some really paranoid children, if the law enforcement parent doesn't know how to store those feelings and their disenchanted view of humanity away from their child, it can have a pretty profound affect on them.

My best friend, aside from LoveJ , against everyone's wishes, married some girl who was completely insane and not good for him in the least bit. She was Adventist, if that matters, and her mom was so blind-backwards-religious and obsessed with thinking every person on the planet was a child molester that Zach's (my friend) wife would actually grew up thinking that anyone outside of her family was also a risk for molesting their kids. She even questioned him if I was fit to be around them and went so far as to do background checks on the people at the day-care where he took the boys after they divorced. So I know what crazy, paranoid girlfriends can look like.

Either way thought, regardless of what's wrong with her, you have to keep making efforts to get him away from her.

[Tommybat]

@ Bethypoo- My point exactly!!!! <3

@LoveL- He's been trying to. He works his bum off to go and see her, that's where all of his money goes. Which, is yet another thing that upsets me. In January she was 3 hours away from him in the next state over visiting her sister and she never came to see him. He tried taking a train there but it was too expensive for him. I had to talk him out of hitchhiking. His car is back in his home state. She was driving around EVERYWHERE and never once made the trip to see him. Instead just yelled at him for not being able to go and see her. He even, stupidly, hitchhiked, against my wishes, his way to the airport she was at, only for her to tell him it was too late.

Yes, her father is a big scary traffic Sargent :3 I take that into consideration a lot and I think so does Danny. But, I still think the extent that she has taken things and the games she plays is ridiculous. Honestly, if she wanted to know if he was real or not, she could have asked him to run a background check on him or something. I'm sure he would have been somewhat okay with that, but the fact that she snuck around with all of that other stuff, and he found out later, scared the crap out of him.

He's spent his rent money on a train ticket to see her, because she asked, I am just finding out, and she refuses to go and get him from the train station out there when he arrives.

I just want to fly to where he is and throttle him -.-

[LoveL]

And given all of this, he still wants her......

That just blows my mind.

Try this; tell him to stop trying for a few days and see what kind of a response he gets from her. She is probably reveling in the attention and because it's so one sided she thinks it will never stop. But if he were to even pretend to take it away, I'm sure her reaction would be to go bat-shit crazy jealous. Convince him that he's doing this just to test her and see if she actually has feelings for him or not... I don't know. Tell him whatever you need to tell him so that he does it. Hopefully he'll see by her reaction that she either doesn't appreciate him at all OR that he can actually live without being obsessed by her and be OK. Make the point that, obviously, what he is doing now isn't working so maybe he can "play hard to get" or something stupid like that.

[usmcgirl]

She sounds absolutely crazy & this relationship is completely not healthy for him.
My advice is to down, when you have a few hours to blow, and talk to him on facebook or MSN or something. Lay out all of your evidence against her and tell him you're worried about him. Just explain it to him like you have to us.

Otherwise, listen to everyone on here, haha.

Good luck!

[Deleted]

I agree with LoveL, he must put her to a test to see if this is one-sided. Many girls just love attention and that's something horrible for guys who ARE in love... my SO suffered that with his ex.

I'll be a blunt here and say this girl could be even dangerous if she is so much of a paranod. I've been close to being one, I used to distrust everyone on the internet when my life on the web began and many times when unknown people added me I said to myself I would tell someone about it. She seems to crazier than I though, and if she really distrusts him, one day he could tell daddy that someone is molesting her and your friend could get into serious, serious trouble. Tell him to watch out... paranoids are dangerous.

[Tommybat]

That's what I am terribly afraid of. I sat down and spoke to him today and was as honest as I possibly could be without being too mean, and I think I got through to him. I told him a lot of what you guys' said, I'm very grateful for you guys' inputs. I told him to focus on him and to let this go and as to not completely discourage him I told him perhaps later in life you guys will meet and you guys can try again. That seemed to help him. I just hope he stays like this.