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He left for China yesterday. :(

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    He left for China yesterday. :(

    Hi, guys, I found this forum by chance and out of a desperate search for comfort. I was really hoping I could get some advice from experienced individuals like yourselves.

    I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We met in HS and have gone through the transition of being in different colleges. We are basically part-time LDR because we see each other every other weekend when he's home. I admit, this alone has been more difficult for me than it has for him. He goes to a full-out university while I go to a commuter university. The college life for him is much more exciting in comparison to my staying at home and driving to school lifestyle. We've had our ups and downs in the relationship, but we've both been faithful to each other through it all. I know he loves me as I love him, but sometimes I feel like I miss him more than he misses me and that I try harder to show my affections than he does. That aside, we had our biggest argument about a month ago, where he said he needed to take a 2-day break to figure out why he wasn't missing me as much as I missed him. Also, since he'd be leaving to study abroad he didn't want to have arguments when he was gone. It was really difficult for me and I figured I managed to push him away from being too needy and argumentative back at home. A month ago I was disgustingly dependent to the point where when he'd try to enjoy the college life on weekends he stayed there I would get extremely depressed and question his fidelity. When he came back that weekend after the break I told him I was sorry for placing such high pressures on him. It wasn't right to base my happiness off someone else. I told him that I understood why we needed to take a break to think because I realized that I lost myself in this relationship. I promised him that when he left for China I was going to work on myself as a person and support his endeavors as a loving gf should. He told me that hearing me say that was great and that he really did want to work things out when he studies abroad this summer. This past last month together has been great for the most part and we haven't had any major arguments since that break. I've been focusing on myself more and not pressuring him to call or talk to me as much as before. He has positively received it all.

    Now, here's the new problem for me as a person. He left yesterday morning for his 11-week trip to China. I miss him so much and think about him all the time it's crazy. I feel depressed although I do not dare show him. We've only talked online once since then. I know he's going to be busy from here on out. I also feel like the more independent and confident in myself that I become, the more he'll realize he's been somewhat taking me for granted. I've started to look at things in a realistic POV...Before I was so caught up in the "Knight in shining armor"-syndrome, and I felt like if I lost him I would die. I was so focused on what he thought of me and what I could do to make sure that I didn't lose him that it just pushed him away more. I know that this summer is my opportunity to test this relationship and be a better person when he comes back. I want to sincerely believe that I'm worth it and if he doesn't see it, HE'S the one not worth it. I just not sure how to go about doing that when I miss him so very much.

    I'm so sad, though, you guys, and I don't know what to do. I feel so lonely and depressed. I talked to him on skype a few hours ago and I was so happy to talk to him. He didn't seem as excited/happy to see me though, and I asked him why and he said he was tired. Augh, I feel like I'm over-analyzing every detail. I can't help but worry about his fidelity for the next two months, especially since I've been spending the day reading other peoples' experiences with studying abroad and relationships. They are nothing short of discouraging. Is there any sense to me feeling worried about him cheating? Do you think he really IS just tired and perhaps later into the trip he'll be as happy to see me on webcam as I am to see him?

    I feel scrambled and ridiculous. I need some guidance, please. Thank you.
    Last edited by iheartcookies; May 23, 2010, 09:27 PM.

    #2
    Hello and welcome!

    I understand what you are going through.
    My gf and i are in a LDR for the moment, will most likely end in about 2 months and i say most likely cuz i hate to be disappointed.
    Anyway i'm unemployed at the moment and she's in school. My life basically consists of nothing, but her. My friends live all several miles away and i live in a little village with NOTHING to do whatsoever.
    So anyway while my life is empty it's opposite for her. She got school and then friends and then volleyball practices and she's surrounded by her friends most of the day. And when she finally gets back home i am there to occupy her time further until she goes to bed.
    That really leaves not much time for her to miss me, like i have loads of time to start missing her.
    I guess that is basically similar to you feeling he doesn't miss you as much as you miss him.
    My tip is, just copying what other have adviced me, to try to occupy your time as much as possible by doing stuff.

    For the other part. I'm sorry to hear he will be going away for so long.
    I understand it must be superhard for you. And i would prolly not be able to follow my own advices
    But remember that if he hasn't cheated on you so far, why would he start now?
    You just have to trust him and be that loving gf you said you wanted to be.
    It won't be easier for you if you start worrying about him cheating on you. You prolly know that already tho

    I think he will be happier to see you later into the trip. Transition from US to China is, i assume you live in US, is a very big one. the time difference is 15-16 hours or something and the jetlag must be horrible. I totally understand if he's tired.

    Anyway. Trust! Trust is the key and the pillar that upholds the whole LDR. If trust fails the whole structure will collapse.

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      #3
      My advice is to not be afraid of expressing your worries to him. The best reassurance that you can get is his reassurance, no one else's. Anytime I have ever had worries about the direction of my relationship with Frank, I always talked to him about it, and I'd always feel 100x better. It was like weight off my shoulders and I felt a lot less stress.

      Fidelity can be a touchy subject, so avoid sounding accusatory and avoid it escalating into an argument.
      Read my LDR story!
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        #4
        hey iheartcookies, first i want you to know that i understand what you are feeling, my gf is in china too
        the thing is you will always finding yourself waiting for him to call you with the whole time difference thing,
        all i think is best to do is have STUFF to do, that way time will kinda fly...
        understand when he is busy
        trust him to be faithful
        and STOP over-analyzing stuff because it will only mess with your head and hurt your relationship.

        am not the best at giving advice.
        all i can say is good luck and 11 weeks is not too bad, ,my girl has been gone for 7months,
        you will be fine,

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          #5
          Hi! And welcome. I know how you feel as well. My SO will be gone for about the same time as yours and I know the depressed feeling. It's always harder right before they leave (mine left sunday morning). She also has lots to occupy her time and gets busy, while I have nothing to do at my home.
          Don't worry about him cheating, you two have had two wonderful years and things have gone well. Have faith that he loves you and will not find something in another person.

          My advice is like others, try to occupy your time. It's hard but there are some things to do (mostly online lol). Just remember that the days must pass, time does not stop for any reason. Even if you are sad, the time will just keep going. The only trick is cheering up!
          Since we have a similar time to wait (swederica too); we should all do it together. If we come here to have a conversation everyday, the counting may help the days to pass! Before we know it, our SO's will be back.


          Good luck!

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            #6
            Thanks, guys, I really appreciate your kind words. It soothes me to know that there are others who feel exactly how I feel. Desya, having a convo every day here sounds great. It'll help the coping process I'm sure.

            :/ Guys, it's been two days and he hasn't emailed me yet. I know he has internet access and he even has a dorm room to himself for the first 5 weeks of the program. I figured that it wouldn't be too much hassle to shoot me an email before going to sleep and whatnot. Is it right to be pretty upset about it? I'm definitely not going to nag him or give him an angry response, just personally...I feel hurt that he can't spare a few minutes to email me. I don't expect calls or messenger, especially since it's expensive and I know he has other things to do, but is a little email too much to ask for?

            I don't know if I'm overreacting. I just miss him so much.

            Comment


              #7
              Hiii! I have felt exactly the same way as you! My SO has been in Europe since June 09. It is so annoying when we cant talk and I can honestly say I do not have a perfect remedy for feeling better when he doesnt contact me. HOWEVER, I suggest that you try to be as busy as possible. Call family and friends to see how they are and ask to get together with people you have not seen in a while. I also really like going to the gym. It gets my frustrations out. This week my SO is on vacation from his job. I have not heard from him in 5 days. I must admit I am pissed about it. But, I know that he will contact me when he gets a chance. I also remind myself that we wont be in an LDR forever. Stay strong and we are all here for you! XOXO

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