I have a better job - so?

[Captivated]

I realize that this issue could also be prevalent in normal couples but...well read on.

A bit of background - I'm 29, engaged to a wonderful man in the UK who is 30.

Our job situations are completely different. He hates his job, makes next to nothing and is very depressed because of it (all his words, not mine). In my eyes, however, he's moving to the US to be with me soon so that can ultimately turn around for him - I guess I'm trying to be positive about it. And I really don't care how much he makes anyway - I make more than enough for the two of us.

Meanwhile, I'm getting recognized in my company left and right. Last night (and this is the issue that prompted me to post a thread here), I found out I was chosen for a prestigious position to advise and consult one of my state's financial industries. We were chatting last night I told him I was one out of twelve professionals to be chosen for this task. His response? "Out of how many?"

Okay - so first I let that question slide because in retrospect, it could be taken any way. However, I chose to take it negatively. Why would that matter? But then he went on to say "well done" and changed the subject. Which, of course, didn't sit well with me. I was passive aggressive, answering questions or replying with only emotes (yes, very childish I know). And finally I told him I was just going to call my dad to tell him the news because I know he'd be excited and supportive. He got upset, we argued, he brought up his crappy job and after going back and forth "made up". But this morning I still didn't feel very satisfied with how we left it. I guess I just feel this is a preview of the kind of support I'll be getting if I get any higher in my company and he well, doesn't.

Was I wrong to make a big deal of it? Anyone in a similar situation? Do you let it affect your overall relationship (which is fantastic)?

[LoveJ]

We all come across people in life at some point or another who get a little miffed when someone else's success "outdoes" their own. Instead of choosing to be happy for the person who's receiving the acknowledgment, they take it to a jealous place, and can only see that they themselves don't have it. Does that make sense?

Has he always been like this? When something good comes your way, is he more likely to pout about it or is he usually very supportive and happy for you? If he's usually very supportive, the job thing might just be something he's really sensitive about right now. Let's break it down to a really basic level: most men love being the providers. I would bank on him being upset that he doesn't feel like he's providing, but you are. That might be hurting his ego at the moment. Being a girl, of course, I'm only speculating, but that could be a possibility. Once he gets there and finds something better, he will be in a better position to be happy for you when things like this come up for you.

However, if he usually reacts with some degree of bitterness or jealousy when good things happen to do, that's a big red flag. You need your SO to be a partner, and above all a good friend, and a good friend is always happy for you, even if you get something they want. Know what I mean?

For now, if you're comfortable, I'd suggest talking to him about it. Ask him why he doesn't like talking about your job. And make it clear that, even though you're moving up in the working world, that doesn't make his place in your life any less significant. He's probably just feeling down about his working life. This isn't something to let slide though; it'd be awful if it became a habit for him to get crabby every time something good happened for you. As your fiance, he should be supportive and share in your happiness, not make you feel bad for it.

[Captivated]

Thank you, LoveJ, for your insight.

Has he always been like this?

I try not to talk too much about work to avoid sounding like I'm bragging or something. But when I do bring up work-related stuff, I always detect a hint of ...something. I can't really pinpoint it and it could be my imagination run rampant as always. We talked about it last night and I understand his point of view to a degree. I think you're right on about it hurting his ego and him not feeling like he can provide. However, he knew from the get-go what type of woman I was and what kind of job it is I do.

I think I will have to talk more about it with him. I'm at work right now not excited at all anymore about this new endeavor. And I know I shouldn't rely on his reaction to my accomplishments to validate them, it's just a bit off-putting when I believe he's not really sincere about being happy for me (even though he says otherwise).

[LoveJ]

I think it's a good idea to talk to him about it then, since you say it happens pretty much every time. Telling him how much it bothers you that he won't be happy for you (out of jealousy or whatever the reason may be) might snap him into shape. It makes me sad to hear he won't support you when it comes to your career, and I hope, for the sake of your relationship and your happiness in being able to share things with him, that he changes his attitude about it. If he's not going to be happy for you and your successes, that may not mean a very happy life for you. You shouldn't have to feel guilty every time something good happens, right?

[dukes2011]

People can definitely be more sensitive when it comes to jobs and I have seen that already. My boyfriend is an elementary school music teacher and I'm getting my master's to be a speech therapist. Once I get hired, I will make close to double what he makes. It has caused some problems between me and my SO's family because they are of the mindset where the woman stays at home with the kids and the man brings in all the money.

My boyfriend struggled with a lot at first and it's still a blow to his ego knowing I'll always make more, but he is accepting it and realizing it's more important to love what he does. Perhaps your SO is jealous because of the combination that you love your job and make a lot, not just the making more and being successful. Sorry I don't have any amazing insight, but just thought you'd want to know it happens to more than just you and your SO. Best of luck and I hope he understands where you're coming from when you talk about it.

[LoveL]

I'm a guy and I can tell you exactly what he's feeling and it's what LoveJ suggested.

We really are pretty simple creatures. He just doesn't like the fact that he can't feel like your big, strong, providing protector, at least financially. And the fact that he hates his job and you love yours is simply a knee-jerk reaction to wanting what you have, on some level. It's a selfish response, but he's probably so washed up in his own little pity party over there that he can't see how big of a deal it is. When he's been in that position for a long time, hating his job and to some extent probably hating his life just a little bit, he can't see that it doesn't make a lot of sense to be jealous of the fact that he has a sugar mommy to take care of him.

You also have centuries worth of social expectations about the roles of men and women in relationships to overcome. Even today, and despite how open people say their minds are to the new reality that women are quickly becoming the bread winners, it is still socially expected that men should work more and make more than their female partners. So even if you take him out of it, there are going to be times when you guys talk to people in public, or at a party or whatever, and they ask about finances and they will probably give your fiance the side-eye because you make more than he does.

I'm not saying he's justified in his behavior. He's certainly not. But he has a lot of stress on him to feel like it's his job to be your big, strong, providing protector. He feels like that not only because of his ego and his personal desire to do so but also because of the pressure he feels from society to play that specific role.

It's a transition period right now for men and women all over the world and you're a living example of it. Some people have already adapted and some entire areas and populations have adjusted to it quicker than others. But like anything else, old habits die hard. It always takes longer than we think it should for social norms to change, especially when things have been a certain way for such a long period of time. Thank the Judeo-Christian influence for that.

[Bethypoo]

I think you had more than every reason to be excited and to want to share that with the person that you love.

His response was not what you would want which is understandable. But it is hard to see someone continuously progress while you are seemingly stuck where you are. That doesn't mean his response was valid but it makes sense as to why he did it. Not to mention that men are socially told that they are to be the main bread winners and providers. As women's roles have changed, views on mens roles haven't and that makes it hard too.

I wouldn't take it to personally. Don't let him take this excitement for you it IS a HUGE deal and you should be proud of yourself! Just let him know that you know he is proud and that things will work out soon. I know it is hard and there is no excise for his actions, but try to not take it to personally.

[Captivated]

Thank you for all your words. Very much appreciated!!

dukes2011: Just the fact that you're in a similar situation was, well, comforting. I'm sure my fiance will adjust at some point - I hope he does anyway.

LoveL: First off, I love that both you and your SO have awesomely cool matching names and that you both are immensely talented in giving your POVs. Being a guy, too, offered in a sense, his side of the story. And I can now see a bit clearer why he reacted the way he did. I really should've caught that sooner but I suppose I was too busy wallowing. In fact, I spoke to my dad yesterday about this and he said "men can just be stupid"...after a giggle through my pathetic tears, I asked to elaborate. He offered another angle and said maybe my fiance didn't really know this was a big deal because of I how I may have delivered it. Okay, okay, so when I told him initially, I wasn't actually jumping up for joy - it was more of a matter-of-fact delivery. Could be that he just wasn't sure how to react? Then my dad told me exactly what you described as another reason why he reacted that way and it all just seems plausible. My dad wasn't saying either that his reaction was justified but that it may ease my feelings a bit just knowing his point of view. Think I get it now

Bethypoo: Thank you! I'm trying to shake it off. My boss actually sent me home at noon because she noticed I was just in a funk and well, I was. Didn't think it was that noticeable. But I suppose this week has just been a whirlwind as well...that could have added to my extra-sensitive reaction.

[Tooki]

Men just have a lot of pride, and his is hurt. He is happy for you but he also feels down because he feels like he should be the breadwinner.

[usmcgirl]

Men want to be able to take care of you, in every way possible. Since you're in a job better than his, he doesn't feel like he's taking care of you.
Honestly, I can't really add anything else. Every one else said all the right things BUT I did want to add Congratulations! That's awesome! (about your job)