I really need to calm down

[Antiques]

I'm not a very happy camper right now. This is a weekend when my SO was not supposed to have his son. However, his ex had to go out of town and now he has dad duty. I know it's not his fault but I was really looking forward to seeing him. See, this has been a very difficult week for me. I had a breast biopsy earlier in the week and I just found out today that it was benign. I was sooooo relieved and really looking forward to spending time with him and celebrating the good news. I think what irks me most is that he doesn't seem at all upset that he can't see me. And if he can't see me, then can he at least start talking about when we MIGHT be able to get together? Why do I always have to wait until the last minute to find out whether it's a go or not? I feel like I can't plan anything and the fact of the matter is, what I want to plan is time with HIM! On top of that, it's still a new relationship and I feel like I can't kvetch about it, no matter how irritated I am. I have NO IDEA what he wants from this relationship. Our time together is so limited, it always seems more like a booty call than anything else. I'm getting no time to get to know him the way I should. I have no way of discerning what my feelings are about him because we don't have time to make that emotional connection. Something has to change and soon or I'm going to bail.

[Haley53]

Is it possible that it's related to the fact he's a father? Dating someone who's a father is entirely different than dating someone who's not. Even with my SO, after his mother passed away and he became the legal guardian of his brother, the dynamic of our relationship has somewhat changed. Now, my boyfriend's brother is a little bit older than it sounds like your boyfriend's son is (he's 15), but the thing is that when someone has a child to look after, you tend to come second to that child. :/ Sometimes things come up/tend to be a little bit last minute when it comes to fathers/legal guardians, and I think that's what can sometimes make it so difficult to get used to dating someone who's in the care of someone else.

I think what seems to be the problem here is there seems to be a lack of communication. I'm not going to touch on why he wasn't upset (sometimes people don't show their hurt feelings. Maybe he's dealing with it because it sucks, but being a father comes before being a boyfriend; that can be hard for some partners to deal with) and I'm not going to touch on why he hasn't started planning (sometimes people aren't planners, maybe he's not sure when he'll next have time, maybe he needs to concentrate on the weekend, etc.) but I will touch on the fact you say you have no idea what he wants from the relationship. ASK HIM. Communicate to him that you're feeling like you're receiving mixed signals and you want to know where you stand, and then talk to him about plans for visits because what you currently have going for you isn't working.

I do think you need to get used to the fact you likely come second to the child, and I think you need to not be so set on expected reactions. Expectations are a quick way to knife something. However, I do think you need to talk to him about where he stands or at least about what he's looking for, so you both don't end up on separate pages. It's never too early to ask where someone stands or what they want, i.e. if they're even looking for a relationship or if all they want is a booty call.

[Antiques]

Eclaire: Thanks for the input. I'm a parent also and I understand that children come first. That's why I was never interested in maintaining a long term relationship when my kids were home. It was just too difficult to balance everything. His son is 17 and a senior in high school. So in reality, if this relationship makes it that long, by this fall his son will be off to college and there will be more free weekends. I think most of my frustration comes from the difficult week I had and wanting very much to celebrate the fact that I'm healthy with him.

You are right that we need to communicate. I keep wanting to do it in person but it seems the time we have together is so limited that we don't get a chance to have a deep discussion. I hate talking about serious subjects on the phone when I can't see his face. It's so easy to misinterpret when you can't get facial reactions.

Most of this is my problem. I have what seems like a never-ending amount of free time and trouble filling it. I have plenty to do but it's not what I want to do. Yes, I WILL have some cheese with my whine, thank you very much.

I'm going to stop complaining, take myself to bed and figure out what my weekend will encompass. Maybe once I settle down from my good medical news and get back into a routine I'll feel better. Beh.